WWMLD - husband vent?

[thatgirl2478]

**poof**

Thanks for all the feedback.

[thatgirl2478]

Oh - please don't quote - I may DD later - DH thinks you guys are a bad influence (hahahahaha)

[speckledfrog]

Just give him more detailed instructions instead of waiting for him to ask questions?

I don't blame him for the car thing. It's difficult to explain a problem you've never heard.

[zoidberg]

Adjust your expectations. This is who he is and if he hasn't changed after 10 years he isn't going to.

If you want something done a specific way, leave specific instructions. Write him a note with details.

[thatgirl2478]

Jun 29, 2013 12:43:32 GMT -5 speckledfrog said:

Just give him more detailed instructions instead of waiting for him to ask questions?

I don't blame him for the car thing. It's difficult to explain a problem you've never heard.

I would agree if this was something he had never heard.  I pointed it out to him before he called so he could tell the guys when he took it in (because he takes it on his way to work where as I work from home, so they would need to give me a ride home and back).

[thatgirl2478]

Jun 29, 2013 12:44:34 GMT -5 zoidberg said:

Adjust your expectations. This is who he is and if he hasn't changed after 10 years he isn't going to.

If you want something done a specific way, leave specific instructions. Write him a note with details.

That's what I thought I'd hear.   

Everyone has good points.  This is not something new - it's been irritating as fuck since we GOT married - he never really had a chance to show this side when we were dating (not that I remember honestly).  Though, I doubt it would have mattered much then either.

It just pisses me off that I can't even hand him a written (printed from the internet) recipe to follow with out keeping my eyes on him during the whole process.  If I'm going to do that, I might as well make it myself.

[Saint Monica]

ADD?

[RoxMonster]

Since it's been going on for at least 10 years, I don't know how much he will change NOW. I get that it can be annoying to say "BTW my pants can't go in the dryer" and then he throws them in. My H sometimes does stuff like that too.

I know for me, if my H volunteers to do stuff around the house on his day off, he always asks me for a list because he said he does better when it's in front of him otherwise he will forget what I asked. Perhaps written instructions might help?

[adhdfashion]

He is human and it sounds like he is trying. I know that I have shrunk some sweaters and made some crappy dinners in my time.

Sent from my SCH-S720C using proboards

[margotmacomber]

Just be more specific.  It's been ten years.  

[bonquiqui]

But why would you want advice from bad influences?  lol

[ginger]

This doesn't sound malicious at all and just seems like normal human behavior. You told him your black pants couldn't go in the dryer, but he probably honestly didn't think about it since you don't routinely have clothing that can't be dried. Sounds like an honest mistake to me.

You need to chill. If he were doing these things on purpose for 10 years, then you'd have something to be angry about, but you need to just accept it. Especially 10 years in.

So yes. Back off and chill out. If it's something important to you, do it yourself. Otherwise, let it roll off your back.

[pantsparty]

I would try to be more specific, or do certain things yourself. I have a LOT of clothes that can't be put in the dryer. If I showed H a pair of pants, I wouldn't expect him to remember that, especially when taking clothes out of the washer. We have separate laundry baskets for things like that.

I don't know. My mom and my dad have awful communication skills. They're not changing now, but I guess they've found ways to not kill each other after 40 years.

[Deleted]

I would ask him to go down on me more so I could forget my frustrations. Unless, of course, he is bad at that, too.

[snickers]

That would be extremely annoying.
Maybe try writing it down specifically if the task is important to you and you want to make sure he doesn't fuck it up. I don't think he is doing it on purpose...
Good luck!

[Deleted]

i get annoyed when people don't pay attention to stuff that's important to me. but if it happens over and over, i figure i'm the problem and redirect. e.g., my husband SUCKS at laundry, so i do it. walla.

[thatgirl2478]

Jun 29, 2013 13:10:12 GMT -5 bonquiqui said:

But why would you want advice from bad influences?  lol

because *I* don't think you're bad influences ...   most of the time your advice has been spot on - and in this case I think you're all probably right too.  I don't think he does it to be mean, but it just pisses me off that I've asked him nicely to just ask and he can't/won't. 

[zoidberg]

I know it's annoying (trust me, H has a few things that I would like to choke out of him), but I'm sure there are things that you do that annoy the shit out of him. I know there are things that my H has asked me to do/not do a bunch of times that are so deeply ingrained in me that I just don't even register that I'm doing it. I try not to, but sometimes I'm on autopilot and just forget.

We all have our foibles.

[jreeds]

Jun 29, 2013 12:58:10 GMT -5 Saint Monica said:

ADD?

This is what I was going to say. My DH is just like this. It's irritating as fuck. Makes you think he's not listening to you.

