Post by beautifulfields12 on Jul 10, 2013 21:13:32 GMT -5
I feel like I am in a weird place with my DH. It is hard to explain. He is not mean, lazy, etc. I just find myself getting pretty ragey about everything he does. We have been very short with each other since I went on a business trip a few weeks ago. I feel like there is not a lot of romance/closeness right now. We have been together 5 years, married almost 3. I don't know what to make of it.
So here are my questions:
1. What "caused" your rough patch? 2. How did you address it? 3. Has it occurred multiple times?
We've had times like this. I wouldn't even call it a rough patch. Sometimes one or both of us is in a funk, usually not related to the relationship, or unrelated to anything at all. It helps me to take a breath and examine why I'm pissy.
-Are my responses/reactions to dh valid/rational? If no, I work on figuring out wtf MY problem is, and own up to dh that I'm being a bitch and I'm sorry.
-If he's being a douche, I will try to cut him some slack, but will also gently point out if his frustrations with other things are being vented at me. "Idk if it's intentional, but you are being harsh lately and I don't think I deserve it. What's up?"
-Stress-free time helps. Unplug. Take a walk, even. Date night is better, and a weekend away is excellent.
Post by beautifulfields12 on Jul 10, 2013 21:26:18 GMT -5
((frkls)) I completely know what you mean. I have not said anything to anyone IRL either. I found myself tearing up while making dinner tonight. I think we just need to connect. Sometimes I find we are extremely different and it really bothers me. Then I think about how amazingly supportive he is, how hard he works, how he is a good dad, and how hard he tries to make me happy.
i am currently in a rough patch with h. h has no idea. i asked him yesterday if he feels like we've been fighting more than usual, and he said, "no! we haven't been fighitng much at all." his health stuff is really taking a toll on me and he has no idea.
i haven't told anybody else this, but he had to stop during sex the other night to catch his breath. he was on the bottom.
I think you need to talk to him, frkls. Is he doing things for his health problems or is he kind of in denial?
Post by BieberMyBalls on Jul 10, 2013 21:38:25 GMT -5
We go through rough patches every so often, I think most relationships have their ups and downs. We hit a really rough patch about 4 years ago, that required more extreme measures (we separated briefly) but that was after we had worn out our other options. We moved really quickly in our relationship, and the affects of that, and life's stresses, took it's toll on us. We're currently going through a bit of a rough patch, again, because we're both stressed out. We're trying to focus more on doing more fun stuff as a family, and spending more time together as a couple, and it seems to be working. You really have to just do what you can to target the problem areas, and get through it. If things don't seem to be improving, I would look into counselling to try and figure out why you're in a funk, and what you both need, to make things work. Good luck, I'm sorry things aren't great right now, and I hope they get better soon.
1. What "caused" your rough patch? Stress of babies/toddlers, living in a small space, H being indecisive, mopey. Lots of screaming match fights. 2. How did you address it? Kids got older, bought a house, H got a different job, we started to be more of a team, enjoying each other's company, commiserating with each other instead of blaming one another, sex. 3. Has it occurred multiple times? No, not really.
Also, sorry to you and frkls. Hope things get better soon.
We haven't been in the best place since our daughter was born in December 2010. I don't know how to describe it other than it's like we forgot to be married to each other as we took on the roles as parents. That maybe doesn't make sense, but I don't know how else to describe it.
Yes, we have. For us, the first year of K's life was really, really hard. H was out of work for a 8 months, then K had some health issues and she was just a fussy baby and then learning the balance of having two kids now instead of one, etc and it was just a HARD year.
one thing that would crop up was our sex life or lack there of. So, this past spring, I committed to doing the deed every other day because if we waited for my libido to dictate things, it could be a while. This has actually helped things a lot. H is happier, I'm happier and it's just better.
H can be short tempered and that has gotten better.
We have definitely had our ups and downs, but I feel like things are on the upswing right now.
1. What "caused" your rough patch? Stress of babies/toddlers, living in a small space, H being indecisive, mopey. Lots of screaming match fights. 2. How did you address it? Kids got older, bought a house, H got a different job, we started to be more of a team, enjoying each other's company, commiserating with each other instead of blaming one another, sex. 3. Has it occurred multiple times? No, not really.
Also, sorry to you and frkls. Hope things get better soon.
You all bought a place? congrats! How is your H liking the new job?
Glad to hear that things seem to be on the upswing for you two.
