It wasn't right that she went out of her way to read the messages, but I would stay out of it. To me, it's an issue between your sister and your father.
I talked to my dad and told him how pissed I was, mostly at FI for the major unwarranted violation of my privacy but also at him for allowing shit like this to happen. He told me FI knew she was wrong and came to him and said she felt so bad for what she had done but they HAD to talk about texts alluding to drinking and texts regarding my sister's lack of supervision at my mom's apartment (none of these were texts to/from me - I don't supply high schoolers with alcohol). I said that FI never had any reason to read my text messages because there was never any suspicion that I had ever been anything less than a fantastic role model for Jen and that they all know I am always looking out for her best interest. That was purely done to snoop and possibly see what we had ever said about her. He agreed and said he knows she was wrong to do that but I have to talk to her about it. He's right, but I am afraid if I talk to her now it will turn ugly. I mean honestly I am so over "trying" to have somewhat of a healthy-ish relationship with her that I would love to just be like: "listen, you clearly don't respect me or even the most basic right to my privacy. There was absolutely no reason to monitor my communication with her. I can't help but come to the conclusion that you were snooping through my texts just to snoop. As you cannot appear to respect my most basic boundaries, or even come to me as an adult and let me know when you've crossed the line, I'd like to keep things more distant. Thanks for understanding."
But I know that's a drama llama response so I am sitting on my hands.
She has given me so many reasons to dislike her. This is just the most recent event. Did I mention she was my cheerleading coach and had an affair with my dad when I was 14? I thought my parents were happily married when she asked me if I wanted a stepmom-- that is when I first put two and two together.
Post by SusanBAnthony on Sept 28, 2013 18:43:00 GMT -5
I am not clear why you maintain a relationship with the FI at all.
Can you maintain a relationship with your dad and not her? I can't imagine you would want a particularly deep relationship with him given how he lets her walk all over him.
I talked to my dad and told him how pissed I was, mostly at FI for the major unwarranted violation of my privacy but also at him for allowing shit like this to happen. He told me FI knew she was wrong and came to him and said she felt so bad for what she had done but they HAD to talk about texts alluding to drinking and texts regarding my sister's lack of supervision at my mom's apartment (none of these were texts to/from me - I don't supply high schoolers with alcohol). I said that FI never had any reason to read my text messages because there was never any suspicion that I had ever been anything less than a fantastic role model for Jen and that they all know I am always looking out for her best interest. That was purely done to snoop and possibly see what we had ever said about her. He agreed and said he knows she was wrong to do that but I have to talk to her about it. He's right, but I am afraid if I talk to her now it will turn ugly. I mean honestly I am so over "trying" to have somewhat of a healthy-ish relationship with her that I would love to just be like: "listen, you clearly don't respect me or even the most basic right to my privacy. There was absolutely no reason to monitor my communication with her. I can't help but come to the conclusion that you were snooping through my texts just to snoop. As you cannot appear to respect my most basic boundaries, or even come to me as an adult and let me know when you've crossed the line, I'd like to keep things more distant. Thanks for understanding."
But I know that's a drama llama response so I am sitting on my hands.
She has given me so many reasons to dislike her. This is just the most recent event. Did I mention she was my cheerleading coach and had an affair with my dad when I was 14? I thought my parents were happily married when she asked me if I wanted a stepmom-- that is when I first put two and two together.
I actually don't think this response is drama llama. You'd probably need to think a bit about what "more distant" would mean, logistically, but there's really nothing wrong with this response----it's mature, logical, and not over the top.
I do think that it's human nature to snoop, but as adults it's necessary to restrain these urges in favor of respect for others. IMO, when one snoops, one finds what one's looking for, whatever that is. Sounds to me like the dad's FI was looking for something to be all "WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS!" about. There's the drama llama. It's definitely not you.
Meh. She was snopping to snopp. It's annoying and I've totally been there. But I also told my step mom she has no right to my life and I'd prefer her out of it. I've been 100 times happier ever since.
