If you have looked into, or been through the adoption proces

[missbella]

Where did you start?

i know a few families who have adopted children but they were all 20+ years ago or a foster situation so I don't have anyone IRL to ask.

Our state requires that you go through an agency and you are not allowed to "advertise" on your own.  I found a list of all the agencies in our state and requested info from 5 or 6. They all require you to come to an orientation or have a meeting with them to go over the particulars. As far as I can see from the limited info I have received there isn't really too much of a difference between them although when we talk to them differences may become more apparent.

So when it comes down to it how do you choose who to go with? Should your gut instinct play any role?



Thanks!

[Deleted]

Can I add you to the Adoption Nesties facebook page? PM me with a link to your FB page if interested, and I'll friend you and add you. This is a great question to post over there.

I started out by researching agencies. There actually are a lot of differences, and it's important to talk to adoptive parents who used the agency. Some agencies have long wait times but aren't going to volunteer that to prospective adoptive parents. Others are notoriously bad about calling you back or being helpful in general. You will only find this info out by talking to other people who used the agency. Something else to look at is up front costs and at risk money. For example, some agencies have you pay a big chunk of money right away, so if you end up not liking them after signing up, you would lose $15k or more if you chose to walk away and use a different agency. Also look into their policies about failed matches. Many agencies will roll any money spent on the failed adoption over and credit it to your net match. Some will give a partial refund. Be sure you understand exactly how much money you could lose under the agency's policies.

We ended up using an adoption consultant. You will typically spend more money but match quickly with a consultant. A consultant is different than a facilitator, which is illegal in my state but may be another option in yours. Our baby was placed with us just 8 weeks after signing up with our consultant, and while this was quick even for a consultant, it is not unusual. The average wait time with our consultant when we adopted was 3 - 6 months, and even less for adoptive parents open to an African American or biracial child.

[Deleted]

What state are you in?

Also, to clarify, will typically match with an agency when using a consultant, so it's still an agency adoption. While attorneys aren't able to match families in your state, you could also end up matching with an out of state attorney. Consultants network all over the country and you could end up matching with a birth mom anywhere in the country unless you put limits on where you will go. We live in Atlanta and adopted from Nevada (Las Vegas).

[janiejones]

We read A LOT. We decided which path suited us, then called the agency. They invited us to an orientation and we went from there.

[missbella]

Thanks for the info! That is all really great stuff to think about. I am in Massachusetts. I would prefer to adopt from another state anyway. I will have to look into consultants, I had never heard about that before. Thanks!

[missbella]

Jul 10, 2013 17:53:38 GMT -5 janiejones said:

We read A LOT. We decided which path suited us, then called the agency. They invited us to an orientation and we went from there.

Did you just look at one agency or did you look at a lot?

[ginger]

Our BFFs are in Hong Kong RIGHT NOW for their adoption. They started by using a local adoption agency and looking Nationally. After a year and a half to two years they decided to broaden to International Adoptions as well.

How they chose their agency was exactly as you described. They had a meeting and knew this is where they wanted to be.

I'm excited for you and this possible decision.

[feistypants]

I'm so glad you asked this question! We're currently at the same place.

[FastHands]

::sits here::

Are there any books or web resources you'd recommend? I'm holding out hope for getting pg naturally, but the odds are increasingly slim, and I am not open to intervention. The extent of my knowledge about adoption is that you have a kid you didn't birth. I want to be better informed so I really understand the process before I jump in.

[missbella]

Jul 10, 2013 17:57:51 GMT -5 ginger said:

Our BFFs are in Hong Kong RIGHT NOW for their adoption. They started by using a local adoption agency and looking Nationally. After a year and a half to two years they decided to broaden to International Adoptions as well.

How they chose their agency was exactly as you described. They had a meeting and knew this is where they wanted to be.

I'm excited for you and this possible decision.

Your friends must be thrilled! That is so awesome.

i am excited too. Its amazing how your way of thinking transforms. As much as I always pictured being pregnant and giving birth, I am getting even more excited at the idea of going and picking my child up from the hospital. It is honestly what I picture now.

[missbella]

Jul 10, 2013 18:03:21 GMT -5 FastHands said:

::sits here::

Are there any books or web resources you'd recommend? I'm holding out hope for getting pg naturally, but the odds are increasingly slim, and I am not open to intervention. The extent of my knowledge about adoption is that you have a kid you didn't birth. I want to be better informed so I really understand the process before I jump in.

This is us. We were told we would probably get pregnant eventually. MIL and FIL had the same issue and it took them 10 years. So I figured why not have both options. Average wait time for domestic infant adoption is 1-3 years so it can't hurt to start now and see what happens. I am actually starting to get more excited about adopting than pregnancy.

[ginger]

Jul 10, 2013 18:11:53 GMT -5 missbella said:

Jul 10, 2013 17:57:51 GMT -5 ginger said:

Our BFFs are in Hong Kong RIGHT NOW for their adoption. They started by using a local adoption agency and looking Nationally. After a year and a half to two years they decided to broaden to International Adoptions as well.