DH travels for work a lot. When we have rough patches its usually better after a trip. During those times I need space because everything he does annoys the shit out of me. After a week long business trip I'm a lot less salty towards him.
I think you need to talk to him, frkls. Is he doing things for his health problems or is he kind of in denial?
he's doing everything right. sleep studies, cpap, medication, cardiologist, PCP, etc etc etc. it's just that nothing is working
Lord, that must be frustrating. Does he need his tonsils removed? I can see how chronic health issues can add a tremendous amount of stress to a relationship.
I hope things start to get better. Have you thought about counseling? or even something just for you? There should be a support group for spouses or SO in your position.
Yes. The last year has been rough. (We have a 1 year old). Things are starting to get better, slowly but surely. We are both short tempered & we like to be right. We work on compromise daily.
Post by PeonyParty on Jul 10, 2013 21:55:09 GMT -5
Yes. To be totally honest, we took a nice trip down to Savannah for our 5th anniversary about two weeks ago. We went out to a really nice restaurant on our anniversary and during the dinner I kept thinking to myself "Oh my God, this is SO AWKWARD". It's the first time we have had any significant times to ourselves since our daughter was born. I am terrified we'll get so used to being parents together that we will forget how to just be a couple together. All the stress of that actually pushed me into our current rough patch. I feel a lot like what FastHands said, I focus on if it's something that he has done or if it's just me being in a funk. If it's him, I will typically point it out to him. If it's me, I apologize and explain I am just in a mood and that it's not anything he actually did and then ride it out. I am a firm believer in the motto "Fake it till you make it". Like @tambcat, I find that after having our daughter I am a lot less affectionate and my husband just doesn't get it and is always paranoid I have somehow fallen out of love with him because I'm not interested in snuggling or sex, whatever. Sometimes I just want to be left alone, ya know? lol
We've had a couple. The first was our first year as parents. The most recent was this fall and the beginnings of winter. He was frustrated at the world and I was his punching bag, while I was very suspicious and distrustful of him and treated him like a convicted criminal. It took me saying "I'm not happy. I want counseling." to get us to really focus on fixing things. We didn't end up going to counseling, but I certainly see that as an option for a future rough patch.
Post by cuddlyevil on Jul 10, 2013 22:01:42 GMT -5
1. We have had rough patches. Generally one of us feels taken for granted. Right now we are in a rough patch we may not recover from. He has been spending the lions share of his spare time in the evenings doing anything but hang with me and the kids. It has left me feeling disconnected and like he is no longer my partner.
2. I have brought it up for discussion. The last one ended with him telling me he isn't going to change and that I expect too much for our marriage.
3. It has happened before. But usually we can solve it with a date night and a good talk. This time is different and it makes me sad.
We have been together for almost 11 years married for 9.
We had a pretty long rough patch when we were having trouble ttc. After my second m/c everything just kind of went to shit for awhile. We fought all the time and it seemed like we were...distant. So much so that I almost decided I didn't want kids because it wasn't worth it if this was the shit I had to go through. My relationship with my husband is FAR more important to me than having kids. If I had ended up with a 3rd m/c not only was I worried about how we would emotionally handle it, but I knew that would be it kids-wise. We would be done trying.
I think we both just got to a point where we realized the cause of what was happening, addressed it head on and figured it out. It was mostly me being lost in the mindfuck of ttc and losing babies and not acknowledging his pain. My H is an amazing person and I think I just left him to be lost. I really blame myself for all of it.
We are in a great place now but it was not good there for awhile. Everyone talks about how hard the first year of a kids life is on a marriage and that worries me. Not that anything will happen with us but I hate when we have conflict because we really are happy and calm almost all the time. I just worry about him not feeling as important. I try to be open with him about all these feelings and worries so we can be proactive and aware.
frkls - what are his health issues? My H was a HORRIBLE snorer, he ended up having his tonsils, adenoids and some other skin in there removed. His snoring is 90% better. He's not overweight, it's genetic - his dad/brothers, etc.
