S/o TOTS friend

[vanillacourage]

My MIL is overweight. She's mainly very, very pear-shaped so its a lot of stress on her knees/ankles on top of the general issues caused by being heavier. I love her dearly and have never thought about things from that list, like when we go out to eat together maybe I should preemptively ask for a table instead of a booth? I would also love to do anything I can to encourage her wellness, without overstepping. For example, she lost weight several years ago by getting in the habit of walking after dinner, so sometimes I take the kids over there and walk the neighborhood with her.

If you have people you love that are struggling in this way, what have you done to help them, or make their lives easier in some way?

[speckledfrog]

I don't think you can, unless she's at that point herself. My mom is morbidly obese. There are a lot of demons she needs to deal with in order to set herself on a healthy path. When she brings up things now and then I am encouraging. I don't push her and I don't bring them up on my own. I never make comments about her weight or related issues.

My mom needs a table so when we go out I always ask for one for her* but I only started doing that after I noticed that she always asked for one.

*ETA:  I mean that I ask for one so that she doesn't have to.

[thinkofthesoldiers]

That is nice you take the kids over to walk with her.

With this friend, if we go out to eat I will often try to get their first and ask for a table. I love salads, so I usually order one, but maybe next time I'll get something a little less healthy so she feels more comfortable. I'm willing to take one for the team. lol

[ElizabethBennet]

OMG. Just treat them like a normal person. Obesity isn't something you can "fix" for other people.

[hellfreezesovertour]

This is (was?) me. I was super obese. At my highest,On May 14th, I was 325 lbs and I used to have trouble in booths. BUT, it would be WAY more embarrassing if someone asked me what I needed. I would be sly and preemptively ask for a table. I was on a flight in March and I had to sneak and ask the flight attendant for a seat belt extender and try and hope my husband didn't see. (Ironically, I was in first class and the seat belts were smaller in first than in coach. weird)

Anyway, it's so hard and embarrassing. People are so unkind. I think the best thing to do is to treat a super obese person like everyone else and follow their lead. It's so painful I can't even begin to tell you

xoxo
HFOT
current weight 274

[vanillacourage]

Jul 9, 2013 21:15:01 GMT -5 ElizabethBennet said:

OMG. Just treat them like a normal person. Obesity isn't something you can "fix" for other people.

I do treat her like a normal person. Which is why I'm asking if small things like me asking for a table vs a booth would make her life easier.

[Deleted]

My lovely aunt is over weight. I honestly never thought any thing of it until I got older. My mom is also over weight and I see it affect her life more than it affects my aunt's life. To be honest, I love my aunt to death and she is so much more than just her weight. I earnestly believe she is beautiful both inside and out. I tell her this whenever she seems down regardless of the reason, and both my gma and myself support her in endeavors. Her weight is due in large part to the steroids she has to take for her asthma and psychological trauma.

I try to make sure she gets help when she needs it, such as going up and down stairs.

[ElizabethBennet]

Jul 9, 2013 21:20:08 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

Jul 9, 2013 21:15:01 GMT -5 ElizabethBennet said:

OMG. Just treat them like a normal person. Obesity isn't something you can "fix" for other people.

I do treat her like a normal person. Which is why I'm asking if small things like me asking for a table vs a booth would make her life easier.

I'm not saying your intentions aren't good, really. But being overweight/obese comes with so much shame and embarrassment. People with weight issues already feel like everyone is looking at them or that they're going to be treated differently. I get that you want to make life easier for her but those things will be noticeable to her and I can almost guarantee that she'll want to die of embarrassment.

And for the love of all that is holy don't order something "healthy" because you think it will make it easier on someone, because all they'll get in their head is the food they want is "bad" and that they're a failure at doing what they think they should be doing. Especially if you yourself don't struggle with weight. 

[Deleted]

If friends of mine make note in any way of my weight struggle, I basically cut them off. So, I would want you to ignore it. It's not your battle. (I mean, support if asked for, but don't preemptively try and get me to walk more or eat healthier or whatever).

[Kore]

Most of us can still fit in booths. I don't think you need to say anything when it comes to asking for one over the other. If the host asks for a preference, I always ask my dining partner if they have a preference, fat or thin.

