Hi guys, I am generally a lurker on here, but just needed some encouragement & good thoughts please. My situation is that I am disabled, & divorced and live with my mom, because of my disabilities, I am having a very hard time getting on my feet. I have a 7 year old little girl, & she is my world. My parents have been seperated for 8 years, but have not divorced so that my mom can stay on his insurance. Well tonight they got in a big fight because my dad finally filed for divorce & screwed her out of alimony & said he would only pay for half of her insurance for 3 years. She is understandably upset, but I am trying to not take sides & am trying to stay out of it. Last week, my dad bought plane tickets for me & my daughter to come & see him. My mom told me tonight that she hopes that I don't go now. I told her that it wouldnt be fair to my daughter, she is really excited to go, & I didn't want to put her in the middle of it & not let her see her grandpa. She told me "fine then, go live with him, get your shit & get out". This is not the first time that she has acted like this when she gets upset with me. I just feel so hopeless right now, I don't know where to go, I don't have enough money to move out & I am just feeling so lost. I also work for her, so I don't even know if I still have my job or not. I have some family that I think I can stay with but that would mean moving 5 states away, & completely uprooting my daughter. If you've made it this far, thank you, just looking for some kind words tonight.
Post by ElizabethBennet on Jun 29, 2013 22:12:25 GMT -5
I'm really sorry. Would a visit with your dad give you a chance to take a breather and hopefully figure out some things? Would your dad to be help you at all?
Post by snipsnsnails on Jun 29, 2013 22:14:06 GMT -5
Oh, Jen, I'm so sorry. I think your mom is still reeling from your father filing and is lashing out at you b/c you're there. A lot of times people treat the ones that they're closest to the worst b/c they trust that they'll still love them on the other end.
Do you or your daughter collect disability payments? Is this enough to move on your own or find a roommate, if push came to shove? Could you find another job? Is your DD's dad in the picture at all financially?
It sounds like your mother is manipulative. I understand it may be very difficult to move out, but for me, it would be worth sacrificing now to not have to endure that kind of manipulation for years down the road. Plus, you moving out will allow you to work on your relationship with her without worrying about her punishing you if you do something she doesn't like.
Post by goaskalice on Jun 29, 2013 22:45:21 GMT -5
That is a stressful situation for sure. I hope you can find the courage and means to move out. I know it's hard to cut ties, but it sounds like it's definitely time.
And as someone with a FIL who should divorce MIL, but won't for similar fucked up reasons, I'm 100% team dad here.
I agree that my getting out is the best thing that I can do, & will be better for myself & my daughter. My mom is very manipulative & unreasonable, & I am done. Just sucks that I am going to have to live somewhere with somebody & can't afford my own place yet. Just so frustrating, I am so tired of having to depend on others, but with my health, I truly can't make enough to do it on my own. I am doing the best that I can.
I used to get SSI, but I recently lost it, because I tried to do this all on my own, ended up working to much, & losing it. But then I physically could'nt handle the work & hours I was doing & ended up having to leave that job. I am in the process of trying to get the SSI back.
I appreciate all the kind thoughts, but to everyone who is saying to get out & manage on my own, I don't think you understand the fact that I can't physically do it on my own. I can manage taking care of a house & my daughter on my own just fine, but because of my disability, I cannot work enough to make the money to fully support a house & all the bills that come with it. I tried working full time, ended up in the hospital numerous times & my disease rapidly progressed. So for everyone that is saying get out & move on, I 110% agree that I need to leave here, but it's not that easy when you don't have a lot of money. I am doing the best that I can.
Aren't you getting any child support? I'm not going to side with either of your parents, but what has your Dad been doing for you for the last 7 years? Why was your Mom cheated out of alimony? Did she really not know he was filing? If he was a sneak and after all this time separated filed and left her struggling then I don't think he is blameless. You know how unhealthy it is living/working with your Mom. I also, think she is hurting and your going on a visit feels like a betrayal. Putting up with her unreasonable and manipulative rants are unfortunately part of being dependent on her. I'd look in to those family members, your DD will adjust and your Mom will see her words have consequences. I wish you luck.
Are there any agencies that can help you manage on your own?
I used to get SSI, but I recently lost it, because I tried to do this all on my own, ended up working to much, & losing it. But then I physically could'nt handle the work & hours I was doing & ended up having to leave that job. I am in the process of trying to get the SSI back.
But do you now possibly qualify for SSD? SSI and SSD are two different programs. SSI is need/income-based. SSD is based on insured status (as in, you worked enough that you paid enough into the system just like regular insurance). From your post I can't tell if you lost your SSI because you earned too much money to be considered no longer disabled or if you just made over the SSI income limits.
You need to go back & make sure. They are usually pretty good about catching eligibility on either program, but occasionally they miss someone.
I appreciate all the kind thoughts, but to everyone who is saying to get out & manage on my own, I don't think you understand the fact that I can't physically do it on my own. I can manage taking care of a house & my daughter on my own just fine, but because of my disability, I cannot work enough to make the money to fully support a house & all the bills that come with it. I tried working full time, ended up in the hospital numerous times & my disease rapidly progressed. So for everyone that is saying get out & move on, I 110% agree that I need to leave here, but it's not that easy when you don't have a lot of money. I am doing the best that I can.
Unless you provide more detail about your disability it's hard to understand what you can and can't do. It's seems like you aren't willing to share that.
Beyond that, I would agree with PP who said to apply for SSD. Hopefully you can get approved and find the independence you need from your mom. Also, I don't know if this would help or not, but can you wait a day or two when your mom isn't really upset with your father and talk with her then about the trip to see your father? She might be a bit more rational in a couple of days.
Post by Doggy Mommy on Jun 30, 2013 9:20:58 GMT -5
Can you move in with your dad for a while until you can figure out disability payments? If you aren't getting child support payments, go to court and get that sorted out. Once that's all in place, I would probably try to find my own small place in a low cost of living area or with a family member. I would also look into low income housing through the government, get on a wait list and food stamps, do what you have to do.
You might also be able to find a rental within someone's house. I know a couple who rent out their basement for pretty cheap and have had single mothers live there. You might be able to find something like that?
Best of luck. I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time and your mom is so manipulative.
Have you looked into family services for your city/county? They may be able to help you with some career counseling resources, housing or food assistance.
Thank you all for the advice. In answer to your questions, my disability is Ankylosing Spondylitis. It is a form a rhuematoid arthritis, & I have a very severe form of it. I am in constant pain, & take 6 oxycodones a day, just to get through the day, & even with that, am still in pain. It also brings a lot of fatigue, & the pain pills just add to it. Working for my mom has worked well for me, it allows me to work at my own pace, & if I am having a really hard time, I can go lay down in the office for awhile, or if it's really bad, I can call off without having to worry about losing my job. As far as SSI goes, I lost it when I worked full time somewhere else, and am now trying to get it back. I am going tomorrow to see what other kind of help that I can get. My daughter's father does pay child support, & it helps, it's just not enough. As far as asking him for help, he is not in our lives at all, doesnt see our daughter & only pays child support through the court. He is a POS. I hope this helps.