I definitely believe that since you only get one life, you should try to live up to it's full potential, even if it is a struggle to get there. Not saying anyone should or shouldn't get divorced, but if its a constant struggle, odds are that you could be happier in a different circumstance, or if things were approached differently. Nobody should settle for sub par, but I know many people do.
Post by BlackCanary on Aug 16, 2013 12:40:46 GMT -5
Married in '04, separated in '04 and marriage finalized in '05. I felt like I was over the divorce after we separated.
My family was VERY supportive, let me move back in right away. I didn't go to therapy, though I should have. That year sucked so bad. Divorce, my grandma dying and my Nana breaking her hip and moving in with my parents.
I didn't start dealing with everything until about '06 and I started taking anti-depressants and seeing a therapist. It took me a long time, but I feel a lot better about things, I do admit that I'm still bitter towards exH. Luckily I haven't encountered him for 5 years.
Married in 03, separated in January of 13, and divorce is almost final. We had been together since 98. It has been harder than I ever imagined, and it has been a total roller coaster. Parts of me, wondered maybe starting in 2010, if I made the right choice getting married. We had been together since I was 18, and part of me wondered what else was out there. I didn't feel "in love" anymore. I would have never left him though. I was so comfortable, we got along, we had fun together, and overall life was pretty good.
The divorce itself took me by surprise. I have really had a hard time getting over it. I have days where I feel fine, and can see myself without him, and I have days where I miss so much of what we had, and just cry.
I still can't imagine him with anyone else, and the fact that he is moving on, sort of kills me inside. It hurts. I realize that it shouldn't hurt as much as it does, but it does.
I guess the reality is, is that I am so not over this. I pretend. I put on a happy face, and pretend all is ok, but deep down, I guess it isn't. I feel alone. I have dated so much, to try to make myself feel better, but it has only made it worse, and discouraged me.
I am taking a break now, because I realized that I need to take time to focus on myself. It is hard, but I think it is what I need.
apalettepassion.wordpress.com/ WHO IS BONQUIQUI!?!?!?!??!
"I was thinking about getting off on demand, but it sounds like I should be glad that I didn't"
I am not over my divorce. We decided to split in early February this year and the divorce was just finalized about 2 weeks ago.
That said, I'm over being sad about it. I think. I have little stabby pangs of sadness, and sometimes a good memory will pop into my head and I'll feel sad for a moment. But it passes quickly and I recognize that my life has already improved since our divorce and I assume that will only continue. At this point I mostly feel anger at him for treating me the way he did and at myself for putting up with it for as long as I did. I do think about things more than I'd like to and hope that as time goes on I'll stop thinking about him/our divorce so frequently.
I did not need meds, but I am seeing a counselor. I'm really shitty at talking about my feelings IRL, and she's been a great outlet to talk to about me and tell the truth. I tend to put on a happy face and avoid talking about emotions IRL. Coincidentally, that's also something I am hoping to improve via counseling, so I am not so closed off in a new relationship (someday).
I had a really hard time with it at first. I knew it was the right thing, but we lived together for about 3 months after we decided to split and it was really tough. Some days were fine, others we fought, others he was really sweet and kind and it killed me that we were ending things. But I never had a doubt that we needed to do this.
What ended up really helping was him moving out and us selling our house. I now live in a different part of town in a new house, and making that true separation really allowed me to start moving forward. And I think time helps too. I think for me I felt a lot better once I had a plan and knew it was going to work out - figuring out how to split things, where to live, how to get the divorce, etc was a lot of stress. There is nothing left to figure out and that's a good feeling.
My situation was complicated in that I didn't see the divorce coming exactly, and then he spent a great deal of time telling me he regretted it, wanted to get back together, wait - no he did not. Rinse and repeat. For probably about 11-12 months.
I am still not "over it". I have gone from "I'll never be okay again" to knowing I will be okay someday. And just getting to that has been very hard.
I left everything about my past life behind. For me it meant new friends/new everything.
I felt very alone and through the worst of it I was never suicidal, I but definitely did not feel like living.
I did not have family support. I guess I could have had some sort of ability to talk to them if I had wanted - but they are not the type who can really be there for me and part of shedding all of the hurt was to let them go, too. What made that happen at the same time as the divorce was yet another disappointment from them when it happened. I snapped and cut ties except for very basic contact (thanking them for birthday/holiday wishes).
I tried medications, went to counseling. Kept trying at work. Started a grad school program. Moved away from the area of town we lived. Tried things like volunteering and meetups. Just basically forced myself to keep living when all I wanted to do was curl up and die.
I can recall the first year I would go home from work on Fridays at 5:00, and I would feel so fucking down walking across the parking lot to my car. I used to rush out to someone waiting for me. I used to have a person. Then I had no good friends and no plans except crying all weekend until work on Monday.
In the very least, I've learned that I can make it on my own when things are dire/bad. I can troubleshoot problems, withstand more pain than I have ever felt in my life, and I can persevere. I've never really been single/alone. It was a jolt.
I'd say it took me about 12 months for the gaping wound to heal down to a dull throb. More than a throb in moments.
And now I am about 19 months out and the visual I'd give you is fire-scorched earth with a little green seedling sprouting out. There are still moments I have deep grief. I would say the first 12+ months - anything was possible. Sobbing in the car all of the sudden, etc.
My ex hurt me in a way that ravaged me like a cancer. We were very much in love and I still cannot believe he did certain thing he did. And I can't believe he is remarrying (remarried? I have no idea) in an effort to reset/replace things. It's so psycho crazy.
