Sorry I should add more info. They are both 30, and they decided to get married when they had been together for about 4 months, which seems early to me as far as the relationship goes, rather than their ages. When they decided to get married she totally changed her plan, which is what concerns me. I realized that it's totally her choice to do this though. She has never wanted children, and has a number of medical issues which would make this very difficult and likely painful/dangerous for her. Prior to him she wanted to be a child-free police officer, live here near her family and friends, a big house and material things were not really a priority in her life. Now the plan is for her to be a stay at home mom to 4 children and it's very important to her fiancee that they live in a big house and are financially able to support both his parents fully, as well as pay for his sisters education/support her until she's married, and that they live in a larger city. Again I don't think that either of their priorities are wrong, but it just seems like quite a change for her and it makes me uneasy.
She could always adopt, having kids doesn't mean she has to go through a dangerous pregnancy.
And honestly, people change their feelings about marriage/kids/jobs all the time.
Just because she had told you at one point that she wanted a certain life, doesn't mean hasn't felt differently since then or that her views didn't change after meeting someone she could see having a different life with.
Yes I know people can change their minds for love, and I'm trying to be a supportive friend to her and share in all her happiness and excitement about her new life with him. I'm absolutely still worried about her though, because the change was very sudden. But I hope they are very happy and will support their marriage and wish them the best.
Post by pixelpassion on Jun 26, 2013 14:28:51 GMT -5
I would be concerned that she's totally doing a 180 on her life plans. After 4 kids and supporting her H's sister and compromising her career goals, I wouldn't be surprised if there was some resentment in the marriage later on.
Last Edit: Jun 26, 2013 14:32:16 GMT -5 by pedanticwench
I have all the books I could need, and what more could I need than books? I shall only engage in commerce if books are the coin. -- Catherynne M. Valente
My best friend in high school got married at 19 to a guy she had known for oh...6 months. They've been married 5 years now and are such a great couple. They are perfectly made for each other.
H and I had been officially 'dating' for four months before we got engaged and 10 months before we got married. I still kinda like him
My grandparents were married after 6 months and spent 60 happy years together.
From what I understand he has said no to adopting but they haven't had an in depth conversation about it because he's team "that won't happen to us". However he would never want to see her suffer, so maybe if they are struggling he would change his mind. FWIW I think she would be an awesome mother, and if they had decided to adopt, be foster parents, or was marrying someone with a child I wouldn't think twice. I just worry about her struggling through infertility and medical issues when not having a child is something she had made peace with. His family is still in his home country, so they are interested in bringing them to Canada, and then making sure they each have their own place to live and are well cared for. Her family already live here and have their own homes/jobs/etc so they wouldn't require any support.
But.....you can't say that you know for certain her feelings on kids/not having kids or what she had made peace with.
Unless you think this guy is forcing her to make all the dramatic changes, it would seem that your friend does want to do these things and maybe did feel differently than you thought about what she wants in her life. [/quote]
You are right, I can't know what she feels, only what she has told me. I don't think that he's forcing at all, just that she loves him and is willing to do whatever he needs in order to be happy.
ETA: I just read your FU with additional information. I was 41 when I met/married and I had surrendered to the fact that I may never have had a H or children and told some people that I was OK with it. I wasn't and was very easily convinced by H to start TTC right away. Do you really know that your friend was OK with her choices before fiancé or did she always want it but started her plan B (police officer, etc) because it hasn't happened yet?
This is what I'm thinking. My old roommate went through a time where she said she didn't want to get married and have kids, but it wasn't because that was what she really wanted, it was because she had given up on finding someone. I think she was trying to convince herself that she would be okay with not having a family. Now she's married and has a kid.
Also, my parents eloped after dating for 2 months. They've been married for 33 years now and haven't killed each other yet.
Why don't you try to look at it this way: even some of those marriages that had a long engagement/courtship beforehand might still end badly.
A long engagement isn't necessarily indicative of future happiness and success in a marriage.
Thanks, that is a good way to look at it. I am finding all these stories really encouraging and hope that things work out well for them like all the other happy couples.
Post by karmasabiotch on Jun 26, 2013 14:40:30 GMT -5
My FIL was my MIL very first date. She was 16 and he was 18. She never dated anyone other than him a d married him when she was 18. They are celebrating their 48'th anniversary tomorrow.
My best friend in high school got married at 19 to a guy she had known for oh...6 months. They've been married 5 years now and are such a great couple. They are perfectly made for each other.
H and I had been officially 'dating' for four months before we got engaged and 10 months before we got married. I still kinda like him
My grandparents were married after 6 months and spent 60 happy years together.
Cool. Is it common among your friends and family to be married that quickly, or are those just some examples? Where are you from?
DH and I met each other at the part-time job I took after my divorce to ex-dh. I was dating someone at the time I took the job so I was not interested in other men. Two years went by at that job and then the icky BF and I broke up. Shortly thereafter DH and I went out on our first date, which was July 27, 2004. In September of that year we were picking out rings.
DH had never been married (he was 44 when we married) and had been waiting for the right girl to come along. Once he found her, he was good-to-go. Granted we were older and done with having children, but we were ECSTATIC with the good fortune we had at finding the right person. We maintained that glow right up until his untimely death two years after we had married.
I wouldn't really recommend a short courtship like we had for younger people, but at our age we knew what we wanted and we weren't going to settle for second rate.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
My best friend in high school got married at 19 to a guy she had known for oh...6 months. They've been married 5 years now and are such a great couple. They are perfectly made for each other.
H and I had been officially 'dating' for four months before we got engaged and 10 months before we got married. I still kinda like him
My grandparents were married after 6 months and spent 60 happy years together.
Cool. Is it common among your friends and family to be married that quickly, or are those just some examples? Where are you from?
Oh no, it's the norm here. haha. Actually, to be honest, it's the norm more in the LDS (Mormon) community in Utah and Idaho, especially around Brigham Young University in Provo and up in Rexburg.
Our engagement of 6 months was long in Utah time haha. I remember talking to the jeweler when we were ering shopping and he said that he had someone come in the week before that had proposed after THE SECOND DATE. And I've heard this many times. No one bats an eye at a 19 year old girl getting engaged after knowing the 21 year old guy after 3 months around here.
H and I met in July, started dating in October and were married in March. We've been married 4 years and are still very happy. Sometimes you just know, as cheesy as that sounds.
Post by sineadorebellion on Jun 26, 2013 16:40:22 GMT -5
I knew H from high school. We never dated but were very flirty with each other. But then he graduated and I didn't see him until a year or so later. When we went out on our first date I told him that I didn't want to date him unless he planned on marrying me later. He said ok. I know it sounds crazy but sometimes you just know. We moved in together, got engaged, and a while later married. We celebrated our 8th anniversary earlier this month.