Just don't do the stuff you don't want to do. Send her and your brother an email saying you will not be buying the the $300 outfits for the kids. Not a Question, a statement. Give them a few options of what you will buy and say if they don't pick by X date then you will just buy one that you like.
Do you want to skip the bachelorette for your sons birthday? If yes, then do it. Tell them you can't make it due to sons party. Offer to help or don't, whatever you want.
You need to stand firm in what you want. Don't ask and don't apologize. Be polite and friendly, but firm. "Oh, I hope you have a great bachelorette. I won't be there as it is my sons birthday, but I hope you have a great time!" If they give you crap, just repeat and then change the subject.
She sounds awful, but she can't force you to do any of these things and you don't have to be the one to cave. Just do what you want and if she's upset, who cares. It doesn't sound like you guys will ever be best friends, so just don't let her get to you.
Good gawd. I wouldn't be bending over backwards for her. As others have said, if she doesn't get pissed at you for A, she'll get pissed about B. You aren't going to be able to win with her.
Take your kids out of the wedding. Just tell her you can't afford $300 for them, so they'll just go as guests.
As for the 2 parties - pick one to skip. I'd actually reach out to the BMs, though, and give them a heads up that you cna't do both and honestly - the brides wishes are out of your budget anyhow. You MIGHT be able to open up a conversation w/ them where you ALL can band together and tell your FSIL "hey- we want to do these parties for you, but they have to be on our terms. What you want is too expensive.". She'll get pissed - but you have more power in #s.
It's clear you don't like her and I'm actually questioning how truly happy you actually are. And this is fine. But yo udon't need to talk yourself into going above and beyond just because it's your brother.
I think someone asked about the MOH's involvement. To answer, because she's in FL and I don't talk to her I am only relying on what FSIL tells me. She is not attending, planning or contributing to either party because "She'll probably be pregnant by then." These BFF's were made for each other.
As I said, at one point, one of her BMs asked WTF the MOH was doing if she wasn't planning or attending the most important events. FSIL said she's helping her pick out vendors and flowers out in FL so that's enough.
Well, while it's odd that the MOH of all people isn't coming to either of these parties, at the same time - I actually don't believe that bridal parties "have" to do anything other than buy something to wear to the wedding and show up at the wedding. I know what the norm is, and as a BM, I've always wanted to do everything I can. But - there is no requirement that anyone HAS to do anything.
But this goes for you and the other BMs too. You can say no to her. It's not up to her to dictate how you spend and how much of your money you spend.
Good luck, is all I can say. I went through very similar stuff with my youngest brother's wife. It escalated to her freaking out on our whole family over every little thing and basically being a selfish brat. I was the only wedding party member who lived OOT and I was an asshole if I didn't fly in for every little thing. Mind you, I was 10 years older than the rest of the wedding party who was all in their early 20's. I have a real job, out of state, I can't fly here to bake cookies with you as a bonding experience, sorry. It got to the point that I didn't really speak to or see them for years after the wedding. They are getting divorced now. I sit back and say nothing while my parents are all surprised that she's being unreasonable. SHE ALWAYS WAS YOU FOOLS.
Bottom line: Do you what you feel comfortable doing and stick to your guns about the stuff you aren't comfortable with/don't want to do. Don't lose your composure and take the high road if anyone tries to get crazy with you.
Also be like the MOH. You KNOW sister shut that shit down and that is why she is off the hook. Might be pregnant, please. She already told SFIL she is not going to play around like this.
I'd go to the shower but inform her I'd be unable to attend the bachelorette weekend because of my son's birthday.
She's right in that she gets to pick the dates that suit her best, but if she's unable to take in any one else's schedules in to account, she should expect there to be potential conflicts with the selected dates.
Good gawd. I wouldn't be bending over backwards for her. As others have said, if she doesn't get pissed at you for A, she'll get pissed about B. You aren't going to be able to win with her.
Take your kids out of the wedding. Just tell her you can't afford $300 for them, so they'll just go as guests.
As for the 2 parties - pick one to skip. I'd actually reach out to the BMs, though, and give them a heads up that you cna't do both and honestly - the brides wishes are out of your budget anyhow. You MIGHT be able to open up a conversation w/ them where you ALL can band together and tell your FSIL "hey- we want to do these parties for you, but they have to be on our terms. What you want is too expensive.". She'll get pissed - but you have more power in #s.
It's clear you don't like her and I'm actually questioning how truly happy you actually are. And this is fine. But yo udon't need to talk yourself into going above and beyond just because it's your brother.
