talking to my 2.5 year old toddler about death

[sonrisa]

I know this has come up before. I just want to check in. FIL is under hospice care at home but not actively dying. Mostly just sleeping. MIL wants me *and* DD to come visit later this week. Mostly dd will play with her but she will either see FIL or know he is nearby. Unfortunately FIL never got a diagnosis so I can't say "it's cancer" or whatever. I'd previously said he was sick and daddy was helping him, but that was when the leading diagnoses were treatable. Obviously those were wrong. I was thinking of saying something like:

"Grandad is dying. That means we can only see him a little bit this visit and there will come a time when we won't get to see him anymore." Then, if she asks, add that mommy, daddy, nana, and grandma are not dying and she will still get to see us lots. Or whatever.

I don't want to deal with discussing the afterlife yet. I want to keep things simple and I don't want to talk about sickness and make her fearful of colds (or of mommy's 'sick days' or sleeping extra because of my pregnancy.)

Yea? Nay? thoughts?

[Deleted]

Remind me how old she is?

[sonrisa]

Jul 24, 2013 1:53:38 GMT -5 @otterama said:

Remind me how old she is?

2.5 and very verbal. I expect a lot of questions.

[karmasabiotch]

Such a hard topic. I would be careful about using the word sick because kids understand that and become fearful of anyone getting sick. I would probably talk about him bring older.

Hospice can suggest some age appropriate children's books yo get the conversations started.

[sonrisa]

I'm not going to use the word sick going forward. Unfortunately I used it in the past when this looked treatable. I also want to be careful about any insinuation that "older = death" because I don't want her thinking nana and grandma are likely to die soon too. They are very close. That's why I wanted to jump straight to calling a spade a spade and saying he's dying. She asks more 'what' and 'how' questions than 'why' at this age.

I'll talk to hospice. I have a great book for kids on death, but not on dying.

[mrsukyankee]

This is a great book on dying/death for kids

I'm not sure if it works with 2.5 year olds but it's one a lot of my friends have used.

[MixedBerryJam]

Hospice can definitely help with this. I don't have any advice for this delicate situation, but can I also say not to mention death as "going away". Maybe after-the-fact something like "Grampa died. Died means his body isn't alive any more so he can't talk with us or play with us anymore and it's okay to feel sad about this." I wouldn't be reluctant to talk about Grampa being sick though. I'm very sorry your family is dealing with this.

[revolution]

Definitely ask hospice for advice, they really helped me be able to talk to DD when my dad was dying and she was almost 3.

Keep it simple. Be honest. I would explain it simply and follow her lead with the follow up discussions.

If your FIL is having a 'good day', definitely let her interact with him. It will be good for all of you.

When my dad did pass, we were honest with DD and told her that grandpa died and that we were going to say goodbye to him. We also told her that after we said goodbye (at the funeral) we wouldn't be able to see him anymore but we could talk to him anytime, we just can't see him or hear him but he could hear us. IMO, it is also important for kids to know it is ok to be sad and cry and also remember him with smiles and laughs.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is hard enough as an adult and then to try to explain it to a young child. Feel free to PM me if you want to.

[hbear]

This is really hard, and I don't have advice. But I think talking with hospice is a great idea.

I also think how much you say depends upon your child, not just her age. You know better what she can handle.
My gut says 2.5 is too young, I probably wouldn't say anything until after he passes, but I don't actually know.

[RitzyHeifer]

Jul 24, 2013 2:17:01 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

I'm not going to use the word sick going forward. Unfortunately I used it in the past when this looked treatable. I also want to be careful about any insinuation that "older = death" because I don't want her thinking nana and grandma are likely to die soon too. They are very close. That's why I wanted to jump straight to calling a spade a spade and saying he's dying. She asks more 'what' and 'how' questions than 'why' at this age.

I'll talk to hospice. I have a great book for kids on death, but not on dying.

I agree with not equating older to dying (but mine is a morbid reason that several people have died young/unexpectedly in my family so DS is very aware that people can die any time).

I hope the hospice center has some good resources for you.  DS was only 4 months old when we had a relative who went through a long period of dying so like you, I can talk about death pretty easily but the process leading up to it isn't something I am experienced with.

[cleo29]

This is tough, but I go for honesty. I had to explain to C about my dad and she still asks questions. Or she gets confused and mentions seeing him, like he will wake up, and I have to gently tell her that no, he is not coming back.

When she asked me why, I just told her the truth, that people die, sometimes when they are young and sometimes when they are old. Sometimes they are sick and sometimes it is an accident.

If she already knows that he was sick, i would not stray from that explanation. I would explain that it was different than when you get a cold or tummy ache.

I really think keeping things simple, but honest is best. Follow up questions will be coming and sometimes randomly, but I think it is best to try and answer as best you can.

[Deleted]

I got a really good book on Amazon that hasn't been mentioned that I will try to find the name of for you. My step dad passed last year and now my uncle is on hospice. We are going out to see him in a few weeks and we have started having similar discussions with my son. We go to church so ours center around god and how Papa went to heaven and how he is with god now. Papa was a huge Gardner and we tell DS that Papa is working on gods garden and keeping it nice for him. We tell him that when we see butterflies ( my step dad was an entomologist and loved them) that that is gods way of letting us know papa is ok.

We have started talking about my uncle and how he has an owie in his chest and it is hard for him to breathe. DS has seen him many times on oxygen. We have started talking about how uncle J is getting special care as he is getting ready to go be with god. We talk a lot about what special jobs god will give my uncle to do and the latest theme has been that he will be fixing gods cars and trucks. (He used to restore cars and bikes and DS loved looking at all his tools, etc..)

[Deleted]

This is the book we got. linkhttp://www.amazon.com/The-Next-Place-Warren-Hanson/dp/0931674328/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1374687980&sr=8-3&keywords=the+next+life#_

[evynsmama]

I am sorry your family is going through this.

We lost a baby earlier this year and DD new all about the baby in my tummy and had seen pictures and stuff. So not the same as a grandpa or someone a child has interacted with but what we told DD was that the baby wasn't healthy and God decided the baby would be healthier in heaven with him. She asked Why and I said sometimes babies just aren't healthy enough to be born, so God takes them to heaven. She asked if we could go see the baby at God's house and I told her no, heaven is too far away. We lost the baby in February and she will bring up the baby from time to time and ask me where it is, the other day she asked if we could call God and ask him to give the baby back to us. She has asked why she can't go to heaven and I just tell her she can go when she's an old lady.
She knows her daddy and I were sad but she was never sad, just curious.

Not sure if you are religious but I found being able to say the baby is somewhere very far away other than just dead was an easier concept for her to grasp.

[mirandahobbes]

Here is a good resource that has some explanations of what she may be thinking:

www.cc.nih.gov/ccc/patient_education/pepubs/childeath.pdf‎