Would you confront another mom about her anger?

[ladygrey]

I was at Target yesterday and there was a mom who was absolutely going off on her two sons (probably 2 and 4 years old). The boys were goofing around, typical kid behavior - nothing too wild or naughty, and the mom was screaming threats at them at the top of her lungs, "I'm going to smack you upside the head if you don't knock it off!" etc. She looked totally out of control and I was surprised that she refrained from hitting the kids in public (though my heart hurts to think of what kind of punishment they might have gotten at home later).

I thought about asking her to quiet down under the pretense of a sleeping baby in my cart, but decided that would ruffle her feathers even more, and I'm sure asking a Target manager to step in would've been pointless.

So, WDYT? Is it appropriate to speak to another mom about her anger in public? Or is it best to MYOB? Would it have made a difference if she was actually hitting her kids?

ETA: "confront" probably isn't the right word in my post title, as it conveys conflict/accusations. Maybe offering to help?

[stealthmom]

Uh, yeah. Confrontation? No.

Honestly, if it had been me I would have followed her for a while to see if she was okay- assuming I was *that* shocked at her behavior.

However, having only had one child at both those ages much less two, I can completely understand a mom absolutely losing it even if the behavior was w/in the range of normal. I've totally been there. Sometimes after I ask my kid nicely 10 times, the 11th isn't so nice especially on a day when I'm otherwise already struggling to keep it together and not doing the errands isn't an option. Now, I don't think I've ever threatened physical violence so that might have tipped me into following mode. And I'm not sure what kind of help to offer in that sitaution even though that does sound better than confrontation.

[greekypie]

It's awful, but really I think you'd want to MYOB.

[drloretta]

There are people who are able to step in and defuse the situation, they just have the personalities for it. I'm not one of those people, so I would have minded my own business.

But I have seen people get riled up at a store, and that Magic Person comes over and says something that calms the situation down. Usually an older mom type. I'd love to be able to do that, just step in and say something comforting to the mom or distract one of the kids enough for mom to calm down.

[karinothing]

If the mom hit her kids in public I would have been all over it. I once jumped on a guys back when he hit his wife in public.

Yelling? I am not sure what I would do. I would probably ask her if everything was okay, and if she needed any help. Maybe just to snap her out of it. I am not a MYOB type of gal though.

[ryry]

In this case, id definitely be uncomfortable but I wouldn't say anything. I'm sure my mom threatened to smack me and my siblings upside the head many times, but we were not abused in any way. She may have just been having a terrible day. I know there have been moments at home that I have not been proud of my own parenting.

[Deleted]

drloretta is right, there are people who are good at this but I'm not one of them. lol.

First of all, you have no idea what the rest of her day was like. I don't say that to be snarky; her behavior sounds bad to me too, but I try to keep in mind that moments like this are just a snapshot. Her kids might have been misbehaving all the live long day and this episode in Target was the straw that broke the camel's back. I really try not to judge what another mom is like based on the tiny slice of her day I might see while she is in public. I hope other moms don't judge me based on some of my worst moments--a few of which have occurred in Target! lol. Again, threats of smacking etc. don't fly with me in any situation and the mom's behavior does sound unreasonable, but you really may have caught her at the low point of her day or even month.

Second, if someone is already in such an angry state they are going to be absolutely closed to any input from a stranger. I am a pretty rational, reasonable person but when I get into the red zone, there is no reasoning with me whatsoever. It's the same reason I don't talk to DD1 about her behavior when I am super super pissed off or if she is in the throes of a full-on tantrum--nobody is going to benefit from it. We are both brick walls. We need to take a minute to cool off and get back to a state of less emotional arousal before we can be reasonable people and actually work on problem solving. So I feel like confronting someone in this situation is kind of pointless anyway, they will probably just turn their rage on you. Heaven knows I hate having strangers criticize my parenting when I am in the best of moods.

Third, if the verbal abuse was bad enough or she was hitting the children I would probably just contact a store manager rather than say something myself.

Sorry you witnessed this. I agree, it's really upsetting and I truly hope she was just having a terrible day. Unfortunately there is not a whole lot you and I can do to prevent people from talking to their kids this way.

[meltoine]

I agree with drloretta about the magic diffuser people - like the woman who talked a guy out of shooting up a school in Atlanta. I'd like to think I could have the guts to do it, but in reality I'd probably be too scared. There is a way, but finding the right words would be like finding a needle in a haystack.

[vanillacourage]

I would only intervene if she actually hit them - and (sadly, because the world is nuts) probably only if I didn't have my own kids with me.

[lizlemon19]

I think the only thing that maybe would have diffused the situation was something empathetic and non-judgemental. Like "kids and boys are tough" for example. Or "one of those days?"

[Deleted]

No. You don't know if this was an isolated incident or what was going on in her life or if these kids had been acting out of control all day or if she was PMSing (yeah, I tend to get way grumpy during this time).

[shellbear09]

For yelling I would MYOB. I also cringe to think about how it might have been at home if she is acting like that in public. Hitting is a different story and I think everyone has a responsibility to step in to protect a child.

[egishere]

Not unless she was beating them or something but I would give her a long dirty look and hope that she saw me.

[arch01]

no, i wouldn't.

i've been the recipient of the dirty looks and even a comment when disciplining my son in target. i firmly believe that unless it is truly hurting the child, then MYOB. DS loves to scream at the top of his lungs in the store and the only way to get him to stop is to get right in his face, on his level, and have my hands on his cheeks. what another parent does to discipline may not be what you find acceptable, but there are many, many things that may have gone into how they're disciplining at that point in time.

[cjeanette]

I have had to yell at my kids in Target. It happens. You have no clue what was going on with their behavior.

[mollybrown]

I agree with others. If I had actually witnessed abuse, I would contact the appropriate authorities. I wouldn't bother with the store manager since they likely wouldn't be able to do anything accept call the police. If she were simply parenting in a legal manner that I didn't approve of, I would MMOB, or say something empathetic to see if I could distract her if I was feeling lucky.

That lady sounds a lot like my own mother. Believe me, the unlucky people that gave her unsolicited parenting advice were promptly cursed out. I promise you that no stranger's lecture ever changed her parenting, as wrong as she was. There were times I got in MORE trouble for "making her look bad." These are definitely situations best handled by professionals if someone is out of control. Hopefully she was just having a bad day, and isn't so horrid normally.