Friends Wedding Dilemma

[kellsbelles]

I have an out of state friend who I have known for 10 years getting married in November. She was in my wedding 5 years ago. I assumed I would be in her wedding party but when I saw her over the summer she told me that I was not. She is a born again Christian and has lets just say dove off the deep end with her 24/7 religious posts on Facebook and excessive involvement in her church. I am proud of her for turning her life around but its a little bit much. Basically she told me that she only wants people in her wedding party who are deeply religious and will help in her walk with Christ.

Obviously I'm not perfect but damn I was offended and basically took it as I wasnt good enough to be in her wedding and walked away from that conversation confused and hurt. She is really agressive and I hate confrontation so I just pretended it was ok. Now I just found out my husband will be presenting at a medical conference in Vegas that same weekend and several of my friends are going to be there too. I am torn because I dont want to piss off my friend and ruin our friendship over this but at the same time I feel like we are just in two different places and if my presence really meant that much to her I would be up there.

If I go to the wedding I will have to travel and will be alone anyways since my husband cant go with. And the location is pretty far from hotels so I'll have a long, late drive to and from as well. Ahh i dont know what to do? I am really leaning towards going to Vegas to support and have a fun time with my husband but I dont know how to tell my friend . Any advice?

[wannabe]

Do you really have a lot in common with this friend anymore? Are you still that close?

Because if not, I'd skip it.

[EmilieMadison]

It sounds like the only reason you expected to be in her wedding is because she was in yours, not because you're all that close. You dont like the way she's become, you dont agree with her super religious change of lifestyle, and you're not very close anymore. Go with your husband. Easy.

[bugandbibs]

I would send a beautiful gift and a thoughtful letter congratulating her on the wedding.

Then I would go to Vegas and have a great time.

[cbwm1]

Go to Vegas, yo.

[meganew]

I'm going to assume if your friend is big into the born again crowd that its going to be a dry wedding, making this decision pretty damn easy:

Vegas with your H and friends vs. dry wedding with people you have nothing in common with and will most likely feel awkward around


ETA: I just realized that it seems like I based my answer only on the assumption of lack of alcohol, which is really only a part of why your weekend would suck.

That being said, booze at weddings is important.

[sailorgray]

Vegas. Without a doubt.

[hisno1girl]

Sept 25, 2013 21:21:34 GMT -5 kellsbelles said:

If I go to the wedding I will have to travel and will be alone anyways since my husband cant go with. And the location is pretty far from hotels so I'll have a long, late drive to and from as well. Ahh i dont know what to do? I am really leaning towards going to Vegas to support and have a fun time with my husband but I dont know how to tell my friend . Any advice?

Based on ^that^ information alone, I'd say it's okay to skip the wedding.  It sounds like you are at different places in your life now.  Just tell her that your DH has a work thing and your attendance is required, so unfortunately, you won't be able to attend but you wish her well.

Also, if she makes noises about you missing her wedding, tell her Jesus wants you to be with her husband.

/snort

[kellsbelles]

Sept 25, 2013 21:22:47 GMT -5 wannabe said:

Do you really have a lot in common with this friend anymore? Are you still that close?

Because if not, I'd skip it.

Good point-not really. We used to be really close when we lived near each other and were both single. I just feel bad missing out her major event but if I really think about it she plays little to no role in my current life.

[sonrisa]

Are you in the medical field? Perhaps I'm a bad wife, but I never travelled with DH when he presents his research. I've gone with him occasionally if he has a conference someplace I want to visit and I'm free, but it is really for fun rather than support.

Personally, I'd go to the wedding of anyone who I was close enough to expect to be in the wedding party, regardless of whether I was asked.

[jinkies]

You are completely within your rights to skip it if you want; the invitation wasn't a summons.

It sounds like you are no longer that close anyway.

FWIW, I think the way she told you that you are not a bridesmaid was weird, but I also think it's weird that you are so hurt that you are not a bridesmaid. I was a bridesmaid in several weddings and did not reciprocate by asking them to be in mine. It happens all the time, especially when the weddings are 5 years apart. Friendships change, and you are no longer as close as you were at the time of your wedding.

Send a nice gift, and go to Vegas.

[SKP82]

Vegas.

[kellsbelles]

Sept 25, 2013 21:31:09 GMT -5 @booby said:

well, would you have gone if this vegas thing wasnt happening? if the answer is yes, then you arr a bitch who would rather go to vegas and wasted than go to a wedding of a girl you're not that close with who is probably going to have a booze-free-extra-jesus wedding.

and i dont blame you one bit. i would rather go to vegas too.

