Broaching the topic of spanking with the grandparents

[redheadbaker]

I was spanked growing up. My parents used it for even minor things, and at times when it probably wasn't appropriate (for example, just after I had learned to walk and was touching the buttons on the TV). I'm talking swatting the hand, hitting on the butt, and slapping the face (not as a child). She also punched my shoulder once, when I was a teenager.

My parents not only spanked my brother and I, they also spanked their nieces and nephew (my mom's sister's kids). Now, I don't know if my mom and her sister had an agreement on this, but I doubt my mom would have bothered to make sure her sister was ok with my mom hitting her kids.

We don't plan to spank DS at all. Not up for discussion. In the unlikely event we change our minds, no one except us will ever spank him.

I have no doubt my mother would spank DS -- even if I were present in the room, to discipline him myself.

It feels awkward to try to bring the topic up, like, hey FYI, don't hit my kid. But I don't want to wait until it actually happens to talk about it.

WWYD?

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[Deleted]

Just come out and say it. It might be awkward but necessary. I had a convo with my mom about drinking while babysitting.

[orangeblossom]

I think this may just be one of those times you just have to say, we don't condone spanking and expect you not to spank DS. You could soften it if you wanted and said, while we have differing opinions on spanking, we will have a no spanking household and want you to respect that. If you cannot agree to this, your time alone with DS will be limited.

If you didn't want to just bring it up out of the blue, you could wait until DS does something that requires discipline, and when you use whatever method you use and bring it up then. Is she the type that would say something to you right then and there about how you discipline? Without arguing, this could be an opening.

[IIOY]

This is one area where I've become mama bear. I have no problem telling my parents that although they were fine with XYZ for me, that's not how I do things.

I get resistance from my Dad, presumably because he sees this for what it is, a rejection of the way he parented me in certain respects. However, it's a battle I'm willing to wage - no matter how awkward - because it's important to me.

Perhaps you can bring this up while you are with your mom and your DS acts up. Discipline him and then, since it is relevant, tell your mom that you and your SO have decides not to spank and you need her to honor that. You have just modeled for her how you discipline, so it's a sort of twofer.

ETA: orangeblossom and I are on the same wavelength. :-)

[panicked]

Mom, I want to have a talk with you. We have decided to not hit/spank DS. This is not up for discussion. If there is a problem, let me know. Otherwise, try distraction, firm tone, or denial. I know that this may not be something you believe in, but it means a great deal to us. Please respect that. I trust that you will back us up in this decision.

[redheadbaker]

Jul 12, 2013 15:39:23 GMT -5 orangeblossom said:

Is she the type that would say something to you right then and there about how you discipline? Without arguing, this could be an opening.

Yes, she would argue with me, and probably out-and-out ridicule me for the choice.

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[orangeblossom]

Jul 12, 2013 15:43:25 GMT -5 redheadbaker said:

Jul 12, 2013 15:39:23 GMT -5 orangeblossom said:

Is she the type that would say something to you right then and there about how you discipline? Without arguing, this could be an opening.

Yes, she would argue with me, and probably out-and-out ridicule me for the choice.

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Then in that case, I think what panicked wrote above is best.

ETA: I'm sorry she would ridicule you for your parenting choice.

[IIOY]

Jul 12, 2013 15:43:25 GMT -5 redheadbaker said:

Jul 12, 2013 15:39:23 GMT -5 orangeblossom said:

Is she the type that would say something to you right then and there about how you discipline? Without arguing, this could be an opening.

Yes, she would argue with me, and probably out-and-out ridicule me for the choice.

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At this point I'd go nuclear and tell her that there would be limited, fully supervised contact with my child if she couldn't abide. I have no time for direct criticism of my parenting but I'm also not in your shoes, so it's easy for me to say.

[hopecounts]

Jul 12, 2013 15:42:16 GMT -5 panicked said:

Mom, I want to have a talk with you. We have decided to not hit/spank DS. This is not up for discussion. If there is a problem, let me know. Otherwise, try distraction, firm tone, or denial. I know that this may not be something you believe in, but it means a great deal to us. Please respect that. I trust that you will back us up in this decision.

This. You have every right to decide how your LO is going to be disciplined and every right to expect them to respect that.

[panicked]

Jul 12, 2013 15:43:25 GMT -5 redheadbaker said:

Jul 12, 2013 15:39:23 GMT -5 orangeblossom said:

Is she the type that would say something to you right then and there about how you discipline? Without arguing, this could be an opening.

Yes, she would argue with me, and probably out-and-out ridicule me for the choice.

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In that case, I would *highly* suggest telling her exactly what will happen if she hits DS. "If you hit DS, you will not be able to see him until we feel it's okay, and then, only supervised visits for awhile. I'm sorry if this seems harsh or unreasonable to you, but DS is OUR child and we will raise him as we see fit."

[redheadbaker]

Yeah, it's not a conversation I'm looking forward to. We clash on pretty much every topic. I am the family black sheep, and have been my whole life, yet somehow, they're still surprised when we differ.

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[ECB]

Jul 12, 2013 15:48:01 GMT -5 panicked said:

Jul 12, 2013 15:43:25 GMT -5 redheadbaker said:

Yes, she would argue with me, and probably out-and-out ridicule me for the choice.

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In that case, I would *highly* suggest telling her exactly what will happen if she hits DS. "If you hit DS, you will not be able to see him until we feel it's okay, and then, only supervised visits for awhile. I'm sorry if this seems harsh or unreasonable to you, but DS is OUR child and we will raise him as we see fit."

First - I'm REALLY sorry that this is going to be a head butting issue. 

Past that - I agree w/ the above.  I wouldn't even argue or defend my stance. I'd jsut say "this is our choice.  If you don't respect it, you won't see DS.  THAT is your choice....". 

[Alyssa]

When it comes to your child and someone hitting him, I would have no problem telling my mother to not even go there.

"I know you spanked us as kids, but we're not going to do that with ______"




If she protests or makes any type of stink, say it's not up for discussion, absolutely not.

[darnkatz]

You want to have this conversation. Otherwise, you might hear your MIL saying to your child, "If you don't listen to me, I'm going to spank you."
Cue me running in and saying, "You will absolutely NOT be spanking my child." The conversation went on and on, too. I was livid.

I don't trust her, so I told DD1 that no one is allowed to hit her and that she needs to let me know if anyone tries to. I periodically ask her just in case.

[debatethis]

Jul 12, 2013 15:43:25 GMT -5 redheadbaker said:

Jul 12, 2013 15:39:23 GMT -5 orangeblossom said:

Is she the type that would say something to you right then and there about how you discipline? Without arguing, this could be an opening.

Yes, she would argue with me, and probably out-and-out ridicule me for the choice.

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My kid isn't even here yet and my parents are already making similar comments. Apparently I will be responsible for the downfall of society for not smacking my child.

I don't know how to address it w/ your mom, though. I hope you can come up with a very short comment along the lines of Orangeblossom's.

[redheadbaker]

Thanks, everybody.