How did you know/take the plunge?

[bookworm]

Hi, I've been lurking for a few weeks

For those that initiated separation/divorce, how did you know you didn't want to be married anymore and take the plunge to tell him?

My H and I have been in counseling for about 2 years and our everyday communication has gotten better, but he still has outbursts of being very mean to me. He will cuss me out, call me names and has thrown things a few times. I don't know how I let things continue but I have. Everyone else thinks he is the nicest person ever, which he is, but the outbursts are bad.

Finally this weekend it happened again and I made it pretty clear that I won't tolerate it anymore. I didn't explicitly say I don't want to be together, but I told him this isn't going to work. He asked if I wanted to be together and I said I don't know. Of course now he is begging and giving me a guilt trip, saying that I am giving up on our marriage.

I think I'm 75% sure I don't want to be married because his outbursts are so hurtful and it's been years with no changes. But there's still that 25% that is saying don't give up because we are very happy most of the time.

So any stories or words of encouragement? I'd greatly appreciate it, thanks!

[dakotadangerdog]

Jun 14, 2012 16:00:01 GMT -5 bookworm said:

Hi, I've been lurking for a few weeks

For those that initiated separation/divorce, how did you know you didn't want to be married anymore and take the plunge to tell him?

My H and I have been in counseling for about 2 years and our everyday communication has gotten better, but he still has outbursts of being very mean to me. He will cuss me out, call me names and has thrown things a few times. I don't know how I let things continue but I have. Everyone else thinks he is the nicest person ever, which he is OBVIOUSLY NOT!!!!!!, but the outbursts are bad.

Finally this weekend it happened again and I made it pretty clear that I won't tolerate it anymore. I didn't explicitly say I don't want to be together, but I told him this isn't going to work. He asked if I wanted to be together and I said I don't know. Of course now he is begging and giving me a guilt trip, saying that I am giving up on our marriage.

I think I'm 75% sure I don't want to be married because his outbursts are so hurtful and it's been years with no changes. But there's still that 25% that is saying don't give up because we are very happy most of the time.

So any stories or words of encouragement? I'd greatly appreciate it, thanks!

DUMP THAT MOTHER FUCKER.

[lookingup]

Jun 14, 2012 16:05:54 GMT -5 dakotadangerdog said:

Jun 14, 2012 16:00:01 GMT -5 bookworm said:

Hi, I've been lurking for a few weeks

For those that initiated separation/divorce, how did you know you didn't want to be married anymore and take the plunge to tell him?

My H and I have been in counseling for about 2 years and our everyday communication has gotten better, but he still has outbursts of being very mean to me. He will cuss me out, call me names and has thrown things a few times. I don't know how I let things continue but I have. Everyone else thinks he is the nicest person ever, which he is OBVIOUSLY NOT!!!!!!, but the outbursts are bad.

Finally this weekend it happened again and I made it pretty clear that I won't tolerate it anymore. I didn't explicitly say I don't want to be together, but I told him this isn't going to work. He asked if I wanted to be together and I said I don't know. Of course now he is begging and giving me a guilt trip, saying that I am giving up on our marriage.

I think I'm 75% sure I don't want to be married because his outbursts are so hurtful and it's been years with no changes. But there's still that 25% that is saying don't give up because we are very happy most of the time.

So any stories or words of encouragement? I'd greatly appreciate it, thanks!

DUMP THAT MOTHER FUCKER.

Exactly. You realize that nice people don't do these things, right? This is abuse. If you were to leave him today, it wouldn't be because you were giving up on your marriage; it would be because you are standing up for yourself and deciding that you were unwilling to accept this kind of behavior from a husband, a life partner, or ANYONE, let alone a person who is supposed to love you.

Trust me when I say that you will feel like a new woman once you drop this monkey off your back.

[liubotflittyfud]

Walk away and never let anyone treat you any less than you should be treated.

When I decided to leave STBXH, there were a lot of little things building up. He started to ignore me regularly, hit the decline button when I called, stay out for 2-3 days at a time with "friends" but wouldn't answer the phone. He would say nasty things to me about wearing makeup or going out with girlfriends when he wasn't around. The straw that broke the camel's back was that I had a medical emergency and called him at work. He said he would be available if need be and to call/text him with updates. I was sent to the hospital for ultrasounds because they thought I had deep vein thrombosis and I was scared. Anyway it was all just a scare nothing serious, and I called him. He refused to answer the phone, he called me back 3 hours later and said "I'm at work. What do you want from me?" and I realized I wanted nothing from him. Plus he told me if I did have blood clots that it was my fault for smoking cigs while being on the pill and he had no sympathy. So that day I told him I would be waiting for him when he came home from work and we needed to talk.