Toxic family members only bring you drama. I have enough of my own drama, I don't need family making it worse. Family should make it better.
So, I guess my advice is to focus on building a relationship with your father. And not her. She can suck it.
Obviously FI isn't interested in having a good relationship with Jen, because she has just violated the whole premise of trust. I think if a parent has something to suspect then looking through a child's phone is within their "rights" as parents. Your dad needs to address this, and if he isn't willing to, and you are willing to stand up to this women, I would consider having a sit down with her and telling her how inappropriate it was and that you support Jen.
I really hate the "parents have a right argument." I realize this is probably a flammable but I firmly believe that children have the same basic rights as adults, including the right to privacy. Also, I have seen some parents take this way to far. Like regular scheduled room searches just for funsies, used against perfectly good kids who didn't do anything to warrant that distrust. How messed up do you think that relationship gets when the kids finally move out? Not to mention the level of paranoia it can cause them to take into future relationships. Team Jen.
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I'm not flaming you, but I think it depends on how this is approached. In my opinion, if you're open and honest about it, it can go well. Obviously, this is all hugely dependent on individual personalities. I don't like parents who snoop because if you really feel like you have a right to know, it's your house, the child is the child and you're the parent and all that jazz, then why are you sneaking around a child?
If I was interested in doing this, I would say something like the following to my child: "I am the parent, I have a responsibility to protect you, even from yourself. I know that you think you know best right now, but I know even better and I need to make sure that you are safe and secure. To that end, I need to know exactly what is happening in your life and I believe this is the best way for me to stay fully informed. I'm sorry if it offends you or you think I do not trust you, but I am doing what I think is best." I have, quite intentionally and purposefully, raised the kind of child who knows I'm not a jerk for the sake of being a jerk and knows that 90% of what I do is for his safety and happiness. So if he couldn't respect that, then...welll...screw him, essentially. Eventually, he would mature and respect it. If not, I would still feel secure in my parenting decisions. We're all just doing the best we know how. There's no blueprint for this.
How you phrased it in your second paragraph, is essentially how I approach this. Trust, but expect them to keep me informed. Obviously if there is behavior that breaks my trust, then privileges have to be reevaluated. For example, lying about your whereabouts would result in grounding with me. My personal philosophy (without getting to deep) is basically that things like privacy and free expression are human rights to which no age limit should be applied. It may make me seem too permissive but I think kids learn to respect rules, and people as well, best when they are tasted with the same level of respect that is expected of them.
I don't understand why you have to be the one to talk to her about it. Yes, you're an adult, but ultimately you are HIS daughter and the issue deals with HIS FI.
Totally squicky and inappropriate. If your dad had good reason to suspect something, then I can see HIM reading through her texts (perhaps even with her knowledge), maybe, but this is major overstepping on the FI's part. What was she hoping to find/learn?
This. I've had a few "step mothers" in my time and this is not a good sign. It would be different if your dad was reading them but his FI went out of her way to create trouble.
Post by longtimenopost on Sept 30, 2013 13:23:22 GMT -5
Newbie outsider here, throwing in my two cents. It seems like what you really want is for your dad's FI to leave you be and not get involved with your relationsips with your father, mother, or Jen. In this case, is the response you prepared the one most likely to make that happen? If your instinct is that it is too dramatic and might rile her up more, making her go to your father and whine about how mean you are, then it will not help you achieve your goal. It might be better to distance yourself from her and work to help your father understand what you need from him.
I think parents have the right to know what is going on in their house. If they feel they need to monitor facebook, cell phones, email I'm okay with that. I would expect as a child grows older the parents would ease up this type of monitoring. The difference here is the parent/child relationship vs. significant other relationship.
Not to mention the fact that father said this kind of thing would NEVER happen. that's super duper shitty. If you're going to read yoru kid's stuff, then fine. But tell them.
tacom - was there something scandalous on there? Why does anyone know about this? FI should have kept her shittiness to herself.