s/o, when your H is watching your kids, do you feel guilty

[sawyerthedestroyer]

Not at all. It brings me joy to know that H is sitting at home counting down the minutes until I get back.

[sewf]

I feel bad when H has to watch Malcolm for eight hours on Saturday while I am at work. But when I get home, I take baby duty for a while to let him decompress. H does the same for me when I have DS all day.

He also washes all of the bottles before work every day, which I HATE doing, so it evens out.

[noodleoo]

This seems to be a uniquely mom problem. And I don't get it, but I don't have kids. Does your H make you feel bad about leaving? Complaining how hard it is on him? Do you default to doing all the child care? He's the father, I think it is better for everyone to make sure he's just as capable as you are to take care of the kids alone.

I also HATE with a passion when men refer to watching their own kids as babysitting. And I judge women who let them get away with it.

[DotAndBuzz]

no. I got over it by reminding myself that I deal with that crap all day, every day. He can survive for 2 hours (or 5) every now and then.

[lolobeth802]

I used to. And i would prepare for the time ahead, like Sue Sue. But the years have changed that and the kids are a little older. I know he can handle it now, and if it sucks for him, oh well. It's not going to make him love them any less. I do sometimes still get all the ducks in a row before I leave, so hopefully I don't come home to a shit storm

[wrathofkuus]

I'm mostly with noodleoo, except that in my observations (which are, I will admit, not numerous enough to be statistically significant), it appears to be the mothers who think of and treat them as "my kids" and approach the father's parenting as more of a momentary babysitting job, without the father having much to do with this approach by the mother.

So I guess ny non-parent question is: mothers, why are you crazy?

[EmilieMadison]

No, I dont feel this way. Why? Because he's just as much their parent as I am and certainly just as capable (if not more, in some ways). 
I think one of the reasons that I never felt guilty was because he never felt guilty or worried when the kids were with me because he trusts me, and he deserves the same respect and trust. 

[candreco]

I did with DD when she was little, but pretty quickly realized that I was a better mother for having breaks that were my time, rather than time to get stuff done while she napped or time spent at work. I've been much better about it with DS, I have no idea if there really is any correlation, but DS is much more equally attached to both DH and I than DD was.

It also helps that I'm sure that DH is not counting down the minutes until I get home. He's done his share of full days home with both kids this summer while we're transitioning childcare situations, and he really is awesome with them, and probably gets less stressed about it since he's generally less focused on getting stuff done than I am.

ETA: About dads "babysitting" their own kids- that's the biggest factor, and not the attitude in our house.  We're partners, with equal if different responsibilities depending on our strengths and weaknesses.

[tricia23]

I always feel that way, but mostly because DH doesn't make me leaving the kids with him a relaxing event. He acts like he is doing me the world's biggest favour, and if I'm gone too long he gets super annoying. It's just not worth it. Lol

[wrathofkuus]

Maybe we should leave tricia's husband with myself and noodleoo for the day.

*cracking knuckles*

[xokell2]

Lurker here chiming in... This is my exact situation. I admit, I enable it. I've been breast feeding for a year and if I'm gone too long my husband calls me before he feeds the baby to see if I'll be home soon so I can just nurse. It makes me anxious being away, granted he watches the kids 1-2 days a week for 14 goes while I'm at work so I know he's capable. I doubt he feels the edge of anxiety when he's away.

[wrathofkuus]

Is anyone here in a marriage where the dad does the bulk of the childcare when both parents are home?

[ElizabethBennet]

I don't as much anymore. My h has never ever acted like he was babysitting or doing me a huge favor. He's always been a very hands on parent and encourages me to get out whenever I need to.

[game blouses]

I did when DS was nursing like 8 times a day. (When he was nursing more than that, I never got to leave, lol.) I'd worry that my 30 minutes at the gym would be too long and DS would go insane from hunger. Not helped by the blow-by-blow of how HARD it was when I was gone.

[EmilieMadison]

Jul 6, 2013 12:07:55 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

Is anyone here in a marriage where the dad does the bulk of the childcare when both parents are home?