Basically I realized what I needed to do and I sat him down when he got home and blatantly stated "I'm not happy and this is what we're going to do. I'm leaving. I'm filing for divorce and I will be moving out shortly." and he agreed. Whether or not he agreed, I was going to do it anyway, and I needed to stand up for myself and do what felt right. Sure it's scary to venture out on your own but you will be better off for it in the long run.

I know it was kind of irrelevant to your situation to post my story, but I just wanted to highlight that I was sick of being treated as a secondary to my H who was supposed to love me for better or worse no matter what. I don't take the back seat to anyone.

Good luck, and do what you feel is right. Chances are if you're contemplating it, deep inside you want it over with. Find out what you want and move on. The first step is the hardest, but it does get better

[stephbfan]

Jun 14, 2012 16:00:01 GMT -5 bookworm said:

Hi, I've been lurking for a few weeks

Everyone else thinks he is the nicest person ever, which he is, but the outbursts are bad.

I'm sorry but he is not.
You have been in counselling for so long and he already showed that he wont change. It doesn't seem you are willing to deal with this for the rest of your life.
Just make the decision and get things moving.

[letyourselfgo]

Um. My story is a holy, dysfunctional trainwreck. So, here goes:

My Ex-H was emotionally abusive and very manipulative. I kept trying to leave, but the people around me, including in the Religion that I belonged to at the time, kept encouraging me to "work it out" and wouldn't help out. Around the time I tried to leave for the second time, I met my Ex-Fiance in a college class. We started dating (so, yes....I did cheat on my Ex-H.) and he took me to the courthouse, I filed for a TPO and then told my Ex-H that I was leaving.....buh-bye. He pulled a knife on me and threatened to kill himself. That was July 12, 2010.

I really think that the only real reason that my Ex-FI (who had a slew of his own, really manipulative bad issues.) was even in my life was to help get me out of that abusive house. And for that, I'm still grateful to him.

I eventually went into a DV shelter for about six weeks, then moved into my own apartment.....

I knew that when I was being treated in such a craptacular way.....it was time to get the hell out. I only wish that my friends and family would have been more supportive of me, when I was trying to get out and asked for help doing so. That's why most of these "friends" are no longer friends of mine.

[explorer2001]

Similar story to yours actually. ExH was do many different kinds of abusive, throwing things, yelling, screaming, guilt threats, hiding racks in the carpet, kicking and hitting "in his sleep" and a lot more. I forced counseling or divorce when I found out he cheated. During the time in counselling everyone (parents, church, work, friends) told me to.stay not to give up on/fail at my marriage. They were wrong. My counsellor told me to get out. We started a trial separation. He came back out of the blue one day, the next he tried to kill me. I threw him out and filed for divorce after that.

He is responsible for his abuse and behavior. He did treat you well and you stood up and refused to be abused. He is the one who gave up on marriage in favor of abuse. He is the reason and his choices.

Please walk away with no guilt. You will be fine, better really, after.

[bookworm]

Thanks everyone who has responded so far.

I haven't told anyone IRL yet either, so I've been contemplating doing that. My parents got divorced after a lot of years of marriage and I think my mom initiated it so I've been thinking about talking to her about it, but I'm still not sure.

I guess I'm just holding on for the hope that maybe things will change soon since the incidences have gotten less, but they still happen, so that's no excuse.

[bookworm]

Jun 14, 2012 16:17:22 GMT -5 @liubotflittyfud said:

Walk away and never let anyone treat you any less than you should be treated.

