Incredibly flammable - gender disappointment

[rdgove]

DD is 2.5 and the love of my life. Now I'm almost due with baby #2 and have been thrilled - up until earlier this week when I had a routine ultrasound and we discovered that our Team Green baby has a dialated kidney. The doctor assured us that this almost always turns into nothing, but I will have two more ultrasounds before birth to be extra sure. Also, we were told it is something that almost exclusively happens in boy babies (80-85%).

For the first couple days, I was upset, confused, worried, etc...I figured all due to the potential problem with our baby's kidney and what that could mean...but now I've realized that I'm actually VERY upset to learn that the baby is most likely a BOY! And I feel awful for even thinking negatively about the gender, especially because I know it is a blessing to be having what will most likely be a healthy baby and others would kill for this.

We have an amazing life and it is killing me that I feel like a death has happened now that I have this idea of the baby being a boy. For some reason, since I conceived, I was SURE this baby would be a girl like my first. The thought of a boy barely crossed my mind (stupid, right?). Dreamed it was a girl even, many times. I was so excited to have two little girls. Now I feel like I'm in mourning...the thought of the baby being a boy has disconnected me to the pregnancy and the excitement. For some reason, I feel like I won't love this baby if it's a boy...I have no idea why. Maybe because my daughter is such a girly girl and we have such a close bond...I don't know.

I am heartbroken and feel like an ass. I have made an appt with a therapist for Monday to help me work out these feelings.

Somebody, please help me get it into my mind that this is a GOOD thing and not the end of my world. I hate feeling this way and feel like I need a slap upside the head.

[countthestars]

It's okay that you feel that way. Don't beat yourself up about it! I think talking to a therapist is a great idea to help you sort out your thoughts. There is still a chance that your baby will be a girl, but either way - you will love and have a very special bond with your baby.

[hannamarin]

It is okay to feel this way for a few days. But you need to start focusing on the positives of having a boy. Something new! One of each! Start buying boy baby clothes and get excited.
It doesnt even mean you really wanted a girl, you just got that in your head and now you are reworking the plan.

I have to admit that I really dont want a second child. I think it will be too much for me to handle and the risks of the pregnancy are high. However, if there was a guarantee it was a boy, I would do it for my H because I know he would love to have a son.

[Deleted]

I will admit that I kind of wanted a girl, and that I do hope my next child is a girl. That said, having a boy has been really fun so far. He adores me entirely - gender has no impact on that. I like boy toys more than girl toys - I know kids can play with anything, but it's more fun to me when people give us Tonka Trucks and such.

It really just doesn't matter. Your child will be YOUR child - your very own amazing child. Gender roles and generalizations don't mean anything once you hold your baby and get to know him day by day.

[lindyanne]

I haven't gone through this but I'm 100% sure I would have had my DS been a DD. we called it 'he' all along and started calling it 'Jack' at 20 weeks when our ultrasound showed it was like 70% boy. I never wanted a girl bc I was afraid of the 'girly girl' stuff. I'm sorry you're going through this. I think once the initial shock wears off you'll grow to love him and be happy. Good luck at the counseling appointment.

[sewpinkgal]

Are you sure it's a boy? Just because the odds say that it is, doesn't mean that it might not be a girl.

In any case, I always thought I wanted a girl first and then eventually a boy, but my son is my best little guy and I wouldn't trade him for a girl for anything. ANYTHING. I've heard from friends that have both that there is just a really special bond that exists with mothers and sons and I agree. You would be his first everything and the standard to which he uses to measure other women. I also had a friend tell me that she was so happy I was having a boy because she knew that I would raise a good man - I mean, how amazing it that!

I really hope you're able to work through this disappointment because really, once that baby is here and in your arms, he needs you to love him like he is your one and only.

[birdmom]

There's still a chance that it could be a girl. I have a little boy, and I was afraid because I know nothing about boys. He's 16 months now, and he is obviously the love of my life, but we are bonded in a way that I didn't figure I could bond with a child. It's a great idea to talk to a therapist, but you will love it no matter if it is a boy or a girl!

[ijack]

I'll admit that I felt the same way when I found out our 2nd was a girl. I know it's horrible, but I always pictured having a girl and a boy and I really think that I relate to boys better. We found out at 16 weeks and it took me a while to really come to terms with it (a couple months and 4 u/s). It wasn't just that I was scared of having another girl, but I was also mourning my "dream."
Obviously I got over that and #2 is amazing and more than I could have ever hoped for. I can't even begin to imagine having a boy.
It's okay to admit that you're disappointed. Give yourself some time to mourn it, you'll get over it.
Hugs, I hope that the kidney turns out okay!

[8675309]

As a mom who has a beautiful 2.5yr old DD and now a 4month old baby boy, I was elated for my husband that he was going to get his boy. Sure, I wanted another girl because of the sister bond but now that he's here I cannot imagine it differently.