DH does a lot more "with" them when we're both home. I'm with them while he's at work and so when he's home, he wants time with them and they want daddy and I want to be alone LOL. But for the most part, we both do an equitable share. 

[speckledfrog]

Jul 6, 2013 12:10:42 GMT -5 ElizabethBennet said:

I don't as much anymore. My h has never ever acted like he was babysitting or doing me a huge favor. He's always been a very hands on parent and encourages me to get out whenever I need to.

Mine, too.  He really is a great guy.  Plus, he knows that I need some time to myself and that it makes me a happier person.  So, in a way I feel like I'm doing him a favor by getting out because then I'm not a hosebeast.  Win-win!

[EmilieMadison]

Jul 6, 2013 12:18:24 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

Jul 6, 2013 11:56:49 GMT -5 EmilieMadison said:

No, I dont feel this way. Why? Because he's just as much their parent as I am and certainly just as capable (if not more, in some ways). 
I think one of the reasons that I never felt guilty was because he never felt guilty or worried when the kids were with me because he trusts me, and he deserves the same respect and trust. 

It is more that I feel like I am imposing on him in some way by leaving her with him. Not that I don't trust him.

But that might be a message you're sending. And why do you feel like you're imposing on him? You're not asking him to do you a favor, you're expecting him to be a parent. 

[Deleted]

Jul 6, 2013 12:07:55 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

Is anyone here in a marriage where the dad does the bulk of the childcare when both parents are home?

Yes. My h also travels for work, so he's gone for 2 weeks, comes home for a week, then takes off for another 2 weeks, and I SAH. When he's home, he's the main guy, lol. 

I feel no guilt taking off and leaving him with both kid's while I have "me time". I don't care how long it takes, and neither does he. 

[bugandbibs]

Jul 6, 2013 12:07:55 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

Is anyone here in a marriage where the dad does the bulk of the childcare when both parents are home?

This is my household. I work during the day and MH works swing. He gets our girls up and ready in the morning and takes care of G all day until I get home. He is fully capable and knows all of their needs/routines.  On his nights off he does all the bedtimes and makes dinner, etc...  He definitely has changed more diapers than me. Saturdays are Daddy/daughter days and he takes J to her guitar and out to lunch and then comes home to put G down for her nap. 

I take care of the running/management of the household. 

[polka]

He rarely does watch them on his own (I sah and he works 12-13 hours, starting at 4am), unless you count when I use the bathroom and the kids are with him haha.

My oldest is extremely attached to me. She will cry the entire time I am at a doctor's appointment, and she's left with H. I don't feel guilty, but I do feel bad and rushed to get home only cause I don't want the kids being upset. H tries to do fun things and distract them, so I feel bad for him too cause he gets his feelings hurt.

[speckledfrog]

Jul 6, 2013 12:24:49 GMT -5 Que? said:

Jul 6, 2013 12:20:40 GMT -5 EmilieMadison said:

But that might be a message you're sending. And why do you feel like you're imposing on him? You're not asking him to do you a favor, you're expecting him to be a parent. 

You are so right, and everything changed in my marriage when I got over my need to control everything and I allowed him to parent without my interference. 

Tamb, you should talk about this with him. I discovered that my H felt pretty insulted that I considered it an imposition to leave him with his kid, and that he didn't understand why I felt so guilty. It really helped to hear him say what an amazing Mom he thinks I am and how he truly believes that I deserve time to myself. 

I just wanted to quote this so you would read it again.  Quesera, as usual, is being very wise.

[cuddlyevil]

I used to but I don't anymore. I need some alone time and DH is capable as well as their father so it is kind of his job.

[Booze Raccoon]

I feel EXACTLY the same way!  Unfortunately I only get to go to weekly dr appts, but I always feel pressure to come right home and not stop at Target or to get a coffee.

I know my H doesn't feel the same. 

[polka]

Jul 6, 2013 12:07:55 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

Is anyone here in a marriage where the dad does the bulk of the childcare when both parents are home?

No. When he is home, it is either shared equally, or I'm doing the majority. He always tries to contribute in some way though and spends time with them every evening once he's home.

