I am delurking for a bit to ask a question. I have heard many times that having a kid changes your relationship with your spouse. Is this true? How so? I tried googling it and all I find are doom-and-gloom stories.
I would love to hear everyone's opinions, stories and advice. Thank you.
Post by gretchenindisguise on Jul 6, 2013 15:12:51 GMT -5
I mean, I guess having a 3rd person in the house changed our marriage. But it hasn't been bad. I know a lot of couples who had a rough time (some ladies here have been open about it), but ours never really suffered. Change =/= bad every time.
Post by speckledfrog on Jul 6, 2013 15:17:52 GMT -5
I think that if you have a rocky relationship it will intensify the issues. It's kind of like starting a new relationship, trying to figure out how to balance things all over again.
It was difficult in the beginning but DS is a little more self sufficient now and DH has stepped up a lot. I love when DS falls asleep with DH and then he falls asleep and they're laying together all snuggly. Love love love.
Well, let's start with the fact that adding a baby to your life is really going to change your life. In many, many ways. And yes, to a degree, that's probably going to mean your marriage too. But it isn't necessarily a negative/ bad thing.
I'll say that the infant stage was truly the hardest. Exhaustion, both of us trying to figure out this new "thing" in our lives, etc. It was hard.
But past that - things that go through my head about this.... I think how ready you BOTH are to be parents plays a role in this, I think being on the same page as far as expectations plays a role, I think your overall parenting philosophies (and if they are the same or not) plays a role, I think remembering to take a step back and focus on each other matters too. (I"ve seen many people lose themselves to parenthood).
Plus, the child itself can play a role. Easy baby vs a hard baby. If you have a child w/ special needs.
Etc. Having kids is a HUGE change in your life, and it's kind of a huge crapshoot too!
But I also believe that the more prepared you are and the more aware that it could have a negative effect - actually means that you'll bem ore likely to deal w/ the issues that could take you down a bad path earlier, and you may avoid problems.
It's sad, though, that all you're hearing and reading is "doom and gloom". It's so NOT that. At least not my experience!! It's hard - no doubt. But go into it w/ eyes open and the better you'll be for it.
We get a bit more snappish at times but we're also quicker to say "sorry, I'm tired and feeling grumpy"
I also think it has brought us closer and it's only 8 weeks but seeing my husband with our daughter has given me a new perspective and appreciation for him. Our definition of quality time has changed and there's less but we expected that. We wouldn't go back to just us even though we're tired.
I think key is for both of you to be honest and say "I need a break for 15 minutes" or 'I'm struggling and don't know what to do'. It makes a difference for us.
The newborn phase was rough. I was BFing and DD was eating every 2-2.5 hrs during the day and every 3-4 at night. She also hated not being held so she was constantly attached to one of us.
After the first few months things settled down she spaced her feedings out started tolerating bounces seat/play mat, we were able to start doing a monthly date night and get back to regular sex, and settle in to the new normal. The tricky part is balancing is time, me time, and family time. But it's been a good different for the most part for us.
This is one of the scariest parts of considering TTC, for me. H seems so confident that we will be fine, but I've heard so many stories and seen so many people end up divorced who say they think having kids was part of what lead to divorcing.
Post by Booze Raccoon on Jul 6, 2013 15:48:55 GMT -5
I think the biggest change is that you just don't have the same amount of time to devote to each other and your marriage. All of your energy goes to the child/children and after that, you're just too damn tired for anything else.
I am a SAHM and for me, after a full day of entertaining a 3 year old, picking up toys, cooking, picking up toys, cleaning and picking up more toys, I just want some time to myself. When my H comes poking around I just want him to leave me alone. It's difficult for me to give up what little "me time" I have.
This is one of the scariest parts of considering TTC, for me. H seems so confident that we will be fine, but I've heard so many stories and seen so many people end up divorced who say they think having kids was part of what lead to divorcing.
This was us before. Exactly. I think talking about it before and being aware has helped this not happen so far. I think it's less having the kid and more people stop communicating. And feel they're struggling alone. Keep talking and it will work out. Really.
Post by EmilieMadison on Jul 6, 2013 15:54:25 GMT -5
Well, yeah. Obviously adding a completely dependent, expensive, emotionally draining while simultaneously exhilarating, extra person to your relationship will change it. It adds an entirely different facet to a marriage/relationship. It can add stress you never imagined. It can enhance it in ways you never thought possible. It can cement the bond you have with your spouse or it can drive you apart. The things you love and admire about your spouse will be intensified, and the things you dont like will be magnified. No one can say "Having a kid will be awesome for your marriage," or "Having a kid will throw your marriage into a downward spiral." It's different for everyone and the foundation of your marriage will be a huge factor in what happens when you add a child.
I'll be honest: the first year of having a kid is hard on our marriage. So hard, that it is a major reason we are stopping at two. After the first year, when they aren't attached to my boob 24/7, and are sleeping better, we go away for a week without kids to reconnect, and then we are good. Better, even, than before. Better as a team, better individual spouses and parents, better at being patient and communication, etc.
Everyone handles it differently. it is definitely filled with joy and wonderful moments (because it is completely amazing to watch this life you created grow and thrive, and that first time hey smile at you...heart melt!). but the infant year, in terms of our *marriage* is rough.
