Older Cousins are mean

[Deleted]

DS is 4.5 and really looks up to his cousin that is 9, loves to play with him and be around him.  Cousin J  has a mild form of autism (school has labeled him as such) but the parent's don't talk about it and his angry behavior.  Like, he will be playing with DS and then just body chuck him to the ground for no reason and walk away.  He will also tell DS that he's doing things wrong, and that Cousin J can do everything so much better.  He's a little bully.  We are always watching like a hawk and will step in and discipline Cousin J because his parent's don't do shit.  They don't ask him to stop or if they do it's a "oh, yeah J, stop that please" and then continue on with their conversation.  He doesn't listen and they ignore it.  I understand that he is struggling but does that give him a right to be a total dick to my kid?  

DD is 2.5, her Cousin E is 4.5.  Cousin E walked around last weekend and told everyone in the family to play the game of ignoring my daughter.  Of course no one went along with it, but the mom just said, "Oh, haha Cousin E is just playing a little game".  WTF? This behavior is now consistent from her too!  The parent's don't give a shit that their kids are just plain mean to ours.  We literally have to discipline their kids the whole time.  

We are going to take a step back from family functions when they are there.  I don't see this ending well, the parent's aren't the type for any sort of constructive criticism...

Anyone else go through this?  I hope their kids just outgrow it.  We are actively talking to our kids about standing up for themselves and telling us if anyone is being mean to them.  They don't fully get it yet, and they are the youngest kids so they really look up to their cousins.

It really sucks

[Deleted]

Also, cousin J is having a kid's birthday party tomorrow and all of the other cousins are invited except our kids. If DS knew, he would be heartbroken

[wambam]

My older cousins were all like this. I don't know what it is, but I felt very bullied as a kid by them. I looked up to one in particular and he tormented me until we moved to the other side of the state. I'm so sorry for your kiddos

[spedrunner]

the older cousin may not KNOW how to play, he may want to and not realize he is being rough. Many time children with autism having difficulty playing with others, they want to, they just dont know how to.......its difficult since parents are in denial, but modeling appropriate play would def help....unfortunately not much you can do unless parents get on board

I am sorry your DS is being bullied Do something fun instead of the party on your own. Wow, why was nt he invited??

[hopecounts]

what spedrunner said.
If J is on spectrum he likely has trouble understanding social interacton and where the line between goofing around and hurting someone is. He also may have trouble appropriately expressing his feelings so if he gets frustrated or tired of playing with your son instead of just saying that he gets physical.
Now of course his parents should be better supervising and managing him to help head this off and help him learn better skills.

[Deleted]

I know that Cousin J is struggling to make friends at school. I really do feel for him. I blame the parents for not stepping up and working with him. For the last 2 summers his teachers have suggested that he stay in summer school because he always struggles socially with adjusting at the beginning of the year. Each year they have put him in the town's rec program Then, he struggles.

Ugh, it sucks so bad.

[Deleted]

Jul 19, 2013 7:33:57 GMT -5 hopecounts said:

what spedrunner said.
If J is on spectrum he likely has trouble understanding social interacton and where the line between goofing around and hurting someone is. He also may have trouble appropriately expressing his feelings so if he gets frustrated or tired of playing with your son instead of just saying that he gets physical.
Now of course his parents should be better supervising and managing him to help head this off and help him learn better skills.

I totally get it.  I see how he is affected by it and I know better than to take it personally or hold him to the same standards as my other 9 year old nephew.

I just don't want my kid to think it's normal to be treated that way.  He's starting to understand and stand up for himself but it's still hard to watch your kid constantly get bullied

[mandy0810]

Our nephew(8) is mean to our oldest daughter who's also 4.5. She loves him so much and always wants to play with him when we go visit (we live 1.5hrs from our parents) and he's always at our inlaws house because our BIL lives with them. His dad doesn't displine him at all so I tell him to stop being mean and pretty much displine him. He says that I'm mean and that I don't like him.....honestly, I'm starting not to really like being around him. He has no issues, but a serious lack of discipline. Good luck with your kids and I'm sorry that they are being mistreated by their cousins too.

