Yes. H does probably 80% of the work when we're home because I'm doing it while he's at work and I need a break. He likes doing it because he's gone all day and wants to spend time with David. Right now I'm drinking coffee and surfing the internet while they're out washing the car. During the week, other than my making dinner, H does all of the David duties including bedtime, bath time, playing, etc. It's always been that way. I'm pretty sure my IL's have always judged me for this because it APPEARS H does all of the work when we're together, but fuck, I do it all week during the day and H LIKES to do it.
Tamb, you shouldn't feel this way
My in laws HATE me for being a 'gold digger' lol who makes her H babysit and cook and do his own laundry. They're ridiculous. My sil can't figure out why she can't find a man, at the same time telling me that she always makes it clear on a first date that she's into traditional roles because 'that's what men want'. Lol.
lol! H does his own laundry, too. And sometimes mine! I established that shit early on, I hate laundry!
I swear, when David was in diapers and we'd be visiting our ILs, H would come to get the diaper bag from me so he could change him, I'd feel the stares on me, like "why is HE going to change the diaper???" My FIL never changed a diaper, ever. ALso, when we're at a party, H is the one who watches over David more while I socialize. It's nice not having to be solely responsible for him 24/7.
And like Tamb, I do have some control issues, but not when it comes to H parenting David. I'm totally okay with kicking back and letting him take the lead. I like the break. I do think having one kid is pretty easy and I'm not trying to act like it's the hardest thing in the world because it's pretty awesome but being with him 12 hours a day, non-stop, does get tedious. If I was with anybody for that long, let alone taking care of them the entire time, you need some separation.
no. and it has nothing to do with how much time we each spend, respectively, with the kid or anything like that. i just don't. our kid is a joint venture project and we should each be equally invested in both caring for her and in replenishing ourselves so that we're at our best for each other and for her. i've always felt this way, so i'm not sure how to get there, mentally. i mean, when she was a newborn we were both very careful about "i'll be gone for an hour" and then sticking to that and not sallying in 3 hours later like "what's the big deal that you tripled my time caring for a miniature child with 10,000 needs?" but other than that, i think because we make an effort to give each other equal time alone, neither of us feels obligated to the other.
besides, i figure he owes me forever for gestating and giving birth. i carried 100% of THAT burden. lol.
Post by sillygoosegirl on Jul 6, 2013 13:09:27 GMT -5
I'm not a parent yet, but I figure that with all the shit I will have to deal with being pregnant, giving birth, and breast feeding, it's gonna be his turn to be the primary parent for the next 17 years or so after that.
When W was a newborn and he was nursing frequently, I was always worried that he was hungry (he never liked bottles) and H was going to have to deal with the wrath of a starving baby. Now that he can pretty much go all day without nursing (although, I'm never gone that long. My boobs would explode!), I don't worry. W is actually better for H than he is with me!
Yes. Things are much better now but for a few years I just didn't go out, because when I did he would call or text nonstop, asking when I would be home, and/or complaining about something. It would make me ragey because I am home all day, everyday with the kids. He works 2 jobs, was in a band that practiced a lot, travels for business at least a week out of every month to awesome places, is going to Germany and London this fall, meanwhile I would like to just go out for a few fucking hours now and then without being hassled. For the love.
Like I said he is coming around and better these days about giving me some me time. But then again this morning I walked in from a 2 hour photography session (that made us some extra vacation money ), and got a speech about how he works 2 jobs and should not be spending a Saturday morning chasing kids and cleaning up their messes. I am still reattaching my head from that comment.
But that might be a message you're sending. And why do you feel like you're imposing on him? You're not asking him to do you a favor, you're expecting him to be a parent.
Probably because I get so stressed out when I'm home alone with her, so I assume he feels the same way. I imagine him at home, all stressed out and wondering wtf I am coming back.
But part of the reason you get stressed is because you are the one doing it ALL.THE.TIME. He doesnt do it all the time. And even if he does, I guess I wonder why you feel like he shouldn't have to be stressed sometimes. He is the other parent. It's not your job to make his life easier by taking on all the work, it's supposed to be he two of you working together to create balance and stay sane.
And dont sell him short on the experiences you have with her. Stressful sometimes? Sure. But that's part of parenting, and of learning to appreciate the rest of it. Give him the opporutnity to share all of it with her and with you.
I used to feel guilty, but I got over it. Partly it was because I'm in school, and during the semester, I'm working as many hours as my H. Partly because, until this last semester, I had never been away from her during her waking hours as long as my husband is away from her every day he's at work. When I think about it that way, I don't feel bad.
