I think I've mentioned this woman before (she's the one that fate determined I should be friends with through random connections across the world), and she's the woman who gave me a place to stay (albeit while charging me 1k a month to sleep on her couch...) while I was living in NY and separated from my ex-H.
She's also the woman who's wedding I didn't go to last month because (a) mentally I wasn't okay to go to a wedding again, and (b) she'd also invited by exH, and I REALLY wasn't mentally ready to see him with his new gf.
Unfortunately, it looks from FB that she has just lost her husband (he was deployed again two days after they returned from their honeymoon), but her FB statuses are very cryptic.
I don't want to call her because i'm sure she's in some sort of state of shock mixed with grief, but I feel like I should be doing SOMETHING.
You should definitely reach out to her. I am not sure what any of the other stuff has to do with it.
Yeah, reading it I realized it sounded weird. I think I was throwing that in to show that our relationship hasn't been as close lately as it once was, but my heart is still aching for her.
I commented on her FB wall post, and sent her a private message telling her to please reach out to me if she needed anything, even if it was just to have someone sit silently on the other end of the phone, or if she needed me to come down.
I just feel like I should be doing something else, and I'm not sure what that is.
First, I'd see if you can find an obituary or otherwise figure out what actually happened. If he died, I'd send a handwritten card. Like you said, people are weird when shit like that happens and I'd hate for a well-meaning phone call to dissolve into a sob fest or a fight.
Post by cookiemdough on Jun 19, 2012 8:35:51 GMT -5
If she is not taking calls, there is likely a loved one with her that is answering the phone and taking messages. She may not get back to you but she will remember and appreciate that friends and loved ones reached out to her.
ETA: I see you did reach out to her. I think for now the is there a mutual friend you could contact to find out what happened?
So it looks like her husband was actually injured on the 14th in a training exercise, and just passed last night. I sent her a message on FB, and left her a voicemail letting her know to please let me know if there's anything at all I can do for her. I'll be sending her a handwritten card, as well.
As for training - it's still dangerous, and I know the training my brother does (Army Ranger, training to be a Green Beret now) is crazy. I mean, it's as safe as can be, but he does a lot of airborne jumps for example that simulate the real thing (just not jumping into enemy territory really) and tons can go wrong there, I would guess.
I have a friend who is a vet and she's got a few horror stories from exercises and trainings where people got really hurt and could have easily died. The way she talks about it, that got to her a lot more than actually having any war-related duties. And not all those stories make the news.
Post by EloiseWeenie on Jun 19, 2012 11:34:09 GMT -5
I'm sorry I'd check the funeral website (once you know more details). She may request donations to Wounded Warriors or something of the like. How sad. We live in a MCAS flight path and see Ospreys flying daily. They make my house shake.
Post by basilosaurus on Jun 19, 2012 11:42:45 GMT -5
Sorry to hear that. I think you did the right thing.
Accidents can definitely happen in training. Think of jump school, or all that can go wrong with flying training (h had 2 instructors die in a crag) or google sere. H has been through sere, and while a lot of that training is classified, he told me a bit about some of his experience, and it really was hard on him, physically and mentally.
Post by MixedBerryJam on Jun 19, 2012 16:19:48 GMT -5
Can I strongly urge you to try for a phone connection again? I mean, I cherish all the cards I got, but I also have felt a little bit abandoned by friends who just didn't know how to call me and say, "I'm sorry. I'm thinking about you." They don't want to mention my husband because they don't want to "remind" me ... like I might forget if they don't say something. It's done in kindness, I know, but it's really isolating.
I would not assume she even gets the voice mail message, to be honest. Someone else might be checking messages for her.
A note is definitely a good thing. I'm sorry for your friend's loss.
Can I strongly urge you to try for a phone connection again? I mean, I cherish all the cards I got, but I also have felt a little bit abandoned by friends who just didn't know how to call me and say, "I'm sorry. I'm thinking about you." They don't want to mention my husband because they don't want to "remind" me ... like I might forget if they don't say something. It's done in kindness, I know, but it's really isolating.
I would not assume she even gets the voice mail message, to be honest. Someone else might be checking messages for her.
A note is definitely a good thing. I'm sorry for your friend's loss.
I talked to another friend today (another military wife) who said that I've done everything right so far, but for now, to just let it be. She said to go ahead and send the handwritten note, and to watch for info in the memorial announcement, but then to try and call her again in two weeks, just to let her know again that I'm still there for her for anything she needs.
Thanks again for all the advice, everyone. I really appreciate it.