When I decided to leave STBXH, there were a lot of little things building up. He started to ignore me regularly, hit the decline button when I called, stay out for 2-3 days at a time with "friends" but wouldn't answer the phone. He would say nasty things to me about wearing makeup or going out with girlfriends when he wasn't around. The straw that broke the camel's back was that I had a medical emergency and called him at work. He said he would be available if need be and to call/text him with updates. I was sent to the hospital for ultrasounds because they thought I had deep vein thrombosis and I was scared. Anyway it was all just a scare nothing serious, and I called him. He refused to answer the phone, he called me back 3 hours later and said "I'm at work. What do you want from me?" and I realized I wanted nothing from him. Plus he told me if I did have blood clots that it was my fault for smoking cigs while being on the pill and he had no sympathy. So that day I told him I would be waiting for him when he came home from work and we needed to talk.

Basically I realized what I needed to do and I sat him down when he got home and blatantly stated "I'm not happy and this is what we're going to do. I'm leaving. I'm filing for divorce and I will be moving out shortly." and he agreed. Whether or not he agreed, I was going to do it anyway, and I needed to stand up for myself and do what felt right. Sure it's scary to venture out on your own but you will be better off for it in the long run.

I know it was kind of irrelevant to your situation to post my story, but I just wanted to highlight that I was sick of being treated as a secondary to my H who was supposed to love me for better or worse no matter what. I don't take the back seat to anyone.

Good luck, and do what you feel is right. Chances are if you're contemplating it, deep inside you want it over with. Find out what you want and move on. The first step is the hardest, but it does get better

Thank you for sharing your story!

[lookingup]

OP, since you asked a question, I will answer it as well. A little of my backstory:

We were together for nearly seven years, and married for two and a half. I always thought my H was a "great guy," except for a few little things which I later realized should have been huge red flags, starting at the very beginning of our relationship. He would say things and make jokes about my body, would tell me what to eat or what not to eat, and would tell me I needed to start exercising and lose weight. Unfortunately I was just accustomed to being treated this way thanks to my ever-loving parents, so I know that's why I felt that his behavior was acceptable while we were dating and engaged.

I vividly remember our first come to Jesus talk six months into our marriage. I told him we needed to talk, so we sat down in the living room and I started talking. I told him that I didn't want to be in a relationship like this for the rest of my life, and I cried. He cried. I told him that I don't need him to make comments or talk about my body, that it was an issue I'd been struggling with my entire life. Of course he apologized and promised to change. Things would be all lovey dovey for a couple of weeks, and then they would go back to how they were.

The day before our first anniversary we were going to his best friend's wedding. He was helping me zip my dress and said "Damn baby, you need to lose weight!" I was horrified. The dress fit perfectly though I had bought it a year and a half before, and I looked great in it. I'm pretty sure I slapped him across the face, and we spent the next several hours being angry with each other. He truly didn't even understand why I was upset, since in his brain he was just stating a matter of fact.

Anyway, we had a few more come to Jesus meetings, during each of which he'd cry and promise to change, and afterwards nothing really would. At one point I told him not to even touch me, because I was so tired of him pinching and poking me and hurting me that I didn't want him to touch me at all. For serious.

I had the word "divorce" in my head for several months before I talked about it with H, but I told him that we had issues, that I was unhappy, and I asked if he would go to counseling with me. He straight up told me no. The straw that broke the camel's back was a few weeks after that when he was going out of town for the weekend and wanted to take my car instead of his truck to save on gas. That's great and all, but I couldn't drive his truck, and I had to work both nights. I would have had no way to or from work other than walking or riding my bike. It was only a short distance, but I was totally uncomfortable with it considering that when I left work at 10PM, no one would be waiting for me to come home. He just would not take no for an answer, and finally when I started crying he backed off and said he was only joking.

After he left I decided I was done. I knew he didn't care about me, no matter how much he said he did. I actually stayed with him for four months after that and tried as much as I could to make it work, but I was just checked out for good.

There were lots of other things that were crappy about having him for a husband, so this is really just a brief synopsis of one of our major issues. You have to be the one to decide where your breaking point lies, and how long you're willing to accept your H's behavior towards you. I can definitely tell you though that you deserve better.

[usedtobebear]

Welcome to the board, I'm new here too. Haven't filed for divorce yet but my DH has moved out and there is no chance for reconciliation. Your marriage sounds like mine, my DH has always been a bit of a hot head and would just have these random outbursts, I remember several occassions over our 10 year marriage when he would throw something or just do something so crazy and my heart would just beat out of my chest. He never hit me so I think I justfied staying longer than I should have. I knew I wasn't happy but I just could not pull it together to leave him. I mostly felt responsible for him in an unhealthy way and kept thinking if I did this or that he would get better and we would be happy.

