Post by megalicious on Jun 21, 2012 18:48:30 GMT -5
We have the most beautiful 18 m/o DD ever. She's an wonderfully sweet girl and really very good. But I just think H isn't into being a dad. He loves her and when he takes the time to play with her, they interact so well. He doesn't help me at all. He actually refers to it as "babysitting" for the 1/2 hour when he has her alone before I come home from work. Most of all, he's constantly complaining about how she interrupts him and whining about all the things he could be doing if it weren't for DD: how he/we could be traveling more, doing more fun things on the weekends, etc. There's quite a large age difference between us, and he's also always saying he's too old for this and he's starting to worry about enjoying "the time he has left", etc. It's really frustrating to me. I thought he would be an amazing dad, and he is... but only when he feels like it.
I'm kind of worried its going to be like that with us, My husband is older and is kind of selfish when it comes to stuff specially when it comes to his music. I sometimes think he will act that way
I'm kind of worried its going to be like that with us, My husband is older and is kind of selfish when it comes to stuff specially when it comes to his music. I sometimes think he will act that way
when you were trying to conceive how did he act?
The selfishness is a huge part of it. He wants to do the things that he wants to do. I feel like he sees her as interfering with him having the life he wants. I think he also sees her as interfering in our relationship. "We used to be able to talk"... "Since she was born I'm always wrong", etc. But, he also doesn't help around the house at all either. I do 100% of the baby stuff and 100% of the housework and 100% of the financial management.
ETA: Did I mention that I also work 33+ hours/wk an hour away? Just to continue my vent.
I'm kind of worried its going to be like that with us, My husband is older and is kind of selfish when it comes to stuff specially when it comes to his music. I sometimes think he will act that way
when you were trying to conceive how did he act?
The selfishness is a huge part of it. He wants to do the things that he wants to do. I feel like he sees her as interfering with him having the life he wants. I think he also sees her as interfering in our relationship. "We used to be able to talk"... "Since she was born I'm always wrong", etc. But, he also doesn't help around the house at all either. I do 100% of the baby stuff and 100% of the housework and 100% of the financial management.
Then what does he contribute to the relationship and your life together?
The selfishness is a huge part of it. He wants to do the things that he wants to do. I feel like he sees her as interfering with him having the life he wants. I think he also sees her as interfering in our relationship. "We used to be able to talk"... "Since she was born I'm always wrong", etc. But, he also doesn't help around the house at all either. I do 100% of the baby stuff and 100% of the housework and 100% of the financial management.
Then what does he contribute to the relationship and your life together?
He's smart, funny, sexy, interesting, sweet. He's a wonderful person. He's the kind of guy that helps old ladies with their shopping carts. It's just that he is his own first priority.
I'd ask him what he wants. Your daughter isn't going anywhere, and either he wants to help out or he doesn't. You can't take on everything and it's not fair for him to expect it of you. Frankly, you'd be just as well on your own.
Hmmm I am still curios as to if he has other, older children.
The reason being, I'm the oldest child of parents who had me young. When I was 18 my brother was born. No other children between us.
My parents are both older & struggling with what having a pre teen entails. I can tell you having children when you are older is night & day to having them younger.
My Dad has admitted that he tired, worn out & wishes my brother would have been born in the 80s. But he does pull his weight around the house & with kid duty.
I think your H would benefit from counseling. My making you happy he has made his life what he didn't want. He needs to deal & accept the choices he has made.
Then what does he contribute to the relationship and your life together?
He's smart, funny, sexy, interesting, sweet. He's a wonderful person. He's the kind of guy that helps old ladies with their shopping carts. It's just that he is his own first priority.
That's great and all, but there is no way I could be with someone who can't, make that won't, put someone else first other than himself. Was he a bachelor before you got married? (meaning, never been married)
Then what does he contribute to the relationship and your life together?
He's smart, funny, sexy, interesting, sweet. He's a wonderful person. He's the kind of guy that helps old ladies with their shopping carts. It's just that he is his own first priority.
I would NOT be happy in that relationship. And it doesn't seem like you are either. Talk to him. Let him know that you are not ok with everything falling on you. Ask him if he is happy to be a father. Just communicate and see where this brings you.