sleep apnea, restless leg, and weight. mostly the sleep apnea. the doctor thinks the restless leg is just his body waking him up when he stops breathing. he sleeps like crap, so i sleep like crap. he comes home from work in the middle of the day to nap. he falls asleep when he's supposed to be watching the kids, he complains about being tired constantly. if he stops moving, he falls asleep. the poor guy is completely miserable. for me, it just means that i have no help at home, a husband who is too tired to be affectionate or attentive, and i listen to his constant moaning. he also has a heart condition, so i just lie in bed and worry about his heart as i listen to him struggling to breathe. no one has suggested having his tonsils out, but i wish they would. he's on his third sleep study and they're $600 a pop. he's worse now than before he got the cpap. he's just tired and grouchy. his temper is incredibly short with the boys and he is super short with me. everything i say makes him angry because he's so overtired. next sleep study is the 26th
i'm sorry i hijacked
eta: ryan doesnt' sleep through the night, so i get up with him at 2am, then up with jonah at 6am. then i go all day with two kids and the house and church and everything...and listen to how tired he is after his second nap of the day. lol.
Who have you been going to see? I would just mention that you know people who have had bad sleep apnea, had that shit removed and it made a vast improvement for the patient. do they think this is an option for your H? type of thing. It's time to take the bull by the horns here and figure something out because what they have suggested, is not working.
No one should live as your H is and no one should have to be putting up with it like you do.
Post by beautifulfields12 on Jul 10, 2013 22:08:16 GMT -5
Thanks for all the kind words. Sometimes I feel like I am crazy. He is such a great guy and I should not be bothered by anything. We just need to reconnect I guess.
1. What "caused" your rough patch? Stress of babies/toddlers, living in a small space, H being indecisive, mopey. Lots of screaming match fights. 2. How did you address it? Kids got older, bought a house, H got a different job, we started to be more of a team, enjoying each other's company, commiserating with each other instead of blaming one another, sex. 3. Has it occurred multiple times? No, not really.
Also, sorry to you and frkls. Hope things get better soon.
You all bought a place? congrats! How is your H liking the new job?
Glad to hear that things seem to be on the upswing for you two.
Yes, we did or I should say H did. He finally saw something he couldn't pass up, so we have a house. As for the job, I think he likes it okay. He walks for part of his commute though twenty minutes twice a day and he's been saying his hip (he's had surgery in the past on it) is bothering him.
Post by beautifulfields12 on Jul 10, 2013 22:11:08 GMT -5
cuddlyevil, I am sorry you are going through this. It is not fair. I really hope he comes around an expects more from himself in terms of your marriage.
You all bought a place? congrats! How is your H liking the new job?
Glad to hear that things seem to be on the upswing for you two.
Yes, we did or I should say H did. He finally saw something he couldn't pass up, so we have a house. As for the job, I think he likes it okay. He walks for part of his commute though twenty minutes twice a day and he's been saying his hip (he's had surgery in the past on it) is bothering him.
Maybe he needs better shoes for the walk that he can change out of when he gets to work.
Thanks for all the kind words. Sometimes I feel like I am crazy. He is such a great guy and I should not be bothered by anything. We just need to reconnect I guess.
I can understand feeling hurt when it seems your H would rather not spend time with his family. I hope you two are able to reconnect.
Yes, we did or I should say H did. He finally saw something he couldn't pass up, so we have a house. As for the job, I think he likes it okay. He walks for part of his commute though twenty minutes twice a day and he's been saying his hip (he's had surgery in the past on it) is bothering him.
Maybe he needs better shoes for the walk that he can change out of when he gets to work.
Are you enjoying the new house?
Yes, very much. It's labor intensive, but very good.
I have cleared so much brush and weeds from the yard.
And I mow. I've mowed the lawn twice and will be from now on. I like it.
I'd like to paint the outside. Our washer crapped out and I have a nice, new one. And we bought a new TV. All good change.
We haven't been in the best place since our daughter was born in December 2010. I don't know how to describe it other than it's like we forgot to be married to each other as we took on the roles as parents. That maybe doesn't make sense, but I don't know how else to describe it.
I know exactly what you mean, we have been the same way since baby #2
The first year of Sofia's life was by far the worst. He wasn't a very active parent, left me with 99% of the parenting. Things got better, then I had a couple of miscarriages, then things got even worse between us. Basically he was an insensitive jerk, selfish with his time, and a bad husband. I was a terrible wife, ungrateful for the things he DID do, nothing was ever good enough, bitchy, etc. We discussed divorce a few times.
Things got better when we finally sat down once and for all and we decided that neither one of us was going anywhere, so it was time to cut the crap. It took a few months for things to heal between us, but eventually it did and we were back to our old selves. He really truly is an amazing husband and father, but holy shit..that first year as parents is BRUTAL.