I think H hates being a dad

[Jermys]

Jun 21, 2012 22:19:25 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

Someone who helps a stranger with her shopping cart but can't lift a finger for his wife or child is not a "kind guy." He is a narcissist who likes the attention random acts of kindness get him.

DING DING DING!!! What does Sonrisa win? A NEW CARRRRRRRR!!!

Anyway, this is the truth. You're going to have to decide whether or not to cut your losses, but I would be willing to bet that he'll choose himself over you and your daughter.

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry I fully expected to open this post and respond with a pep talk about how being a new parent is hard, it's just an adjustment period and he's having a hard time, it's easier to bond when they get older, etc. Unfortunately, after reading your post, I don't think any of these things. It is pretty clear that your H truly doesn't want to be a dad. I think that you should go to couples counseling to talk about if it even makes sense to stay together.

Your daughter deserves so much better. I can't imagine how heartbreaking it would be for a child to grow up with a father who didn't want them and that fact was obvious. She is going to start picking up on his attitude and it won't be long before she understands what his complaints mean, and it is going to be deeply hurtful.

Honestly, I think you should let your H go. It would be better for your daughter to be raised by a single parent and have infrequent contact with her father than for her to grow up in a two parent household where one parent is resentful about being there. Plus, while of course you shouldn't rush into anything, chances are that you will find another partner down the road who loves being a parent and who will be a better father figure to your daughter.

[tulip]

Jun 21, 2012 23:26:36 GMT -5 Jermys said:

Jun 21, 2012 22:19:25 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

Someone who helps a stranger with her shopping cart but can't lift a finger for his wife or child is not a "kind guy." He is a narcissist who likes the attention random acts of kindness get him.

DING DING DING!!! What does Sonrisa win? A NEW CARRRRRRRR!!!

Anyway, this is the truth. You're going to have to decide whether or not to cut your losses, but I would be willing to bet that he'll choose himself over you and your daughter.

Not totally true. I'm in the trenches on this one. My parents would not wish my brother away, they would just wish a different time for his birth.

I'm not going to rip this guy apart, or start throwing out asshole.

He is 21 years older than her. He was almost done. The finish line was in his sight & he is now back to the finish line.

People do it. Of course they do. But it takes work to get back on the path.

OP had to know that she was getting involved/marring a man who was 21 years older. She took risks as did her H.

They both need to come to terms with those risks.

[angelaa73]

Give me a fucking break. Who cares if he's going to be 70 by the time the kid is grown. He had the first 50 yrs to fart around being a non parent. He needs to suck it up. A grown ass man does not refer to spending time with his kid as babysitting or watching, etc. If he can't handle the promotions, he can get a new job, less hours and cut some costs.

Somebody needs a freaking attitude adjustment!

[ralphlauren]

Jun 22, 2012 0:33:17 GMT -5 angelaa73 said:

Give me a fucking break. Who cares if he's going to be 70 by the time the kid is grown. He had the first 50 yrs to fart around being a non parent. He needs to suck it up. A grown ass man does not refer to spending time with his kid as babysitting or watching, etc. If he can't handle the promotions, he can get a new job, less hours and cut some costs.

Somebody needs a freaking attitude adjustment!

where is the metal emotican?

[dottieganda]

OP, honestly, I'm with the PP who was expecting to open this post and give lots of loving, helpful advice. And now I just want to smack your H in the face with a brick. As some PPs have said, he had to have known going in that he was going to be an older dad. So what's the deal? And I HATE fathers who refer to watching their own kids as babysitting. News for you, shmuck- if your the kid's father, it's not called babysitting, it's called spending quality time.

Your daughter isn't going anywhere, and the sooner your H realizes that, the better off everyone will be. For your daughter's sake, you need to figure out if you want to set her up for a lifetime of hearing how disappointed her father is in her very existence. He has two choices at this point: shape up or ship out. Anything else is a non-starter. If you think for a second that he would choose himself over you and your daughter, you need to let him go- because parenting is about sacrifice, and clearly he isn't the sacrificial kind.

I agree with GoDawgs. And from another perspective: my ILs are old enough to be my grandparents. They, too, got started late having children (DH is 6 1/2 months older than me). Sometimes there's a MAJOR generational gap there, but they were always thrilled to have my DH and his siblings. DH grew up with a father who was in his forties when DH was born, but there's never been any doubt in the family about how much DH and his siblings were loved. Your daughter deserves that, no matter how old her father is. She deserves to be loved.

[kellbell191]

I agree that he needs counseling, if you have to do couples to get him to go, so be it.

[partiallysunny]

At first I was sympathetic, but after the updates... He had a child "for you" and now he resents both of you. I would bet he took on more responsibility at work (which stresses him out and he takes out on you) to get away from his family.

This all needs to be layed out on the table (including his inability to help around the house). If he is too selfish to even agree to therapy or counseling, I'd say this marriage is finished. He really need to decide what is important to him and what he wants out of life before you can proceed.

[imoan]

Although I get that he might be freaking out that he's 51 and he'll be well into his "golden years" when the kid graduates from high school... it doesn't matter. He was 50 when he chose to pull the goalie and have the kid. To make you happy or not... he is not taking ANY responsibility for the responsibilities he had exactly 50% responsibility for creating (this includes baby, household chores, etc). So honestly, I don't give a fuck that he's getting all maudlin about his remaining time on Earth... he helped create that kid, therefore he fucking sucks it up and becomes a dad. If he doesn't want to do that... there's the door.

And I agree... someone who will help a perfect fucking stranger before helping his family (with the messes he helped make) is NOT a good person. In fact, it sounds like he's very fake... likes to come across as a great guy to those in public, but shows his REAL side when he's at home and has to deal with the every day bullshit that's called "life".


eta: heehee... I said "responsibilities" a LOT in this reply.

[peachdragon]

Jun 21, 2012 18:53:47 GMT -5 megalicious said:

Jun 21, 2012 18:51:53 GMT -5 lucky513 said:

how old is he, and how old are you?

30, 51

So, you're 51?