Privacy issue - reading teen's texts?

[tacom]

My dad's phone broke so my 18-year-old sister -- hereafter Jen in this story (not her real name) --  had to offer hers until he can buy his own again. Jen did not delete anything off her phone before giving it to him.

My dad's FI read through all of my sister's text messages, including text messages between Jen and my mom and Jen and I. She then shared the information with my dad.

I am furious. I feel squicky about my dad's FI reading my sister's text messages, but ultimately Jen lives at home with them and they pay for the cell phone (although I still think it's inappropriate because dad's FI has never gone through her own same-age daughter's phone, and my sister gave her no reason to suspect anything). However, I have no idea what would be accomplished by reading Jen's texts with me (as opposed to with, say, a high school friend). I feel that was a complete violation of *my* privacy. She read back from weeks ago, so it was not like she accidentally opened our text thread then closed out immediately.

I'm going to call my dad later to address it, but I want to make sure I'm not overreacting before I do. I dislike his FI and think she's a pretty shitty "step-mother" (what she calls herself) so I admit my knee-jerk reaction is to get pissed when my sister comes to me upset about anything that goes down at home.

So please - tell me how it is. Thank you in advance.

[tacom]

Sept 28, 2013 13:04:58 GMT -5 kooshball said:

If Jen didn't want him to read them then Jen should have deleted all the stuff before giving him the phone. It's not like he went looking in her dresser to find her diary in her underwear drawer.

Not the point.

Although I personally would have deleted the text messages before turning over the cell phone,  I would like to know how people feel about the FI's actions. 

[winnied]

I think as the person who pays for the cell phone he has the privilege to read it. I think it's inappropriate to do so unless you have concerns about your teen's behavior. Snooping for the sake of snooping is inappropriate.

[shopgirl07]

It was the wrong thing to do, and your Dad's FI sounds like a bitch quite honestly.

[jerseyjaybird]

Totally squicky and inappropriate. If your dad had good reason to suspect something, then I can see HIM reading through her texts (perhaps even with her knowledge), maybe, but this is major overstepping on the FI's part. What was she hoping to find/learn?

[tacom]

Sept 28, 2013 13:08:49 GMT -5 winnied said:

I think as the person who pays for the cell phone he has the privilege to read it. I think it's inappropriate to do so unless you have concerns about your teen's behavior. Snooping for the sake of snooping is inappropriate.

They have never snooped before, and my father has explicitly told Jen (in the past) that he would not disrespect her privacy by reading her text messages. FI snooped because she finally had access to the phone I suppose. 

There would be absolutely no reason for monitoring correspondence between my sister and I. I am older, out of the house, more responsible than the actual adults in our family, and am generally respected as the strict older sister. Growing up, I parented my younger siblings more than my own parents did. 

[tacom]

Sept 28, 2013 13:09:01 GMT -5 shopgirl07 said:

It was the wrong thing to do, and your Dad's FI sounds like a bitch quite honestly.

She totally is - but he allows her to be, so he's not exactly a prince.

Once the kids are out of the home (youngest are 18 and 16) I suspect things will be much easier, because we won't have the constant opportunity for shit like this to go down. Our relationship can be much more distant and superficial at that point. 

[Deleted]

If she was 13 it would be one thing, but an 18 year old should have privacy and doesn't need parental oversight.

But I can see how it would be really tempting to read it.

[Deleted]

She's majorly overstepping her boundaries as your dad's fiancé.

I also think it's really shitty to snoop on an 18 year old for no other reason than pure nosiness. Especially when dad already ensured he wouldn't snoop, then comes the nosy fiancé reading texts between siblings because she can? No.

[AAM2012]

Sept 28, 2013 13:11:29 GMT -5 tacom said:

Sept 28, 2013 13:08:49 GMT -5 winnied said:

I think as the person who pays for the cell phone he has the privilege to read it. I think it's inappropriate to do so unless you have concerns about your teen's behavior. Snooping for the sake of snooping is inappropriate.

They have never snooped before, and my father has explicitly told Jen (in the past) that he would not disrespect her privacy by reading her text messages. FI snooped because she finally had access to the phone I suppose. 

There would be absolutely no reason for monitoring correspondence between my sister and I. I am older, out of the house, more responsible than the actual adults in our family, and am generally respected as the strict older sister. Growing up, I parented my younger siblings more than my own parents did. 

Yeah then she should not have read any of them. What a biatch. I would let your dad know and tell him that he needs to address it with FI.

