s/o s/o Divorce

[sparkythelawyer]

Uh, hope everything is ok, Scotty!

[EmilieMadison]

I think most of that depends on the circumstances of your divorce.
For me, I was over it almost before I even got divorced. I was emotionally checked out and when I did file for divorce, I mostly just felt relief. Almost as soon as I decided to separate from my ex, I felt great- better than I had in a long time. I think the hardest part for me was losing friends (most of them) and just deciding to start over completely. I was sad about being alone, embarrassed about having made what I felt was a very public "mistake", and mad at my ex for treating me the way he did and mad at myself for not recognizing that we were not a good fit before the wedding.

But it still felt right and good. I didnt really talk to my family about it, but what helped the most was that I made new friends, kept busy and just reminded myself that plenty of women had gotten out of much worse situations and thrived and I would be just fine.

[LLL]

what's wrong?

[gozf]

You ok, Scotty??

[Deleted]

Aug 16, 2013 10:00:31 GMT -5 carrotsmakemefat said:

 My mom saw the bruises on me many times and I a still resentful that she didn't get behind the separation right away...and my sister was too Catholic to support me at first.

OMG, carrots, I'm so glad you got out of that situation. I can't even imagine how difficult that must have been.

[AHappierHour]

Reading my posts makes me question if Im over my divorce. I know Im over my marriage and my exH but I don't know if Im over everything he did to me in the marriage and divorce. He really messed me up. I should probably go to couseling.

[Wrath0fKuus]

Aug 16, 2013 10:05:16 GMT -5 HRH Queen Dick I, Orphan said:

Scotty, don't

Scotty, DO.

[sawyerthedestroyer]

We were only together for a couple of years. There was a lot of drama and I tend to check out when it comes to drama so I got over it quickly. Around six months I was pretty good.

My family and friends were a huge help. His own sister was a support to me because she was also divorcing her cheating husband at the same time (and holy shit was she mad at her brother).

I also went to a marriage and family counselor, which helped, although not as much as my family and friends did.

[Bernadine]

Emilie summed up how I feel about mine, except for the before marriage part. By the time I left, I was DONE. I went to counseling for a few months, which mostly focused on how to keep myself from getting in the same situation again. I had already mourned the end of my marriage before I actually ended it.

[Deleted]

How long did it take for you to get over your divorce? Not incredibly long, but I'd been considering divorce 2 years before we beat to death at home and in therapy, so I was good and over most of it by the time we actually physically split.

Did you need any psychiatric (meds, whatever) intervention? No. We (read: I) did marriage counseling.

Did you have a strong family support system? From a distance, but no one here to poor poodle me to death. I'm a pretty private, strong person. I handled my shit.

What helped you the most? Aside from the divorce being final? Time? IDK. We were both pretty done when the final nail hit the coffin. I didn't come out completely unscathed, but I definitely skipped out of the door.

[pantsparty]

Well, I guess I'm speaking for H, but he had a difficult divorce. He wanted the divorce, he was married for 10 years, and his ex was pretty vindictive through the process. So there was a period where he couldn't conceive rebuilding his life with someone else.

He did feel isolated at first, but he told me that was partially because he isolated HIMSELF. Once he started talking more with family and friends, he felt less alone.

He tells me frequently how happy he is and how lucky he feels to have the life we do.

[gozf]

Aug 16, 2013 10:26:14 GMT -5 Bernadine said:

Emilie summed up how I feel about mine, except for the before marriage part. By the time I left, I was DONE. I went to counseling for a few months, which mostly focused on how to keep myself from getting in the same situation again. I had already mourned the end of my marriage before I actually ended it.

This was true for me me too, though I definitely did have moments of sadness throughout the process.

[Wrath0fKuus]

Aug 16, 2013 10:28:01 GMT -5 Que? said:

Aug 16, 2013 10:19:01 GMT -5 Wrath0fKuus said:

Scotty, DO.

?? What is this about?

*shrug*

Probably Scotty is just curious, but on the off chance it's more than that, I wanted to balance it out.

[Muddled]

You've got a lot going on right now, don't you? Take care of yourself.

