Sometimes I feel like such a failure

[hannamarin]

My child has no routine. I try. But she is different every day. Bedtime is usually 7/730 but then she will go to sleep one night at 6 pm

In the morning, after an hour, she starts to rub her eyes, I put her in the bed. 5 min of quiet then screaming. I take her out.
An hour later, she is acting tired, try again. Same thing. Give her a bottle - doesnt want it. 10 min later screaming. I try everything, then finally try the bottle again. She was hungry

She ate 8 oz. my child rarely drinks more than 4 at this time

It is a constant guessing game. I feel like I should get her by now. And I am still guessing.

[Willis Jackson]

It's a guessing game forever, really.

[slug*bug]

We have routines, but honestly, DH and I realized that just when we would really have their schedules down...they'd change it up on us. Times like bed/nap/mealtime morph and change as they grow and need different things.

It sounds like you're reading her cues, etc.: I think watching for those and adjusting as best you can is the best any of us could do. Hang in there!

[zeewifeandmama]

I agree with Willi...just when you think you have it under control, they flip the game on you. I feel like I never really have the upper hand, I just got better at dealing with it. You are doing just fine, no worries!

[badtzmaru22]

People with strict schedules are weird. I cannot make my baby sleep unless she's sleepy, and I can't wake her unless she wants to be awake. She's a baby, oh well. She's happy. You shouldn't feel like a failure! You aren't doing anything wrong!

[Deleted]

She's still soooo young though. Trust me, she will develop a routine in time. You are not a failure at all, this is very common in children under one.

[crazygame]

I remember feeling this way when my daughter was about the age your daughter is. I put so much pressure on myself. She is the type that has different needs on different days, so I switched from "must have a routine" and tried to go with the flow a little bit more. I was happier once I cut myself some slack.

We finally got a consistent bedtime at about a year. This week she has gone to bed anywhere between 7:00 and 11:00. It's been a rollercoaster.

[birdmom]

I've noticed that most things are "phases." Once you get used to one phase, they move on to something else. DS is 16 months and still isn't in a routine. Honestly, it was harder on me to try to get him in a routine, so we are more "go with the flow" and it works for us. Less stressed kid, and less stressed mommy. The calmer you are, the calmer she will be. You're not a failure!

[fortmyersbride]

You're not a failure. We've never had any sort of routine with either kid, and neither seems too screwed up yet . We go off their cues, and it's always been a bit of a guessing game. Try not to stress!

[Deleted]

Don't feel like a failure! I'm sorry you're having a rough time. DS is 4 months old, and he has no routine either. Another mom asked me about that, and the look she gave when I said "I follow DS's cues, no routine" you would have thought I said I fed him poison. I guess all the time too. Tired? Nope. Hungry? Yes! Huzzah. Wet? No. Rinse and repeat allllll day long. Every when I'm "right" and he finally, say, eats, I'm still "wrong" b/c he's screaming the majority of the time. I try not to let it bother me, but it does. So I know how you feel *hugs*

[hannamarin]

Jun 22, 2012 9:09:26 GMT -5 @supergreen said:

Don't feel like a failure! I'm sorry you're having a rough time. DS is 4 months old, and he has no routine either. Another mom asked me about that, and the look she gave when I said "I follow DS's cues, no routine" you would have thought I said I fed him poison. I guess all the time too. Tired? Nope. Hungry? Yes! Huzzah. Wet? No. Rinse and repeat allllll day long. Every when I'm "right" and he finally, say, eats, I'm still "wrong" b/c he's screaming the majority of the time. I try not to let it bother me, but it does. So I know how you feel *hugs*

This is it exactly
I feel like I should know her by now. She is my baby

And this is when I think breastfeeding would work better. I could just stick my boob in her face and she would be happy, right? Probably not

[birdmom]

I know my DS well enough to know that a routine will probably never happen! Don't be so hard on yourself.

[Deleted]

I was reading a parenting book last week that actually listed "rhythmicity" as a personality trait. Some kids are very predictable - poop at the same time, nap at the same time, set your watch by their bed time. Others aren't. It's just part of who they are, not a result of good or bad parenting.

The temperament stuff is listed here if you're interested: www2.ohlone.edu/people/mmcdowell/ecs306/temperamentsratingscale.pdf

[hannamarin]

Jun 22, 2012 9:48:19 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

I was reading a parenting book last week that actually listed "rhythmicity" as a personality trait. Some kids are very predictable - poop at the same time, nap at the same time, set your watch by their bed time. Others aren't. It's just part of who they are, not a result of good or bad parenting.

The temperament stuff is listed here if you're interested: www2.ohlone.edu/people/mmcdowell/ecs306/temperamentsratingscale.pdf

This reminds me of something I read about types of babies for sleep or eating or behaviour...dont remember. Just remember there were 3 groups and then "all the rest"

[hopecounts]

Hugs.
How old is your LO?
DD didn't get remotely predictable until 10 months. We did a cycle more than a schedule, following EASY, she'd Eat, plAy, Sleep but I used her ques and rolled with it.
Sometimes she'd need a nap after an hr other days 1.5 hrs. They are growing and changing so much the first yr that I think it's pretty impossible to schedule them without CIO and forcing it unless you have one of those kids that schedule themselves.
For me I was fine with letting her lead the routine.