He's great with her and just as capable as I am, but he sometimes still calls and asks when I'm coming home, which irritates me. He just forgets what it's like to be alone with her for more than like, four or five hours. Occasionally I feel bad going out alone when she's awake, because he almost never goes anywhere alone except work. He's free to, but he just doesn't.
But that might be a message you're sending. And why do you feel like you're imposing on him? You're not asking him to do you a favor, you're expecting him to be a parent.
Probably because I get so stressed out when I'm home alone with her, so I assume he feels the same way. I imagine him at home, all stressed out and wondering wtf I am coming back.
now, see, this i relate to. not kid-specific, but i have a horrible habit of presuming that my husband has the same emotional response to things that i do. that's not true at least 90% of the time. it took me a long time to figure out that maybe i should just ask him how he feels (i realize that this is totally obvious, but i would just act like he was feeling like i was feeling and he'd look at me like i was nuts. over and over. i'm not that bright, sometimes.).
and i've also realized that trying to solve all of his "problems" (that are mostly in my head) is rather insulting to him. he's an adult with ample problem-solving skills, so he doesn't need me to fix his life for him. just not to make it worse. ha.
Probably because I get so stressed out when I'm home alone with her, so I assume he feels the same way. I imagine him at home, all stressed out and wondering wtf I am coming back.
now, see, this i relate to. not kid-specific, but i have a horrible habit of presuming that my husband has the same emotional response to things that i do. that's not true at least 90% of the time. it took me a long time to figure out that maybe i should just ask him how he feels (i realize that this is totally obvious, but i would just act like he was feeling like i was feeling and he'd look at me like i was nuts. over and over. i'm not that bright, sometimes.).
and i've also realized that trying to solve all of his "problems" (that are mostly in my head) is rather insulting to him. he's an adult with ample problem-solving skills, so he doesn't need me to fix his life for him. just not to make it worse. ha.
Not at all, at least not after the first time or two when she was itty bitty and I was rushing back to nurse every 2 hrs. He's her Dad its good for them to have time together to bond without me right there. The only time I was worried was when DH had a guys night planned an during my "me time" I went to get my nails done and they took forever so I was hurrying so he could leave on time.
We use a rule of thirds for weekends, we each get a 1/3 of the time for me time while the other spends time with DD, and the other 1/3 we spend as a family (park, children's museum, seeing the ILs, etc). Week nights DH takes point since I SAH and he needs time with her but we share duty and take turns with bath and bed time
I would make sure everything was easy for him when I left and I regret doing all the prep work. What if something happened to me and he actually had to step up, then I'd have handicapped him by not letting him figure it out on his own. Also, they seemed so freaking happy to see me after a few hours gone it was worth not feeling taken for granted, lol. Take a deep breath and remind yourself he is capable, and their time alone is a good foundation for their relationship. She will know she can count on her daddy.
Is anyone here in a marriage where the dad does the bulk of the childcare when both parents are home?
Yes, I'd say that I am. H is a firefighter, and works 24 hours on, 48 hours off. He is the primary caretaker for DS for 2 out of every 3 days, if that makes sense (I'm a teacher, so I'm home all the time now, but most of the year, I work during the day). Because of that time together, when we are both home, my H just naturally tends to take over, I guess. On the flip side, I have large blocks of time alone with DS, too, when H is at work. Maybe because of the schedule itself, I don't think either of us feels guilty being gone for a few hours socially-we both encourage it. It sounds corny, but we are a team, & know that time away does a lot for us in the long run.
I felt that way when exclusively breastfeeding (and so now feel that way with the new one), but as soon as they aren't reliant on me for food, no. I don't give a shit. Lol.
Probably because I get so stressed out when I'm home alone with her, so I assume he feels the same way. I imagine him at home, all stressed out and wondering wtf I am coming back.
yep. i relate. i'm not stressed being with my kid - it's more so that i enjoy being with my H and my kid at the same time b/c it is easier. you know? so, i am always cognizant of how much 'me' time i take b/c i like to avoid those situations (where i am parenting alone).
i will say though, that this 'parenting alone' was only really an issue between 12-18 months. those were hell days. now, i'd say it's not that much of a concern. my H is going OOT later this month and i'm breezy. if you remember, when he went OOT a few months ago, i was wigging out.
Tell me more about these "hell days"...my kid is almost 16 months and has suddenly become an impish troublemaker whose favourite activity is to do the opposite of what I want. I took him shopping yesterday (he needed new shorts) and holy temper tantrums.
I know he's trying to be independent (won't hold my hand, insists on feeding himself even though that means food goes everywhere, etc) and he's frustrated he can't verbalize what he wants but I need a light at the end of the tunnel. Especially since I will be a SAHM in a couple of weeks.