[thinkofthesoldiers]

Jul 9, 2013 21:24:59 GMT -5 ElizabethBennet said:

Jul 9, 2013 21:20:08 GMT -5 vanillacourage said:

I do treat her like a normal person. Which is why I'm asking if small things like me asking for a table vs a booth would make her life easier.

I'm not saying your intentions aren't good, really. But being overweight/obese comes with so much shame and embarrassment. People with weight issues already feel like everyone is looking at them or that they're going to be treated differently. I get that you want to make life easier for her but those things will be noticeable to her and I can almost guarantee that she'll want to die of embarrassment.

And for the love of all that is holy don't order something "healthy" because you think it will make it easier on someone, because all they'll get in their head is the food they want is "bad" and that they're a failure at doing what they think they should be doing. Especially if you yourself don't struggle with weight. 

I think you misread what I typed. I usually order a salad (and also struggle with my weight, just an fyi) because I love them. However, if she feels like she can't have something else because I'm eating a salad, I will "take one for the team" next time and order pasta or a burger or whatever in an effort to make her more comfortable. obviously I won't say anything, but maybe it might encourage her to be comfortable around me. And really "take one for the team" was said TIC.

[RoxMonster]

Speaking as someone who has been there, do nothing.

Honestly, you are coming from a very kind place, but the last thing I wanted to hear when I was obese was someone telling me I should start working out or asking to sit in a table because I was too fat for a booth.

I think going on walks is fine if you sell it as, "The kids love taking walks with grandma!" Do not tie it into her health.

When people, like my mom, tried to get me eating better and working out, it made me want to do it less. I had to do it in my own time when I was ready. Pointing it out made me feel about two inches tall and made me feel a thousand times worse than I already felt. Be supportive if she starts a weight loss or workout program on her own, but please don't bring it up to her. She knows she's obese.

[ElizabethBennet]

Jul 9, 2013 21:27:59 GMT -5 thinkofthesoldiers said:

Jul 9, 2013 21:24:59 GMT -5 ElizabethBennet said:

I'm not saying your intentions aren't good, really. But being overweight/obese comes with so much shame and embarrassment. People with weight issues already feel like everyone is looking at them or that they're going to be treated differently. I get that you want to make life easier for her but those things will be noticeable to her and I can almost guarantee that she'll want to die of embarrassment.

And for the love of all that is holy don't order something "healthy" because you think it will make it easier on someone, because all they'll get in their head is the food they want is "bad" and that they're a failure at doing what they think they should be doing. Especially if you yourself don't struggle with weight. 

I think you misread what I typed. I usually order a salad (and also struggle with my weight, just an fyi) because I love them. However, if she feels like she can't have something else because I'm eating a salad, I will "take one for the team" next time and order pasta or a burger or whatever in an effort to make her more comfortable. obviously I won't say anything, but maybe it might encourage her to be comfortable around me. And really "take one for the team" was said TIC.

I did realize that "take one for the team" was said TIC, but I did misunderstand the rest of your post. Sorry about that :/

[thinkofthesoldiers]

No worries.

[melindafelinda]

Don't be condescending.

[emsumm]

OP obviously cares about her MIL and knows to not be stupid. She's not going to show up and say "we're walking with you so you aren't fat!"

[jssymom14]

I have found with my overweight friend that offering to walk with her helps. Also we always try to sit at a table with regular chairs (no booth, stools or high top with chairs) especially if I arrive first.

[hellfreezesovertour]

FYI Fat people can see through the "Oh let's go for a walk" when it's out of the blue. Or "They love walking with gramma" if the kids are squawking and obviously don't.

People do SO MUCH ASSHATTERY in the name of "helping" it's really just best to do whatever you would, eat whatever you otherwise would anyway.

[Jermys]

I would have LOVED for someone to come walk with me. I sure the hell hadn't the motivation to do it on my own, but if someone came to my house and said "Hey, let's go for a walk!" I'd be the first one lacing up my shoes. Read the non-verbals she sends you.

I also appreciated the smaller person asking for a table instead of a booth. God, things are embarrassing when you're a mega fatty.

[vanillacourage]

FWIW my kids love walking with grandma, and tables are often better than a booth for us anyway given my younger kid in the high chair. I do have a shred of self-awareness, I promise.

Thanks all for your thoughts. I worry about lurkers and this is personal so I'm going to ask a ML mod to delete this at some point (no abuse of mod powers).