I dont think I would have. I'll just have to drink some Jesus juice in Vegas in her honor!

[kellsbelles]

Sept 25, 2013 21:31:19 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

Are you in the medical field? Perhaps I'm a bad wife, but I never travelled with DH when he presents his research. I've gone with him occasionally if he has a conference someplace I want to visit and I'm free, but it is really for fun rather than support.

Personally, I'd go to the wedding of anyone who I was close enough to expect to be in the wedding party, regardless of whether I was asked.

Yeah my husbands a Dr. Its at their annual conference and some of my close friends are going with their husbands too. To put it into perspective I probably see this girl once or twice a year and maybe shoot a text once a month. Its been like this for 5 years. 

[Overthemoon]

I would go to Vegas and not even think twice about it.

[sonrisa]

Sept 25, 2013 21:36:25 GMT -5 kellsbelles said:

Sept 25, 2013 21:31:19 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

Are you in the medical field? Perhaps I'm a bad wife, but I never travelled with DH when he presents his research. I've gone with him occasionally if he has a conference someplace I want to visit and I'm free, but it is really for fun rather than support.

Personally, I'd go to the wedding of anyone who I was close enough to expect to be in the wedding party, regardless of whether I was asked.

Yeah my husbands a Dr. Its at their annual conference and some of my close friends are going with their husbands too. To put it into perspective I probably see this girl once or twice a year and maybe shoot a text once a month. Its been like this for 5 years. 

So you are also a dr/nurse/researcher? See, I'm a lawyer so I don't actually attend his medical conferences even if I travel with him - we just do breakfast and dinner together and I play in between. He received an award at one of those conferences for his research but even that ceremony wasn't really open to spouses. 

[kellsbelles]

Sept 25, 2013 21:31:49 GMT -5 jinkies said:

You are completely within your rights to skip it if you want; the invitation wasn't a summons.

It sounds like you are no longer that close anyway.

FWIW, I think the way she told you that you are not a bridesmaid was weird, but I also think it's weird that you are so hurt that you are not a bridesmaid. I was a bridesmaid in several weddings and did not reciprocate by asking them to be in mine. It happens all the time, especially when the weddings are 5 years apart. Friendships change, and you are no longer as close as you were at the time of your wedding.

Send a nice gift, and go to Vegas.

True true. I think I was more pissed that she said I wasn't good enough to be a bridesmaid b/c I wasnt "godly" enough than the fact that Im not in her wedding. Im realizing now that we are definetly in to different places in life and she is probably part of my past and not so much the future. 

[kellsbelles]

Sept 25, 2013 21:40:01 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

Sept 25, 2013 21:36:25 GMT -5 kellsbelles said:

Yeah my husbands a Dr. Its at their annual conference and some of my close friends are going with their husbands too. To put it into perspective I probably see this girl once or twice a year and maybe shoot a text once a month. Its been like this for 5 years. 

So you are also a dr/nurse/researcher? See, I'm a lawyer so I don't actually attend his medical conferences even if I travel with him - we just do breakfast and dinner together and I play in between. 

That would be the same for me. I just found out that some of my close friends are going with their husbands so we would be able to hang out when the guys are in meetings-making Vegas all the more desirable. 

[Captain Serious]

It seems pretty clear what you want to do. I think the oly reason you are conflicted is because you know that not attending the wedding will send a message that you aren't really interested in continuing the friendship. That's the decision you have to make. If you don't go and th friendship ends, how will you feel?

[melindafelinda]

Sept 25, 2013 21:40:01 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

Sept 25, 2013 21:36:25 GMT -5 kellsbelles said:

Yeah my husbands a Dr. Its at their annual conference and some of my close friends are going with their husbands too. To put it into perspective I probably see this girl once or twice a year and maybe shoot a text once a month. Its been like this for 5 years. 

So you are also a dr/nurse/researcher? 

She refuses to answer you directly.  Clearly she is a lawyer too.

[Captain Serious]

She didn't " cut" anybody. The OP was never a member of the wedding party. She just assumed someone she was close friends with five years ago would want her as a bridesmaid.

[annyong]

Sept 25, 2013 22:27:00 GMT -5 melindafelinda said:

Sept 25, 2013 21:40:01 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

So you are also a dr/nurse/researcher? 

She refuses to answer you directly.  Clearly she is a lawyer too.

Omg, legit lol.