It works for us since he loves to clean and does the bulk (okay, almost all, lol) of the housework. So he is washing dishes/dusting/cleaning bathrooms/insert other chore here, while I am watching the kids or cooking. Then we all have family time together.

[BieberMyBalls]

Nope, not at all. The way I see it, I'm always alone with the kids. Currently all week. Even before he started working oot I'd never feel guilty. I didn't make em myself, he's just as much their parent as I am, so he can suck it up lol.

That said, I was felt lije you do when my first was little. I felt guilty when anyone but me had him, even H. Now that we have 2, I practically run out the door yelling, "Don't call me unless one of them is in the hospital, see ya!" Lol.

[Deleted]

Hell no. However, my H works pretty much every evening and weekend during college football season and many weekends are out of town, so I basically am like a single mom for that part of the year. So I have noooo problem leaving DS with DH any time the rest of the year and don't worry at all about when I'll be back.

If you are the one who is with DD most of the time then you should have zero guilt about leaving her with your H and shouldn't worry about hurrying home. You both need to have your time out of the house. I honestly don't think I'd feel guilty and feel the need to hurry home even if DH had a different job.

[redheadk]

It doesn't bother me at all anymore. It did at first, mostly because she wanted to be on the boob all the time and was less than thrilled to be offered a bottle but DH never, ever complains about it. That almost made me feel worse because I knew she had been really difficult. If he called while I was out then I knew it must be really horrible and I would go on home. Now she is used to being away from me for stretches at a time because she goes to Mother's Day out twice a week.

I dunno. DH knows what to do with her. He works a lot but he totally knows what's going on with her, what to feed her, etc., and manages just fine on his own, even if that means she has half of a hamburger bun, toasted, with hummus and a fruit/veggie pouch for breakfast. Weird, yes, but she eats it so whatever. I let him do things his way and he has a ton of confidence with her. He's a great dad.

We do have a fully baby-proofed playroom set up which I think helps a TON. It makes watching her much more fun and less work since we don't have to try to keep her out of things in there.

[Dumbledork]

My dad's a good guy, but I didn't spend a whole lot of one on one time with him growing up and it can be kind of awkward now if it's just the two of us hanging out. My best friend in college had an awesome relationship with her dad and I was always kind of jealous of it. I want DD to have a relationship with DH that doesn't depend on my being there to mediate or something, so I don't really feel bad about leaving the two of them on their own or kicking them out of the house to go do something together.

That said, because he was deployed most of her first year she was nearly one by the time he was first alone with her. I felt bad because I was leaving her in a new place with someone she wasn't very familiar with yet, but the little stinker took her first steps wih him while I was out!

[eb777888]

Jul 6, 2013 12:07:55 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

Is anyone here in a marriage where the dad does the bulk of the childcare when both parents are home?

Yes. H does probably 80% of the work when we're home because I'm doing it while he's at work and I need a break. He likes doing it because he's gone all day and wants to spend time with David. Right now I'm drinking coffee and surfing the internet while they're out washing the car. During the week, other than my making dinner, H does all of the David duties including bedtime, bath time, playing, etc. It's always been that way. I'm pretty sure my IL's have always judged me for this because it APPEARS H does all of the work when we're together, but fuck, I do it all week during the day and H LIKES to do it.

Tamb, you shouldn't feel this way

[stephm0188]

Jul 6, 2013 12:07:55 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

Is anyone here in a marriage where the dad does the bulk of the childcare when both parents are home?

Yes. I SAH. I have a five year old boy. When my husband comes home, the kid chooses him. Male bonding, blah blah blah.

I don't feel bad about leaving. I'm a better mom and wife when I get that time to be alone to do the stuff I want to do. I go away on a long weekend trip once a year without them, and it is GLORIOUS.  If anything, I think the roles are somewhat reversed. I think my husband is the one who is anxious about going out to do things with friends. "Are you mad? Do you care? I can cancel. I'll stay here." Gaaaaah for the love of God, just GO. I want him to go. I don't feel bad about doing what I want, and it irritates me when he's not enjoying himself because he's worried I might be upset about being at home wth the kid. Then it's like "why did you even bother?" because he wasted my time and his.