So C has this one teacher at school that he's been connect to the hip with since she started (about a year ago?) She is one of the biggest reasons we put him back in that program...she "gets" who he is as a little person and fosters his interests in a way that I really, really like (such as making a game all about hockey and having him teach the other kids the players names, etc.)
She is young (I would guess 20-22 yo?) and got married very suddenly last year. She didn't take any time off because she said she could afford to (she didn't volunteer this info, I asked why she was already back at school - long story short.) She is also incrediably artistic and creative - just all around I really think she's a great, down to earth girl. She's now also pregnant.
I met her husband about a month ago...and my heart just sank. He is also young, probably the same age, but SO immature. I can't even explain it you guys, I literally got into my car and almost started crying. I'm making all sorts of assumptions here, but my gut and intuition are hard core telling me that he's not going to treat her right (not as in hit or anything like that)...she just has so much potential and is kind...and then I also realized he was the kid I saw SMOKING in the parking lot earlier this year. Of our daycare. DUDE. Just not a lot of common sense.
Ok, so after we yanked C from his school, this teacher gave H and I her fb and email details. We friended her, which is not our normal protocol, but wanted a way to stay in touch. Now C is back in his class, but we are still fb friends....
Alright, my point....her posts on FB have really made me sad. She is totally vagueposting, but it's clear her H is disappointing her. She also posted today about wishing her parents lived in our city and her mom replied that she did too, but teacher is married now and needs to do right by her family.
You guys, why is this upsetting me so much? She's an adult, no one put a gun to her head to get married (she wasn't pregnant at that time either), is employed, etc.
I just want her to have a super great life. Like, one of those people I wish I could adopt and/or be her mentor. Here's the problem though - I don't trust her husband as far as I could throw him...I found his FB page through her's and he talks about how he just avoided jail for drug possession (last year) and is now employed and getting his life back on track, etc. But he's still so immature that I can see him making some of the same mistakes a few more times before he gets right. And I fear inviting her into our lives means inviting him and I don't want him around my boys.
Then the other part of me is like, I can help this guy see it's ok to be on the strait and narrow.
And then I cry. Like I am right now.
Sorry, these thoughts have been bottled up for a while now and I don't want to say them outloud yet.
WWYD? Or am I completely going off the deep end (likely.)
Post by thinkofthesoldiers on Jul 10, 2013 19:55:45 GMT -5
Nothing. There is nothing you can or really should do. You are putting yourself in a pretty precarious situation by getting too involved in this person's life if you start trying to fix stuff. People have to live their own lives and make their own mistakes. Don't you think that perhaps someone said not to get married to douchebag? I bet her mom did.
Give a nice gift when she has the baby and go from there.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
Post by sparkythelawyer on Jul 10, 2013 19:56:50 GMT -5
You be her friend. Support her (emotionally) when she talks about her goals for herself, encourage her to do the beat she can for herself, and keep your hiney out of the rest of it.
It's entirely possible to have a girlfriend without being buddy buddy with the husband if you want to get together with her and do lunches, dinners, or shopping. ETA: I'm talking a normal friendship here, not just one fostered out of feeling like you need to save her.
It's always sad to see someone that is doing really well be pulled down by someone who could care less and doesn't seem to be bettering themselves.
On a side note; how old was this kid that was smoking if his father is only 20-22?!
TOTS, what you said is the other conversation I have with myself, once I stop crying.
But then I wonder...there should be something in between.
Jillian - that's a good idea. I did buy her a baby dress today, to give as a gift when the baby is born. And maybe I will up the "teacher" appreciation gifts to happen on a more frequent basis.
I just want to do more and struggling with not feeling selfish about the fact I'm holding back because of my "fears" re: her husband.
Be her friend, but don't say anything negative about her H. You might be right, but you can't get the whole story from snooping around FB. Just be kind and supportive and if she needs to talk, she will seek that out.
TOTS, what you said is the other conversation I have with myself, once I stop crying.
But then I wonder...there should be something in between.
Jillian - that's a good idea. I did buy her a baby dress today, to give as a gift when the baby is born. And maybe I will up the "teacher" appreciation gifts to happen on a more frequent basis.
I just want to do more and struggling with not feeling selfish about the fact I'm holding back because of my "fears" re: her husband.
What would you have tolerated someone saying about your loser first husband?
You can't right the ship for her. She chose this yamsack. Out of all the gin joints in all the world, this is what she picked.
You can, however, be a friend if/when she decides she needs one.
i think you can expand your relationship so that it's clear to her that you're there for her if she needs it. and she might really, really need it with a baby on the way.
but otherwise, unfortunately, i think this is one of those times where you just have watch someone you care about hurting.
