Fertility issues... Advice

[fivechickens]

Just keep listening. IF can be a lonely place and I liked when the friends I confided in just listened.

[nomad100]

c

Jul 7, 2013 17:16:23 GMT -5 bricco said:

I don't have experience with this, but I would just offer to be a listening ear, but don't necessarily bring it up unless she does. Maybe give her a "just because" or "thinking of you" card or gift so she knows you care.

All of this.  As someone struggling with IF, just knowing that a friend would listen if or when I wanted to talk is huge. 

And if she wants to talk, just listen and cry with her and hug her if that is what she needs.

ETA:  I get weepy when I talk about IF which is why I don't talk about it much.  But I know that when I have talked about it with my BFF, we both have had a good cry and lots of hugs and then try to find something else to do/talk about. 

[ooglie26]

Listen to her, take her lead. Be a shoulder or sounding board for her, or someone to confide in. H and I are struggling with IF, and a lot of my friends have distanced themselves from me, as they all start and expand their families. That 'distance' after 10+ years of friendship is more painful for me than the IF struggles.

On the other side of things, if she needs space to talk or sort things out, let her have that space, but make sure she knows you are and will be there when she needs to talk/vent/share. Sadly, I haven't gotten much support from my friends over the last few years, which would mean so much.

[rugbywife]

I would say to be prepared for her to have opinion swings. There are days where I am super positive and believe it will happen, there are days where I am convinced it will never happen but that it is still worth trying, and most recently I have started questioning if any of the interventions are worth it at all, considering the financial cost, emotional cost and no guarantee of it even working.

The meds make it hard to rationalize things sometime too. So expect swings in perspective, mine changes daily.

[sarahswim]

As we struggled, all I wanted was for someone to listen and NOT say,"This will be fine" or "Of course this will happen for you"...because the reality was, it might not have. We were lucky-I did get pregnant, but there was a very strong possibility that IVF wouldn't work. I guess I'm more of a realist, and I didn't want people giving me false hope. What I really needed was a shoulder to cry on, a friend to drown sorrows with, or just someone to listen while I ranted about how unfair it was.

[lola]

The most annoying thing, WITHOUT A DOUBT, is when people try to convince me that I'm going to get pregnant. "Oh it will work out!" "I really do believe you'll get pregnant!" "The power of positive thinking!" LOFUCKINGL.

And, for productive advice listen to rugbywife! lol.

[rex]

Like others have said, listening is the best thing you can do. She might talk about it a lot or not at all and it can change.

Also like PP said, she will go through a lot of emotions. There were days I decided maybe I didn't even want kids and other days it was soul crushing that I was struggling to have one. She doesn't need advice or opinions, just a listening ear as she works through it all.

[lola]

This post is making me all weepy! lol.

[rugbywife]

Obviously the common phrases need to be avoided:

"I know someone who gave up and then just got pregnant" - great, someone else for me to envy

"If you just relax it will happen" - I was relaxed the first 12 months we tried, but thanks

"You have tons of time, don't worry" - you don't know how long I have, you don't understand that if it takes me 2 years to get pregnant with #1 it could take me just as long for #2, which would put me at 39, which is scary for me because my mom died at 55, but yeah, tons of time, thanks, I love spending my time feeling like a failure, it's so much fun I should just keep doing it.

"It will happen if it is meant to be" - oh, good to know. So if I can't have kids I didn't deserve them? Good to know.

"Just think positively" - right, all this time I have been believing I can't get pregnant, that's why we are still trying

But I presumed you knew not to say any of those things.

[ooglie26]

Jul 7, 2013 17:51:32 GMT -5 rugbywife said:

Obviously the common phrases need to be avoided:

"I know someone who gave up and then just got pregnant" - great, someone else for me to envy

"If you just relax it will happen" - I was relaxed the first 12 months we tried, but thanks

"You have tons of time, don't worry" - you don't know how long I have, you don't understand that if it takes me 2 years to get pregnant with #1 it could take me just as long for #2, which would put me at 39, which is scary for me because my mom died at 55, but yeah, tons of time, thanks, I love spending my time feeling like a failure, it's so much fun I should just keep doing it.

"It will happen if it is meant to be" - oh, good to know. So if I can't have kids I didn't deserve them? Good to know.

"Just think positively" - right, all this time I have been believing I can't get pregnant, that's why we are still trying

But I presumed you knew not to say any of those things.

Hearing these things is so maddening to me....

[lola]

rugbywife, will you be my sister wife? Because it's like we're soul-mates or something here!

[mae141]

Pretty much what everyone else has said. Also don't say: "well you could just adopt"

You really just need to be a listening ear. Like others have said, it drives me nuts when people try to get me to be positive about it. The reality is, there might not be a positive outcome. Just let me be sad and don't make me think it's wrong to worry.

It sounds like you are a very good friend and she is lucky to have you.

[Deleted]

For me, I appreciate having the friend who just listens.  Having someone there to hold my hand, or sit with me, maybe offer a hug, or listen to me kvetch or cry or even just scream sometimes - those are all right things.

It might not feel like much to you, as the comforter, but believe me your support means more than any "right" words might.

I have the "don't worry, you'll have a baby" friend and I find myself talking to her less and less.  Not for any other reason than I feel dismissed.  Maybe she's uncomfortable because she doesn't know the right thing to say, but it's disingenuous to say things like "I just know it's going to work out" - actually, it might not, and sometimes I need to talk about that reality.

You're doing a great thing for her, just by offering your ear or shoulder.

[rugbywife]

Oh, when we miscarried after 13 months of trying (8w4d) that was THE FIRST THING everyone said. It was mostly horrible because a) we have no idea why/how we got pregnant since we haven't been able to since and b) because now if we even do manage to get pregnant again I will live in fear of miscarriage. Awesome.

But the reality is that I know that people mean well, they want to say something reassuring. They don't mean to be trite. They want to be kind and understanding but they don't get that there is something wrong with me, it isn't that we aren't trying hard enough, or thinking positively enough or aren't relaxed enough. There is something medically wrong with me that is making this really difficult. Getting wasted and just doing it without worrying about getting pregnant wont work for us like it does for 16 year olds on teen mom.

[rugbywife]

Jul 7, 2013 18:00:02 GMT -5 lola said:

rugbywife, will you be my sister wife? Because it's like we're soul-mates or something here!

Of course I will be your sister wife!!!