Toddler Tantrums - How do you deal?

[mrssandro]

My daughter has gone from being a simple happy 2.5 old to a horrid little devil toddler when something doesn't go her way. I am not exactly sure what is causing her to be so upset all the time but it is driving me crazy.

Example:

Mornings are terrible. I have to wake her up. Sometimes she is already awake. As soon as I come into the room she says NO! Me Sleeping! No Mama! ...and screaming and tantrums begin from here.

I ask her what dress she wants to wear. Give her three options. She starts screaming if the dress she wants is not available.

She won't go use the potty at all. I have to drag her to the toilet (tears and all) and place her there. Then she will hold it and tell me NO! NO! NO!

I know it's my fault. Perhaps she can see how much this angers me but I feel like giving up. I have tried time out & making it into a game & being uber patient & taking away privileges. It just feels like we are going to war every morning or anytime she doesn't like or want to do what I need her to do.

I am about to pull out my hair. Advice? I know my kid is strong willed. I know this is just growing pains but I need some new strategies.

[oregonpachey]

Oh man, I feel your pain. My son is just starting the tantrum stage BIG TIME. He is very strong willed and is now using NO like it's nobody's business.

What I find most effective is say something like "I know you are upset but tantrums are not acceptable" and then I leave the room or situation.

This drives my husband crazy. He doesn't think it's effective but guess what? His method doesn't work at all (Telling him NO in a stern voice). When he doesn't have an audience, he stops pretty quickly.

If this doesn't work, you could try time outs, or maybe just putting her in her bed for a few minutes until she can calm down.

[rootbeerfloat]

I hear you. DD's three favorite words these days are: no, never and nothing.

I let DD pick her outfit for the day and her pajamas at night, like she literally walks over to her dresser and pulls out what she wants. She likes this so much that it usually gets her out of bed and into the bath at night. Sometimes things don't match (though less often than you might expect), and I learned to only keep weather appropriate clothing in her drawers.

For the potty, I either bribe her or just let her go when she wants (if we're at home). If she has an accident, oh well, it's part of the learning process. I'm not saying it's easy to be this zen, but losing my shit through a power struggle (which happens often) isn't effective either.

[mrssandro]

DD is completely potty trained. She doesn't ever go in her overnight diaper ever. I have seen her in the past forget to go potty and start to go on the floor. Hence why I tell her to potty in the morning. Surely she has to go since she hasn't in 10 hours. It just has to be her idea. Sigh.

[rootbeerfloat]

I know it's so frustrating. I found that DD doesn't need to go right when she wakes up; she can wait 15 minutes or so. So if I get her in a good mood to begin with, she is more likely potty willingly.

[8675309]

I know this is going to sound TOO easy but start a behavior chart. My 2 1/2yr old DD was a MONSTER when we brought DS home 4 months ago. I mean, I would have to run from her and lock myself in the bathroom to get my sanity back. I was crying almost every day because I felt like the worst parent ever.

I started a chart to reward the positive behavior and also to show her what is expected of her. I got most of the images for the chart online and focused on things we were struggling with. Like waking up pissed off at the world, putting toys away, eating her dinner, brushing her teeth,bathtime etc. As the day progresses and she does one of these things she gets a sticker. If she gets ALL her stickers for the day she gets 2 skittles. (Pick a reward that works for you).

I cannot tell you what a difference this made. She LOVES going to her "good girl chart" to tell me what she's done and I have seen a HUGE change in her attitude. Especially in the moment of a tantrum and I remind her of that chart. For instance, one of our biggest tantrums were over getting in her carseat after I picked her up from daycare. IF I called her out and asked her if she wanted that sticker for her candy, she shut her trap and focused on getting it done. Its been the best thing ever. No joke.

[af1212]

I think that reading or watching the DVD of 123 Magic could be helpful in your situation. Are you familiar with it?

[mrssandro]

Excellent advice on the sticker chart. I was wondering what age to start it. She may be ready for that. I think maybe she just not getting challenged enough with school. She is about to be moved up to preschool. She loves going to their class and learning things.

The tantrums are really getting bad and they do leave me in tears half the time. I just don't even want to be around her when she starts. The good times are great but the bad times are REALLY bad.

[drloretta]

It's not your fault. Their little brains are going through a LOT at this age, and it doesn't always come out in appropriate behavior. Add the moving in preschool, and I could see how she's thrown off a bit.

