Stepmothering advice?

[Bernadine]

If you had a stepmom, or are a stepmom, or anyone else, lol.  I know I'm not technically a stepmom yet, but since we're living together, I feel like I've started filling that role.  I think I'm doing ok so far at figuring things out, and J seems to agree.  I'm just nervous about it.  I think the good thing is that his son is only 5, and he doesn't remember J and his xw being together.

[luvvy]

My SS is now 18 but I made it clear to him that I do not intend to replace his mom and that I love him and expect the same level of respect that he gives his mom and dad. I got lucky though. My SS is a great kid and we have never had any issues. I mean, there have been minor things where he got a little disrespectful but I think he was trying to figure out where the line is between joking and sassing. lol

Love him like you want to. I found myself holding back with SS so I didn't smother him and then I realized that I don't care if I smother him. He is my kid for crying out loud!

[looseseal]

OK, I'm not stepmom, but my mom was to my older sister. Without getting into details, because I don't really have specific advice, I think the fact that you seem to want to do well and be a good stepmom is a great start. I'm sure others will have specific advice that is way more helpful!

[CurlyQ284]

I've been on blended families on the bump (now moved to proboards!). Thats where I go when I need advice.

I've been in the stepmom role for about 8 years. The biggest thing for me was to let things go. I would try to "fix" things when they were here for the summer and it caused a lot of tension. They go home, bad habits reset etc. My oldest SD eats nothing but nutella right now. I let go of the eating thing and we get along SO well now. I hate that she essentially eats junk food all the time but what can I do?

Love the kids but give them space when they need it. Establish boundaries with SO and stick to them. Some SMs end up taking on most of the child rearing and get resentful.

Is there drama with SOs ex?

[Bernadine]

Aug 7, 2013 8:23:01 GMT -5 puddleofgrace said:

Is the mom still in the picture a lot?

You're going to be such an amazing step mom.

Yes, she has him most of the time.  J has him Wednesday night and one night on the weekends, switching between Friday or Saturday.

The thing I think I'm having trouble with is that I recognize I am not his mother- I'm not his parent, but I kind of am?

[ECB]

My biggest problems, IMO, w/ my stepmother stem from what scotty listed as #3. Don't be jealous of either the child's OR your FI's relationship w/ the mother. My stepmother was very insecure and I feel she took it out on my and my brother.

NOW we have a good relationship, but when I was a kid? Not so much.

She was an elementary school teacher and now, NOW, with my DS - she's absolutely wonderful and has a patience for him that she never, ever displayed with me! And again, I take that back to her being jealous and insecure.

So - try not to be that!

[Deleted]

i am not one and never had one, but i have every confidence you'll do great. hell, the fact that you care about doing great says you'll do great.

i have a piece of general parenting advice, which is that every day is a new day. yes, you want to generally have plans in place/not be an asshole/do your best. but sometimes you will utterly fuck up and be a cranky asshat or something. just apologize when you're wrong (i think this is pretty huge and i don't think that apologizing when you're ACTUALLY wrong/a jerk undermines your authority or anything) and try to start fresh the next day.

[luckyval]

Scotty made great points

My step mother is an amazing person and did all the things listed from pp. She was just available, didn't push herself on us and made sure that my dad had one on one time with his kids when they were still dating. She didn't speak ill of my mom and didn't try to be my mom, really.

I think it will really work to your advantage that your stb SS doesn't remember his parents being together. That was the same thing with me and I harbor no ill feelings about a divorce, because I only knew my parents as separate entities.

You'll be great!

[ECB]

Aug 7, 2013 8:24:48 GMT -5 Bernadine said:

Aug 7, 2013 8:23:01 GMT -5 puddleofgrace said:

Yes, she has him most of the time.  J has him Wednesday night and one night on the weekends, switching between Friday or Saturday.

The thing I think I'm having trouble with is that I recognize I am not his mother- I'm not his parent, but I kind of am?

I lived w/my dad and step mom, only visiting my mom during the summer, so my step mom really did have to be a "parent".

Fresh out of the gate- you need to take that aspect slow.  no, you really aren't a "parent".  But you ARE an adult who should be respected as such, and you are an authority figure in your home.

[Bernadine]

Some drama. She can be really nasty to J, sometimes in front of their son. We see each other at games and practices and stuff, and she basically ignores me. Oh, and her family is still friendly with J and I, and that really bothers her. I was really good friends with her twin sister in college.

[Bernadine]

He calls me Rocky, my guess is that we'll stick with that. No one else uses that.

[karmasabiotch]

Funny you should ask. Just yesterday I had Ellie add a Blended Family board over there <--- Will you post? I'm trying to get that board up and running.