We went to counseling around the 5 year mark and it did help for a little while, and overall my DH doesn't have have the tantrums like he used to, but, he has a shit ton of other issues that are above and beyond my control. I recently started puting myself first, goign to counseling, confiding in close friends and family when in the past I always felt like I need to protect my DH as I always wanted people to like him and see the good in him. You deserve better, I do too. My DH recenlty started accusing me of all sorts of crazy stuff so he left me no choice but to end this marriage, as hard as it is, I know I deserve more in life and I'm going to start a new life without him in it, you can too! Good Luck with everything and this board is great for advice and support.

[bookworm]

Jun 14, 2012 17:08:13 GMT -5 usedtobebear said:

He never hit me so I think I justfied staying longer than I should have. I knew I wasn't happy but I just could not pull it together to leave him. I mostly felt responsible for him in an unhealthy way and kept thinking if I did this or that he would get better and we would be happy.

Yep, I've thought the same things. For some reason I feel like it would be easier if he did hit me. I know name calling and tantrums are just as bad though but for some reason I've just let it slide since it isn't a regular occurrence.

Even though I am happy 90% of the time, it doesn't justify the 10% of the time when he is abusive. I guess I'm finally slowly starting to realize this. I'm pretty independent as in I'm not so much worried about being miserable without him, but more worried about him and if I'll have any regrets. Ugh.

Thanks for listening everyone!

[beerme]

Our marriage got to the point where we just didn't one another's company. Everything felt forced. I would pretend to be sleeping in the morning when he woke up to leave for work so I wouldn't have to talk to him. I feel awful even typing that because he is really my best friend. Romantically, we just aren't a good match.

I would picture myself in five years and feel anxious. I knew we needed to chat. He felt the same way.

[aliciar6]

Jun 14, 2012 16:05:54 GMT -5 dakotadangerdog said:

Hi, I've been lurking for a few weeks

For those that initiated separation/divorce, how did you know you didn't want to be married anymore and take the plunge to tell him?

My H and I have been in counseling for about 2 years and our everyday communication has gotten better, but he still has outbursts of being very mean to me. He will cuss me out, call me names and has thrown things a few times. I don't know how I let things continue but I have. Everyone else thinks he is the nicest person ever, which he is OBVIOUSLY NOT!!!!!!, but the outbursts are bad.

Finally this weekend it happened again and I made it pretty clear that I won't tolerate it anymore. I didn't explicitly say I don't want to be together, but I told him this isn't going to work. He asked if I wanted to be together and I said I don't know. Of course now he is begging and giving me a guilt trip, saying that I am giving up on our marriage.

I think I'm 75% sure I don't want to be married because his outbursts are so hurtful and it's been years with no changes. But there's still that 25% that is saying don't give up because we are very happy most of the time.

So any stories or words of encouragement? I'd greatly appreciate it, thanks!

Well i knew from the time before we got married I shouldn't do it, but did it anyway, but that's a totally different story.

I knew i didn't want to be married anymore when I'd rather spend another year in Iraq than come home. Unfortunately they made me come home.

I really tried after that so that way I could say that I gave it everything I could, but to be honest my "really trying" wasn't giving 100%, i just didn't care.

When I saw how happy my friends were after 20 years of marriage and 3 kids, i knew that how my marriage was, isn't how it's supposed to be. Around the same time, I met FI, and I knew, I needed to end things with XH. So I told him as soon as I got home from work travel that I was done and we were getting a divorce.

It wasn't about the fact that I met another person, that gave me the final push I needed to just end things. It was because I knew I'd be happier alone and with my cat than I ever could be with XH. I could not live the way I was living anymore.

he would be verbally abusive too, he was a jerk, he'd talk down to me, I could tell that really the only thing he wanted was someone to pay for his lifestyle. He wasn't sad to lose me in the end, he was mad that he no longer had the lifestyle he was used to and was losing the house and had to start all over on only his salary.

I'll never regret leaving XH. I'm glad I'm still friends with his family though. I'm glad i have the greatest FI in the world who treats me like I am the most valuable thing in the world to him and truely appreciates me.

In your situation, I'd leave in a heartbeat. It's not always easy to do and it took me almost 4 years to finally pull the plug on something I should have never started to begin with.