[lilibet]

I think it is really crappy. If she had given them cause to read them then I suppose it would be ok for your dad to look but it sounds like his FI just wanted to be a pain.

I also sort of wonder had your sister deleted her texts if they (or maybe just FI) would have been like "why did you delete them? what are you hiding?!?!?" - just based on your comments about her.

[gt7301b]

I don't think the FI had the right to read your sister's text messages, but if your dad had been the one to read them I'd be fine with it since he is her father and paying the bill. I don't think a FI has the right to read the texts.

[Deleted]

I don't think anyone has a right to read the texts JUST BECAUSE they pay the bill.

A parent may have a need to read their teenage child's texts if they have reason to believe the child is engaging in dangerous activities, lying to them, etc. But if the child isn't doing anything to warrant investigation, random snooping is uncalled for IMO.

ESPECIALLY in the case of a FI that is not a parent or stepparent.

[nonsenseabound]

I think if you live in a parent's house based on need, you would have to abide by their rules regardless of age. However, I agree that FI overstepped her bounds. This was not based out of little sis doing anything wrong or illegal or a search out of concern. It sounds like it was pure nosiness and wondering what you and sis are saying about her. I would state to dad that I think FI should apologize and promise not to do it again.

[gt7301b]

Sept 28, 2013 13:53:25 GMT -5 @applesauce said:

For those of you saying that because the father pays the bill, he has a right to read the texts, would you say the same thing for an adult, non-parental relationship where one person is paying for another person's bill? For example, say father is paying for FI's phone. Does he have the right to read FI's texts?

I am a little confused by this logic.

I think parents have the right to know what is going on in their house.  If they feel they need to monitor facebook, cell phones, email I'm okay with that.  I would expect as a child grows older the parents would ease up this type of monitoring.  The difference here is the parent/child relationship vs. significant other relationship.

[RoxMonster]

I think it was out of line for the FI to read the texts. She obviously did it just to snoop and not because of a legitimate concern. I do think that parents have the right to read a child's texts if they have a concern about something, and honestly, I can even see them saying, "Don't put anything on the computer/cell phone/tablet that WE technically own if you don't want us seeing it." Maybe not snooping into what they write, but putting that disclaimer out there.

But she was doing her dad a favor, they had no reason not to trust her or think she was up to something, and it wasn't even her dad doing the snooping. So no to all of this IMO. It was crappy, and she should apologize.

[stealthmom]

Sept 28, 2013 15:02:04 GMT -5 gt7301b said:

Sept 28, 2013 13:53:25 GMT -5 @applesauce said:

For those of you saying that because the father pays the bill, he has a right to read the texts, would you say the same thing for an adult, non-parental relationship where one person is paying for another person's bill? For example, say father is paying for FI's phone. Does he have the right to read FI's texts?

I am a little confused by this logic.

I think parents have the right to know what is going on in their house.  If they feel they need to monitor facebook, cell phones, email I'm okay with that.  I would expect as a child grows older the parents would ease up this type of monitoring.  The difference here is the parent/child relationship vs. significant other relationship.

Not to mention the fact that father said this kind of thing would NEVER happen.  that's super duper shitty.  If you're going to read yoru kid's stuff, then fine.  But tell them.

tacom - was there something scandalous on there?  Why does anyone know about this?  FI should have kept her shittiness to herself.

[anna7602]

I don't care who pays the bill, your sister loaned her father her phone. That is between her and her father. FI was not part of that and had no right to even touch the phone, much less go through the texts. Does she go through your dad's texts when his own phone isn't broken? I would address it. She sounds awful.

[mrsukyankee]

I think this is one of the worst things a parent can do to a child. You are basically saying that she has no right to privacy which is horrible. If you have concerns, you talk to them. If you don't have concerns, you don't overstep this boundary. What are you hoping to teach the teen? Basically, you've taught her that you have no respect for her- and so why should she have any for you. She may learn that no one is to be trusted (because if you can't trust a parent, who can you trust?). Not lessons I'd want my teen to learn.

[MadamePresident]

Since Jen didn't delete the messages, I would assume there was nothing that private in them. I kind of think its human nature to snoop. I don't think it was right for step mom to do, but I think people need to be intentional about guarding their own privacy.

[lime]

Sept 28, 2013 14:25:25 GMT -5 @carmensandiego said:

I don't think anyone has a right to read the texts JUST BECAUSE they pay the bill.

