Post by melindafelinda on Sept 11, 2013 20:49:55 GMT -5
Will he communicate about it at all? I always hear women say that they want the man to be more "take charge" but that not be what he likes. And it may be hard for him to communicate that to you.
You have to find something that works for both of you. And talking about it, a lot, in a fun kind of way is the best way to get there.
You know what worked for me? I asked my H to just lay in bed with me, naked and talk and just be with each other. I guess I'm a weirdo and I love being naked with him and not always with the intention of sex. Don't put the pressure on yourself and see if you can just enjoy each others company while you are nekkid.
I don't really know what to tell you but I completely understand all of this I just don't have a really great solution for you. Hang in there!
Post by looseseal on Sept 11, 2013 20:52:23 GMT -5
I'm so sorry you're having troubles. I don't have any advice, but I get what you're saying. My H and I are in a little bit of the same situation. I hope things improve for you.
Post by mandy0810 on Sept 11, 2013 20:59:12 GMT -5
This may sound dumb, but does it really matter if its boring and predictable? If you and your husband are enjoying it and you're both getting pleasure from it, does it matter if he's not dominant?
Will he communicate about it at all? I always hear women say that they want the man to be more "take charge" but that not be what he likes. And it may be hard for him to communicate that to you.
You have to find something that works for both of you. And talking about it, a lot, in a fun kind of way is the best way to get there.
I have talked to him. He says he is happy with the sex that we do have and doesn't find it boring.
But when I say it is the exact same thing every time I mean it. I can probably pinpoint what is going to be said within 10 seconds of it being said.
I may just need to find a way to let this go.
No, that's not good for you. You may just have to bring the kink yourself. And hope that he follows along and starts changing things up. Like you be the one to take charge and say different stuff. Try being flirty even when you want him to be the one flirting with you.
But if that doesn't help, you're going to need to have a serious discussion about how your needs need to be met and you need the effort from him. Not every time. But it's important that he shows that he cares about what you want.
Sex stuff is hard. I feel like making things too serious can take away from the fun and spontaneity, but on the other hand, there needs to be some discussion otherwise no one gets what they need.
You know what worked for me? I asked my H to just lay in bed with me, naked and talk and just be with each other. I guess I'm a weirdo and I love being naked with him and not always with the intention of sex. Don't put the pressure on yourself and see if you can just enjoy each others company while you are nekkid.
I don't really know what to tell you but I completely understand all of this I just don't have a really great solution for you. Hang in there!
This is a good idea and something we haven't tried. I'll give it a shot
I actually think this could be a really good idea. I know there are times where I've gotten out of the shower and gotten into a conversation with H and not put on clothes. There are times where it has led to sex just by virtue of already being naked.
This may sound dumb, but does it really matter if its boring and predictable? If you and your husband are enjoying it and you're both getting pleasure from it, does it matter if he's not dominant?
But I'm not enjoying it. At all.
. That's not good then. Maybe just do the sexy lingerie like someone suggested and see how your h responds to that. Good luck!
Post by TrickyBob on Sept 11, 2013 21:04:11 GMT -5
Look, this is going to sound super cheesy and super stupid but we bought the 101 nights of great sex game. It has his and her cards, a board game, and two booklets of sex facts. You have to answer the questions correctly in order to get cards. We don't actually use the game board, just the cards and facts (because they're interesting and silly/stupid/fun). The cards are sealed with icons on the front (involving money/gifts/a bed/etc).
It has 101 different acts/cards/etc. We agreed that if we got to a card that either one of us felt uncomfortable with, we wouldn't do it or maybe modify it and use some of the ideas.
They aren't totally dumb, some make you think, some push you into trying something new. Some are just for getting to re-know your spouse. And there even is a card about laying together naked, without sex. ETA: Some have you or him take the lead without you having to ask the other person if they can take charge.
They do make a book about this too, where you pull the pages apart, but we didn't know that. We don't use it all the time, but sometimes we'll drag it when life gets kind of boring.
Post by melindafelinda on Sept 11, 2013 21:07:38 GMT -5
He just may not be sexually dominant. Not everyone is. You may have to fantasize part of that. Pretend that he just threw you down on the bed because he needed it right now. You could try being a little more aggressive. It might bring out something in him. But maybe not. I don't think a lot of people are 100% sexually compatible.
Post by verypunny on Sept 11, 2013 21:10:55 GMT -5
You need to tell him that even though he is happy with " the regular", You need more, blame your AD and say that it just takes more to get you going these days and can't he please help you with that. If he were willing to oblige you would be more interested in sex. Tell him specifically how he can help get things going.