[jade28]

I think our stories may be similar. My ex was a nice guy. I still believe he has a good heart. A few considered him verbally abusive and manipulative. I am still not sure. I do know there were some really bad days. He could be really mean sometimes and have outbursts or ignore me for days. Other people got this nice, sweet guy but I got someone who constantly insulted me and just didn't seem to like me much. However, some days were absolutely perfect, ideal days - everything I could ever want. He could do the sweetest things and be the most perfect husband.

Here is what I learned:

Those really good days...don't need to come at such a high cost. I paid heavily for those good, happy days and moments.

I am here to tell you, it doesn't need to be that way. I know it may be hard to believe because you don't know any other type of relationship but just trust that what you really want for yourself exists.

Sure every relationship has bad days, but a guy should always treat you respectfully and nicely and always put the good of the relationship first. You can get into fights without anyone being mean or rude or insulting or throwing things.

Also, remember, just because you love someone or care for someone or have feelings for someone....doesn't mean you should be with them or they are what you want. This was an eye opener for me. Sometimes feelings don't mean anything...sometimes they are just feelings that you can feel and acknowledge but not act on.

I never knew for sure whether I wanted a divorce or not. There were moments I was certain and there were moments I was filled with doubt. There are no wrong or right decisions, there are just decisions and eventually you make a choice.

I'm sure you already know what you want to do, you just aren't ready to listen to it and that is okay. Take time, live your life, do things for you and when the time is right...you will know what you have to do.

[marigoldgirl]

You already know that things will never change. You have to decide if 90% is good enough for you. I think it is not. You should look for better. There are men who are not like this. I found one at 45 and he has never in two years yelled at me. belittle me, or made me feel unworthy.

I stayed with my X for 24 years because some of the time he was nice. He would be nice long enough for me to almost forget what how mean, controlling, and emotionally abusive he really was. Then he would blow up and I would be hurt all over again. My wounds could never really heal. He ended up killing all feelings I had. I, like you thought if he would hit me then I would know I should leave. But really the emotional abuse is just as hurtful. Don't discredit it.

The other thing is he could not believe me unless I was really serious about leaving and when I became serious then there was nothing left for him to do. He could not ever change enough to save the marriage.

It was such a freeing experience to take back my life after giving it to him. People don't really understand this unless they have lived in this kind of situation. He could no longer hurt me. Nothing he said or did bothered me because I took back the control I gave him. I did not realize how much he controlled even my thoughts until I was free. I have never looked back once my decision was made. The should I go or stay that I lived with for years was over.

[formerlyknownasefl]

It's never going to be easy but you just have to find strength and do it.

The straw that broke the camels back for me was that I didn't want my son to grow up thinking this was what a normal marriage looked like. I was also just miserable and it was getting to the point where it was making me depressed and affecting my ability to be a good parent.

It's is NOT okay how your husband is treating you and he's manipulating you by making you feel guilty about leaving. Ive only been seperated for a month and a half and u deal with the guilt every day but I am so much happier and a better mother. It's hard as hell to leave but I promise it does get better and you deserve better.

[bookworm]

All of your words have really helped. I'm traveling for work right now, but have to go back home briefly tonight. I don't really know what I'm going to say or do, but I know I won't feel guilty thanks to everything that you all have said. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

[mandimija]

Late to the party, but I left my ex husband after years of emotional abuse that eventually got physical. I justified staying because I never had bruises or any kind of mark. However, I did have holes in my walls and in a door. Being raised Southern Baptist then converting to Catholicism didn't help. One simply did not divorce. It just wasn't done. Especially at 25, and after only 3 years of marriage. Fortunately, I had a good pastor (who told me to get out). The priest who married us offered to help me start the annulment process.

After a huge, horrible fight, I was supposed to meet my best friend for dinner. I didn't show, and texted her that I'd be late. She came straight to my house, helped me pack a bag, and told me I had a place to live...in her guest room. I stayed with her, went to counseling with XH (which just confirmed my feeling that this marriage needed to be over), and began making permanent plans to leave the area.