Flex, true. My urge is to mentor and support her goals and to help foster her sense of self worth. She is quite overweight and I wonder if this clouds how she views herself.
I can't give her a huge amount of emotional support, but I'm also not good at setting boundries when people lean on me for that and it starts impacting my own life. So usually I just don't go there. Which is probably the other thing (besides her H) that has stopped me short.
Moonbeam - sorry, the "kid" I saw was actually her H. He literally looks like he's 16-17, but I think is around her same age.
Post by W.T.Faulkner on Jul 10, 2013 20:08:59 GMT -5
Oh, fields, I understand why you're invested, since that teacher was a big part of your kid's life. It's easy to get attached to people who see the day-in and day-out of your family.
But although you might feel really close with her, and I'm sure she deeply cares about your kid, it isn't your place to be THIS involved in her life.
I think it's a great idea to buy her a present for when the baby comes, and maybe even get together every now and then. But her marriage isn't your business.
Post by thinkofthesoldiers on Jul 10, 2013 20:11:25 GMT -5
You know another consideration is that if you start trying to get more and more invested in her, you might be putting her in a bad situation both personally and professionally. The personal stuff is pretty easy to spot, however seeing as she is young she might not know how to keep those professional lines clear cut and it could come back to bite her in the ass.
Flex, true. My urge is to mentor and support her goals and to help foster her sense of self worth. She is quite overweight and I wonder if this clouds how she views herself.
I can't give her a huge amount of emotional support, but I'm also not good at setting boundries when people lean on me for that and it starts impacting my own life. So usually I just don't go there. Which is probably the other thing (besides her H) that has stopped me short.
Moonbeam - sorry, the "kid" I saw was actually her H. He literally looks like he's 16-17, but I think is around her same age.
Oooh! That makes a lot more sense, I misunderstood.
Please don't assume her self worth is based on her weight. She sounds like such a caring and wonderful person, don't attach her weight to who she is unless she specifically says so. She's 22, she's pregnant, her hormones are all over the place, and she's married to a seemingly immature man - that is what could be affecting her self worth and how she views her husband at the moment more than anything else.
lol Sprky...i know this, trust. no way do i want to get in the middle of her marital issues - it's more about supporting her in general so that she has confidence to make the right decisions. she totally has to make her own mistakes, i'm not looking to be a soft place for her to fall. but for whatever reason, my intuition picked up something about her and i've been struggling about how/if/when to help her given the circumstances.
Post by shopgirl07 on Jul 10, 2013 20:15:48 GMT -5
Let it go. I own hair salons and I have several employees that fit this very description. You can't get too involved or let it affect you that much because there's nothing you can do.
Your heart is in the right place, but there isn't really anything you can do. I would probably get her something nice when the baby comes, and keep in touch, but unless she reached out to you I would not get myself involved.
Whoa... as a teacher, I would be freaked if a parent took this much interest in my life. It's nice to want better for her, but it is not your place. This is the life she chose, and if she wants out at some point, she has to do it. How embarrassing for her to have you judging her life choices....
It's nice you care, but you should stay out of it. This is not about you and how you feel for her, and it seems like deep down you realize that and just need people to remind you.
Are you personalizing some of this? I understand caring for her. Letting it affect you so much seems odd.
Yes, I'm sure I am. I've got a soft spot for under dog types.
I will say this you guys...I've felt this way in some capacity for all the people who have cared for our children. Our two former nannies are like our family now BUT the difference is they both come from amazing families and although also married young, are mature (truly) and I always want them to be a part of our lives.
I'm getting that same vibe for this teacher, but, as many of you pointed out, the circumstances make it not such a favorable situation to do so in addition to the fact that it could take a bad turn as much as it could be an awesome thing.
I get that I'm coming across very overinvested in this post and it's because I'm truly posting my raw (and somewhat irrational) feelings, which I promise I know sound a bit unhinged, but just need an outlet to pour them out, get feedback, and right size my emotions about this.
I'm not generally a very emotional person, but when I do get emotional it's like a freight train because usually I've bottled up thoughts in my head for too long.
Post by bananapancakes on Jul 10, 2013 20:25:37 GMT -5
You clearly have a huge heart and care deeply for people but I don't think there is too much you can do in this situation. You can't save her. You can offer her an ear/some support especially when the baby comes, but ultimately she is a grown woman and she needs to live her life, mistakes and all.
Are you personalizing some of this? I understand caring for her. Letting it affect you so much seems odd.