Please don't laugh at me...BDSM oriented tumblrs helped us pinpoint what we were looking for in terms of dominance/submission and it was easier to convey an image to him than it was to try to put it into words. Photographs worked better than video porn for both of us. We are both horribly critical of video porn and then nothing gets communicated LOL. Plus, letting your imagination go with an image tends to be a lot more organic. Just an idea. In many situations, bringing the kink to the table yourself works, but that in and of itself gave me too much control and killed the mood for me so getting to kind of indirectly show him the right direction was MUCH better.
Secondly, the suggestion of just laying together naked is always always always our go to when we're in a sex rut, ESPECIALLY if it's gotten "boring" or "routine". It leads to a lot more play and a lot less business. We put on something silly or racy depending on how uptight we're feeling about things and just let it go from there.
Post by melindafelinda on Sept 11, 2013 21:11:55 GMT -5
Also if he is asking and you are saying you are not in the mood, in his mind that might BE his attempt at initiating. So he may be confused about what you actually need.
Tell him you had a really sexy dream and spell out exactly what you want to happen as if it happened in the dream. Try it in your sexy voice.
Look, this is going to sound super cheesy and super stupid but we bought the 101 nights of great sex game. It has his and her cards, a board game, and two booklets of sex facts. You have to answer the questions correctly in order to get cards. We don't actually use the game board, just the cards and facts (because they're interesting and silly/stupid/fun). The cards are sealed with icons on the front (involving money/gifts/a bed/etc).
It has 101 different acts/cards/etc. We agreed that if we got to a card that either one of us felt uncomfortable with, we wouldn't do it or maybe modify it and use some of the ideas.
They aren't totally dumb, some make you think, some push you into trying something new. Some are just for getting to re-know your spouse. And there even is a card about laying together naked, without sex. ETA: Some have you or him take the lead without you having to ask the other person if they can take charge.
They do make a book about this too, where you pull the pages apart, but we didn't know that. We don't use it all the time, but sometimes we'll drag it when life gets kind of boring.
Don't any of you judge me! Lol
No judgement here - in fact, I have a deck of cards that have different ideas on them, and sometimes I'll just leave one on H's computer, or under his pillow.
Adult redlightgreenlight is fun too. When we were first working this stuff out we took a page from the safeword color system and made a game out of it. I laid about, he took over, and I would say green, yellow, or red depending on how I felt emotionally/physically about what was going on. No other conversation, just that, so it took the pressure off me having to ~articulate~ and the pressure off of him to fly blind. We revert back to it from time to time because my body has the attention span of a squirrel and can never be consistent.
No judgement here - in fact, I have a deck of cards that have different ideas on them, and sometimes I'll just leave one on H's computer, or under his pillow.
I find the cards super helpful. I'm SO not a dirty talker or take charge kind of person. But we follow the all week long rule that they suggest. You have 2 or so cards on day 1 and you pick whatever one you want to use for the week and you can use it whenever during the week.
We bought the game simply because we were at a sex shop one night because my husband was trying to get me to be more comfortable in talking about things we should try. I know on these cards they will tell you the make/model of the toy they suggest using.
I also like that I don't have to have an actual conversation about sex with him. I'm awkward and shy, lol and just cannot get the words out or feel like an idiot if I try to initiate. Where these take the guess work out of it and give instructions for me to follow for him. And him for me. And since he has cards too, it's not all on me every week/time.
I second the notion that toys are not really a necessity but can be fun. I have a love hate relationship with this phrase but sometimes "fake it till you make it" goes a long way. Can you resolve to being intimate with your H at least 2 nights a week? No TVs, no phones, etc just the two of you spending time together after kids are in bed? There are no expectations as far as sex goes but just some time for the two of you to reconnect?
I'm also a big touchy feeley with H so having a physical connection with him is really big for me to be in the mood later.
Instead of focusing on how much you don't want to have sex or how much you aren't in the mood, try focusing on how good the simple things are: his skin on yours, his hand in yours, how his hair feels, etc. take the focus off of the big picture and get back into the mindset of when you were dating and fascinated by the little things.
I feel like an idiot when I SAY dirty things. But I can text dirty things like a mofo. Try having dirty text conversations?
We used to do this. I should give it a shot again.
I admit that I am TERRIFIED I'd send something dirty to my mom or FIL or someone else equally as embarrassing and that has stopped me from doing it lol.
I figure at least they know your sex life is healthy. LOL. And they would be more embarrassed than you.
H and I got into a really bad rut. We have such a habit of sitting on separate couches and taking the time to be physically closer and actually sit together was a big help. Play fighting also has been a good way to get in the mood.
Probably the dumbest, but most helpful thing we've started doing was set a quota for each week. We both realized that we never know how to really initiate, but something like "soooo about that quota" wasn't nearly as intimidating and it's honestly worked better than anything else we've tried.