First, let me say that the first several months went so much better than I could have expected. H let me sleep in every Friday and Saturday for like 4 months. And I pumped and then formula fed after 6 weeks, so I didn't have to get up around the clock to feed her either. We split nights 50/50. Not being sleep deprived helps A TON. So, when you read all those newborn horror stories, know that you do have some control over that.
But it has changed the way H and I relate to each other. We don't take as much time for ourselves, as a couple. I don't really know that our relationship is worse than it was before her, it is just different. I think it will be different too as she gets older and we are (hopefully) able to see each other as something other than co-parents again.
I will say the best advice my mother ever gave me after we had our eldest was to make sure we still made time for ourselves and for one another. We have a date night at least once a month and each week we both take time to go to the gym and do other things just for ourselves. I think having kids brought us closer together. We were fairly strong before we had our first son but we are even better now. My husband is an unbelievable father and even I ccouldn't have guessed how naturally great at it he would be. Don't get me wrong - it is stressful - we had 3 within 3 1/2 years and both have careers but we make it work and I wouldn't change it for the world.
It is hard to adjust, but once you do that it is actually a ton of fun. We have so much fun with the boys and they have added a level of satisfaction to our marriage.
This is one of the scariest parts of considering TTC, for me. H seems so confident that we will be fine, but I've heard so many stories and seen so many people end up divorced who say they think having kids was part of what lead to divorcing.
This is me/us too. I don't think DH has the foggiest idea what it will be like. I don't think he'd be so confident if he did.
Also, my mom was telling me a year or so ago about how she thinks a lot of divorces actually are because of the kids, even though parents deny it because they don't want the kids to feel responsible for it. I don't know if she's right, but I suppose that probably says something about her own divorce at the very least (before she married my dad).
Post by juliagoulia on Jul 6, 2013 17:06:38 GMT -5
I've heard people say kids can make a good relationship better and a bad one worse. I can sort of believe it. The first couple months is a big adjustment and I've seen some friends really struggle but the biggest issues seem to happen when the people have different expectations. I'm not at all saying H and I have it all figured out or anything because we have had our share of frustration but he and I were on the same page with a lot of things which really helped when we were both tired and tense. Obviously it's not all bad 100% of the time. In many ways it has made us stronger and more appreciative of one another. It's something special to see your partner love your child. As corny as that sounds.
We put ourselves as a couple and as individuals on hold in the first year and that sent both of us for a loop. We had to figure out who we were as parents and see how that redefined who we were as a couple and as individuals. We found our groove in that, but it took some work. And we're better people for it
I agree that it will magnify any flaws in your relationship. For us- I wouldn't say it was a flaw, per se, but pre- kids we lived fairly independent lives. We were free to work late, go out with friends after work, enjoy our own hobbies, without having to coordinate with each other. We also made roughly equal salaries, had low household expenses, and maintained our own checking accounts (though we had joint savings).
Having kids required that we learn to work together and coordinate decisions way more than we did in the first 5 years of our marriage. It was a lot of change at once- not just adjusting to kids, but also to me working part time, which necessitated changes to the way we handled finances. Having to coordinate who would be home with the kids every time we made an appointment for a hair cut or a doctors visit, instead of just saying "hey, I'll be home late tomorrow."
Honestly, i never felt that we had a bad relationship pre-kids, but much of our dynamic was difficult to maintain post-kids. We are still learning as we go, and it has gotten somewhat easier. We definitely have a very different, though not worse, relationship.
Having our twins was really hard on our marriage. We were both exhausted all the time, both full time students and working. It felt like a chaotic mess. We had a really solid relationship and never really fought until we had kids. It for sure changes things, I think it's good to go in with that awareness and be proactive in trying to prevent negative fallout.
I don't think kids, on their own, can ruin a marriage. I think kids, and especially babies can really excerberate problems in a marriage.
Kids are expensive. Obviously. If you start to feel stretched thin, your marriage can suffer.
Communication is a little harder when your days are filled with kid talk, both talking about the kids and to the kid. Nights are more important but so is sleep.
It is really easy to "lose yourself" to the role of mother. This is particularly true for stay-at-home parents. You eat sleep and play as a parent thst sometimes being "you" seems like to much work. Let alone being a part if acoue.
All these problems can happen in a marriage without kids, parents don't own these problems. It just seems kids are a huge catalyst.
All that said, kids can enrich your life and your life with your partner. It has outs when I get enough sleep!
I'll throw in a side issue too. Having DS made my relationship with SDs better by a TON. They are only here in summer (long distance), its just us all year and then BAM parents for the summer. I'm so much more patient with them now that I have one all the time. Its been great so far.
Post by wrathofkuus on Jul 6, 2013 17:40:10 GMT -5
I only know one couple with kids well enough to ask them about it, and they haven't recommended it. Their marriage isn't on the rocks or anything, though, but they irritate each other more than they used to, and even more so, their ILs irritate them way more than they used to.
This is one of the scariest parts of considering TTC, for me. H seems so confident that we will be fine, but I've heard so many stories and seen so many people end up divorced who say they think having kids was part of what lead to divorcing.
^^^ this exactly.
My H thinks everything will be fine and thinks I am crazy for obsessively googling about parenthood.
Our dog has sorta become a trial kid, and my husband says I coddle our dog too much and I think he doesn't pet or cuddle him enough. So I am not even sure if we have the same parenting philosophy although we have same goals and values.