Yes, I'm sure I am. I've got a soft spot for under dog types.
I will say this you guys...I've felt this way in some capacity for all the people who have cared for our children. Our two former nannies are like our family now BUT the difference is they both come from amazing families and although also married young, are mature (truly) and I always want them to be a part of our lives.
I'm getting that same vibe for this teacher, but, as many of you pointed out, the circumstances make it not such a favorable situation to do so in addition to the fact that it could take a bad turn as much as it could be an awesome thing.
I get that I'm coming across very overinvested in this post and it's because I'm truly posting my raw (and somewhat irrational) feelings, which I promise I know sound a bit unhinged, but just need an outlet to pour them out, get feedback, and right size my emotions about this.
I'm not generally a very emotional person, but when I do get emotional it's like a freight train because usually I've bottled up thoughts in my head for too long.
The nannies were also IN your home, a pretty private area for most people. You have to stop this mentality of childcare workers being like family. The nanny stuff I can understand, but from here on out these are your children's PROFESSIONAL EDUCATORS. Start building that barrier now.
I am side eyeing so much in this post. Do you guys honestly think fields is stupid? Some of these responses indicate so. I highly doubt fields' plan was to march up to this girl and detail her assumptions and dictate how this girl should handle her life. I think her heart is in the right place and there is nothing wrong with creating a friendship, or offering one. Should they get closer, I would hope fields would operate as she would with any of her current friends: actively listening, being a shoulder, and not inserting herself too far into teacher's relationship.
Don't worry, I generally know which ones "know"/get me on here
And I do appreciate all input and opinions - having everyone's unique perspective helps me think through this from all angles.
But booby is right people - for those of you who thought I was considering doing the whole march up to her thing...no. Not my style, promise!
Whoa... as a teacher, I would be freaked if a parent took this much interest in my life. It's nice to want better for her, but it is not your place. This is the life she chose, and if she wants out at some point, she has to do it. How embarrassing for her to have you judging her life choices....
It's nice you care, but you should stay out of it. This is not about you and how you feel for her, and it seems like deep down you realize that and just need people to remind you.
Don't be crazy. It's not uncommon for a teacher and a parent to form a tight connection. Parents are people, too! It's also not weird for a parent to form a motherly (for lack of a better word) relationship with someone who may be slightly disadvantaged. I saw this frequently with one of the women I worked with that reminds me a LOT of the woman fields is describing.
fields, it sounds like you have a big heart. It's hard to watch others make mistakes you know they could avoid.
Flex, true. My urge is to mentor and support her goals and to help foster her sense of self worth. She is quite overweight and I wonder if this clouds how she views herself.
I can't give her a huge amount of emotional support, but I'm also not good at setting boundries when people lean on me for that and it starts impacting my own life. So usually I just don't go there. Which is probably the other thing (besides her H) that has stopped me short.
Moonbeam - sorry, the "kid" I saw was actually her H. He literally looks like he's 16-17, but I think is around her same age.
You have a big heart, fields. And I'm a cranky old lady, so I hope I don't come across as being super harsh, but this lovely young woman can only learn from her own life-choice mistakes. It almost seems like you want to shield her from that. I'm concerned that you're way too emotionally invested with her. And focusing on what you perceive to be weight issues for her isn't healthy.
Like I said, save your nurturing instincts for your sons and your DH. Step back if you can. Please?
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
Whoa... as a teacher, I would be freaked if a parent took this much interest in my life. It's nice to want better for her, but it is not your place. This is the life she chose, and if she wants out at some point, she has to do it. How embarrassing for her to have you judging her life choices....
It's nice you care, but you should stay out of it. This is not about you and how you feel for her, and it seems like deep down you realize that and just need people to remind you.
Don't be crazy. It's not uncommon for a teacher and a parent to form a tight connection. Parents are people, too! It's also not weird for a parent to form a motherly (for lack of a better word) relationship with someone who may be slightly disadvantaged. I saw this frequently with one of the women I worked with that reminds me a LOT of the woman fields is describing.
fields, it sounds like you have a big heart. It's hard to watch others make mistakes you know they could avoid.
I don't think my opinion is "crazy." I am actually very tight with most of the parents in my class, and am fb friends with several of them. But they have never judged anything I have said, done, or posted to my face. Behind my back? Who knows, but none have ever commented on my personal choices to me. Which was exactly the point I made.
This is not her child, her real friend, or someone she should have too much of a vested personal interest in besides the care of her child. Fields seems to understand that. It's great she cares, but there is definitely a line between parents and teachers that should not be overstepped, which she gets or else she wouldn't have posted about it.