T&Ps needed for a friend

[lauranicole91]

As some of you may remember, back in 2011, a friend of mine's son was struggling for his life. Well soon after my T&P request back then, he lost his battle.

The mom is really struggling right now as the 2 year anniversary of his death is quickly approaching. She is really hurting right now and I wish I had the right words to comfort her. I just can't even imagine the heart ache so I just feel like all my words are cliche and empty feeling.

If you feel like you need a good sob, here is a letter she wrote to him shortly after his passing. She re-posted it again today and am sobbing mess.

Nine months for us to wait
We could not anticipate, the looks of your sweet little face
Fifteen weeks along we were ecstatic
when we learned we had a little boy to come!

The first time I felt you move
I couldn't help but to feel soothed
Being able to feel you alive inside me
is something indescribable you are surviving!

A foot in my ribs
an elbow to the bladder
pains in my back
it didn't matter!

What an honor for me to provide
the space that you need to grow and thrive
Forty pounds and thirty nine weeks later
before I knew it you were ready to meet.

June fifteenth, eight pm, my water broke
I didn't know what to think I thought it was a joke
All this time patiently waiting
it's finally time, ready or not here comes my baby.

Laying in the hospital, the pain started building
I never could have imagined how beneficiary
Eight hours later on June sixteenth
at three forty three am, you were finally here for me to keep.

Welcome to the world Nathaniel Jackson S
Six pounds nine ounces, twenty one inches long
perfection at it's best
you're finally right where you belong!

We didn't hear you cry, you weren't placed in my arms
we were full of fright and alarm
Little did I know your umbilical cord ripped
you lost a lot of blood and needed assistance quick.

Off to the NICU you went
as I lay there stuck, being stitched
Me and my child had been robbed
all because the doctor didn't carefully do his job.

Hours and hours went by
before we could finally come and say "Hi"
Little did we know with each step we'd take
we were about to face heart break.

The doctor said your son's very sick
he was born with a defect that has to be fixed
There have been many children with Tetralogy of Fallot
but it won't be long before he has to go.

UCDavis is the best at what they do
it has been done before, he'll be fixed up just like new!
A few hours later you were scheduled to be transferred
our whole world had been flipped upside down and shattered.

Six days old, your first open heart surgery
he can't handle the full repair, for now we'll fix his pulmonary
Walking you down to the operating room
my heart sank, and hit the floor with a boom.

Hours on end, waiting for you to get back
I could not believe your little heart had been put through that
Walking into the room seeing you hooked up to all the machines
I felt a tightness in my chest, I couldn't breathe.

An innocent child, the most precious thing to me
had been burdened with a life long difficulty
Watching you fight for your life
was the scariest thing I've ever seen with my own two eyes.

As days go by your getting stronger
with each breath you take your heart grows fonder
I see that sparkle in your eyes
and I am eternally mesmerized.

From the moment I saw your face
I knew nobody could replace
that feeling deep inside
with you right by my side.

The days felt like months
that stretched into years
many restless nights
an endless amount of tears.

On August fifteenth the doctors said you could come home
you are now well and strong enough to do things on your own
There was a lot to learn, confidence earned
I had to make sure the doctors weren't concerned.

I would go to the ends of the earth and back
because you, my son, are my other half
I cannot express how joyous I was
that moment you finally got to see the sun.

Riding in the car in the back seat
you looked so content, so sweet
I could not wait for you to come home
to enjoy everything that was your very own.

The very first night, every thing was so right
you fell asleep to the sound of my heart beat
Watching your head go up and down on my chest
it was the very first night, I could finally rest.

Days go by and we're working on our routine
with just you and me
it is my heaven on earth
my serenity.

Before I knew it, it wasn't too long
In a weeks time
we had to take you back to the doctor
something was very wrong.

You were short of breath
with blueish tint to your skin
you couldn't keep your feeds down
and blood was coming out from within.

We arrived at the hospital
and once again, they were taking you
They ran all kinds of tests, poking and proding you
Everyone seemed to be so confused.

When the results came in
the doctors said your blood was infected
we can't point out exactly what it is
this kind of bacteria is usually seen on the skin.

