Talk to me about cutting parents out of your life

[Sloane]

What prompted it? Did you tell them they were no longer welcome in your life and why? Do you regret it?

[Deleted]

Jul 9, 2013 7:48:38 GMT -5 AutumnRose25 said:

I also have to remind myself when I feel sad that I'm really mourning a relationship that never actually existed, one that I wanted but wasn't going to ever happen or be healthy.

I would imagine this is the hardest part. I'm so sorry for your situation but how wonderful your H and his family are for supporting your decision. Hugs.

[lola]

My mom cut my grandparents out of her life (and our lives) when I was 10, so my mom was about 30. Both of her parents are (functioning) alcoholics who refused to see that there was a problem. They were a constant drain on her time and emotions for years and years, and it got to the point where she just honestly couldn't deal with them anymore.

My grandmother called, and was just screaming at her - as my grandmother was prone to do - and was about to hang up. I remember my mom saying very clearly, "If you hang up on me, it's over. It will be the end of the relationship." My grandmother hung up, and they haven't (really) spoken since.

For my mom, she says there was a period of time when she mourned for her parents, almost as if they had died. They're both still alive, though old and ailing. She says when the day comes that they pass, she doesn't think she'll grieve for their passing and she won't attend a funeral because it would be insincere and almost even hurtful to her siblings.

The hardest part, for her, is that when she cut them out all four of her brothers (she has no sisters) eventually sided with the parents. She kept in touch with one for a few years after she cut her parents out, but it's been more than twenty years now and she doesn't talk to any of them. She's sad about that at times, which I get because I cannot imagine losing my sisters. (At the same time, I can't imagine the position you must be in when you're preparing to cut your parents out, so I absolutely don't blame her at all.)

If you're considering doing this, I know you must have good reasons. Nobody takes this move without careful consideration. I wish you the best in making your decision. ((hugs))


ETA - No, she absolutely does not regret it. She feels it was one of the strongest, most mature decisions she has made and she says that she did it for her sanity and for her family. She was spending so much time bending to their needs that she was losing the ability to care for her spouse/kids the way she wanted too.

[marriedin05]

I stopped talking to my mom in 2005. She chose to be with someone who was crazy, did horrible things to my little brother and sister, and she just accepted it as ok. It was always all of our faults and never theirs. It was a few years of on going drama that wore me down. Best decision I have ever made. Sometimes it is hard, bdays and mother's day, but the constant stress was making me sick and crazy. It is a hard decision but the few times I feel sad are way better than the daily worrying and constant abuse we were taking.

[winnied]

For a short period of time, I completely cut out my parents. My mother had been emotionally, verbally, and mentally abusive for years and I was just done. I blocked her from all forms of communications, except for H's cell phone. Our last conversation ended where I informed her that it was therapy or nothing at all. She finally chose therapy and things have been much, much better for over two years now.

So, that's a temporary situation for a woman who wasn't always abusive, just had been for a few years. I have no idea what made her that way, nor do I really care, TBH, but things are back to the way they were when I was much younger. Truthfully, my mom had been really sick mentally and physically for about 10 years and it just took a toll on everyone.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope you can resolve it, if that's of interest to you, but I think sometimes you just have to cut people out completely so you can be a happy, healthy person. *hugs*

[alare]

My adoptive mom was physically and emotionally abusive. My sister and I were beaten and screamed at for no reason multiple times a day. Told we were stupid, ugly, worthless, lazy, unlovable. She played some pretty shitty psychological games, too. At 18, after 14 years of a truly hellish existence, I left for college. For that first semester I convinced myself that (1) I made most of it up (2) if it did happen, it really couldn't have been that bad and I probably deserved it and (3) surely my mom loved me!. Went home for Christmas. Didn't take long for her to start up again. She told me to pick something up because, "That's all you'll ever be good for--picking up trash." Just that one statement brought everything back. I looked at her, grinned like a fool and said, "That's my Ma!". Grabbed my stuff and never went back. Not even for the funeral. No regrets. Just relief that she died while I was relatively young--that's pretty horrible of me, I know. Sometimes I wish that I could have been better and different, so that maybe she would have loved me. But the truth is that she was selfish and cruel. She could not love anyone close-up. She only loved the idea of being a mom, of having people say what a great person she was for "saving us". That wasn't something that could change with time. It was just her personality and life has been infinitely better without her in it.

I did write her a letter outlining my feelings. Got a response back that started with, "I read your letter. Had a good laugh . . ."

[CurlyQ284]

My dad and I have never gotten along, he is a crazy asshole and was an alcoholic for about the last 10 years or so.  I was in therapy for a while but the therapist finally said "it's not you, it's him".  I slowly started emotionally detaching from my dad.  In 2010 after Thanksgiving he got drunk, got in a fight with my mom over bro and I not listening to him, brandished a gun and threatened to kill himself and then drove away drunk.  We tracked him through the bank account and he drove 8 hours away to the beach.  Returned 1-2 days later, no apology, no explanation.  We had already bought him an expensive Blu-Ray player and when I tried to give it to him, he threw a screaming temper tantrum that the one he just bought himself was better than the one we bought.  That was it.  