I got a job out of state and accepted it. I went in for a week and tried a last-ditch effort to make it work. It was an unmitigated disaster. XH went to work one Wednesday night (he's a music minister), and I asked that he be home by midnight so that we could at least try to connect. He told me he would be staying out however long he wished because I'd been gone for four months. I was done. He did not care about me. Nothing had changed, and as long as I stayed with him, I was going to be going through the same ridiculous, abusive shit. So I researched lawyers, picked one based on a friend's recommendation (he was a former lawyer), and made an appointment. At the counseling appointment the next day, I told him I was done. XH tried some manipulative shit, and the counselor kicked his ass out and did a one-man intervention to make damn certain I wouldn't go back to him. When the marriage counselor says that he can't in good conscience tell you to even consider working on your marriage, you know you need to get the fuck out.

A year out, the divorce is final, and I'm finishing dealing with XH after the sale of this house. It hasn't been easy, but I am much happier and healthier than I ever was. It does get better. I promise.

[bookworm]

Jun 16, 2012 13:33:18 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

He's not a nice person. Sometimes he doesn't say vicious, ugly, hurtful things to you, that's all. He's not two people. He's the whole of his actions. And the whole of his actions show very clearly he's a pig. And somehow YOU'RE the bad person, in his mind, for not agreeing to tolerate his verbal abuse.

There's nothing wrong at all, by teh way, about giving up on someone who is really mean. There's no prize, no medal at the end of it all, for the woman who took the most abuse before leaving. Would you want your daughter to live with this? Would you ever forgive anyone who spoke to your mother like this?

Thank you for your words. I have to just keep reminding myself of this as he begs for another chance. I know there is no excuse. I'm intelligent so why do I (and so many women) put up with this. Ugh.

I keep coming back to this post to remind me of others who have been there and know things don't have to be this way.

[mandimija]

Bookworm, we put up with it not because we're stupid, but because abuse, by its very nature, undermines our ability to see the situation clearly and get out of it. That's what makes it so sickening.

[Miel]

I am so sorry that you had to experience his abuse and I am so glad that you are realizing how much you are worth. You don't deserve to be treated that way. EVER.

How I knew:
We moved across the country shortly after we were married so that I could attend culinary school and about 1 week after we arrived in our new town I got a job and started working 40-50 hours a week while EXH stayed at home "looking" for a job. A few months later I started school full time and kept working 40-50 hours a week to pay our bills. I would get up at 4:30 AM to be in class by 6:00 AM (30 minutes away), get out of class at 2:30 PM, drive home, let the dog out (because EXH was "too busy" playing X-box to let her out) then go to work from 3:15 PM until 10:30 PM or 11:00 PM, go home and make dinner because EXH "didn't know how" then stay up for another hour trying to do homework and get some housework done. I was exhausted, stressed out and hated being around him because he never helped me out. Then he started to tell me how much he hated that we moved and it was all my fault because my dream was "stupid". I put up with it for a long time thinking that he would eventually find a job and friends and enjoy living in our new town but it never happened.

One weekend he flew home for his brother's wedding and for the first time, in almost a year, I felt a sense of calm and relief. It was so nice to be alone and to not feel so trapped. When I called him a few days before he was scheduled to come home I told him how I felt and he agreed to stay back at home to work at his parents business to at least make some money but instead he stayed at his parents house and hung out with his friends, get drunk and called me and screamed at me about how I was a "cheating whore" (not true), "lazy and ungrateful" and how he wished he had never married me. Sober him apologized but that was it for me.

[theycallmeliz]

Welcome. Im sorry you are in such a confused place. I know its hard to see the silver lining, but I promise it is there. As someone who came from a (previous) home of verbal abuse, I can tell you that HE WILL NOT CHANGE. Let me repeat: HE. WILL. NOT. CHANGE. EVER. There are deeper reasons as to why he wont... whether its because he just justifies it in his mind so that he does not see it as abuse, or that he was brought up in that environment and can't even tell that it is abuse, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.

Its a difficult choice and therapy is the way to go. You can talk to close family, as a lot of us have done ourselves, but just remember that they are biased in that they care so much for you and will only suggest what they think is best for you based on the fact that they love you. You have to come to this decision yourself.

To answer your original question of how to bring it up. . . My XH and I were doing pretty bad on our own and I had originally suggested a 1 year separation. But I also told him that it would have to be restrictive in that we do not date anyone during that time, because it will only make things worse. This was a line in the sand that he crossed before we made our separation "official" and I was done. I told him I was done and it was as simple as ripping off a band-aid.