Your disappointment won't last long once you meet him. There is something about a mother son bond that is SOOOOO different than the bond I have with my DD. I mean, a WORLD apart. Give yourself sometime to adjust to the news.

I would be more worried about his kidney than his gender. Not trying to flame you but 10 fingers, 10 toes and a HEALTHY baby is all that should matter to you.

[slug*bug]

I'm so sorry that you're disappointed... I think it's really brave to admit that you're having a hard time.

I have one of each, which is perfect for us, so I can't say I understand exactly what you're feeling, but I do remember being afraid of disappointment...not so much mine, but my family's.

FWIW, when I was pg w/#2, my mom went on and on and on about how my life would never be complete until I had a daughter. I was sick b/c we were pretty sure we would be done after a second baby, boy or girl, but it was awful. I was so afraid that I'd be disappointed if we had a second boy and then have someone unhelpfully reminding me what they thought I'd be missing out on b/c the baby was the 'wrong' sex.

Hang in there: I hope your therapist can help you work through things and give you some peace.

[atouchofklasse]

Honestly, as the mother of a boy, I kind of find this insulting.

I hope your baby's kidney is ok.

[Noralie]

It seems really huge right now, but give it some time. Once you get to know your little guy (or girl - DD2 had a dilated kidney in utero and she is most definitely not a boy), it won't matter that he wasn't what you were picturing as your ideal.

If I were in your place, I would just find out the sex at your next ultrasound. Better to know for sure and adjust to it now then feel this way after delivery.

[ijack]

I agree with finding out. I had a friend who had some disappointment after the baby was born and combined with hormones it was baaaaad.

[slug*bug]

Jun 22, 2012 15:25:01 GMT -5 atouchofklasse said:

Honestly, as the mother of a boy, I kind of find this insulting.

But these are her feelings about her situation...I don't think that this has anything to do with any of the rest of us who have boys and are (presumably) thrilled to be moms of sons.

[Ashley&Scott]

Ditto everyone else, I would find out now for sure at your next u/s. Then give yourself time, when things don't turn out as planned it can take a bit to adjust. I also like the suggestion of buying some boy things

I think talking to your therapist is a good idea too.

(this is why I don't think I could do team green, I need time to process big news.)

[bronxgirl]

Jun 22, 2012 15:39:06 GMT -5 slug*bug said:

Jun 22, 2012 15:25:01 GMT -5 atouchofklasse said:

Honestly, as the mother of a boy, I kind of find this insulting.

But these are her feelings about her situation...I don't think that this has anything to do with any of the rest of us who have boys and are (presumably) thrilled to be moms of sons.

exactly. What could you possibly feel insulted about?

[hopecounts]

I don't think it's wrong to need a few days to a week to process that you're baby is a girl/boy. If it lingers then you need to deal with why you are so upset, but imaginng one type of family (2 girls) and finding out you are having a different family (1 girl 1 boy) especially given the circumstances of how you found out seems pretty understandable.
I would find out for sure so you can have some finality then move forward and focus on all the awesome things about having a son!

[satama]

Jun 22, 2012 16:00:43 GMT -5 bronxgirl said:

Jun 22, 2012 15:39:06 GMT -5 slug*bug said:

But these are her feelings about her situation...I don't think that this has anything to do with any of the rest of us who have boys and are (presumably) thrilled to be moms of sons.

exactly. What could you possibly feel insulted about?

Yes, sorry, it makes absolutely no sense for you to take her feelings personally. Some people want girls, some want boys, some really don't care. What does it have to do with you and your son?

Anyway, OP I think it is ok to feel that way and even somewhat normal. I would talk to someone and if you can find out the sec at the next ultrasound so you have time to process. I actually also think buying some cute boy things might help. Or choosing the name. But who knows, the baby might be a girl and all the bad feelings you are having would be for nothing.

Hope the baby is ok and that you are able to feel better about the sec of the baby either way.

Fwiw I have two boys and if we do go ahead and have a third I will likely be somewhat sad if I dont get a girl because it will be my last chance. My two boys are super awesome though.

[redheadk]

Jun 22, 2012 16:26:10 GMT -5 satama said:

Jun 22, 2012 16:00:43 GMT -5 bronxgirl said:

exactly. What could you possibly feel insulted about?

Yes, sorry, it makes absolutely no sense for you to take her feelings personally. Some people want girls, some want boys, some really don't care. What does it have to do with you and your son?

Exactly.

OP, maybe you are overly focused on the gender and the loss of the picture in your head that you had of this baby as a way to subconsciously distract yourself from your worry about the baby's health? It's one thing to know that baby is likely okay but it's another to know that the baby is actually okay. Maybe you are hung up on this because the other thing to focus on is so scary.

