Weird family WWMLD (long)

[brighton]

My mom is a recovering addict. She met her girlfriend in a recovery house and they've both been clean for about 8 years as far as I know. About a year and a half ago they moved in with my grandmother. She broke up with her boyfriend and has emphysema so she needs the care. She bought a house with a verbal agreement from them that they'd take care of her and contribute financially. They haven't contributed anything yet and I think my grandmother is going to have to sell the house. But the strangest part of all this is that I haven't seen my moms girlfriend since last Fourth of July. I used to see her maybe once a month. We had a decent relationship. She wasn't at my baby shower, she hasn't met my son. My grandmother hardly ever sees her. My mom always makes up excuses as to why we haven't seen her. She works at a restaurant and I told my mom I'm going to show up there one day because I don't understand what's going on.
I know the first thing that came to my mind is that they relapsed, but I don't see the signs in my mom. This is weird, right?

[calledout]

Your mom's GF lives at the grandmother's house, and yet your grandmother never sees her? Does your grandmother know where the GF goes?

Also, you say that you don't see the signs in your mom, but I would think that purposefully being evasive, not giving explanations that make sense and failing to pay bills would all count as "signs" that at least something is going on. 

[pedanticwench]

This whole situation is weird.

[brighton]

Yes. My grandmom hangs out in her bedroom most of the time because its hard for her to get around so she doesn't see what's going on in the rest of the house.

[ECB]

I'd assume they broke up but that for some reason the GF still needs to officially live there. But she makes herself scarce. And for whatever reason - your mom doesn't want to tell you this.

[ECB]

TO add- I'm not really sure why you need to show up at the GFs place of work. Yes, this is weird, but is it REALLY any of your business?

[soozy87]

Weird, but there could be a perfectly normal explanation too.

[Muddled]

Huh? Why are your mom's girlfriend's whereabouts any of your concern?

[brighton]

I guess I never thought of it that way. Besides my curiosity my grandmother wants to know what's going on as she pays for this house and although they agreed to contribute financially they haven't done so.
I know they haven't broken up because my mom still goes to her family functions and talks to her on the phone when I'm around.

[calledout]

Have you said anything to your mom like "Grandma mentioned that she's thinking about selling the house..." What was your mom's response?

[wildfloweragain]

I feel like I'd want to know more about what's going on. I might have dinner/lunch at this restaurant when you think she's working and ask to see her. Not show up and just ask to see her. Say hi, don't press, maybe say I haven't seen you around and I miss talking with you.

I do think it's butting in a little, but I think I'd still do it. And I'm pretty hands-off as far as my own family is concerned, but there is a grandma involved here.I guess I butt in more when kids or grandparents are involved and I'm concerned.

Either way in the near future, but not wrapped up in the mom's gf thing, I'd see about getting grandma into assisted living. Does your mom have any siblings you can talk to?

[Muddled]

Jun 28, 2013 11:53:14 GMT -5 brighton said:

I guess I never thought of it that way. Besides my curiosity my grandmother wants to know what's going on as she pays for this house and although they agreed to contribute financially they haven't done so.
I know they haven't broken up because my mom still goes to her family functions and talks to her on the phone when I'm around.

I understand that your grandmother has a stake in this financially, but she needs to talk to your mom about it, not you. What are you going to do? Raid your mom's bank account?

[brighton]

Jun 28, 2013 11:58:45 GMT -5 calledout said:

Have you said anything to your mom like "Grandma mentioned that she's thinking about selling the house..." What was your mom's response?

My mom tries to change the subject, but when I push the issue she admits she doesn't know where she is going to live.  I don't think she thinks it will really happen.  I feel like she doesn't know how to be a responsible adult. 

[brighton]

My moms brother brought this up to me a few months ago because he thought it was strange too. He'd be helping my grandmother sell the house and I guess right now he's just waiting on her to decide when. She could move in with him.

I know the gfs life is none of my business, but her relationship with me and my family drastically changed in the past year and I just want to know why.

[mellimel19]

Has your grandmother had a conversation with your mom about the fact that she's not contributing financially as promised?

[brighton]

Jun 28, 2013 13:06:16 GMT -5 mellimel19 said:

Has your grandmother had a conversation with your mom about the fact that she's not contributing financially as promised?

Yes, my mom said she doesn't make enough money and has been looking for a new job for the past 1.5 years.  She currently works very part time. 

[mellimel19]

Jun 28, 2013 13:15:05 GMT -5 brighton said:

Jun 28, 2013 13:06:16 GMT -5 mellimel19 said:

Has your grandmother had a conversation with your mom about the fact that she's not contributing financially as promised?

Yes, my mom said she doesn't make enough money and has been looking for a new job for the past 1.5 years.  She currently works very part time. 

Well if your grandmother ends up having to sell the house, she will have to find a new place to live and pay for housing. Surely she can pick up some extra hours working retail or in the food service industry?

[Deleted]

I think you need to focus your energy on your grandmother and just let things w your mom lie. Either she's just being private or there's something weird going on.

No matter what is going on, though, your grandmother will need your advocacy and support.

[pixelpassion]

I may be totally off on this one, but I feel that you also need to be mindful of how you feel about this situation too. I can sense that you are anxious about the possibility of your mother and/or mother's GF relapsing, particularly if you feel compelled to make sure by going to the GF's place of employment.

It definitely shows that you care about your grandmother and your mother by hoping nothing is wrong, but don't forget how this is affecting you. Please avoid feeling responsible for the welfare of all these adults in this situation. You said yourself that you suspect your mom doesn't know how to be a responsible adult, but try not to let this draw you into the drama between your grandmother and mother. I can't see this going well for you in terms of emotional energy.

Ever consider going to Al-Anon?

[brighton]

I tried al-anon once when I was about 17 and I felt like I was the only young person there so I never went back. I'll check it out now, I hadn't thought of that. I do have a lot of anxiety about them relapsing especially because I have a baby now. I certainly don't want her to babysit if she's using.
Thanks for the advice everyone.