Unfortunately, my parents are still married so I have a semi-detachment.  I do not speak with or see my dad alone, when I do see him it's because he is in the vicinity because I'm visiting my mom.  When he had liver failure, I was visiting him in the hospital because I thought it was the end.  I drove him to get his transplant in October.  He is still a douchebag even though he has a second chance at life so we are back to the old schedule where I see him by accident and on holidays.  I didn't tell him anything, I didn't give an explanation.  My dad is very self centered and thinks he doesn't do anything wrong.  He would NEVER see that he caused this, it would be all my fault in his eyes.  There's no point in addressing it with him.

My son was born in November, he's held him for less than 5 minutes since then.

[sineadorebellion]

Not me, but my husband has cut ties.
He hasn't spoken to his father in 6 years after a culmination of events that basically ended with "well I don't even know if you're really my son anyways." After that, H decided it wasn't worth working so hard to maintain an obvious one-sided relationship.
With his mother and sister, it basically just got to the point where they weren't adding anything positive to his/our lives. They would call and guilt trip him, never come visit our kids, or really show any interest in our lives. He just decided he needed some space from them. That was a year ago. He's received some passive aggressive texts and emails but he doesn't engage.
This is the short version of things. It sucks obviously, wishing you had that normal happy family relationships (holidays are especially rough). But you know, our family's happiness (me, H, our kids, that's it) is what's most important.

[penelope]

I cut my father out of my life when I was 17. I was an ass, 'in love' with a total loser, and while everything my dad said was pretty much right, I was very bullheaded, just like him. He was an alcoholic, and while he went to treatment when I was 15, I don't think i had dealt with a lot of it. That made the whole situation worse I am sure. We didn't speak for two years. Then one day I went to work, and my boss took me aside to tell me that my father had a heart attack and the meds caused a brain bleed. He was in a coma and wasn't expected to make it, and I should get to the hospital ASAP. I don't ever want anyone to be sitting on the other side of a hospital bed knowing that the last words they spoke to someone were hateful, unless they are 100% sure they can handle that at the end. I know I didn't think about that 'someday they will be gone' part of things. Until I stared it in the face.

Obviously some people are just bad for us, suck all the energy out, and better off being cut out. I think it's a huge decision though, and you better think it through, straight to the end, before you do it.

[Sloane]

Thanks everyone, it's actually my DH's parents, and so the choice is up to him, but it's been a long time coming and while we haven't suffered the extent of some of the abuse you have been through, there's definitely a portion where the stress and anxiety of dealing with them day to day is affecting our lives, our parenting and I envision it affecting my children as we go forward and that's the main reason we're both debating drawing the line. This has been years in the making but recent discussions have been due a recent confrontation so we want to be sure we're not making a rash decision or an emotionally charged one.

[sergey]

I try to stick by the motto that just because you're related doesn't mean you have to like, or even love, that person. I haven't cut off either of my parents fully but we don't talk or see each other often. If I don't reach out to my dad when I'm in town where he lives, which is maybe once a year, we'd have no relationship at all instead of the one dinner together a year situation we have going on now.

[Deleted]

Heh, mine was very emotionally charged after avoiding issues for years. I wrote a really nasty letter that was written with the intent to not send but it triggered such feelings in me that I just said 'fuck it' and sent it. My parents refuse to change or really address the issues so there is no where to go, no point in having a relationship.

I too, mourn the 'loss of parents' and it stings when someone has a good relationship with their parents. I know rationally it is not a reflection on me, but sometimes it feels like it.

I will say I am much healthier without them. And happier. I didn't realize how unhappy I was and how much I dreaded talking to them until I didn't have to do it anymore!

[Deleted]

It does take a lot of soul searching, but it gets to a point where enough is enough.

My mother had never really been "right" after I was born, so I am told. I never really knew she was abusing me until I was much older, but she used to scream at me, lock me out of the house, just... would leave and not come back for a day or two, was/is a severe alcoholic, wouldn't let me visit any friends or cousins, just really mean spirited. I think it finally clicked something was wrong when I realized that other people didn't treat their kids the way my mom treated me and that "I love you" from her made my skin crawl. I honestly thought something was wrong with me, not her, for a very, very long time. When my sister was born, I really noticed how differently I was treated, but I was happy because that meant my little sister was loved and would "be safe."

I was around 15 when I left home. It took me that long only because I knew I would be forced back if I had gone any sooner and I needed to know my little sister would be alright and her biodad, my stepdad, would look out for her. My mother and I have a relationship, sort of. She won't let me see my sister unless she is there to "make sure everything is alright" so I do try to talk to her a few times a year, at most. I honestly believe she thinks I'm going to turn B against her.