[hopecounts]

Jul 19, 2013 7:50:10 GMT -5 calamity said:

Jul 19, 2013 7:33:57 GMT -5 hopecounts said:

what spedrunner said.
If J is on spectrum he likely has trouble understanding social interacton and where the line between goofing around and hurting someone is. He also may have trouble appropriately expressing his feelings so if he gets frustrated or tired of playing with your son instead of just saying that he gets physical.
Now of course his parents should be better supervising and managing him to help head this off and help him learn better skills.

I totally get it.  I see how he is affected by it and I know better than to take it personally or hold him to the same standards as my other 9 year old nephew.

I just don't want my kid to think it's normal to be treated that way.  He's starting to understand and stand up for himself but it's still hard to watch your kid constantly get bullied

I get that. Have you explained to him that J has a condition that makes him act badly? 
I know there is an Arthur show about being friends with a kid on the spectrum maybe see if there are other kid friendly resources. And of course remind him that he can tell J that he is being mean/hurting him and if it continues he can stop playing with him.
Typical kids are a great resource for helping kids on spectrum learn appropriate behavior by modeling it. So maybe put it to him that way to that by nicely letting J know when he isn't acting right he's helping J learn.
Of course you know your kid and how he'll take this stuff best so if you think it might make it harder for him to distance himself from J as necessary trust your judgment.

[Deleted]

Jul 19, 2013 7:27:19 GMT -5 spedrunner said:

Wow, why was nt he invited??

No idea.  I don't know if J said that he didn't want him there or if his parents are noticing that we are always disciplining their kids and they don't like it?

DS seriously would be so crushed if he knew.  We have a lot of fun things planned this weekend with the kids and are stepping back from family functions so hopefully he won't find out.

[Deleted]

Thanks hopecounts  I will try to find that Arthur show. 

ETA-  The parent's wont even use the "A" word because they don't want him to be "labeled".  I think it's a total disservice to J.  DS doesn't exactly know how to keep secrets (he's only 4) so I feel like we have to tread carefully or the parents will get upset.  This whole situations sucks man.

[auntie]

What a difficult situation. All around. Your son deserves better treatment in this situation. 

As spedrunner mentioned, he isn't going to have the play and self regulation skills one would expect given his age. Autism is a developmental delay that puts social and emotional maturity at about 1/2 the child's chronological age. Your little boy is on the verge of bypassing this kid in terms of these skills and I wonder if the cousin is intuiting and reacting to the unfairness of it. That's probably at the root of a lot of his rules and pronouncements that he's "better" at things.

Have you discussed this with the parents? Can you ask them to share tips for helping to facilitate play? Have they shared the dx with the son which could allow you share the dx with your child so he understands better? I can appreciate that this frustrates you and would suggest either stepping in to monitor their play or limiting their interaction. 

The other thing is that it might be better if you tried not judge. I know when I'm with family, I try to take a break from being "autism-mom". I don't share the details of DS's IEP or private therapy with relatives outside of my mom and my niece who is his guardian. If DS had a bad situation in a family member's home, we might do a social autopsy once we were safely home.

FWIW, DS's psychologist would suggest a recreation/day camp in lieu of summer school for a kid on spectrum with a "mild" presentation. 


It hurts that you kids were left out- are they much younger than the other kids invited? Are the parents hoping to avoid the douchey behavior their son has around your son? But your reaction reminds me of the old Woody Allen joke-


"this restaurant's food is really terrible"
"yes, and the portions are so small"

[auntie]

Jul 19, 2013 8:05:13 GMT -5 calamity said:

Thanks hopecounts  I will try to find that Arthur show. 