I did the first time so I didn't text him and ask. I figured he would text me if he needed help. And he didn't text and I to home and they were fine. So I stopped worrying
Now I've never been gone for hours so this could change but ultimately it's his kid too and he knows what he's doing. Or figures something out. She seems to like him so how bad can it be when I'm gone?
No, I dont feel this way. Why? Because he's just as much their parent as I am and certainly just as capable (if not more, in some ways). I think one of the reasons that I never felt guilty was because he never felt guilty or worried when the kids were with me because he trusts me, and he deserves the same respect and trust.
If I had a child now (and a husband) lol I know I'd have a very hard time and would feel exactly like you tamb....this is how I am with everything. Really trying to work on this and not feeling rushed and guilty
Is anyone here in a marriage where the dad does the bulk of the childcare when both parents are home?
Right now i do more because I'm breast feeding and find pumping a hassle so only do it if I'm planning to be out. Plus I'm on leave so I'm on the night wake ups since he has to work. But he'll take her right after she eats to burp her and bath her and does as many diaper changes. And he's our main cook and other home things.
This will shift to him bring the main parent when I go back to work and he'll start leave. So expect when we both work it will be fairly even because he's just as used to doing it.
I am like booby and prefer to do stuff as a family to avoid parenting alone lol, so I am aware of how much time I spend away from them. Mostly because I don't want to turn around and have him do the same.
I will say I have left him more times then he has left me for like long days and weekend away. He doesn't care and loves the time alone with them. I on the otherhand dread it lol i left H with 6 mo Leo and Jack for 4 nights. He has not left me alone over night yet.
Nope. I figure DS needs time with his 'dada' just as much as he needs me. I try to make sure DH knows my plans and an ETA of when I'll be back but I don't fret while I'm out and about. DH has my -#. He'll call if he really needs me, but he's a big boy. He can handle keeping his son happy, fed, dry (diapers I mean!) and napped if needed.
Mmmmmmaybe when DS was teeny tiny, I'd worry that he needed me, but I have always tried a 'sink or swim' approach with DH. He can figure it out the same way I did. And now that DS is almost 1, he is a lot easier to communicate with and play with as he gets more mobile & interactive.
The part I hate is that they are clearly having a great time on their own, and I regret missing that time with them. We work different shifts, so if I leave DS with DH it's family time I'm giving up.
The other day I strongly hinted DH needed to take DS and the dog for a walk to give me some peace, and they got back and then DS had a blast playibg with the hose watering the garden and washing the car...and I was being grumpy inside alone.
I do resent time DH is away for social things on top of his shift work, even though he does tons at home and us home every Mobday with DS. I just wish he had fewer/more boring friends...like me.
Nope not even a little bit. I've always been 100% fine with it. I went to Australia for 10 days when my kids were 8 months old. I knew they were all fine.
No, I dont feel this way. Why? Because he's just as much their parent as I am and certainly just as capable (if not more, in some ways). I think one of the reasons that I never felt guilty was because he never felt guilty or worried when the kids were with me because he trusts me, and he deserves the same respect and trust.
This is how I'm really hoping we end up being.
I've already said to my husband that spending time with his kid being a parent is NOT babysitting, it's being her dad. I want him to do all the same things I do because he is more than capable and should never feel "second" and to put me in check if I boss him around.
I've said to him "I have a lot of experience with babies, but not our baby. We're in the same boat."
Granted she is not here yet but I really hope it ends up being like that. I would blame myself if it doesn't.
Post by BunnyMacDougal on Jul 6, 2013 18:34:50 GMT -5
We started out like what you're describing. I felt rushed and that I had to be overly grateful for any time away I had while H watched C. And he would kinda make the thanks seem appropriate and act magnanimous for having "helped".
I didn't know any better, and it felt like just as much of an obligation to her as it was to him just to keep down time to a minimum and handle my responsibilities.
Then I used to tell him how wound up I would be after a day of caring for her and he admitted he didn't understand. Over the next months he tried to really take her for long amounts of time to give me a break, even if he didn't understand completely. In all that time, I guess he "got it". He told me one night he was sorry he'd underestimated the power of all the getting stuff, deciphering chatter, cleaning up, diapering, entertaining, hauling to and fro, and trying to accomplish anything else on the side.....I was kinda surprised by it, and SO VINDICATED. It lead to the tagging out phenomenon I've mentioned before.
He'll routinely come home and just tell me to grab my bag and catch a minute of solitude. Its wonderful. Want me to tell him to call your H?
No, H is pretty good with Joanna. I guess I should ask him how he feels and maybe he would reassure me that my impression is correct, but I'm afraid he'll tell me he IS stressed out, and that will just make me feel worse about going out by myself.
From everything I have read about your h, he seems really understanding and cares about your well being. Ask him and let him reassure you that you are just being crazy. And then believe him.