How they chose their agency was exactly as you described. They had a meeting and knew this is where they wanted to be.

I'm excited for you and this possible decision.

Your friends must be thrilled! That is so awesome.

i am excited too. Its amazing how your way of thinking transforms. As much as I always pictured being pregnant and giving birth, I am getting even more excited at the idea of going and picking my child up from the hospital. It is honestly what I picture now.

It really is amazing to see how your heart changes. Going through this journey with them has been an emotional roller coaster...but the most amazing thing in the entire world. You're going to have a great ride Mama!

[Deleted]

Jul 10, 2013 18:03:21 GMT -5 FastHands said:

::sits here::

Are there any books or web resources you'd recommend? I'm holding out hope for getting pg naturally, but the odds are increasingly slim, and I am not open to intervention. The extent of my knowledge about adoption is that you have a kid you didn't birth. I want to be better informed so I really understand the process before I jump in.

Adoption for Dummies is supposed to be a great introduction to the different types of adoption.  I didn't learn about it until after we adopted, so I haven't read it.

[Deleted]

Jul 10, 2013 18:11:53 GMT -5 missbella said:

Jul 10, 2013 17:57:51 GMT -5 ginger said:

Our BFFs are in Hong Kong RIGHT NOW for their adoption. They started by using a local adoption agency and looking Nationally. After a year and a half to two years they decided to broaden to International Adoptions as well.

How they chose their agency was exactly as you described. They had a meeting and knew this is where they wanted to be.

I'm excited for you and this possible decision.

Your friends must be thrilled! That is so awesome.

i am excited too. Its amazing how your way of thinking transforms. As much as I always pictured being pregnant and giving birth, I am getting even more excited at the idea of going and picking my child up from the hospital. It is honestly what I picture now.

This is so true.  After adopting my son, I can't imagine growing our family any other way.  It is AMAZING.  Putting together a profile, the anxiety when you know a birth mom is looking at it, the excitement when getting the call that you were picked, the nervousness while waiting for the birth, and the awe when you walk into that hospital room and a sweet little baby is just handed over to you to take care of forever is indescribably amazing.  It's definitely the coolest thing I've experienced by far, so I always get excited to hear about other people who are starting the process.  I hate that adoption is often viewed as the lesser option to having a child, and I truly PREFER it now that I've experienced it.

[lb2006]

Jul 10, 2013 17:37:33 GMT -5 missbella said:

Where did you start?

i know a few families who have adopted children but they were all 20+ years ago or a foster situation so I don't have anyone IRL to ask.

Our state requires that you go through an agency and you are not allowed to "advertise" on your own.  I found a list of all the agencies in our state and requested info from 5 or 6. They all require you to come to an orientation or have a meeting with them to go over the particulars. As far as I can see from the limited info I have received there isn't really too much of a difference between them although when we talk to them differences may become more apparent.

So when it comes down to it how do you choose who to go with? Should your gut instinct play any role?



Thanks!

We started by comparing agencies - we knew we wanted to adopt internationally and started researching agencies and asking folks who had used them, about their experience.  I also asked each agency a lot of questions.

We went with gut instinct and it's going well so far - we're 1 year, 4 months into the process, waiting to adopt internationally.  Feel free to PM me any questions.

[katecoop]

I'm jumping in just to save the thread. We are nowhere near ready, but when we are this is the route we want to take. Thanks for all the good info!

[ndgrl]

I read Adoption for Dummies, and found it to be a good basic introduction.  There are plenty of other good books out there, but honestly, I just searched around the internet and found some good forums and good blogs with practical advice, and that worked for me.

We queried several different agencies in the beginning (and got information from them), but we already had a good idea of what we were looking for in an agency (fee structure, support for birthparents, general ethos of their organization), and we do not have too many agencies that are local to us.  We ended up choosing the one we ended up with because they just felt right--we liked their approach to adoption, the lack of coercion, the care given to both adoptive families and birth families.

And you are completely right that adoption offers its own amazing memories and moments--that are completely exciting.  One of the ones that sticks out most to me is when we met our son's mother right before she had the c-section, and she THANKED US!  When she was entrusting us with this great gift.  Utterly amazing.  

[underwaterrhymes]

Captain Serious
Jermys

Might be able to provide you with some details.

[2boys2danes]

We adopted internationally almost 10 years ago but we spent a lot of time on www. adoption.com the Russian board there used to be really busy but I cant speak for any of the US-based stuff.

Good luck! So exciting for you!

[berbles]

Jul 10, 2013 19:00:41 GMT -5 underwaterrhymes said:

Captain Serious
Jermys

Might be able to provide you with some details.

@otterama too

[missbella]

Jul 10, 2013 19:46:58 GMT -5 2boys2danes said:

We adopted internationally almost 10 years ago but we spent a lot of time on www. adoption.com the Russian board there used to be really busy but I cant speak for any of the US-based stuff.

Good luck! So exciting for you!

That looks like a good place to look around. Thanks!

[Deleted]

I know DrLoretta adopted her little girl, so she may also be a resource. Good luck!