At this age they're pushing boundaries, and you have to set them and stick to them. Sometimes it will be ugly, but if they know the boundaries, eventually this will feel like a safe routine for them. You may have to try different techniques to see what works, but you'll find something.

[MixedBerryJam]

I have bad news for you if she's 2.5 now. She'll only get better at temper tantrums, until one day, she'll stop. I blogged about number one son's worst tantrum ever.

It sounds trite to say, but: ignore, ignore, ignore. And it sounds like you're doing everything right, giving her limited choices lets her have some sense of control, like with clothing. And you already know you can't force her to potty train. My other sone (I'd call him "Number Two" but that would be ironic in this context) was really late potty training, and had a "big event" while we were on vacation once, and when we got home he informed me that he only pooped in hotel toilets.

Don't go bald pulling your hair out, unless you like the shiny pate look, because you have a couple of years ahead of you, is my guess!

Good luck!

ETA: And one thing that honestly and truly helped me through the worst of those days is the knowlege that my kids' strong wills are going to serve them well some day.

[webmistress0609]

As you already know, tantrums are pretty normal at this age. It's because your LOs brain is going through massive development & is also seriously high in emotional hormones & chemicals. She doesn't understand how to regulate all this yet. Tantrums are a good learning experience to teach her how to deal. They aren't a time to feed into a power struggle.

One thing that jumps out @ me is that you're having to wake her & she's immediately pissy. I would suggest moving up bedtime as she may be tired in the a.m. I know Ari is absofuckinglutely awful if he's woken before he's "ready". This may solve several problems for you.

Another thing is that the dress (or whatever) is not a big deal to you, but that may be like, her whole world that day. It seems dumb but it's not to her - she hasn't learned to cope with disappointment yet. Again, you can help teach her.

Trying to teach during a tantrum is fruitless - trying to intervene more than minimally can actually make it worse. During the tantrum, you can simply say "when you can calm down, we'll talk" & leave it at that. If found with Ari that if I left the room, he freaked out even worse. So unless he was hitting or something, I would just sit quietly in the corner. After he finished, I would say something like "I know you really wanted to wear XYZ shirt, but it isn't clean. Next time, you can say you are sad about it & we'll pick something else & move on," or "when you yell & throw a tantrum, we can't fix this problem," or "what could you do to calm down next time instead of tantruming?" then offer options (cuddle dolls, read a book, take deep breaths, etc.)

This takes time. But the tantrum stage is not going away regardless, & punishing isn't going to stop a natural stage in development. Giving her tools to improve her behavior & deal with disappointment will last her a lifetime though.

Routine charts are also helpful for a.m./p.m. routines. That way you can ignore stalling & just say "what's next on our routine chart? Yes, brushing teeth" w/o arguing.

As far as the potty goes, stop. She's not ready or willing. Forcing her to use the potty is just going to make it worse & make it take longer. You're setting up a power struggle, & you're not going to win over bodily functions. You could be setting her up for bigger issues with holding pee/poop down the road. Let it go & come back to it when she's ready.

[sawyerthedestroyer]

I'll be honest, sometimes the way he tantrums is so funny it's all I can do but laugh. It's just a clear cry for attention, the way he looks right at me and throws himself down, looks to see if I'm watching, twists around and screams a little bit, checks to see if I'm still watching. It's comical to me. Maybe I'm just mean, but whatever, when I find it funny I can't get angry about it.

I agree with PPs about the rest, ignore, ignore, ignore. He seems to calm down a lot quicker when he doesn't think I'm paying attention.

Sure, my kid's about a year younger than yours and I'm sure I'm still in for a long run of tantrums, but that's my two cents.

[8675309]

Jun 22, 2012 17:03:52 GMT -5 mrssandro said:

Excellent advice on the sticker chart. I was wondering what age to start it. She may be ready for that. I think maybe she just not getting challenged enough with school. She is about to be moved up to preschool. She loves going to their class and learning things.

The tantrums are really getting bad and they do leave me in tears half the time. I just don't even want to be around her when she starts. The good times are great but the bad times are REALLY bad.

Try it. Seriously, I was sceptical at first but once we were in the thick of it I realized that kids their age communicate tangibly. I could say "we don't act like that" all day long and it never got anywhere. As soon as she knew that brushing her teeth or waking up happy made mommy and daddy cheer with stickers ready she was allllllllll about it!