[Deleted]

I went through something sort of similar with #3. I was team green but in a follow up U/S (possible issues showed up) I was SURE I saw that it was a girl. My heart sank...like really sank...I thought about it for days later. I really wanted a boy--I already had 2 girls & really wanted to have at least 1 of each gender & I know my DH would love a son. But I didn't find out for sure so I held out hope. I should have just found out. At her birth I got that same sinking feeling when they announced which is so terrible to admit--but true. In my heart I knew she was a girl but not finding out made me keep hope alive & it did affect my birth experience. But it was fleeting in the moment & we certainly bonded. But I thought about it even after DD3 was born--to totally get "over it" took way longer than I'd like to admit. She's 3 now & I cannot imagine our family without her--those feelings did not affect her, our bond, our relationship or anything like that. They were personal, inner (I never said a word to ANYONE IRL) & something I dealt with alone. She also had development/health issues & they really put things in perspective for me as well. You will adore your baby--don't worry about it. I think what was hard for me was that life "didn't turn out the way I envisioned" & I had no control over it. It wasn't really about her...it was giving up my expectations/plans of my life (which to that point had gone pretty much how I had planned). Good luck & you'll be a wonderful mother to a boy or girl!

[barefootcontessa]

I agree with you that this is indeed flammable. Are you sure you are not just deflecting your anxiety about the kidney issues? I can see a day or two of mild disappontment but to continue stewing about seems a bit much. Is there a particular reason why you did not want a boy?

[littlemermaid]

Yes, this post is flammable. Why are you getting yourself all worked up when you don't even know the actual sex of the baby? Just because 80% of children with this are boys, that leaves 20% being girls. You are allowed to be disappointed for a total of 5 minutes and then you need to snap out of it and be thankful that you can conceive and have children.

[megs193]

Jun 22, 2012 17:18:34 GMT -5 barefootcontessa said:

I agree with you that this is indeed flammable. Are you sure you are not just deflecting your anxiety about the kidney issues? I can see a day or two of mild disappontment but to continue stewing about seems a bit much. Is there a particular reason why you did not want a boy? [/

I agree that the OP may just be deflecting her feelings about her baby possibly having a kidney issue. I understand gender dissapointment because we are having a second boy and I really wanted a girl. With that being said I talked to my best friend and cried a little bit and 2 days later I was fine. Watching my husband and my son together is so amazing that I couldn't imagine him not having a son. Maybe try to focus on it from that point of view.

[Deleted]

I don't think having these feelings is flammable - they're just feelings after all. In the end you may find it a blessing to process these feelings now vs when the baby arrives. If it were me I would definitely find out now.

Do you have the final diagnosis re his/her kidney? (If you said and I missed it - sorry!). I wish you all the best with that.

[drloretta]

I agree that this is flammable, but I'm glad you're going to a therapist and working through this. There's "I really wanted another girl" and then there's "I feel like a child has died because it's the 'wrong' gender".

And yeah, I'd get gender confirmation before throwing yourself off the deep end. You're going to feel like you wasted however much time fretting over this if you find out you're actually having another girl.

[h]

Don't be so hard on yourself. Gender disappointment is not uncommon. I promise if your baby is a boy, you will love him once he is here.

I always wanted and pictured myself with girls. I hoped my first would be a girl--he's a boy. Same story the second time around. I adore my two boys. They are so sweet, funny

[beaver12]

I'm sorry you're going through this. When I was pregnant with DD I really wanted a boy. I had always pictured my life as a mom to boys. When we found out she was a girl I was disappointed. It only took me a few days to warm to the idea, but much longer to actually be excited about having a girl. I absolutely love being a mom to a little girl now. I also have a DS and adore him as well. My love and bond with each of them is so different, but equally as great.
I hope your child's kidney ends up being okay. You'll love a son just as much as you'd love a daughter, once you get to know him.

[nonsenseabound]

Our daughter's kidney was slightly dilated in utero, turned out to be nothing. AND she is a girl!

[honeybee]

Not flammable. I don't think your disappointment is with the fact that you're likely having a son, but rather the loss of this picture you had in your head. It's normal to feel that sense of loss, much like a parent who has a child with a disorder that isn't in any parents picture or the kid who doesn't go to the college mom and dad always dreamed of. You have every right to feel disappointment at loosing that "vision."

Give it some time to come to terms with a new vision and you'll be dreaming of tonka trucks, baseballs and dinosaurs in no time

[nonsenseabound]

Plus, we have a son who is wonderful. I was very much on the fence for the gender of our second child, it truly didn't matter to me. But my dh was soooo happy to have a boy. I love my little man so much. He's a sunshiny guy who makes my day.

Being disappointed now should have no effect on your son. Plus, you can look forward to a completely different experience with a boy.