He's really good re: housework and cooking and whatnot. But he will leave the TV on all the time. I actually have to ask him to turn it off if he's trying to talk to me about something serious because it's so distracting. And then one day when we were visiting the ILs, I realized why - his mom has the TV on all.the.time.
Post by thejackpot on Jun 18, 2012 12:05:49 GMT -5
Well my dh can and does do a great job of taking care of himself but he is not the best with working as a team. Where I was raised having dish night where you were responsible for doing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen my dh only cleans up if he made the mess. Drives me crazy. He is known for washing single glasses/plates. NO sweetie the pots and pans were used to make your plate clean them mofos too.
There is so much .... but, I will say I *do* think my H is awesome. There are things I would prefer to be different, but overall? He's learned some of these along the way ... but just some. He is a caveman in other areas, lol!
Do not treat your bio daughter in such a way that makes your adopted son feel different or excluded
Get your child counseling to deal with the issues he has (and I'm sure everyone who is adopted) with respect to his adoption.
Teach him to eat like a civilized human being! Certainly, I don't need to hear your crunch your tortilla chips or slurp your fucking soup!!
This one is for his dad: Teach him how to be a gentleman. Make conversation when eating; walk on the street side of the sidewalk, don't walk ahead of your wife!! Also, just because your son is bigger than the average kid, doesn't mean he can take bigger beating. Or any beating...physical and verbal.
For both: Please model a healthy relationship. He did not learn communication between spouses. He has come so far (we both have, to be honest) and it's awesome.
"Not gonna lie; I kind of keep expecting you to post one day that you threw down on someone who clearly had no idea that today was NOT THEIR DAY." ~dontcallmeshirley
I dunno....I'm pretty happy overall. He cleans more than I do, and he's great with the kids. I just wish he could fix things around the house. I owned more tools than he did when we got together.
Overall, they did good. H may not be the best at household chores, but frankly, neither am I.
What I would tell both MIL and FIL is that they should've taught H how to open his mail. He will check the mail and then just stick it on a pile with the rest of the unopened mail and never ever open any of it. He thinks everything is junk mail. Even when I show him a check or something important that we got in the mail, it doesn't phase him at all. Early on I saw that FIL does the same thing at their house.
Ditto. Your son is not YOUR life partner, no matter how much you want him to be. Let him go and have his own family/life without feeling like it is his job to be your significant other too. (note, she's still happily married, but his mom seems to like her son better).
You know, I can't complain at all. The things that annoy me about DH are no fault of his mom and easily over-looked. I would say he's a mama's boy - they are incredibly close and he adores his mom (and I love her too), but she didn't do things for him so much as they did things together - her daily activities,etc. It all rubbed off and it has made for a great husband. DH does more than his fair share of housework, most of the cooking, just about all of the grocery shopping. He loves gardening, mowing the lawn - he's not very messy. He's organized. DH probably would like to go back in time a give my mom a few suggestions........LOL
He's really good re: housework and cooking and whatnot. But he will leave the TV on all the time. I actually have to ask him to turn it off if he's trying to talk to me about something serious because it's so distracting. And then one day when we were visiting the ILs, I realized why - his mom has the TV on all.the.time.
omg this too. My freakin MIL turned the tv on DURING MY SON'S FIRST BDAY PARTY! I was pisssssed.
I have zero complaints about my husband. He cooks, cleans, does his own laundry, goes to the store, has a job, is a level-headed and responsible person...I am SO fucking lucky it's not even funny.
Everything I would say to my MIL has everything to do with her, not my H.
Healthy foods are not inherently evil, and you don't have to absolutely love something to be able to eat it.
Luckily, I broke him of that already, but it was a rough battle while we were dating. Other than that, H is pretty darn good. He cooks, cleans, and all of that. His one vice is he likes to take his socks off when he gets in bed and throw them across the room. Of course he NEVER hits the laundry basket. Ever.
Post by basilosaurus on Jun 18, 2012 16:35:14 GMT -5
H doesn't pick up after himself. He doesn't even see spills (or if he does, doesn't see the need to wipe them up). But I don't think that's the fault of his mom since my housekeeping skills are similarly poor, and my mom was anal about inspecting our work after chores.
I think teaching him to cook would have been good. He's willing, but he's just not experienced at all.
