I found this interesting. As a Single Laydee (TM) who's getting older, I've considered whether or not I should try to have kids solo at some point. I probably won't.
B.J. Holt always wanted to be a dad. As he approached 40, with no life partner in sight, he felt a version of the ticking biological clock.
"The 'having the children thing' started to overwhelm the desire to have the relationship first," Holt says. "They sort of switched on me."
So Holt decided to go it alone. A few years ago, he used an egg donor and a surrogate to create a family of his own.
First came Christina, now 4, a strawberry-blond bundle of energy who loves to stage ballet performances in the living room of their New York City apartment.
Little brother Payson is 2, and dissolves into giggles when daddy swings him up to his shoulder for a bounce.
Challenging Stereotypes
When Holt decided to have kids, he didn't know any other single dad by choice. But family and friends were ecstatic and supportive.
As for strangers, Holt has gotten used to their assumptions about his family. He laughs as he recalls driving through a toll booth on a recent weekend.
If a guy gets called because his kid is sick and he has to leave, it's like, 'Where's your wife?'
- Brian Tessier, founder of a hotline for prospective single fathers
"There I was, in the car with my two kids in the backseat," he says, "and I was fumbling for the money. And [the woman in the tollbooth] said, 'Take your time, take your time. Daddy's without the mom today!' " Holt says he just smiled and drove on.
Holt is gay. Steve Majors, communications director for the same-sex advocacy group Family Equality Council, says many young gay men once believed living openly gay meant not having children.
"Either you were in a heterosexual relationship and having children, or you were gay," Majors says. "You couldn't have both."
But with the rise of same-sex marriage, gay men have pioneered the use of reproductive technology to have children. Majors says single gay men now email him or show up at parenting seminars, wanting to learn more about starting a family.
At the same time, gender roles for straight men are evolving. With more stay-at-home dads, and fathers generally spending more time caring for kids, advocates say men are realizing they don't necessarily need a wife to be a parent.
Brian Tessier recently started 411-4-DAD, a hotline for prospective single fathers. "I think we probably right now are up to about 30 calls a month," he says.
Tessier adopted two boys through foster care. He's gay, but he says half the calls he gets are from straight men. Many believe they can't legally adopt on their own, he says.
Tessier assures them that's not true, though they may well face stigma and suspicion.
"I think that it's a bias on the part of the agencies and the system itself that questions men's ability and their intentions of why they would want to be a single father," he says.
Tessier also sees lingering sexism in the workplace.
"If a mom is in a meeting and all of a sudden she gets called because her kid is sick, nobody raises an eyebrow," he says. "But if a guy gets called because his kid is sick and he has to leave, it's kind of like, 'Where's your wife?' "
'I Will Always Be There To Love Them'
The Williams Institute, a think-tank on same-sex issues at the University of California, Los Angeles, finds there were more than one million never-married men — both gay and straight — raising children in 2010.
Gary Gates, a demographer with the institute, says that's three times more than two decades ago. The census doesn't ask how many of those men are raising children alone versus with an unmarried partner, or if they are single fathers by choice, but adoption and surrogacy agencies say they are seeing more such dads — and not just in the U.S.
Avi Brecher, an Israeli, has traveled the globe to create a family. Speaking one evening via Skype, he was holding 3-month-old Ariel, born this spring to a surrogate in Minnesota. Daniel, 6, adopted from Guatemala, was at his side.
Brecher says his dream from his mid-20s was "to have a family with three children and a dog." He was married briefly, but it didn't work out. He'd still love to find a wife, he says, but as a pediatrician, he's confident he can raise his kids well on his own.
Still, he makes sure the children spend time with women, including his mother and a nurse who baby-sits them.
"If it's female friends of mine," Brecher says, "I let them hold Ariel so she can feel the touch of a female, which I believe is different from a male."
Back in New York, B.J. Holt keeps a photo of a smiling, pregnant woman on a table right by the front door. She's the surrogate who carried both of his kids. He calls her their "special friend," and she has already visited twice. Holt says he knows his kids will eventually have questions about their family.
"Even though I'm going to have a struggle of getting them to understand why we don't have a mommy in our picture, they will always know that I'm there to care for them," he says. "I will always be there to love them. And that's all that ultimately matters."
I don't know. I tend to think that being a single parent by choice is a selfish choice that puts your own interests ahead of your children's.
Children need two parents. Life happens, and sometimes children don't get two parents because of death, divorce, abandonment, etc. But you can't really prevent that. This you can prevent.
Post by cookiemdough on Jun 19, 2012 10:42:08 GMT -5
In theory I think two parents is preferable, and I can speak for myself that having that view made me work much harder on my own marriage than I would have if I didn't have kids. That being said, before getting married the desire and instinct to want to be a mother was extremely strong. I fully intended to pursue other options had I made it to a point in life where I knew that I would not get married. I would not have abandoned my desire to have a child.
I think a committed single parent with a great support structure will do fine. It does mean you have to work harder to provide some additional role models and that void can never fully replace an active and involved parent, but not everything in life can work out based on our plan. For me I know I would not be satisfied if I had given up on the dream of children solely because I couldn't find a spouse.
