reason for not going to church today - MD related

[CloudBee]

We're TTC, and the Mother's Day service has always hit a sore spot for me. It took years to get the green light from my drs to TTC, so even though we've only been at it a few months, that want has been there for a long time.

I'm avoiding service today because they always have little kids hand all the adult females flowers as you enter service, and wish them a happy Mother's Day. I hate this. The sentiment is nice, but it's such an awkward moment. The kids shove them at you in a way (they are sweet) that you can't say no. I don't like it. It's an unintentional jab, and brings forward emotion. Top that off with the service usually highlighting the holiday. (Pretty much a given though, right?)

Don't get me wrong, I'm more than happy and willing to celebrate the day for my own family members. We went out to dinner with MIL/FIL last night, and had a great time. I just don't need little kids wishing me Happy Mother's Day when I am not one, and yearn to be.

Anyone else avoid similar situations on Mother's Day? I think the discomfort I'm avoiding is going to outweigh the guilt of not attending service today. I am going to miss not being there for service in general.

Obviously I'm being too sensitive and need to start journaling my feelings. LOL

[315bride]

I don't think you're being too sensitive at all. I get it totally. I'm making sure to make my mom feels extra special today. My grandmother passed last year after a long illness and I know she's going to be a bit sad not having her mom around today. It's always hard for people for various reasons and I can't even imagine how hard it is for those who are having problems conceiving.

I have a hard time on father's day. Mine is still alive, just an asshole.

[drloretta]

Another way to look at it is that you're a waiting mom. You just aren't there yet. Maybe that would help?

[GailGoldie]

i don't think you are being too sensitive... and i wouldn't go to church in that situation either. Hell, i have 3 kids and i didn't go to church today - for other reasons- but your reason is much better than mine.

I hesitate to wish anyone a happy mother's day unless i KNOW they have children... i was amazed at how many people wished me one yesterday and the day before - who didn't know me... they just assumed i had kids.... it made me tihnk about women with IF, losses, etc - and how hard it is for them when people just assume.

(((HUGS))).

[drloretta]

Another option would be to discuss this with your pastor and ask to tone it down. There will be women there who don't want kids, or who have dealt with IF, miscarriages, loss of newborns, etc., for whom it would be particularly hard. Or those whose moms have died.

The churches I've attended in the last few years have acknowledged it but not made it a huge deal.

Just another thought.

[orangeblossom]

As to your feelings, I think they're completely valid. It's hard, and the church I grew up in does something similar and makes a big deal out of Mother's Day. Hugs to you on this day.

I didn't go to church today either, but not for the reasons you described. I didn't go because my mother is deceased, and though this is the third Mother's Day without her, I just wasn't up to it.

I did watch the service online, and saw that they were having a special service/concert later on tonight, but at least the sermon wasn't too emotional for me.

DH and I are in two different places right now, and I called him crying this morning thanks to a text my aunt sent. She totally meant well, telling me and my sister's "We were the light of our mother's eyes" and that she loved us, but it opened the floodgates.

[CloudBee]

May 13, 2012 9:03:15 GMT -5 drloretta said:

Another option would be to discuss this with your pastor and ask to tone it down. There will be women there who don't want kids, or who have dealt with IF, miscarriages, loss of newborns, etc., for whom it would be particularly hard. Or those whose moms have died.

The churches I've attended in the last few years have acknowledged it but not made it a huge deal.

Just another thought.

This is definitely something to consider. I was talking to my husband this morning, and he he an aunt we're really close to who was never able to have children. Everyone in the family knows this is a very sensitive issue for her. He said "what about the older woman who never were able to have children, I bet it's hard for them, too."

It's annoying because I see woman who have never been to one of our MD services before, and if it's your first time, you don't realize that they're giving them to everyone, not just the moms. You see ladies saying "oh, um, I'm not a mom", and the kids still practically force them to take a flower. Then you kind of figure out that they must be giving them to everyone.

I may shoot him an email. Thanks for the suggestion.

Even just a bucket on a table as you enter with a sign that says "happy mother's day, all ladies are welcome to flowers" would be better.

[changedname]

I think it is totally valid and you really need to do what you feel comfortable with. My mother is deceased and today is always really hard for me. Last year I was on a business trip so luckily had something to take my mind of it but this morning Ihad a big meltdown to DH. We are also ttc so that plays a part too.

Dh has gone with his family to celebrate, I just am not strong enough to watch someone else with their mom today. It's too painful for me. There is no way I could go to a Mother's day church service. I would be a mess.

[marshmallowevening]

I understand your feelings. We're starting adoption process after infertility, and I'm dreading church today for the same reason. You're not being too sensitive! Hugs!

[Deleted]

I'm glad I'm not alone in this sentiment.