[Bernadine]

I should add- the worst part for me was the guilt. I still feel guilty sometimes, like I ruined xh's life.

My family was 100% supportive.

[gault]

(((Scotty)))

It took awhile. Not to get over him as a person, but to heal from the damage from being in an abusive relationship. I don't think I was completely healed until a few years ago (2011)when I focused on healing internally and loving myself more. We divorced in late 08.

[poppyseed]

I hope everything is ok, scotty.

[papie]

Is everything ok?

[Deleted]

Scotty- I am going through some similar thoughts, etc.. My therapist recommended "How to know when it's time to go". This book has helped me soo much already and I am only half way through. Everyone's experience is different but first you need to evaluate where you are, how you got there, what the future will looking for your kids, etc.. Before you start down this road.

[Wrath0fKuus]

In all seriousness, Scotty, if you want to talk without being pushed toward a decision either way, you can do that here and we can stfu.

[Bernadine]

Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk about things.

[trafficgirl]

What Emilie described is pretty close to how mine was also. I had tried so many things to improve the marriage (2 different counselors, reading tons of books, trying to talk things out, etc), and finally I just couldn't try anymore and was done. Then I told him I wanted a divorce and didn't look back - it was like this great weight had been lifted off my shoulders. We married in 2007, I asked for a divorce in early 2010 and it was final about 4 months later.

I wasn't in counseling when it was finalized, but did go after I started dating again because I didn't want to make the same mistake.

And my family was very supportive, even my (very) Catholic grandma, which surprised me.

I think what helped me the most is having friends and family around to talk to when I needed it, getting a couple new activities going to keep myself busy, and the counseling sessions to help me sort through everything.

[leahmel]

It took many years. At the time I did not realize just how hung up on it I really was. I did therapy for a year after the split. I think the fact that he moved on so quickly made it harder. I am SO glad to be over that while part of my life and into a much better place.

[thebamker]

I just needed to get laid. j/k!

It's still tough. If I didn't have kids, I don't think it would be so bad.

[fuckyourcouch]

Hope everything is okay, Scotty.

[verycontrary247]

Aug 16, 2013 9:51:59 GMT -5 @scottydeux said:

I know, not a fun topic to dwell on, especially on a Friday.

How long did it take for you to get over your divorce?  Did you need any psychiatric (meds, whatever) intervention?  Did you have a strong family support system?  What helped you the most?

Mine is still in progress. Married in '09, separated in March of '13. I haven't needed med intervention but I have been seeing a therapist. My family has recently been very supportive, but my parents were not at first (I guess they thought this was just going to blow over and I would change my mind).

What helped the most? Separating our stuff and moving back in with my parents. I initially stayed in our marital residence for a few months- it kept the memories really fresh and also gave stbxh a way to harass me.

[joshlyman]

Not there yet, but getting there. Been living separately since Feb. Divorce filed in May.

We were married for over 6 years though, so I figured I would need time. Plus it was not what I wanted, which was hard too. I'm doing really well, just not "over it".

ETA: I have also been in counseling and was on meds for anxiety prior to divorce, but I haven't had to change anything.

[Deleted]

((Hugs)) Scotty

[Deleted]

Relationships are hard. We tend to pick people (subconsciously) that force us to work through our old hurts and issues.

H and I are most likely going through a divorce, although neither one of us has filed yet. We've both got our issues. I am recognizing mine (and I have a lot) and working through them. It's hard and it sucks. H wants to put all the anger and hurt on me, and I can't control that. He's got his own issues to work out. As much as we want to "fix" them for each other, we can't.

I just said this yesterday, but I always thought marriage was black and white. It's SO not. So many moving parts of pieces of ourselves and our baggage from the past.

[Deleted]

Aug 16, 2013 12:17:31 GMT -5 @scottydeux said:

Calamity, I recommend yoga. If you aren't already. If you go on Amazon and seek out top-rated home DVDs, there are many good ones. That's assuming you don't prefer classes, which are awesome.

I will do that, thanks scotty.  I haven't done any yoga, although I've started trying to meditate, but it's really hard!