[Captain Serious]

On the surface, most the agencies appear the same.  As with most other things in life, the devil is in the details.  It is very important you investigate any agency you are considering using to find out if they operate ethically and how they handle difficult situations.  Any agency can place many babies when the conditions are right; what you need is to find an agency that will stick by you and the birth families and work ethically even if things fall apart and the shit hits the fan.

I usually suggest that people considering adoption should check out an introductory book on the subject, because there are so many different kinds of adoption, each with its own process. I think books like Adoption for Dummies or The Complete Idiot's Guide To Adoption (which I used) are a great place to get started. They provide lots of basic information on adoption, the different types, the processes, and how to research an agency. Other good books are The Complete Adoption Book and You CAN Adopt. Any of these will help you decide which type of adoption best “fits” your family.

If you then decide that domestic adoption is right for your family, you’ll need to find a good agency. As I said above, I highly recommend researching any agency you are considering to make sure it abides by ethical standards. For domestic agencies, a great place to look them up is on the yahoo group called "AARD" (Adoption Agency Research – Domestic). That group is dedicated to giving honest feedback on agencies. You can ask about the agencies you are interested in directly, and also search their archives and files.

If you choose international, you’ll then need to pick from which country. The US Department of State's website lists the requirements to adopt from each country (http://adoption.state.gov/). I always recommend you find a country that you wish to adopt from first, and then chose an agency that has a strong program in that country. There are some great agencies that have some really strong programs in countries they've been working in for some time...and some fledgling programs in countries that are new to them. Even though these agencies are generally highly recommended, their newer programs may not work as well as those that are more renowned, because they haven't had the time and experience to figure out all the kinks, establish strong contacts, and become aware of all the pitfalls. It's also a good idea to find an agency that has a strong program in more than one country you are interested in. Adoption programs can be very volatile, as they are dependent on the laws of multiple countries/compacts, diplomatic relations, public perception, etc. It's not unheard of for a country to drastically slow down their process or close entirely, and if your agency specializes in more than one country you are interested in, you should be able to transfer to another program with limited difficulty or cost (you should make sure of this when interviewing agencies). The yahoo group "Adoption Agency Research" is a phenomenal resource for vetting agencies, and works the same way as “AARD.”

Good luck!

[Deleted]

DH and I are in a special situation in that we didn't go through an agency. A friend of mine from HS contacted me, knowing we wanted to adopt, and asked if we were interested in adopting.

I will say this....I don't think it's bad to go with your gut. But it's hard to tell a gut feeling from the desire of want sometimes. I think before you adopt, think about what you can and cannot do. Make a list of situations that you would turn down and have it ready BEFORE you are offered a situation. Things to consider are:

-Age of a child...can you handle a 10 year old? Are you ok with an infant?
-Special needs...could you handle someone on the Autism spectrum? Down Syndrome? Heart issues?
-Race of a child....if you adopt an AA child as a white couple, are you prepared to learn about caring for their hair? Teach them about Kwanzaa? Will you encourage learning Mandarin for a Chinese baby?
-Domestic or international....are you ok going out of the country? Or do you want to stay in the USA?
-What if the baby is born drug dependent? Are you equipped for that?
-Closed vs. open adoption...would you truly be ok with an open adoption and always have the birth parents as a presence in your life?

Make a list now...discuss what you are ok with. You'd be surprised at some of the things you won't agree on! For instance, I felt like I could handle a special needs child, but DH was unsure.

Good luck!

[Deleted]

We're exploring adoption as well, so saying hi to come read this later.

[janiejones]

Jul 10, 2013 17:57:16 GMT -5 missbella said:

Jul 10, 2013 17:53:38 GMT -5 janiejones said:

We read A LOT. We decided which path suited us, then called the agency. They invited us to an orientation and we went from there.

Did you just look at one agency or did you look at a lot?

we decided to pursue a public adoption, so there was just one option.

[cst2cst]

We are starting this process now. H asked for recommendations at his firm and we started there. He called a few agencies and attorneys. We were really impressed with one of them. We have a consultation scheduled with them.

We went to a foster parent orientation at DHHS, but we are still undecided on Foster to Adopt.

We have a one year old bio dd and are looking at adopting an infant to preserve birth order. So, we started with DIA and are trying to make decisions from there.

[casarosada]

We are just about to start our home study! We are doing DIA and decided to go with a local agency so we don't have to worry about traveling out of state. We researched online and found a few agencies that we liked and then attended informational meetings. We picked one agency that we felt the best with and applied.

For others that have adopted - did you do a lot of outreach or just go into a profile book/site? With our agency we are going to pay to go into their profile book because we aren't sure we're really comfortable with doing more outreach that just telling family/friends and asking them to keep us in mind if they hear of an expectant mother that might want to make an adoption plan.

[sergey]

We're just starting to seriously discuss a timeline for this as well. I think I'll pick up the dummies book while the recommendation is fresh and shelve it for a year.

[casarosada]

I just wanted to add that DH read the Adoption for Dummies book and felt like he learned a lot. I'd also recommend Adoptive Families (the magazine or just the website). They have tons of great articles and also links to other resources.