I'm also dreading going to MIL's today. My SIL is pregnant with her first (after trying for only 2 months), and it can be hard to be around her, especially when she says "you'll understand when you're pregnant" in a smug tone (which is happening with increased frequency)

I know she's just excited, and I'm excited for her and to meet my new niece. Don't get earring--i'm excited too, but I'm also irrationally jealous and am trying my damnedest not to show it. DH and I have been trying for almost a year with no success ( although this is info we do not share with family.)

Thanks for letting me vent.

[rex]

I dont go to church but mothers day is a sensitive topic for me this year. I'm avoiding everyone, so I don't blame you for avoiding that church service. You're not being too sensitive.

[rubytue]

May 13, 2012 8:55:20 GMT -5 GailGoldie said:

I hesitate to wish anyone a happy mother's day unless i KNOW they have children... i was amazed at how many people wished me one yesterday and the day before - who didn't know me... they just assumed i had kids.... it made me tihnk about women with IF, losses, etc - and how hard it is for them when people just assume.

(((HUGS))).

I agree with this. As a 30-something, married female without kids, its so odd to be this weekend because everyone wishes me a happy mother's day. The cashier at the grocery store, random people on the street, even Southwest was offering free drinks to mom's flying today. I think back to my friend who lost her first child, and how hard it must be for some people.

I have my own hard time with mother's day - mostly b/c my mother is a diagnosable form of BSC. So I pretty much bury my head in the sand and pretend the day doesn't exist.

But I don't blame you (OP) for wanting to skip the service. Why put yourself out there for something you know will be painful? *hugs*

[badtzmaru22]

I totally hear you. Even though I have a baby now, I still feel weird today. I hated Mother's Day while having trouble TTC, and last year had a m/c and was angry at the world/God for a long time, and skipped church on MD. Even this year, we went to Saturday night mass, and they still did a blessing for the "mothers and motherly figures" but it felt like less of a big deal than the Sunday service.

[clickerish]

Makes sense to me. My mother and I have no relationship because she's certifiable (for real). I need no reminders of this fact.

[barefootcontessa]

I am sorry for your heartache. It sounds like it would be better for your stay home and focus your energy on honoring your own family. Hopefully next year will be different for you.

[Roc A Bee]

My mom died 13 years ago. I don't like today either.

[pacificrules]

Your reason seems completely valid to me. That would be really awkward/hurtful. I was bummed our church didn't do anything to acknowledge moms, but then realized that that was more thoughtful since so it can be such a sensitive holiday for many. I'm sorry for your struggles!

[Deleted]

CB, I am sorry that you are going through this, and I'm sorry that going to church on Mother's Day is so painful for you. I totally agree with PPs re: speaking to your pastor about it, because you can't be the only person uncomfortable with the way the church goes about recognizing mothers (and adult women who are not mothers).

After reading this thread, I really appreciate that our pastor mentioned today that while Mother's Day is a happy day for many, it can be painful for several reasons: if you've lost your mom, if you've lost your child, if you have a strained relationship, if you want to be a mother but can't, etc.

[BNL2]

Your feelings are perfectly understandable. We're having TTTC and this day has been hard for me too. I've just avoided everyone and plan to stay in my home all day.

I will admit to eating a free dessert yesterday because it was a mother's day special. The server said "do you want your free dessert for mother's day?" and I stumbled over my words before saying yes to cheesecake. If they're going to be assholes by assuming I'm a mother, I'm going to take advantage of it. Somehow it made me feel a little better. I don't care if this confession turns into cheesecake gate.

[Deleted]

May 13, 2012 16:15:03 GMT -5 BNL2 said:

I will admit to eating a free dessert yesterday because it was a mother's day special. The server said "do you want your free dessert for mother's day?" and I stumbled over my words before saying yes to cheesecake. If they're going to be assholes by assuming I'm a mother, I'm going to take advantage of it. Somehow it made me feel a little better. I don't care if this confession turns into cheesecake gate.

I think it's pretty ridiculous to assume that every adult woman is a mother. I'm sorry you were subjected to that, but I'm glad you got free cheesecake out of it.

[BNL2]

May 13, 2012 16:25:01 GMT -5 @redbellpeppers said:

May 13, 2012 16:15:03 GMT -5 BNL2 said:

I will admit to eating a free dessert yesterday because it was a mother's day special. The server said "do you want your free dessert for mother's day?" and I stumbled over my words before saying yes to cheesecake. If they're going to be assholes by assuming I'm a mother, I'm going to take advantage of it. Somehow it made me feel a little better. I don't care if this confession turns into cheesecake gate.

I think it's pretty ridiculous to assume that every adult woman is a mother. I'm sorry you were subjected to that, but I'm glad you got free cheesecake out of it.

Thanks RBP. It was delicious too

[lala]

Heck, I have kids, and I was so grateful that my church doesn't make a big deal out of it. As I kid the church I went to gave flowers to the women on mother's day and some other "manly" gift to the men on father's day. My Dad didn't often come to church with us, so I always felt so uncomfortable and embraced as a kid. I was saying to DH as we left church that I was so glad our current church doesn't do all of that. I can't imagine how hard it must be on lots of folks.