In terms of gay parents, I think it is interesting the article is Single Dads by Choice. If you don't have the legal option to get married even if you have found someone, the single part isn't really by choice.
I can't help but think this would be a stigma that won't go away for a long time. I bet quite a few people automatically think single dad by choice = pedophile.
Thanks for posting this. I heard most of it in the car, but had to leave before the very end. I thought it was interesting, especially the stigma of single men seeking to be single parents.
Post by heightsyankee on Jun 19, 2012 10:47:23 GMT -5
I completely disagree that kids "need" two parents. Is it better? Many times. My father was never in the picture until I was 10 years old. All he brought with him was abuse and drama. Finally at 28, I booted him for good. I was raised by a wonderful mother and never would have faced some of the worst times in my life had my father never re-entered it. I had a strong female role model in my grandmother and a loving relationship with my mother. Better off.
Being in a wonderful marriage, I can see how having both parents benefits my kids. However, if either parent is abusive, addicted or generally bad, a single parent can do a wonderful job. If there is a supportive extended family, even better.
I think it depends on why you are single. There are a lot of different situations where I understand a single person taking on a child or having a child. In the circumstance of just wanting a kid because "zomgs I'm in my 40s and still all alone!" I give the side eye, though. If you can't maintain an adult relationship what makes you think you can wrangle a kid? Raising a kid is a lot harder than having a spouse!!
I think it depends on why you are single. There are a lot of different situations where I understand a single person taking on a child or having a child. In the circumstance of just wanting a kid because "zomgs I'm in my 40s and still all alone!" I give the side eye, though. If you can't maintain an adult relationship what makes you think you can wrangle a kid? Raising a kid is a lot harder than having a spouse!!
/flammable
Okay, that's just ridiculous and short-sighted. There are a lot of single people who aren't single because they can't "maintain an adult relationship." Puh-lease.
ETA: I can maintain an adult relationship just fine, thank you very much, I just refuse to settle for some weenie or anyone who's merely average. Tons of married people settle for an average partner, and one could certainly say that it's selfish to saddle their kids with a mediocre parent.
I think it depends on why you are single. There are a lot of different situations where I understand a single person taking on a child or having a child. In the circumstance of just wanting a kid because "zomgs I'm in my 40s and still all alone!" I give the side eye, though. If you can't maintain an adult relationship what makes you think you can wrangle a kid? Raising a kid is a lot harder than having a spouse!!
/flammable
Okay, that's just ridiculous and short-sighted. There are a lot of single people who aren't single because they can't "maintain an adult relationship." Puh-lease.
Suuuure, brookles. We all know why you're single. You immature heifer.
I think it depends on why you are single. There are a lot of different situations where I understand a single person taking on a child or having a child. In the circumstance of just wanting a kid because "zomgs I'm in my 40s and still all alone!" I give the side eye, though. If you can't maintain an adult relationship what makes you think you can wrangle a kid? Raising a kid is a lot harder than having a spouse!!
/flammable
Uh yeah, this is flammable. The notion that every person that is not married after a certain point is due to them being unable to maintain an adult relationship is ridiculous. I also think that people who hit their late 30's and 40's and choose to go into parenting alone aren't doing so because they are lonely, they are doing it because they want to be a parent. That desire doesn't just shut off because you happen to be single.
Okay, that's just ridiculous and short-sighted. There are a lot of single people who aren't single because they can't "maintain an adult relationship." Puh-lease.
Suuuure, brookles. We all know why you're single. You immature heifer.
::eyeroll::
Well, you DO know firsthand just how immature I am.
I don't know. I tend to think that being a single parent by choice is a selfish choice that puts your own interests ahead of your children's.
Children need two parents. Life happens, and sometimes children don't get two parents because of death, divorce, abandonment, etc. But you can't really prevent that. This you can prevent.
I do agree with this but I also think that as parents we make tons of selfish decisions every day that aren't what's objectively best for our children. So I can't bring myself to care.
Oh and for fuck's sake, the idea that not being divorced means you're in a working, positive, and awesome relationship is some muthafucking bulllllllllllllshit!
There are certainly a lot of MARRIED people who have children because they want someone else to love them, due to their marriage not being strong or whatever. There are MARRIED people who have children for entirely selfish reasons. This is like claiming gay marriage will bring down the institution when there's a 50% divorce rate among straight people.
I think it depends on why you are single. There are a lot of different situations where I understand a single person taking on a child or having a child. In the circumstance of just wanting a kid because "zomgs I'm in my 40s and still all alone!" I give the side eye, though. If you can't maintain an adult relationship what makes you think you can wrangle a kid? Raising a kid is a lot harder than having a spouse!!
/flammable
Uh yeah, this is flammable. The notion that every person that is not married after a certain point is due to them being unable to maintain an adult relationship is ridiculous.
Or the notion that every person who is IN a relationship is in a good, solid, happy relationship is ridiculous too.
Uh yeah, this is flammable. The notion that every person that is not married after a certain point is due to them being unable to maintain an adult relationship is ridiculous.