Overall, though, no complaints. She took him to live in Asia as a kid, role modeled a strong female leader, taught him all sorts of feministy stuff. I like it!
Well my dh can and does do a great job of taking care of himself but he is not the best with working as a team. Where I was raised having dish night where you were responsible for doing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen my dh only cleans up if he made the mess. Drives me crazy. He is known for washing single glasses/plates. NO sweetie the pots and pans were used to make your plate clean them mofos too.
Thank goodness I'm not the only one whose DH does this too. Drives mebatty.
I would tell her to stop manipulating him and always making him feel guilty. H is such an amazing man (the best one I know), but he allows himself to be manipulated by his mother and grandmother, and feels such guilt when he doesn't accomodate them. It stresses him out and I hate it!
Post by curmudgeon on Jun 18, 2012 20:29:11 GMT -5
That it is ok for a man to earn a living. Overall they did great, but since his mom supports his dad so he can indulge whatever whim hits him, and since I have supported H most of our married life (school, crappy jobs and school again) I am a little concerned about being the primary breadwinner for forever. Otherwise, growing up with two sisters and a dad who cooks has been a godsend for me.
DH is pretty good with the cleaning - better than me, really, because I leave piles of mail about or toss my clothes on the floor sometimes. He really should have been taught to cook though, but I suspect I can't blame her for what SHE doesn't know.
Oh, and while he's good at picking up clutter and washing clothes or dishes, he simply does not understand that tubs need to be cleaned. Or sinks. Or stoves. Or refrigerators... He sees clutter and disorder, but he doesn't see grime!
DH is pretty awesome in spite of his parents. I would tell them both to grow the fuck up and parent him. Don't make him be the parent when you two go out and party. Teach him to be assertive and not let people walk all over him.
Post by Scout'sHonor on Jun 18, 2012 21:40:45 GMT -5
That you can't just stick dishes in the sink (if they even make it there) for the sink fairy to take care of. His mom always did the rinsing and loading of the dishwasher and I can't stand the sink getting piled up.
MIL did an awesome job of raising DH, despite the prick she was married to. DH is way better at cleaning up than I am, sometimes I wonder why he keeps me around. What I would tell MIL is to get DH and SIL away from FIL faster than she did. FIL was abusive to DH until MIL packed up the kids and left. MIL and FIL were divorced when DH was 13, and he now knows that his dad is the fucked up one, but it still affects him somewhat. Even now DH struggles with the relationship he and FIL have. I've told him that I don't think I would put any effort into a relationship with someone who dragged me down the stairs by my hair because a friend broke the lawn sprinkler.
Show your son you love him, don't just tell him. And for heaven's sake, don't make it so obvious that you favored one child over the other (hell, that ish has even continued into adulthood!)
My MIL has even come to me "confessing" that she feels terrible about how much she and her husband basically left H to his own devices because he was always "the smart, dependable, independent one" while his sister was rebellious and flighty, but it's still the same to this day.
And it's not just attention. My ILs showered my SIL with fancy gifts her entire life, while H barely got anything. As children growing up, SIL would often get fun toys, video games, and the like at Christmas while H got...socks.
It's continued into adulthood. When SIL got married, her parents footed the entire, extravagant bill. We didn't so much as get an offer of help from them. And when SIL had her baby, my ILs bought her her entire nursery set. When H and I got pregnant, we got a $45 bouncy seat.
I completely understand that no one has to give us gifts and after knowing his parents, I don't expect much from them. But if there is one moment I wish I could forever erase from my memory it's the look on my husband's face when he saw that all his parents did for his son was give him a cheapass bouncy seat while distant cousins from my side gave us a co-sleeper, a car seat, and the like. He was so hurt and so disappointed. And I think that's part of the reason I tend to go so over-the-top for his birthday, Father's Day, or Christmas. I feel bad that he never had those "OH WOW!" moments as a kid.
In terms of little things, I'd also tell her not to be such a slob, because it's a habit her son picked up on. I've noticed this because she's been helping us watch our son (after feeling guilty because my mom was doing it, not necessarily because she offered!) and every time she comes over, she leaves my house in a total mess. Dirty dishes in the sink, remnants of food on the dining room table and floor, spilled milk on the counter that she can't be bothered to wipe up with a paper towel. It's disgusting (and has actually contributed to an ant problem, woo!) and it's completely made me understand why H is so damn sloppy. So frustrating.