I had a Step Mom (2) and I am a Step Mom. Just do what feels natural for you and go slowly. I met my SS right before he turned 5 and I have just mostly took on the friend role with him and we have a really good relationship. He comes to me more than he does his Mom or Dad with questions and concerns. He is 14 now.

[Deleted]

Just be there for him. Don't push yourself or the relationship that you want on him. When I came into SD's life, I was just basically a friend to her. We hung out and we did fun things but all discipline and parenting was left to her dad. Our relationship grew from there and we have a fantastic relationship. She comes to me when she needs to talk, or when she needs something at our house. I still let H handle most discipline but I'm not afraid to correct her if need be.

Do not speak negatively about his mom to him or in front of him, even when she starts crap with his dad or with you.
There will be drama. It sucks but it is what it is. I don't know of any blended family that is all smooth sailing all the time. Or any in tact family either, for that matter.

You'll do great!

[TheSeaward]

Aug 7, 2013 8:22:22 GMT -5 @scottydeux said:

I have a feeling you'll be a great stepmom. Based on what my stepmom did not do, here are my suggestions, but I do not think you'd need these.

1. Speak highly of his mother in front of him.
2. Do not insist he calls you mom, too.
3. Do not be jealous of the relationship he has with his dad/mother.


Again, you don't seem like the evil type. Those things are what I wish mine did. Stepkids can be easy if you make it clear from the get-go that you respect their parent that is not in the home, even if you haaaate him/her. Also, if you don't try to parent them like you're their parent. Or say things like, 'I'll tell your father.'

Good luck, you are going to be amazeballs.

the bold part should be corrected (IMO) to "don't bad mouth his mother"  sometimes there is nothing to speak highly of

[dirtyred]

I became the stepmother to teenagers, so it was a little different, but I ditto the pp's--always say good things about his mother.  Have your husband, not you, tell him that you're not replacing his mother and he shouldn't feel guilty for liking/loving you.  A lot of little kids feel bad if they like their stepmother, like it's cheating on their mother or something.

I recommend NOT being the disciplinarian for at least a year.  You don't want to come in and start changing all the rules, asking him to do chores, doling out consequences for bad behavior.  Make sure your DH is on board with this early on.  I know he's probably looking for help in doing that stuff, but it really is better if you don't step up to the plate right away.  The kid has enough going on with the new parent, and he needs time to adjust and see your place and relationship to him in the household. Then you slowly start introducing those things (again, I was dealing with teens; your stepchild may be handle it differently).

He still has to mind you, but if he doesn't, consequences need to come from your DH, otherwise, he may start to resent you.

[TheSeaward]

Aug 7, 2013 9:01:19 GMT -5 @scottydeux said:

Aug 7, 2013 8:49:36 GMT -5 TheSeaward said:

the bold part should be corrected (IMO) to "don't bad mouth his mother"  sometimes there is nothing to speak highly of

Sometimes.  But, the kid loves his/her mom, so even if you don't think there is, squeezing out a kind word never hurt anyone, unless she's a crackie cat killer or something.

how about a child abuser who lost custody of her kids?

[TheSeaward]

Aug 7, 2013 8:58:45 GMT -5 Que? said:

Aug 7, 2013 8:49:36 GMT -5 TheSeaward said:

the bold part should be corrected (IMO) to "don't bad mouth his mother"  sometimes there is nothing to speak highly of

Except that she made a great kid, and there's nothing wrong with acknowledging that.
My brother is a dead beat who hasn't seen his kid since she was three. He sent her a gift (from jail) when she was five and we all froze when she opened it. She looked to her stepdad for guidance about how to feel and he said 'well isn't that beautiful sweater. What a thoughtful gift' and that was that. She almost never talked about him again, but her SD's reaction in that moment could have really changed her thinking on everything. She's half of him, she needs to know he's not a monster.

at least your SD got a gift, so again there was something to speak highly of

[joenali]

I've been in ss's life since he was a baby. Long story.

I think the one thing I've learned along the way is that you can have input on big parenting decisions, but in the end, those big decisions are made by bio dad and bio mom. Whatever the outcome, don't get upset!

I love my ss so much, we have a good relationship (he's 9 now). When he is with us he listens to both of us.

[katb]

From my experience, the biggest one is make sure you want to be a stepmother. My father remarried when all 3 of us were tween - teens. It was very obvious growing up that my stepmother did not want/like kids. She often told us she never imagined she would have any kind of kids. I know my dad loves her and I hope she makes him happy, but I wonder why someone makes a commitment like that fully aware that a man has 3 kids. She hated it when we would come spend summers and really had a hard time dealing with kids. It is such a shame too because my father loved us kids and would want to do and take us everywhere - she would end up bitching or causing arguments wherever we went for stupid kid stuff.
Later on, when I was in my late 20's our relationship got better for a few years but now it in non-existent.