Or the notion that every person who is IN a relationship is in a good, solid, happy relationship is ridiculous too.
Right? There's evidence to the contrary posted all over these boards just about every day.
I think it depends on why you are single. There are a lot of different situations where I understand a single person taking on a child or having a child. In the circumstance of just wanting a kid because "zomgs I'm in my 40s and still all alone!" I give the side eye, though. If you can't maintain an adult relationship what makes you think you can wrangle a kid? Raising a kid is a lot harder than having a spouse!!
/flammable
Okay, that's just ridiculous and short-sighted. There are a lot of single people who aren't single because they can't "maintain an adult relationship." Puh-lease.
ETA: I can maintain an adult relationship just fine, thank you very much, I just refuse to settle for some weenie or anyone who's merely average. Tons of married people settle for an average partner, and one could certainly say that it's selfish to saddle their kids with a mediocre parent.
Right, which is why I clarified that IF the reason one wants a kid is that they are alone, and only that reason, its not a good reason.
I think it depends on why you are single. There are a lot of different situations where I understand a single person taking on a child or having a child. In the circumstance of just wanting a kid because "zomgs I'm in my 40s and still all alone!" I give the side eye, though. If you can't maintain an adult relationship what makes you think you can wrangle a kid? Raising a kid is a lot harder than having a spouse!!
/flammable
Uh yeah, this is flammable. The notion that every person that is not married after a certain point is due to them being unable to maintain an adult relationship is ridiculous. I also think that people who hit their late 30's and 40's and choose to go into parenting alone aren't doing so because they are lonely, they are doing it because they want to be a parent. That desire doesn't just shut off because you happen to be single.
Can you show me where I said that? I think I pointed out that there are various reasons for being single.
I'll argue that just because you want to be a parent doesn't mean you should be - but that goes for everyone, lol.
Uh yeah, this is flammable. The notion that every person that is not married after a certain point is due to them being unable to maintain an adult relationship is ridiculous. I also think that people who hit their late 30's and 40's and choose to go into parenting alone aren't doing so because they are lonely, they are doing it because they want to be a parent. That desire doesn't just shut off because you happen to be single.
Can you show me where I said that? I think I pointed out that there are various reasons for being single.
I'll argue that just because you want to be a parent doesn't mean you should be - but that goes for everyone, lol.
Oh please, I am not the only one that had that perception from your post. If you didn't mean it then clarify.
There are certainly a lot of MARRIED people who have children because they want someone else to love them, due to their marriage not being strong or whatever. There are MARRIED people who have children for entirely selfish reasons. This is like claiming gay marriage will bring down the institution when there's a 50% divorce rate among straight people.
Yeah, like the people in a crappy marriage who have kids because they think that will strengthen the relationship... ^o)
I think that in many ways I was a better parent to DD when DW was overseas. I know I wasn't truly single because I benefited from the financial support of a partner, but at the same time I wasn't having to balance DD's needs with DW's needs on a day to day basis.
As for single men having children, I think it's great. Why the fuck not? Because of the time and money involved with either 1) foster/adopt or 2) using a surrogate, I have to believe that the men who go about doing this on their own are taking the role very serious and deeply desire to have a child/parent relationship.
I don't necessarily think it's selfish for single people to have kids. That status can change anyway - the man chose to have kids in his 40s but he may find his lifelong partner in a few years too, or maybe even later on.
Of course having two parents makes things easier but I can't fault anyone for wanting to become a parent but not meeting Mr./Ms. Right. Like someone above said, the desire to parent may not go away just because a partner hasn't been found yet.
As for single men having children, I think it's great. Why the fuck not? Because of the time and money involved with either 1) foster/adopt or 2) using a surrogate, I have to believe that the men who go about doing this on their own are taking the role very serious and deeply desire to have a child/parent relationship.
ITA. The only caveat is they shouldn't have more than one, what if they choose favorites
All kinds of choices are selfish and not necessarily optimal, but it doesn't make them bad choices. I'm thrilled that parenting is available to these men in any way, but imagine if these kids were adopted. Would it be better for them to sit in foster care or in orphanages overseas, or have a loving parent who really wants them?
I think a loving parent who really wants kids should have that available. And I'm sure many of these men, like many other single parents, have great networks of family and friends to help them, like Barack Obama's mom!
I agree about adoption- however, not all states or countries will let single men adopt.
Of course having two parents makes things easier but I can't fault anyone for wanting to become a parent but not meeting Mr./Ms. Right. Like someone above said, the desire to parent may not go away just because a partner hasn't been found yet.
Clarifying just a little bit here: having two parents who both want children and are committed to the care and upbringing of those children makes things easier. Two parents is not a recipe for automatic family success.
Post by hopecounts on Jun 19, 2012 13:02:57 GMT -5
I agree that having two parental figures is best, but that can be a single parent and a grandparent/aunt/uncle/etc. who is involved in the kids life. If you're willing to do the work to become a single parent by choice you probably can figure out a way to make sure your kid gets all the love and attention it needs.