[zitiqueen]

Sept 25, 2013 22:41:25 GMT -5 Captain Serious said:

She didn't " cut" anybody. The OP was never a member of the wedding party. She just assumed someone she was close friends with five years ago would want her as a bridesmaid.

She also appears to have assumed, incorrectly, that weddings are tit-for-tat. Jesus Friend was in OP's wedding, therefore OP should automatically be in Jesus Friend's wedding.

OP, have you even been invited to her wedding?

[kellsbelles]

Sept 26, 2013 4:42:52 GMT -5 zitiqueen said:

Sept 25, 2013 22:41:25 GMT -5 Captain Serious said:

She didn't " cut" anybody. The OP was never a member of the wedding party. She just assumed someone she was close friends with five years ago would want her as a bridesmaid.

She also appears to have assumed, incorrectly, that weddings are tit-for-tat. Jesus Friend was in OP's wedding, therefore OP should automatically be in Jesus Friend's wedding.

OP, have you even been invited to her wedding?

I am not pissed that I got "cut" or am not in the wedding. I'm more angry that she said that I basically wasn't a good enough person to be up there with her because I'm not godly enough. This is compounded by the fact that she used to be going down a really rough path in the past which I supported her and never judged her. Now that she's found god apparently she is above everyone.

I'm realizing more and more how we are just two different people who don't have the friendship we used to. Yes I'm invited to the wedding ha it would make my life easier if I wasn't.

[Saint Monica]

Why not just say that to her

[aaxoxo75]

Ive learned I few things the hard way, one of them is that most people dont leave anything for other people, most just do what they want/need to do or what is in their best interest. So with that said I would recommend you to go to Vegas with your DH. Send her a nice gift and thats it. Have fun in Vegas, I freaking love Vegas!

[kellsbelles]

Sept 25, 2013 22:27:00 GMT -5 melindafelinda said:

Sept 25, 2013 21:40:01 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

So you are also a dr/nurse/researcher? 

She refuses to answer you directly.  Clearly she is a lawyer too.

Ha! Nope not a doctor-I shudder at the thought of having to do residency! My husband just finished his in June and I have no idea how they do it.

[kellsbelles]

Sept 26, 2013 5:57:05 GMT -5 Saint Monica said:

Why not just say that to her

Because I am a huge baby and hate confrontation it's pretty pathetic I know. Instead I come to a message board and talk crap very cathartic In all seriousness though I realize I should start saying how I feel at the time and not internalizing or pretending everything's fine when it's not.

[kellsbelles]

Sept 26, 2013 6:17:08 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

you feel close enough to her that you expected to be in her wedding and are hurt that you are not. 

And yet, there is this rift between you, that she is now uberreligious and has used this as a wedge between you, and her religious feelings are why you are not in the wedding. 

If you want this friendship to continue, or to have a chance of reigniting later, you should probably go to the wedding in whatever role she sees you there as, which is apparently as a guest. Which being asked to a wedding is an honor, in and of itself.  You are assuming, too, that she will be uber religious all her life, from now on, forever and ever; she may not. Lots of people fall away from this sort of thing, and in a year or two she may be back to her old self and feeling sheepish about her uber religious ways. You may care enough about the friendship that you want to leave a door open for her to come back in if and when that happens. 

Have you already accepted your invitation? If you have, you should not renege.  If you have not, make your decision about which pthing you're going to do.  If you don't go, I would send a really nice card, and a really nice gift. 

Great points thanks for your insight. That's what I am worried about is that our friendship would be completely over (although its barely hanging on as it is) if I do not go. She just sent out the invitations and I haven't told her either way yet. I'm trying to put myself in her shoes and think about if I'd be devastated over an old out of town friend not being able to make it?

[RoxMonster]

Sept 25, 2013 21:27:51 GMT -5 hisno1girl said:

Sept 25, 2013 21:21:34 GMT -5 kellsbelles said:

If I go to the wedding I will have to travel and will be alone anyways since my husband cant go with. And the location is pretty far from hotels so I'll have a long, late drive to and from as well. Ahh i dont know what to do? I am really leaning towards going to Vegas to support and have a fun time with my husband but I dont know how to tell my friend . Any advice?

Based on ^that^ information alone, I'd say it's okay to skip the wedding.  It sounds like you are at different places in your life now.  Just tell her that your DH has a work thing and your attendance is required, so unfortunately, you won't be able to attend but you wish her well.

Also, if she makes noises about you missing her wedding, tell her Jesus wants you to be with her husband.

/snort

LOL I'm assuming this is a typo, but it was too awesome to not mention.