What really got me through it were Kore, mfluderCloudBeeswizzlestx and several other nesties. Seriously, without internet-turned-real friends to make sure I was still eating/living/going through the motions I would have never made it.
Some of the most helpful advice came from Volenti, as well. The way she worded things - that I needed to never look back or speak to him again - was incredibly helpful.
To actually get over the marriage and exh? I was over him before I left. I remember the day I told him I wanted a divorce, I went back to my parents house and cried, but I think it was more over the failure feeling, than losing him.
We have kids together though, and he is a complete loser of a father, so for that reason I still hate him. But it's because he has put my kids through hell and not anything that happened between us. If it weren't for them, I would never think about him again.
I have a strong family support system, and my parents let myself and my two kids live with them for about 8 months (I was a SAHM so I had to find work and save before I could find a place) and that was huge. Emotionally they have helped my kids know that people are there for them and that they are loved.
What helped me the most? The relief that I felt when I finally left was enough for me to know that it was exactly the right move. I held onto that when the going got tough.
Post by glitzyglow on Aug 17, 2013 14:34:47 GMT -5
I feel similarly to Gypsy. My exH also toyed with my head after he left. We got together in 2001, married in 2005, separated in 2010 due to an affair, filed for divorce in 2011, finalized in Jan. 2012.
How long did it take for you to get over your divorce? I don't know how to exactly answer this. I'm still sad over it, but not all the time. Some things still choke me up from time-to-time. I really thought I would spend my life with my exH and I still get sad in moments knowing the reality is that I won't. My position is hard because exH claims he still wants to be with me, says he loves me, etc. I have to really distance myself from him to prevent myself from falling back to him. It messes with my head, however, because I do miss him. He was a wonderful partner and best friend for 8 years...and then he wasn't.
Did you need any psychiatric (meds, whatever) intervention? Yes. I suffered from severe insomnia right after the divorce was finalized and I was put on sleeping pills as well as anti-depressants. I also saw a therapist weekly for a while. The therapy was the most useful.
Did you have a strong family support system? Family and friends, yes. I'm not confident I'd still be here without them. It's not that I wanted to die, I just didn't want to live. I feel like I would have withered away in my bed had I not had family and friends stay with me, check in on me, and support me the ways they did.
What helped you the most? Time, friends and family, therapy. It's hard to pinpoint one, although if I had to do so, I would say therapy. My therapist was phenomenal.
I was married for 13 years, and we lived together 4 years before that, so we were together 17 years. I struggled with leaving him for years and years. I was a drunk when I met him and I was very flakey about sticking with responsibility. We got married after I was one year sober. I felt I owed him for all the BS I put him through because of my drunken shennigans. However, in hindsight, I never should have married him. The problems we had were NOT a result of my drinking: we were simply not compatible nor right for each other. So even though I was dreadfully unhappy in my marriage I stuck it out because I thought I was The Problem.
I had a really good support group (AA) while I was going through my divorce. I was the one who left, so I had pretty much given up on our marriage being successful. I had asked for couples counseling for many years and he always refused to go. Finally, when things were close to the very end, he finally agreed to go to counseling. Which was kind of cool because even the counselor could see what a controlling asshole he was.
The ONLY guilt I felt was how it affected my kids. Things were bumpy, but in the end, all of my children came to realize it was all for the best.
The way I feel about it: if someone is miserable enough in the marriage, and nothing seems to work, a divorce should happen. I would say "Scotty DO!" if you can honestly say to yourself that you have tried everything.
ETA: the only other regret I have is that I waited so long to get a divorce. He totally messed with my head, but to be fair, I stuck around and took it. Even 12 years later, I still hear his berating negativity in my head. Ugh. I think he gave me the PTSD.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
Married in March '06, left him in August '07, filed late November '07, and finalized early June '08. I saw a counselor for about six months after I left and took an antidepressant for almost a year. Life was so much better without him that it didn't take very long for me to find a new normal and be good with it. I had a ton of support from friends and joined a great single moms group at a church that was a huge help. The day it was finalized it was like someone flipped a happy switch for me. But, even though I dated several guys in between, it took four and a half years before I was ready to seriously be involved with someone again. It's rough, no matter what and it just takes as long as it takes.
(((hugs)))
ETA: I was also over him before I left. It was mourning the loss of the dream and learning toforgive myself for getting into a situation I knew was going to be bad that took the longest.
Thanks for sharing you stories. Flexie, I haven't done everything I can to help my anxiety/depression. I had some of that before I met H. I wonder if I did more for it, if I would view him differently, at times.
That's entirely possible--give it a shot! (((hugs)))
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
I'm in the middle of it. I met MH in 2001 (I was 31 - he was 42 and separated), moved in in 2003, got married in 2005.
He is not a monster, but he has anger problems and maximum OCD. I sort of let go of my power in the relationship and I never told him to stop being so critical of me. The last 5 years were terrible, with him shouting and belittleling me all the time. I said stop at the end of May, he tries to stop his behaviour, but it does not really work. So I have rented an appartment, ordered furniture, got the financials more or less together (we have no children, only separate assets except our brand new house) and I will tell him after August 26, when I get the keys.
I hesitated a very long time, but all my friends and my close family are behind me and this decision.
I am really sad to close the door to what was once a very promising love story, but I cannot take it anymore.
I have been seeing a therapist for anxiety issues since I know him and I take trazodone.
It scares me to start over at 43, in a small appartment on my own, but this cannot continue.