I still have bitter feelings about it - especially when she tells me how hard she worked at creating a family for us.

Be there, don't take things too personally, respect the mom - they are part of her so they need to know they are all good, and don't bad mouth the mom or her decisions.

[medicmommy]

Aug 7, 2013 8:22:22 GMT -5 @scottydeux said:

I have a feeling you'll be a great stepmom. Based on what my stepmom did not do, here are my suggestions, but I do not think you'd need these.

1. Speak highly of his mother in front of him.
2. Do not insist he calls you mom, too.
3. Do not be jealous of the relationship he has with his dad/mother.

All of this.
Also, at some point, he will be angry with bio mom for something. I always told sd she was allowed to be angry with her mother, but it was still her mom and she had to be respectful.

We also had a little hiccup trying to figure out discipline, etc. H worked 70 hour weeks and she lived with us. I was always watching her, cooking, cleaning, etc., but she wasn't expected to listen to me. She came from an incredibly shitty situation with her mom so it was rocky at first. She's 19 now. We are super close and I just adopted her.

Step-parenting is harder than having your own kids sometimes, but you will do great.

[macmars45]

Aug 7, 2013 8:32:45 GMT -5 frkls said:

leave discipline to dad. that has been the most important thing for our relationship. she HAS two parents, she doesn't need everybody in her whole family doling out punishments and lectures.

Ok, I don't get this. Does it refer to when a SM and a dad are home together with the kids only or is it a blanket statement. What if the SM is watching the kids while dad is elsewhere and the kids do something wrong? Does SM tell kid punishment will come when dad gets home or does she put them in time out etc etc?

I've never been a SM and I never had one growing up so it's an honest question.

[joenali]

I don't get the leave discipline to dad stuff. If the kid messes up or acts out when dads not home do you let the kid walk all over you? No.

[Deleted]

Aug 7, 2013 8:21:56 GMT -5 luvvy said:

My SS is now 18 but I made it clear to him that I do not intend to replace his mom and that I love him and expect the same level of respect that he gives his mom and dad. I got lucky though. My SS is a great kid and we have never had any issues. I mean, there have been minor things where he got a little disrespectful but I think he was trying to figure out where the line is between joking and sassing. lol

Love him like you want to. I found myself holding back with SS so I didn't smother him and then I realized that I don't care if I smother him. He is my kid for crying out loud!

This could have been written by me.

My SS knows what I do for him is not required and appreciates it all.  Nothing was better than having him call me on Mothers day ( from college) to wish me a Happy Mothers Day and say that he wanted to thank me for all I do for him and that he loves me.  

PS...it really helps that his BM appreciates all I do too.

[TheSeaward]

Aug 7, 2013 10:02:45 GMT -5 Que? said:

Aug 7, 2013 9:30:13 GMT -5 TheSeaward said:

how about a child abuser who lost custody of her kids?

She is still half of her kids. You can be as angry as you want about that, but it will affect the kids and that's on you.

the kids are the angry ones

[macmars45]

Aug 7, 2013 10:00:28 GMT -5 frkls said:

Aug 7, 2013 9:54:25 GMT -5 macmars45 said:

Ok, I don't get this. Does it refer to when a SM and a dad are home together with the kids only or is it a blanket statement. What if the SM is watching the kids while dad is elsewhere and the kids do something wrong? Does SM tell kid punishment will come when dad gets home or does she put them in time out etc etc?

I've never been a SM and I never had one growing up so it's an honest question.

i guess it depends on the kid and the offense.  with my stepdaughter, she was a pretty agreeable kid and when i told her to knock something off, she did.  she was not belligerent or into seeing what she could get away with or any of that.  minor infractions, i'd give her "the look" or make her correct the problem if it was correctable.  i did not take away privileges or toys.  i did not ground her or lecture her. i did not tattle on her to dh. i made sure that she felt safe and loved, but it was not my job to modify her behavior through discipline.  

Honest question: If you don't tattle wouldn't she (hypothetically) take advantage and do bad crap when only the you are around because she knows she can get away with it with no punishment? I guess that's where I see SMs (in general) potentially having issues with their step-kids.

[Captain Serious]

Aug 7, 2013 8:27:46 GMT -5 ECB said:

Aug 7, 2013 8:24:48 GMT -5 Bernadine said:

Yes, she has him most of the time.  J has him Wednesday night and one night on the weekends, switching between Friday or Saturday.

The thing I think I'm having trouble with is that I recognize I am not his mother- I'm not his parent, but I kind of am?