I know for me, I wanted to have that mom figure, but it also has given me the perspective that just because you give birth to a child, doesn't mean you are their mom. It is the woman/women who look out for you, teach you about life, encourage you to be the best you can, and love you for who you are that makes them your mom.

[deanlicker78]

I haven't spoken to either of my parents in about a year and a half. Both of my parents are horrible people and my siblings and I went through a pretty crappy childhood. My older brother and sister also cut ties. My younger brother still talks to them but his wife hates them and refuses to spend much time with them, which in turn limits my brother's time with them.

My siblings and I now have a much better relationship now that my mother isn't in the middle doing her best to keep us all fighting. We get together a lot more often, we have holidays together now, it's nice.

[margarita]

I cut my parents off about two years ago. There was a lot that led to the decision, and it wasn't easy. They are addicts, and emotionally abusive. I also suspect that there's mental illness involved.

Every time we had plans to see them, I would get extremely anxious. I was always walking on eggshells and wasn't myself. When I began to see that they were starting to treat my H the same way, that prompted a conversation with them where I drew a line and said this was just not okay anymore.

They contact us every few months pressuring us to go back to the status quo and just start seeing them again. I told them I would go to therapy with them, but they basically said that they didn't need any help. I was the one who had caused pain and had to change.

I wouldn't say I regret my decision. I am sad that in the process I've lost touch with some other family members who have taken their side, but I can't make decisions based on what other people think is right for us. I had to do what was best for H and I.

[WOT?*]

I didn't cut my mom out but we don't really talk. She married my step-dad who was abusive to me and she joined in with the abuse rather than protected me. She was abusive before he came into the picture but it veered toward me at that point. The clincher was when he beat me to the ground for dropping a soda bottle in the garage (from the garage to my bedroom at the other end of the house, whipping and hitting me all the way, into the room and until I fell in my bed across the room.) My mom came in with a belt and spanked me with a belt 17 times, counting each time, and said "that's for every year you've ever been a bother to me." I was 16 at the time. I pulled away and gave up wanting acceptance at that point. I was the one who got abused because my middle sister was "the worker" and the youngest was protected as "the baby" and "the princess." I don't hate my mom, and we speak a few times a year, but, as I do with most of the rest of my family, I do my own thing and ignore them as they ignore (and ignored) me. I love her because she's my mom, and I feel sorry for her because her life didn't turn out all that well, but I don't care enough to keep her or my sisters close or to really try to maintain a relationship. I gave up on that years ago. My DH refuses to acknowledge them for the most part because he doesn't like how I'm treated, or not treated, by them.

I think your reasons are quite a bit different than a lot of ours. It looks like most of us cut our families out because of how we were treated and how toxic it was making our lives. Your ILs are affecting your kids' lives, and you'll do what you need to do to protect them. Your DH doesn't have to cut himself completely out of their lives, but cutting the kids out (especially the steps) will protect the kids; your DH is able to protect himself as an adult. He'll have to be prepared though to understand that she will cut herself off from him to "teach him a lesson" and to get her way if he separates her from SS and SD. She's not above that type of manipulation. *That* is where your DH has to be prepared to cut her off from your lives. You're doing it not to protect yourself, and not for DH to protect himself, but for the two of you to protect your family unit as a whole. That, I think, is the difference you need to think about. It's not a choice to protect one person from further harm but but a *family* matter to protect the group, or individuals in the group, that aren't capable of protecting themselves (the kids) or are being harmed (the kids *and* the steps). You have my sympathy, especially if his relationship with his parents was otherwise not problematic and this is what it has come to.

[macnchs]

I'm just a lurker, but thank you for this post. It has helped me realize that I cut both my parents for good reason. My "dad" is an alcoholic who basically abandoned not only me, but my much younger brother and sister. As for my "mom" she lies about anything and everything you can possibly think of and the only time anyone hears from her is she needs money or to cry about how horrible her life is. She has a mind set that everyone is against her.
In Sept 2010, after not seeing myself or my kids in close to 7 years(my kids were nearly adults by this time) she said all of about 5 words to my son and nothing to my 3 girls, not one word. And she didn't speak to me either. Then in March of this year when my grandmother(who was, by all account my mom) passed away, she didn't say a word to me or my kids. My youngest daughter went to her and got brushed off. But, it hasn't stopped my mom from contacting my husband, which I'm livid over. (He also went to her at the funeral). After the funeral, my girls said they overheard her BF make a comment about "I know who's kids are who's, all I have to do is look at the ass" I was done for good then. I'm sorry but he should not be looking at my kids' asses or anyone else's for that matter. She is very self-centered and cares about nobody except herself and the person she's dating at the time. UGH, that feels so good to say to someone other than my husband!