Kids and Marriage

[speckledfrog]

Jul 6, 2013 17:41:38 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

And lol that Verona is a voice of experience after only having been a parent for about six weeks.

That's unnecessary.  Those first 6 weeks are some of the hardest and what everyone thinks of when people ask you about having a baby.  It's like the bootcamp for parenthood.  Sure, she can't give long term feedback, but those first 6 weeks are nothing to scoff at.

I can read her response and say, "Yep.  She must have an easy going baby, because that's how I felt at the beginning."  There were some hard times those first 4 months but things got very challenging around 14 months.

If you are going to want to rip your partner's head off and light them on fire it's going to be right at the beginning.  Even the terrible stuff seems more bearable once you are through that.

[Deleted]

Jul 6, 2013 15:16:10 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

First, let me say that the first several months went so much better than I could have expected. H let me sleep in every Friday and Saturday for like 4 months. And I pumped and then formula fed after 6 weeks, so I didn't have to get up around the clock to feed her either. We split nights 50/50. Not being sleep deprived helps A TON. So, when you read all those newborn horror stories, know that you do have some control over that.

But it has changed the way H and I relate to each other. We don't take as much time for ourselves, as a couple. I don't really know that our relationship is worse than it was before her, it is just different. I think it will be different too as she gets older and we are (hopefully) able to see each other as something other than co-parents again.

Totally us to. My kids are older then we had a surprise.  So we were just getting to a point where vacations were easier, getting time alone was easier.  I wouldn't change it though and DH and I know that the days when our son or daughter wants us to snuggle with him and watch a movie (he's 8 she's 6 ) are limited.  right now our lives are about the kids.  Their activities their needs etc.  But we make time for us.  its usually 9pm when the house is quiet and its for a short time before the baby needs to eat.  Its more work but seeing my husband as a dad is truly seeing the best parts of him. 

[sewf]

Having DS has made our relationship amazing in some ways. We communicate better (now), and sometimes I catch H just staring at me and when I catch him, he just tells me how awesome I am. I think we are both just in awe of these other sides of ourselves and each other that we never really saw until DS came along.

Communication is really the key. The first month or so was really hard, because I felt like I needed to be supermom and do it all, but really, I was hurting his feelings by not trusting him. True, I have a ton of experience with babies, and H had none. But it's his kid, too, and he wanted bonding time. Part of the problem is that I had been solely responsible for this little kid for nine months, and it was hard to let go of that feeling of having to be everything for him. I didn't have to eat for him and breathe for him anymore.

Also, just knowing each other's expectations way really important. When I was on leave, I expected H to come home after work and give me 10 minutes of baby free time before working out or turning on the TV. I just needed a few minutes to go to the bathroom or get a snack without a screaming baby. Then I would take the baby for a while longer while H did his own thing for a while, whether that was working out or fixing dinner.

And sharing responsiblities was a big factor in us finding our new normal. H cooked (and still does) most of our dinners because he enjoys it, so I watched the baby. I did the laundy, and H watched DS so I could fold it in peace. Communicating about needing a little bit of alone time, even while doing chores, was really helpful.

It's so great seeing them play together. DS laughs so much with him and smiles so big at him.

[pooh8402]

Jul 6, 2013 18:02:40 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

Well, if it's any consolation, I am much less likely to consider divorce now. *-) lol

Wut?

Sent from my SPH-L710 using proboards

[sewf]

Sorry, didn't mean for that to be an essay! Lol

[wrathofkuus]

Rude but true. I think she's even still on maternity leave.

[Deleted]

Our relationship declined in quality for a few years.  It is better now.  We had three children in two years.  Now we have two almost three year-olds and a five year-old and our relationship is pretty good.

So five years and in the clear!

[speckledfrog]

Jul 6, 2013 19:00:33 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

Rude but true. I think she's even still on maternity leave.

[CurlyQ284]

TBH, the hardest time for us was the month after mat leave ended. I did a lot during mat leave because DS was kind of my "job" for the most part. DH was helpful when he was home and things ran smoothly. I was doing all the night feedings because i was nursing and supplementing with formula and did everything during the day since i was home. When I went back to work it became difficult and a little turbulent between DH and I while we readjusted responsibilities.

[Deleted]

Jul 6, 2013 19:25:32 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

Jul 6, 2013 19:02:14 GMT -5 @imback said:

Our relationship declined in quality for a few years.  It is better now.  We had three children in two years.  Now we have two almost three year-olds and a five year-old and our relationship is pretty good.

So five years and in the clear!

I am really glad to hear that things are better between you two.

Thanks, Tamb.

The waters at the imback household are finally calm.  Took too long, lol. 

[poppyseed]

Maternity leave sucks asshole, kuus.

The first 6 weeks are horrible.

So, yeah.

[underwaterrhymes]

H and I have one of the strongest, happiest relationships I can think of. He's my best friend. We didn't plan on having a baby; he was a "not on purpose" baby.

And although we love the shit out of K and think he's just so much fun, we miss each other. We see each other every day, spend time together every day, go to bed next to each other every day. But we miss time alone together. We miss the ease of just being ourselves.

(And we miss easy, carefree, not exhausted sex.)

So that's the hardest part as a couple. When you pair that with sleep deprivation and learning how to be parents, it can be hard sometimes. I'm tired so my sense of humor isn't what it used to be (although it's coming back slowly.) And it feels like there are never enough hours in the day to get everything done, especially since I am working from home, juggling caring for K and trying to be a fabulous spouse.

But I have never been more in love with my H than I am now. He's an amazing husband and a truly incredible dad and I'm so happy we're doing this together, even when we're cleaning baby spit-up out of my hair or jostling K at 3 AM to get him back to sleep.

All that said, I can easily see how relationships that are rocky or not built upon mutual love and respect might wind up a bit worse for wear after having a child. As awesome and beautiful as it is, it's exhausting and scary and definitely not easy.

But I wouldn't change it.

[wrathofkuus]

Yes, booby, her information of how these six weeks have affected her marriage long term are SO much more valuable than what I passed on after asking a couple who have five years of experience. My barren womb renders me totally incapable of passing on information from someone else.

[fryjack2]

Verona is right A lot depends on your relationship now. H and I had a lot of discussions pre-baby about responsibilities and how each of our lives would change with a baby. He does not "babysit" our kids when I am out. He is an active involved parent.

We don't have family nearby, so we outsource a lot. Nanny, grocery delivery, house cleaner, etc.

We ended up with twins (14 months old now) and the first year wasn't easy, but it wasnt as hard as I thought it would be. WE didn't have a real fight until the boys were 6 months old, ha!

We are a bit more snippy, and less patient with each other, but we are a good team and co=parent well. We give each other time away from the kids alone and time with each other often. We cut each other a lot of slack too.

Sometimes I do think of the life we had as DINKS, but one day this baby stage will be over and we will have a less chaotic life again

[Deleted]

Jul 6, 2013 19:52:23 GMT -5 wrathofkuus said:

Yes, booby, her information of how these six weeks have affected her marriage long term are SO much more valuable than what I passed on after asking a couple who have five years of experience. My barren womb renders me totally incapable of passing on information from someone else.

why is second hand information from someone else, no matter how experienced, somehow greater than someone's personal experience?  how about you just simmer the hell down and let people answer the question as they see fit--you know, just like you did?  it's not like anyone here thinks verona has a teenager.

[Deleted]

Jul 6, 2013 20:07:07 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

Oh, you guuuysss!

i just get riled up at the notion that NO ONE ELSE is capable of rational assessment of a post based upon the known perspective of the poster.  i mean, der.

[Deleted]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences, I feel better and should have asked here in the first place.