[sewpinkgal]

I'm super type A and really thought I'd try to get J on a tight schedule, but it just doesn't work like that for him. I've relaxed about it and just accepted that while bedtime is generally the same time every night, the rest of the day is a crap shoot and I'll just go with it. We're both much happier after I made that decision.

Also, I think sometimes babies just change their mind at the drop of a hat - J will do the same thing with a bottle - absolutely refuse one moment, whine some more and then 5 min later act like I've been starving him. Frustrating? Yes. But, I think it's also pretty normal.

[8675309]

Jun 22, 2012 8:46:38 GMT -5 slug*bug said:

We have routines, but honestly, DH and I realized that just when we would really have their schedules down...they'd change it up on us. Times like bed/nap/mealtime morph and change as they grow and need different things.

It sounds like you're reading her cues, etc.: I think watching for those and adjusting as best you can is the best any of us could do. Hang in there!

This exactly. The phases never stop. The second I stopped forcing a schedule and just adapted to the changes, was the day I stopped bawling before bed. Do we have a routine? Yes, we TRY but they change ALLLLLL the time. You have to just let go sometimes and let them work it out.

[Deleted]

Jun 22, 2012 9:42:09 GMT -5 @hannamarin said:

Jun 22, 2012 9:09:26 GMT -5 @supergreen said:

Don't feel like a failure! I'm sorry you're having a rough time. DS is 4 months old, and he has no routine either. Another mom asked me about that, and the look she gave when I said "I follow DS's cues, no routine" you would have thought I said I fed him poison. I guess all the time too. Tired? Nope. Hungry? Yes! Huzzah. Wet? No. Rinse and repeat allllll day long. Every when I'm "right" and he finally, say, eats, I'm still "wrong" b/c he's screaming the majority of the time. I try not to let it bother me, but it does. So I know how you feel *hugs*

This is it exactly
I feel like I should know her by now. She is my baby

And this is when I think breastfeeding would work better. I could just stick my boob in her face and she would be happy, right? Probably not

Heh, no. I EBF, and that doesn't help much either. And I get to deal with latching then pulling off screaming (OUCH) or spitting up on my boob, or refusing to latch at all even though I KNOW he's hungry (hasn't eaten in hours). Fun times.

[biscoffcookies]

Jun 22, 2012 8:38:39 GMT -5 @hannamarin said:

My child has no routine. I try. But she is different every day. Bedtime is usually 7/730 but then she will go to sleep one night at 6 pm

In the morning, after an hour, she starts to rub her eyes, I put her in the bed. 5 min of quiet then screaming. I take her out.
An hour later, she is acting tired, try again. Same thing. Give her a bottle - doesnt want it. 10 min later screaming. I try everything, then finally try the bottle again. She was hungry

She ate 8 oz. my child rarely drinks more than 4 at this time

It is a constant guessing game. I feel like I should get her by now. And I am still guessing.

I was reading that sleep cues -- like rubbing the eyes and yawning -- start to be way less reliable around the time a child gets to 6 months. At that point, you no longer should feel like you need to pop them in bed as soon as you see them the way you did in the earlier months.

For DD, this proved to be true. I had been getting so frustrated trying to get DD to sleep at the first sign of yawn or eyerubbing, when instead she would just cry and writhe around. Now I go a little bit more waketimes. I found a chart once that gave the typical waketimes that babies are able to handle by age, and I stick pretty closely to that.

But I totally feel you on the failure thing. About a week and a half ago DD was waking up and crying much more usual at night. I just got mad -- why wouldn't she just sleep? Then a few days later a tooth popped through. Then I felt awful --- poor baby was waking up because her mouth hurt, and it never occurred to me that she was teething. Mom fail.

[anna7602]

DD has never really had a set routine. I've realized now that it works to our advantage. When we've traveled with her, both as a baby and now, it's a lot easier for her to roll with the punches- staying up until 10 some nights because that's when we can get dinner and taking random naps in the carrier or stroller or in a car whenever and wherever. I have friends whose kids are the kind who eat lunch punctually, wake up at the same time every day with only a 3-5 minute variance and go to bed at the same time as well. They're really, really cranky when their routine is altered and don't adapt well to change.

So, for now, I shrug my shoulders and say not having a set routine works for us.

[hannamarin]

Jun 23, 2012 8:36:24 GMT -5 suzubell said:

My kid just turned two and he has never had a schedule. He's completely adjusted and does just fine at the babysitter's house, too. He's now old enough to tell me how much he wants to eat and when he's tired. He's just really flexible about everything. Some kids just are

Cool. Now I will say she is flexible and feel like less of a failure.