[jenna]

Jun 29, 2013 13:55:37 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

Each of you do your own laundry and take in your own cars. This will take care of two sources of rage.
If you want him to make a recipe, set out the ingredients for him.

this.

I would set any laundry that needs special care to the side (or in a separate basket, as mentioned in a pp.)

[speckledfrog]

I guess I don't understand what you mean by he should just ask. Do you think he has questions and isn't asking? Because it seems to me like he thinks he knows what he's doing and just doesn't. He can't go around asking, "Is there anything I need to know that I don't" all the time.

Do you think he has some sort of mental issue?

[litebright]

Honestly, there are just some things I do myself. DH does exactly one laundry setting. He does a ton of laundry, but he *never* separates anything out by special or fragile fabrics, etc. After one shrunken sweater incident, anything I want washed other than cold-normal spin-medium heat, I do myself. IME, that's a losing battle and one I shouldn't bother with getting worked up over for that 1-3% of the clothes I have that require special care. 

The recipe thing -- so he just went out and bought more even though some was already in the cabinet? Happens to me now and then. Better to have more than you need, than not enough, IMO. 

The car thing would irritate me b/c it's a potential safety hazard and not exactly cheap to keep taking a car in to get a problem fixed. If I wanted him to call about a problem with my car that he presumably wasn't driving or hadn't experience firsthand, I'd be really specific & possibly write the details down to make sure the shop was hearing the right thing from the vehicle's regular driver. 

Your DH sounds a little absentminded, and I get that over time that can be really grating even if the specific examples don't sound all that bad. I think "catching" him and calling him out like a kid probably isn't helping matters -- it sounds like you're almost waiting/expecting him to mess up, and that's the kind of thing that breeds resentment on both sides rather than truly cooperating on an issue. I think there's a middle ground that can likely be worked out that involves you being more specific sometimes and more relaxed other times; and him working on paying closer attention. That would be a good discussion to have. 

I think you may need to let go and take the approach sometimes that if you absolutely must have something done a certain way, do it yourself. Otherwise, let him do things his way and so long as they get done, let his method roll off your back. 

[foundmylazybum]

You give your H the responsibility to do these things--he does them his way.

If you want them done your way or a specific way (the pants and the recipe) then you need to do them yourself.



I bet from you H's point of view it's annoying that you ask him to do stuff--then criticize the way in which he does it.

[hbear]

I feel like if he asked you these questions, you would be posting a complaint about how your h asks you too many questions.

I think you are being unreasonable.

[Deleted]

Eh. My h isn't good at following instructions either.

So I don't really ask for his help much.

And I always screw up his clothes when I try to wash them. Or I put stuff in the wrong place. So he doesn't want my help either.

We just work as two parties independently as a whole (if that makes sense).

Unless we really need something from the other. Then we send specific text messages detailing what we want and how to do it.

[thatgirl2478]

Jun 29, 2013 14:54:12 GMT -5 litebright said:

Honestly, there are just some things I do myself. DH does exactly one laundry setting. He does a ton of laundry, but he *never* separates anything out by special or fragile fabrics, etc. After one shrunken sweater incident, anything I want washed other than cold-normal spin-medium heat, I do myself. IME, that's a losing battle and one I shouldn't bother with getting worked up over for that 1-3% of the clothes I have that require special care. 

The recipe thing -- so he just went out and bought more even though some was already in the cabinet? Happens to me now and then. Better to have more than you need, than not enough, IMO. 

The car thing would irritate me b/c it's a potential safety hazard and not exactly cheap to keep taking a car in to get a problem fixed. If I wanted him to call about a problem with my car that he presumably wasn't driving or hadn't experience firsthand, I'd be really specific & possibly write the details down to make sure the shop was hearing the right thing from the vehicle's regular driver. 

Your DH sounds a little absentminded, and I get that over time that can be really grating even if the specific examples don't sound all that bad. I think "catching" him and calling him out like a kid probably isn't helping matters -- it sounds like you're almost waiting/expecting him to mess up, and that's the kind of thing that breeds resentment on both sides rather than truly cooperating on an issue. I think there's a middle ground that can likely be worked out that involves you being more specific sometimes and more relaxed other times; and him working on paying closer attention. That would be a good discussion to have. 

I think you may need to let go and take the approach sometimes that if you absolutely must have something done a certain way, do it yourself. Otherwise, let him do things his way and so long as they get done, let his method roll off your back. 

No - that would bother me less, honestly.  He just didn't bother to ask if we had any - so he left it out.  Luckily it wasn't a CRITICAL ingredient, but it was one that makes dishes more interesting.

Probably. I don't set out to catch him messing something up - it just happens.