I lived w/my dad and step mom, only visiting my mom during the summer, so my step mom really did have to be a "parent".

Fresh out of the gate- you need to take that aspect slow.  no, you really aren't a "parent".  But you ARE an adult who should be respected as such, and you are an authority figure in your home.

I agree with this. I know it's different, but this was something that was really hard for me as an adoptive parent. When you first meet and then get custody, you aren't a parent and there are other people in charge who can stop the adoption from going through. Also, you feel so bad for the life they had before, you just want to cut them all sorts of breaks. In reality, though, the best thig you can do for everyone involved is to take a strong, firm position right from the start. They need to know the rules, boundries, and your role right from minute one in order to feel safe and act appropriately. If you are just a friend first and become more of a parent later, it will be very hard for him to understand the changing roles and why something is no longer okay that was in the past.

Most of all, his dad and (if possible) mother has to back you up in that parenting role.

[Captain Serious]

Aug 7, 2013 9:30:13 GMT -5 TheSeaward said:

Aug 7, 2013 9:01:19 GMT -5 @scottydeux said:

Sometimes.  But, the kid loves his/her mom, so even if you don't think there is, squeezing out a kind word never hurt anyone, unless she's a crackie cat killer or something.

how about a child abuser who lost custody of her kids?

I know it's hard 5o imagine, but my son's mother lost her rights to him and still loved him very, very much. More importantly, my son loves her unconditionally. There is *always* something good to say, and if you can't find it, you are letting your personal feelings getting in the way of being the best mother you can be.

[Captain Serious]

Aug 7, 2013 10:36:26 GMT -5 frkls said:

Aug 7, 2013 10:26:01 GMT -5 Captain Serious said:

I agree with this. I know it's different, but this was something that was really hard for me as an adoptive parent. When you first meet and then get custody, you aren't a parent and there are other people in charge who can stop the adoption from going through. Also, you feel so bad for the life they had before, you just want to cut them all sorts of breaks. In reality, though, the best thig you can do for everyone involved is to take a strong, firm position right from the start. They need to know the rules, boundries, and your role right from minute one in order to feel safe and act appropriately. If you are just a friend first and become more of a parent later, it will be very hard for him to understand the changing roles and why something is no longer okay that was in the past.

Most of all, his dad and (if possible) mother has to back you up in that parenting role.

i understand what you're saying, but i think this is different for adoptive parents and step parents.  i feel like the process should be slower for a stepfamily.  i feel like adoptive parents assume the role (because they are "real"/primary parents) while step parents need to put in the time and effort to earn the role.  im not really being clear.....hmmmmm

I agree with what you're saying, but I think there's a difference. In a step parent relationship, I would definitely defer to the biological parent when they are around, but when I'm alone I would take on the role of disciplinary in when necessary and expect the full support of my partner. I also think that the type of discipline should be tailored to what is already happening in the home and I would defer to my partner for guidance on how
that works.

[aprilsails]

My parents didn't divorce until I was a teenager so my perspective is different than that of the others.

I 100% agree on the no trash-talking of the other parent. This should go for everyone. Talking nicely about them would be even better when the opportunity arose.

If the Mom and Dad are in disagreement about a parenting choice, let them hash it out and don't get in the middle (oh my lord the trouble my stepfather got into). This might be with respect to school choices or decisions on punishment (major ones). Every time my stepfather took the lead on something like this it went badly. My stepmom, on the other hand, generally spoke with us children about our "options" and then would voice her opinion to the 4-person parenting machine that we had in operation. Our relationship with her was far less strained at times.

Be a friendly parent. That's the best way I can describe the role. Friend first, parent second. I love both my stepmom and stepdad and I have a fantastic relationship with both of them as an adult. I'm lucky to have parents that get along GREAT (all 4 of them) and they have managed to get through some really tough times dealing with my brother. I know it wasn't always easy, but they generally presented a united and smiling front to us kids. I'm grateful that they always put us first.

[pixelpassion]

Living with my stepmother was like living with Satan. She would talk very poorly of my mother all the time, and still does. She is definitely the jealous type, and never let my father do anything with me, like take me out to lunch or anything without her screaming at him, etc. (dad should have grown a pair of balls, but whatever). And when we were all living together, her son was exempt from household responsibilities/chores, while I was practically a slave. She also encouraged my stepbrother to be an asshole to me as well.

End Rant.

I can't see you doing any/all of this. But here are some suggestions
1. Don't do any of the disciplining for quite a while. Leave that up to Dad
2. Be friendly and patient, it's a massive adjustment for them as much as it is for you
3. Do not talk badly about their mom, EVEN if they initiate it, just be understanding.