ETA-  The parent's wont even use the "A" word because they don't want him to be "labeled".  I think it's a total disservice to J.  DS doesn't exactly know how to keep secrets (he's only 4) so I feel like we have to tread carefully or the parents will get upset.  This whole situations sucks man.

Ugh. I hate this label nonsense. If you don't provide a label for a kid, one will be provided for you. Like brat, ass or poorly parented. This so doesn't work.

Plus, if the boy is truly higher functioning, he already knows he isn't like other kids. Why not empower him with the proper terminology for his issues so he can grow into his own best advocate.

Still, you might be able to talk with your kid about how we all have different things that are easy/hard and discuss cousin's challenges in that context.

[oliviapope]

Lurker here, but we had the exact same thing happen to us except the parents were our best friends. We have rules and behavior expectations and they are very permissive. It sucks.

We basically had to tell them we had to take a break because of it. Then we moved OOS. They visited for a week at spring break and it was so bad it pretty much ruined our friendship and we will never have them back. Their kids were so mean and bullied my kids that my 4 yr old was crying at his preschool because he didn't want to go home because they were there.

It was so bad. I have no advice but to step back. The parents just don't get it despite repeated conversations. They think I am too strict and discipline their kids. Good luck.

[Deleted]

Thanks everyone, these responses help.

auntie It seems like maturity wise, J and DS are about the same age.  They were getting along before but J is being more physical now and it makes us worry about DS's safety.  He will mostly push him down or hit him when he thinks that we are far enough out of view to see it.  I feel like I am constantly lurking in the bushes to make sure he doesn't hurt my kid.

@cse1960 my kids can be turds to each other, I get that it is mean kid stuff.  The problem being like you said that they don't discipline their own kids. I think part of it for me is because I had a friend when I was younger that was really mean to me but I wanted a friend so I put up with it.    I want my kids to stand up for themselves and not take crap from people.  I'm projecting and I need to keep that in mind.

[snickers]

I'm sorry that's really hard.
I don't blame you for wanting to limit interaction with that cousin, or heavily supervising their interaction because it doesn't sound like his parents will do it.

[hopecounts]

Jul 19, 2013 8:05:13 GMT -5 calamity said:

Thanks hopecounts  I will try to find that Arthur show. 

ETA-  The parent's wont even use the "A" word because they don't want him to be "labeled".  I think it's a total disservice to J.  DS doesn't exactly know how to keep secrets (he's only 4) so I feel like we have to tread carefully or the parents will get upset.  This whole situations sucks man.

Ugh that does make things even harder.
could you avoid saying J has the "a word" and just that he has challenges like someone with the A word?
and yes they are really doing J a disservice, if they talked to y'all about it then perhaps you could work together to help J and your son better enjoy playing together and avoid/eliminate some if the physical stuff. 

[EmilieMadison]

Sounds like it's best to limit interaction, especially based on the parent's attitudes because honestly, it sounds like cousin J's parents are the one's who are the dickwads here.

[sparkythelawyer]

Jul 19, 2013 6:44:51 GMT -5 calamity said:

Also, cousin J is having a kid's birthday party tomorrow and all of the other cousins are invited except our kids. If DS knew, he would be heartbroken

According to rehabaddict, you should just show up with both kids :-)

KIDDING.

[sparkythelawyer]

Jul 19, 2013 6:44:51 GMT -5 calamity said:

Also, cousin J is having a kid's birthday party tomorrow and all of the other cousins are invited except our kids. If DS knew, he would be heartbroken

Why do you want your kids hanging out with these assholes again?

[Deleted]

Jul 19, 2013 12:43:41 GMT -5 sparkythelawyer said:

Jul 19, 2013 6:44:51 GMT -5 calamity said:

Also, cousin J is having a kid's birthday party tomorrow and all of the other cousins are invited except our kids. If DS knew, he would be heartbroken

Why do you want your kids hanging out with these assholes again?

We don't!  H and I are happy we don't have to go.

But I wouldn't put it past Cousin J to tell DS about it to make him feel bad.