A parent may have a need to read their teenage child's texts if they have reason to believe the child is engaging in dangerous activities, lying to them, etc. But if the child isn't doing anything to warrant investigation, random snooping is uncalled for IMO.

ESPECIALLY in the case of a FI that is not a parent or stepparent.

This is where I am at. 

My parents would go through my letters in HS. And, hey, they bought me that paper and the postage and the pen I used to write it. In the case of letters that people wrote me, well, they paid for the home mailbox that it was delivered to. 

So I guess they had the right to go through all of my stuff. 

I'm 39 now and I still don't trust my mom to be alone around my mail or other personal things. I greatly limit the amount of time that she is in my home and would never allow her to be here alone. 

The fact that a non-parent did this makes my blood boil. 

[CallingAllAngels]

I think it was really crappy that she did it, especially since it sounds like she was just being nosy and didn't have any legitimate concerns.

[MadamePresident]

Sept 28, 2013 15:43:37 GMT -5 @ojo said:

Sept 28, 2013 15:33:36 GMT -5 MadamePresident said:

Since Jen didn't delete the messages, I would assume there was nothing that private in them. I kind of think its human nature to snoop. I don't think it was right for step mom to do, but I think people need to be intentional about guarding their own privacy.

"my father has explicitly told Jen (in the past) that he would not disrespect her privacy by reading her text messages."

She didn't think she had to, though.

The FIL didn't read them. The step mom did. Unless he was reading over her shoulder, I don't think he should be blamed.

[Marmee]

The FI went looking for drama & she got it. What a bitch. That being said I think a parent has the right to look within the context of parent-child relationship where the parent is still primary caregiver/provider & the child is a teen in HS. FI is not a parent.

[Chuppathingy]

I really hate the "parents have a right argument." I realize this is probably a flammable but I firmly believe that children have the same basic rights as adults, including the right to privacy. Also, I have seen some parents take this way to far. Like regular scheduled room searches just for funsies, used against perfectly good kids who didn't do anything to warrant that distrust. How messed up do you think that relationship gets when the kids finally move out? Not to mention the level of paranoia it can cause them to take into future relationships. Team Jen.

Sent from my SGH-T889 using proboards

[audry80]

I do not think it's right but I think your sister needs to address the issue rather than you. If she is 18 and wants to be treated as an adult, she doesn't need her big sister to fight her battles.

[gt7301b]

Sept 28, 2013 15:15:59 GMT -5 @applesauce said:

Sept 28, 2013 15:02:04 GMT -5 gt7301b said:

I think parents have the right to know what is going on in their house.  If they feel they need to monitor facebook, cell phones, email I'm okay with that.  I would expect as a child grows older the parents would ease up this type of monitoring.  The difference here is the parent/child relationship vs. significant other relationship.

But you could think that regardless of who was paying the bill, right? So why does the father paying for it even matter (I think you were one who said this but I could be mistaken)?

I think if a kid expects total privacy they need to move out and pay all their bills on their own.  Now I think the FI was in the wrong and parents/ significant others shouldn't read text messages phone message unless there is a pattern of misuse of cell phones or the child is young.

[steph96]

Sept 28, 2013 16:34:09 GMT -5 audry80 said:

I do not think it's right but I think your sister needs to address the issue rather than you. If she is 18 and wants to be treated as an adult, she doesn't need her big sister to fight her battles.

This is where I stand. Either your sister or your father should address this with her. Even though the messages to/from you were read and she is your sister, I think you need to stay out of it. Ideally your father would have handled it as soon as it happened. If he won't, it is time for your sister to step up to the plate.

[MixedBerryJam]

Sept 28, 2013 13:33:40 GMT -5 pennypenny said:

If your dad were the one that looked at the messages, I would not care. IMO, he has every right. But for his FI to do it seems wrong. What was her purpose?

While I would not read my child's texts unless there was a reason, I don't fault parents who do. Especially if they pay the bill.

I'd be pissed at the FI for the invasion of privacy, but I'm also pissed at your father on your sister's behalf for not having your sister's back. When the FI went to him with the results of her snooping, he should have read her the riot act. Both adults behaved badly.

[drloretta]

Unless there was an expectation that she or your dad could access the messages, I'm Team You.

My (13yo) nephew got a cell phone last year. His parents told him they reserved the right to check his texts at any time, I think mostly to make sure someone on the other end wasn't doing something sketchy.