A week in the hospital with mommy by your side
No food, more antibiotics, lots of more tests and bed rest
By the end of the week
your tests came back clean.

I went home for the night to shower and repack
in the morning your father and I were coming back
Later that night when I called to check on you
the doctors informed me of good news.

You had been cleared of infection, and started eating again
your energy levels were up, and that much closer
to going out the door
but before jumping the gun, they sent you to the floor.

The very next morning we came to be with you
You looked terrible, they obviously knew nothing about you
Soaked in your vomit, difficulty to breathe
not only that but you were as white as a sheet.

We were enraged at your condition
it was made perfectly clear, someone wasn't cut out for their position
In an instant we made a demand
to speak with the supervisor, whoever was highest in command.

The decision was made, you needed an IV
so the doctors came in, and you didn't make a peep
This was very unusual, usually you'd scream
but your oxygen dropped lower, you were put on a breathing machine.

You were rushed back up to the PICU
and on the way you were steadily getting worse
By the time you got to your room
it looked as if you were bruised all over black and blue.

The doctors came out and said theres no other choice
were going to have to put him on emergency life support
your father and I sat there and watched
we would give anything to trade you spots.

Throughout the surgery the doctors had to
stimulate your heart, they said the machine
can do alot, but it cannot pump the heart
your body had to be able to do its part.

After they were done, they took us into a room
they sat us down and told us theres only one more option
a surgery to your stomach, to see why it was bulging
without that they had no hope, there was nothing else they could do in effort to help you.

In an instant we gave them consent
hours and hours of waiting on end
it was pure torture
the images stuck in your fathers and I head.

When they were done they brought us back into the room
they found that your colon had been consumed
the technical term they referred to was "mega toxic colon"
that was the invasion that made your stomach so swollen.

With our okay they removed it, in the drop of a hat
it was up to your body what happened after that
That was the best case scenario
all we had left to do was wait and see how the night goes.

The very next morning we were looking at you
it wasn't just bruises, your body was completely black and blue
this wasn't normal
something was wrong.

Unfortunately within minutes our suspicion was confirmed
throughout the night your heart was getting weaker
it could not keep circulating your blood
that was needed in order for your body to run.

One last dreaded time we were brought into that room
they told us we have a decision for you
Over night we got no response
your sons brain waves are now gone.

You can keep him on life support, and wait for the rest of his body to die off
or take him off now
It is the end of his journey, he will not be able to recover
what is your choice, what will you do as his mother?

That is the hardest decision to ever have to make
what is the best thing to do for our sons sake?
I couldn't picture our life without you in it
but it was clear you were suffering, this illness is your death sentence.

Me and your father knew what was right
it was beyond our control
we could not just let you lay there
waiting to die.

Nathaniel Jackson S
so innocent and sweet
I could not believe the words
that we were about to speak.

It is not fair for him to lay there and linger
as the blood stops flowing to his little toes and fingers
Our son deserves the best, it's about time
his tired little soul gets to rest.

I had one last request
I had to hold my son as they cut his life line
Your father and I had to tell you
everything was going to be fine.

I held you in my arms, we kissed your sweet little face
and told you that you can never be replaced
We let you know how much we loved you
and that there was no one we treasured above you.

You can go now, we wont be mad
in the short time you were here, you taught us so much little man!
We will love you forever and beyond
but it is time to go to a place, where you will be embraced
in no more pain, and held close to GOD's face.

My perfect little son, with an angels face
on August twenty nineth two thousand eleven, you were placed in GOD's grace

I am so happy that you were set free
from a life filled with agony
I cannot wait until the day we meet again, just you and me.

[teamhayes]

Such a sad story. I can't even imagine going through all of that.

So much heartache in the world.

[sunshineluv]

I am crying. I cannot imagine the pain she went through. You are a sweet friend to her.

I will put her in my prayers.

[lauranicole91]

I think what makes it so heart wrenching is the fact that there was almost a sense of false hope when he came through surgery okay. And even appeared to fight off the infection. But then things went down hill.

The last post she made just hours before they took him off life support was so optimistic. It was when the doctors said he appeared to be getting stronger, but in reality they had no idea how far gone he was.