Living with my stepmother was like living with Satan. She would talk very poorly of my mother all the time, and still does. She is definitely the jealous type, and never let my father do anything with me, like take me out to lunch or anything without her screaming at him, etc. (dad should have grown a pair of balls, but whatever). And when we were all living together, her son was exempt from household responsibilities/chores, while I was practically a slave. She also encouraged my stepbrother to be an asshole to me as well.
End Rant.
I can't see you doing any/all of this. But here are some suggestions 1. Don't do any of the disciplining for quite a while. Leave that up to Dad 2. Be friendly and patient, it's a massive adjustment for them as much as it is for you 3. Do not talk badly about their mom, EVEN if they initiate it, just be understanding.
My stepmom's child, whom I happen to adore, so it's easier to swallow, is treated completely differently than I was. I was not allowed to be in the home after 17, she doesn't want him to leave for college/expects/wants him to stay at their house for free in the summers. I could go on and on with my green beast of envy. Also, she wouldn't buy me a stitch of clothing after 15, I bought my own. She makes sure that he's fashioned-out. I really think, in most, not all cases, kids should live with their mothers. Simply because, when a mother IS good, she's mama bear, and kids need that. I've seen too many dads give their balls away.
Like this times a thousand. My stepmother recently demanded my father to use some of the money he inherited from selling my grandparent's house that he was going to give FI and I for the wedding to buy a speedboat and vacations for the both of them instead. And to buy shit for her son.
I can pay for the wedding on my own, but I'm bitter about the principle.
My steps were older when DH and I started dating/got married (10, 12, 13).
Regarding discipline, what work for us is setting house rules and consequences. DH was the one to let the kids know them know about them and then said that just because he wasn't around didn't mean they didn't have to follow them. That part of my role in the house was to make sure things ran smoothly and that meant following making the rules were followed.
And these weren't complicated rules. It was stuff like, keep your hands and feet to yourself/do not lay your hands on anyone without their permission, don't talk badly to others/talk to others as you would like to be talked to, pick up after yourself, think before you act type stuff.
So I was involved in discipline since it was more of my enforcing what had been laid out before. If something new/different came up, then DH handled it when he got home from work.
But like PPs have said, not being negative about the biological parent, not trying to force relationships/ following the kid's lead on how close he wants to be, not freaking out when you get the "you're not my mom so you can't tell me what to do/I don't have to listen to you?" type stuff, basically being a calm and safe place for him to come and talk. It can be amazing what a kid will tell their step parent that they won't tell their parents.
I'm just going to have to agree with a lot that has been said. My SD is 17 and it was reeeealy rocky in the beginning. I met her when she was 11 and it was really challenging for a while. It was a lot that I was doing wrong, too. Now we are on great terms and I think she is a fantastic kid. I am, however, really sad with what she has to deal with when she isn't with us I will have to agree on the not speaking ill of the biomom. It's something that is a real, huge challenge for me. Her mom is the most selfish, delusional person I've every met. It's infuriating. I also think its important to make sure that SS and H get time by themselves. That can sometimes get left behind and I know SD loves her time alone with dad (even if she wont admit it) Try and be an authority figure but also someone that they can confide in. SD tells me things that I don't necessarily feel I need to repeat to H. She trusts me and I love that. I know if something is really wrong, she can let me know and I can try to fix it myself before we get dad or mom involved. You're going to do great. It's not easy, but it's worth it. Good luck!
I'm just going to have to agree with a lot that has been said. My SD is 17 and it was reeeealy rocky in the beginning. I met her when she was 11 and it was really challenging for a while. It was a lot that I was doing wrong, too. Now we are on great terms and I think she is a fantastic kid. I am, however, really sad with what she has to deal with when she isn't with us I will have to agree on the not speaking ill of the biomom. It's something that is a real, huge challenge for me. Her mom is the most selfish, delusional person I've every met. It's infuriating. I also think its important to make sure that SS and H get time by themselves. That can sometimes get left behind and I know SD loves her time alone with dad (even if she wont admit it) Try and be an authority figure but also someone that they can confide in. SD tells me things that I don't necessarily feel I need to repeat to H. She trusts me and I love that. I know if something is really wrong, she can let me know and I can try to fix it myself before we get dad or mom involved. You're going to do great. It's not easy, but it's worth it. Good luck!
not speaking ill vs speaking highly. like I said, sometimes it is impossible to find anything positive to say, so I say nothing. that does not make me or you a bad person, just a person dealing with a sucky situation