Nighttime randoms

[tiramisu]

I'm sitting in an Irish pub waiting for my friend to arrive. The people at the take next to me just started singing Silent Night.

Too much Guinness maybe?

[tiramisu]

And now I'm feeling kind of angry with my friend, as well as with myself. This guy had approached us, I got him to leave us alone, and then when we were leaving he approached again. She wanted to reassure him that we didn't reject him because we didn't think he was good enough. And then he kept pushing boundaries. I'm frustrated that I didn't stand up for us and set former boundaries sooner. But then when he went to the bathroom I tried to get her to leave and she thought it would be rude to leave without saying anything.

He was drunk but his buddy wasn't. The bouncer was right there. But I still felt like it wasn't a good situation and we needed to leave it. I'm nervous for my friend because it seems like she has no sense of self-preservation and am angry because it seemed like she thought it was more important to keep him from feeling badly than to respect how I was feeling or our own boundaries. And now I feel like we shouldn't go out together anymore because she'll be concerned with being polite and I'll be concerned with staying safe/minimizing risk. She's one of my closest friends. But I think she thinks I'm nuts for my reaction. Ugh, guess this is really a vent. If you read it, thank you.

[captainmel]

Your vent is much closer to how I would react. Why didn't the bouncer step in? Also, maybe at abno pressure time you could talk to your her about why your reaction was this way and why you feel it is important to do so.

It is 3:30 am and I am awake. Fuck insomnia.

We put our down comforter on the bed last night because yesterday was so cold. I adore my down comforter. My bed is soooooo soft and cozy and warm and perfect.

[partiallysunny]

I'm stuck on the fact that she felt the need to reassure him. Wtf?

So now when we don't like/don't want to talk to people, we need to check in on them to make sure they're not psychologically scarred in anyway?

I'm so lost at this train of thought. Is she one of those people who always needs to "fix" someone?

[Deleted]

It is NOT CHRISTMAS YET. PUT THAT STUFF AWAY.

Target already has a Christmas isle. No, just no.

[tiramisu]

Sept 26, 2013 6:55:10 GMT -5 partiallysunny said:

I'm stuck on the fact that she felt the need to reassure him. Wtf?

So now when we don't like/don't want to talk to people, we need to check in on them to make sure they're not psychologically scarred in anyway?

I'm so lost at this train of thought. Is she one of those people who always needs to "fix" someone?

She does see men as helpless and needing support from women. I've pointed out it's not her job to fix them, but she doesn't think that's what she's trying to do. It's hard, because she seems to think her decisions are totally logical (she's a scientist and also isn't very in touch with emotions) but they're not always. She's also been trying to be considerate of the needs and feelings of the guy who just broke up with her instead of taking care of herself first and thinking of him second.

We've had conversations when things aren't tense and she still doesn't see what she's doing. It's incredibly frustrating and I'm scared the only way she'll learn is if something bad were to happen. She thought that guy last night (who licked her hand TWICE) was polite for a drunk guy. It's like she can't pick up on potential signs of danger.

[partiallysunny]

That's scary

[captainmel]

I have no words.

[tiramisu]

Thanks ladies. It helps to hear that my reaction is valid. I sometimes worry that I see danger where it doesn't exist or I over-exaggerate the danger because of what I've been through. I was sexually assaulted once in public (guy in a crowd grabbed my crotch hard and then kept walking), I've had a couple peeping toms, and I had a very mild stalker once. So I definitely err on the side of caution.

Any ideas how I can present a logical argument to her to get her to understand, even a little? I was thinking of outlining the boundaries he disregarded and pointing out to her how after each one she gave in on he would push another one.

[partiallysunny]

Sept 26, 2013 9:46:44 GMT -5 tiramisu said:

Thanks ladies. It helps to hear that my reaction is valid. I sometimes worry that I see danger where it doesn't exist or I over-exaggerate the danger because of what I've been through. I was sexually assaulted once in public (guy in a crowd grabbed my crotch hard and then kept walking), I've had a couple peeping toms, and I had a very mild stalker once. So I definitely err on the side of caution.

Any ideas how I can present a logical argument to her to get her to understand, even a little? I was thinking of outlining the boundaries he disregarded and pointing out to her how after each one she gave in on he would push another one.

Do you think she'll listen?

[starrieskies]

EEEWW! He licked her hand?? that would be enough for me. I would be out the door in a heartbeat! I've had some creepy encounters before, but that's just odd...

I do think it's worrisome that she seemed to have disregarded her own feelings of discomfort in order to make sure Creepy Creeperton was "ok". Even more concerning to me would be if she didn't have any discomfort at the situation, so I have to believe in my mind that there was some.

[gault]

ICKY on her part.

[tiramisu]

She justified it to me as: he's a cop so tge government has looked extensively into his background, his buddy (actually his partner) was there to chaperone him, and the bouncer was right there. So clearly she understood on some level that there was danger. But she'd still rather not let him go home feeling badly about himself rather than protect herself.

I think part of what's really bothering me about this is that I felt forced to stay in a potentially dangerous, definitely not-okay situation because I wasn't going to leave her alone and she was more concerned with being polite to him than being considerate of me. Those of you who are FB friends with me, the most recent post on my timeline is from her, about last night.

[neonpink]

Tiramisu your reaction is exactly what I would have done and felt. Who cares what drunk dude feels. You won't see him again.

I've actually lost a friend because the way we behaved became so different. I'm all about going out and having fun but be safe. One story she told me how she went out to a bar with some guys, they left to do something, she stayed then ended up smoking some random weed and had drinks with a stranger in the shadiest of bars in town at 4 am. It's the kind of bar you take a wing girl with you. I didn't say anything disapproving but I think my big eyed look of shock might have gave my feelings away.

Sometimes you can't make people understand that not everyone is there friend. I may err to far on the side of caution but I am always mindful of my safety.

[partiallysunny]

Sept 26, 2013 11:29:28 GMT -5 tiramisu said:

I think part of what's really bothering me about this is that I felt forced to stay in a potentially dangerous, definitely not-okay situation because I wasn't going to leave her alone and she was more concerned with being polite to him than being considerate of me. Those of you who are FB friends with me, the most recent post on my timeline is from her, about last night.

what did she say when you told her this?

[tiramisu]

Sept 26, 2013 12:33:06 GMT -5 partiallysunny said:

Sept 26, 2013 11:29:28 GMT -5 tiramisu said:

I think part of what's really bothering me about this is that I felt forced to stay in a potentially dangerous, definitely not-okay situation because I wasn't going to leave her alone and she was more concerned with being polite to him than being considerate of me. Those of you who are FB friends with me, the most recent post on my timeline is from her, about last night.

what did she say when you told her this?

I didn't tell her that yet, but I'm going to today I think.

[captainmel]

I hope she listens tiramisu. Those are some crazy boundaries that were being pushed and I worry for your friend if she can't see that.

Can you explain it in a way that values her self esteem and worth over the creepy hand licking cops self esteem? Also, if I knew what precinct he was in I would report his behavior to his captain.