I'm sorry. I really am not sure how I would handle this situation.
On one hand, your husband is facing the harsh reality that he will be in his seventies before his child moves out and becomes independent. Parenting now is a lot different for him than it is you -- he may not have many good years left once she leaves.
On the other hand, he should have known this. I wonder why he agreed to ttc in the first place?
He's smart, funny, sexy, interesting, sweet. He's a wonderful person. He's the kind of guy that helps old ladies with their shopping carts. It's just that he is his own first priority.
That's great and all, but there is no way I could be with someone who can't, make that won't, put someone else first other than himself. Was he a bachelor before you got married? (meaning, never been married)
I'm not his first wife. In his defense, he is super-stressed our all the time. He has a really intense job and works 70-80 hours/wk (40 in the office, the rest at home). Part of his frustration is that he took a couple promotions he wasn't crazy about in order to earn more for the family.
your husband is facing the harsh reality that he will be in his seventies before his child moves out and becomes independent. Parenting now is a lot different for him than it is you -- he may not have many good years left once she leaves.
That's great and all, but there is no way I could be with someone who can't, make that won't, put someone else first other than himself. Was he a bachelor before you got married? (meaning, never been married)
I'm not his first wife. In his defense, he is super-stressed our all the time. He has a really intense job and works 70-80 hours/wk (40 in the office, the rest at home). Part of his frustration is that he took a couple promotions he wasn't crazy about in order to earn more for the family.
Would you working so he could work less help? I know some men go through this, no matter what their age, but at some point they need to snap out of it. He went along with you to have this child and he has to accept that and all that it entails and plug in.
I can make a long list of things I would be able to do with ease if I did not have my girls, but it's a choice I made knowing that those things were going to change.
Does he have children from his previous marriage(s)?
I'm not his first wife. In his defense, he is super-stressed our all the time. He has a really intense job and works 70-80 hours/wk (40 in the office, the rest at home). Part of his frustration is that he took a couple promotions he wasn't crazy about in order to earn more for the family.
Would you working so he could work less help?
I do work. We actually decided that I would cut my hours from 40 down to 33 so that I could take care of DD while he worked more. Even when I was FT, he makes twice what I did.
Then what does he contribute to the relationship and your life together?
He's smart, funny, sexy, interesting, sweet. He's a wonderful person. He's the kind of guy that helps old ladies with their shopping carts. It's just that he is his own first priority.
Here's the thing about sweet, wonderful people: They're not total assholes to their wife and child.
Your husband was always selfish. He was selfish when he met you, when he married you, and he's selfish now. I am wondering if he was still married when he met you (are you the second wife? third?) He has always been this way, and you knew it before you married him. You simply thought that it would be different for him "this time."
You will not get the help or partner out of him that you want. All you can do at this juncture is decide if you would rather live like this, or take your daughter and leave. Both options have pros and cons. I wish you a ton of luck.
Then what does he contribute to the relationship and your life together?
He's smart, funny, sexy, interesting, sweet. He's a wonderful person. He's the kind of guy that helps old ladies with their shopping carts. It's just that he is his own first priority.
He'll help an old lady with her shopping cart, but he won't help with his own kid or do a load of laundry. I think at first helping others would be endearing, but very quickly I would get pissed and think "why the hell can he help everyone else but me and our kid?".
Your H is 21 years older than you. This is his second go around on all of this. He wants to enjoy life. He had a child with you to make you happy & fulfill your dreams.
The man resents you & your child.
Get him & you into to therapy.
I have watched my parents struggling with raising my Brother. My Mom has not been invited to lunches, or even told were the baseball team is meeting for lunch, they the other parents think they are the Grandparents.
I know others are ripping into your H but I know what he is probably going through. I feel for him, you & your DD.
Then what does he contribute to the relationship and your life together?
He's smart, funny, sexy, interesting, sweet. He's a wonderful person. He's the kind of guy that helps old ladies with their shopping carts. It's just that he is his own first priority.
I just retched and then my eyeballs rolled so hard my brain got tickled.