I would definitely make copies of whatever proof you have, just in case you need it. If you want to leave your house, start looking for a way to make that happen, but I think wait and see what the lawyer advises.
Post by simplyinpenguin on Jul 9, 2013 22:14:16 GMT -5
I'm sorry this is happening to you. That POS doesn't deserve you and kudos for getting your ducks in a row.
Get tested immediately for STDs. Copy any financials that you two share. If you fear of his temper, I'd have what I need out of the house and then confront him in a semi-public place (but still private enough that no one can hear what's going on). Do not be alone with him if you truly fear for your safety.
Post by vanillacourage on Jul 9, 2013 22:15:08 GMT -5
I'm so sorry.
Make copies of any records you can, just in case. Make sure he can't access your credit cards or whatever else. If he has a temper, it might be smart to have a friend there or in the next room when you tell him. Get tested for STDs.
I would definitely make copies of whatever proof you have, just in case you need it. If you want to leave your house, start looking for a way to make that happen, but I think wait and see what the lawyer advises.
I am sorry you are dealing with this.
I have both electronic and paper copies of the proof.
Make copies of any records you can, just in case. Make sure he can't access your credit cards or whatever else. If he has a temper, it might be smart to have a friend there or in the next room when you tell him. Get tested for STDs.
Do you own or rent your home?
I own. The house is in my name only. Other than the deed, do I need anything else?
I would definitely make copies of whatever proof you have, just in case you need it. If you want to leave your house, start looking for a way to make that happen, but I think wait and see what the lawyer advises.
I am sorry you are dealing with this.
I have both electronic and paper copies of the proof.
Good, can someone you trust keep them for you? I wouldn't want him to realize you have it and then try to hunt it down.
Do you own any anything together (property, cars, pets?)? Any benefits you share-- like are you on his insurance, etc?
Take care to round up any very sentimental or very valuable things you have in your house and find another place for them. My xH broke things that he knew were important to me and tried to prevent me from taking my car (his name was also on the title) with me when I moved out. He reported it stolen, even.
Survey your bank account and determine what it's going to take to make it on your own. Contemplate housing for down the line (could be sooner than later depending on how everything shakes out when you confront him).
I'm sorry you're going through this.. You have a good head on your shoulders. You can do this.
I have a cat from before we married and a dog since we've been married. No kids. My car has my name only on it. His truck has both our names. He's on my insurance. I am the primary breadwinner paying 80+% of the bills. Once I get through the divorce, I'm not concerned about making it on my own. I have family about an hour away that will be here in a heartbeat if I need help. Good advice on the sentimental stuff. I'll need to gather that up.
Post by vanillacourage on Jul 9, 2013 22:26:17 GMT -5
I would see a lawyer before you tell him you want a divorce. The fact that you own the house on your own despite being married - hopefully it will make things easier in the long term, but in the immediate future I'd want to be sure I was on solid legal ground to kick him out right away and that he'd have no claim on the house, even temporarily.
I have both electronic and paper copies of the proof.
Good, can someone you trust keep them for you? I wouldn't want him to realize you have it and then try to hunt it down.
The electronic copies are in my email. I have the paper copies tucked away in a drawer. My mom is the only one who knows. Maybe I should send her the electronic copies just to he safe.
I would see a lawyer before you tell him you want a divorce. The fact that you own the house on your own despite being married - hopefully it will make things easier in the long term, but in the immediate future I'd want to be sure I was on solid legal ground to kick him out right away and that he'd have no claim on the house, even temporarily.
Yeah, I have no plans to tell him a thing until after I talk to a lawyer.
You can ask on the Starting Over board and there is a surviving infidelity site. Good luck and once he is out change the locks. It wouldn't surprise me if you had to evict him.
I have a cat from before we married and a dog since we've been married. No kids. My car has my name only on it. His truck has both our names. He's on my insurance. I am the primary breadwinner paying 80+% of the bills. Once I get through the divorce, I'm not concerned about making it on my own. I have family about an hour away that will be here in a heartbeat if I need help. Good advice on the sentimental stuff. I'll need to gather that up.
You sound like you are in a very good place for this. Not that this will make it easier emotionally, but at least the practical bits won't be too tough.
I would go rent a security deposit box or small storage center (depending on how much you have) to keep your most important stuff in if he has the temper you say he has. I've been there and it's really not fun.
The name of the game for you is to protect yourself-physically, emotionally, and financially.
Please, pretty please, tell your best friend or your brother or SOMEONE about what is going on. Tell them TONIGHT and tell them before you talk to him. Make sure that your conversation is somewhere PUBLIC or at the very least, under supervision. My xH physically prevented me from leaving when I was telling him I was done. It was terrifying and you never know how tempers will flair. It was the only time he ever got TRULY physical with me. Depending on how this goes, you will know how long you want to give him to be out of the house. Think over this.. Figure out what's reasonable (does he have the means or resources to get out immediately? does he have someone he can move in with quickly/easily?) and make sure to protect yourself. Even with you owning the house, you won't be able to remove him from the marital home immediately without some sort of imminent danger, so be prepared to vacate temporarily if it comes to. Check to see if there is someone you could stay with if it comes to this.
Does his truck still have payments left? You'll have to determine how likely he is to default on that, and if you want to continue paying until the divorce is final it to protect your credit. You will want to determine how this goes in your divorce decree, but the time in between can still have lasting impact on your credit rating.
I'm not sure how much money you have or anything, but being the breadwinner, you have a different set of issues to consider than I did when I went through this. You will need to look into ways to protect your money from him. Part of this is going to be having rock-solid proof that he is the one in violation of the marriage contract so that you don't owe him anything afterward.
Best of luck!
My mom already knows. I will most definitely have my mom and brother here when I tell him. Depending on what the lawyer says, I may have to involve authorities. He is not going to go easy. He has very little money to his name and has bad credit. He definitely won't be able to afford a place on his own. Probably move back to his moms.
The truck does have payments left. I intend to keep paying for all that as I do today until my name is off the loan.
The proof I have is emails (and sometimes pictures) to people who listed Craigslist personal ads. In some there are very explicit comments. In some there are stated times to meet. I don't have pictures of him doing the deed or anything, but that's pretty solid proof that he broke the marriage contract, right? I know I'll need to confirm with a lawyer but just wondering your thoughts
You have the upper hand so I would not say anything until you meet with a lawyer for sure. Do everything you can to protect your assets. If you have access to any of his accounts get screen shots/statements now.
Also, if you are in a community property state, only having your name on xyz won't matter if any marital funds were used on that asset. Make sure you talk about this with your lawyer. (I am not a lawyer...)
I'm not sure if I'm in a community property state or not. However, when I bought the house (just a few weeks before we got married) he had to sign as the "non-borrowing" spouse. So I'm not sure if that makes a difference. There isn't that much equity in the house as we've only lived her 1 1/2 years, so it won't be the end of the world if I have up split that with him. There's no way he'd be able to afford it alone. The mortgage payments are more than he makes in a typical month. I'm just concerned on how to get him out. I know...that will be one of the major points I bring up with the lawyer.