My distaste for her has only grown again in these last few weeks. For real. When they got engaged we were actually in a REALLY good place. She would call me for advice and we'd talk weddings. It was fun. Before they signed the venue contract she asked me to look it over and I was able to save them both a few grand with some of my tips. Things were good until the party demands started flying. Her colors are showing again and I was afraid this would happen. I even gave her a little bit of a pass because I know how self absorbed one can get when planning their big day. It happens. But this? I am not cool with being so self absorbed you cannot even see past your nephews birthday. Yes he's only going to be 2 but I make a pretty big deal about birthdays. I am not about to miss one for a bachelorette party. You're right though, I just need to tell her what I am willing to do and not do and leave it at that.
Also be like the MOH. You KNOW sister shut that shit down and that is why she is off the hook. Might be pregnant, please. She already told SFIL she is not going to play around like this.
Do that.
ding!ding!ding! Of course! MOH isn't putting up with this bullshit, so Bridezilla decides to push the rest of you around. Don't let her!
Don't skip your child's birthday. I have a feeling that once she has children she'll expect EVERYBODY to come to the birthday party. If you back down now, you'll set a precedent. Stick to your mommy guns.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
Also be like the MOH. You KNOW sister shut that shit down and that is why she is off the hook. Might be pregnant, please. She already told SFIL she is not going to play around like this.
Do that.
I hadn't even thought of this. You are probably right. I need to do that.
And thanks everyone for the comments! I know etiquette isn't on me but it's really hard to watch. I love my brother to pieces. It's reflecting on him too. Cash gift demands? Not cool!
She sounds awful. I agree with a lot of the suggestions in this thread. Do what you can, but don't give in to her selfishness. It's over the top and incredibly inconsiderate of her to treat everyone in that way. I would have a hard time not losing my shit in your situation.
But if you want to play and offer an alternate why not tell her that you can't do the chosen weekend for the bach party, but if she really wants it in that time frame you could to a brunch shower and then the bach party that evening so it is all on the same weekend. Then anyone traveling only has to worry about one weekend. I realize her first choice is a getaway for the bach, but she might need to choose -- getaway or having her friends there. I didn't have a bach party or shower with my wedding last month - second wedding and I didn't want all that jazz. I had one with my first and we did a the brunch shower/night bach party to accommodate my friends who needed to travel. It worked out great!
But if you want to play and offer an alternate why not tell her that you can't do the chosen weekend for the bach party, but if she really wants it in that time frame you could to a brunch shower and then the bach party that evening so it is all on the same weekend. Then anyone traveling only has to worry about one weekend. I realize her first choice is a getaway for the bach, but she might need to choose -- getaway or having her friends there. I didn't have a bach party or shower with my wedding last month - second wedding and I didn't want all that jazz. I had one with my first and we did a the brunch shower/night bach party to accommodate my friends who needed to travel. It worked out great!
I'm learning that 2 of the bridesmaids are "Anything you want master" types. I just got a text 10 minutes ago finalizing and firming up the dates even though I nicely said I will be unavailable to attend the bachelor party due to my sons birthday. Owell.....
Wow. No, do not go. It's your child's birthday weekend and she should really understand that. Do not cater to her, do not put her first, it is absolutely not your obligation to put your life and family on hold for her.
Post by sparkythelawyer on Aug 7, 2013 16:39:01 GMT -5
A few thoughts.
First, when I am dealing with people who I have an delicate relationship with, I cover my ass. So, in the case of my best guy friend? When I was in his wedding, and I wrote her about anything I copied him on it. That way, there would be no "he said/she said." I suggest you do this to bow out of the bachelorette party. A simple, "Hey SIL, I am not going to be able to attend the bachelorette party on the weekend of XX/XX. As I am sure you know, Little Fabulous' birthday is that weekend, so I am tied up that weekend. But I hope you have so much fun!" If she responds to just you? Copy him. And do not do this over text.
As far as the rest, ok. The clothes are pricy. But if you can swing it, do it. If you find the near identical somewhere cheaper? Buy it and hope she's none the wiser. If you cannot swing it, Let them BOTH know, and re-iterate the suggestions of alternate clothing.
I'm not (yet) getting the impression that she is entirely horrible. She has her head thoroughly shoved up her ass, but at the end of the day I think she's a planner. She wants things a certain way, she's prepared to make her desires known, and figures she should be able to get her way with her wedding stuff. Consequently, unless she is about to do something that will be really offensive, let it slide. For example, why are you not doing what she wants for her decor for her shower? Is what she wants really unreasonable? Would it make it easier for you to just order what she wants?
This is not your kind of person. This is not how you would do things, not things you would pick out, not the way you would plan something. But so far, the only things I am hearing that are really difficult to swallow are the kids clothing prices and the bachelorette party bit. You say she is really good for your brother. Pick the things that really matter, and try not to let the rest bug you too much.