WWYD? RE: selling e-ring

[berbles]

This came up on S/O and it's been on my mind lately.  I'd like your opinions.

So, back when stbxh was insisting that we stay friends, he asked me to let him know if I wanted to do something with my wedding/engagement rings. I balked then and told him that the e-ring is legally mine to do with what I please, but he asked that I let him know if I decided to do something with it.

I'm hurting for money. I'm sleeping on an Aerobed right now and can't foresee being able to save enough for a real bed/furniture until probably November at the earliest.  I believe the wedding ring and anniversary band, legally, are considered community property that has to be split 50/50. But they're not worth much. Maybe $1k altogether? But the e-ring is worth a nice chunk (platinum band, 1ct. diamond) that I could REALLY REALLY use right now.

Should I just do what I want? Should I let him know? At most, it would be an email that said, "Just FYI, I'm selling/I've sold my e-ring. You asked me to let you know." But I REALLY don't want to open up that can right now.  Stbx is stuck in the anger stage of his processing the divorce (which HE asked for) and hasn't spoken to me in 2 months.  I still have hopes that we will eventually be able to be friendly again, but this may push him over the edge.  I'm struggling with whether I care. 

What do you think?

[lime]

You aren't legally divorced yet? What does your divorce decree specify in terms of your rings as an asset; is it yours alone or joint property?

[MWOS]

/lawyer

[ohiowan]

If he asked for the divorce, I don't think you owe him any information about what you're doing with the ring.

[VeryViolet]

As long as you are sure it is legally yours to do with what you would like I would see it and not give him any notice. It sounds like it would cause way more trouble than it is worth and you don't need to deal with that.

[tripleshot]

Was this addressed in the divorce papers? If not I'd sell them. He doesn't need to know. I don't know if there are any legal issues with doing that but fuck him.

[janegold]

Are you sure the e-ring is legally yours? I think states tend to split on this, and there are a variety of factors that can come into play. Do you have anything in writing from STBXH acknowledging that it is yours?

[berbles]

In California, the engagement ring is considered a gift. Conditional only upon actually getting married. The moment I said, "I do," that ring became 100% mine.

[hopecounts]

depending on the details I might offer him the option of buying first for the amount you expect to get for it (if you know the value, or after an appraisal).
However, I'd feel no obligation to do so and would lwt the circumstances currently and that led to the divorce color my decision.

[SKP82]

If you are 100% sure it's yours and isn't considered marital property and subject to the 50/50 split, do what you want with it and feel no need to tell him.

[berbles]

We don't even HAVE a divorce decree yet because the jackwagon still hasn't paid the paralegal his half of the fees. We are trying to do this without an attorney. We have no kids and the house he owns is completely is his name and I want nothing to do with it. The ring is probably the only thing worth value that he could try to contest. But I think CA law is pretty clear about engagement rings. Wedding rings can get a little trickier. But like I said, the wedding and anniversary bands together are worth less than half the e-ring.

[expatpumpkin]

Sept 30, 2013 15:47:08 GMT -5 berbles said:

In California, the engagement ring is considered a gift. Conditional only upon actually getting married. The moment I said, "I do," that ring became 100% mine.

So what's your question then?

Sell the ring and get yourself a bed!!!

[orangeblossom]

I think the laws most people are referring to is if the engagement is called off, not once the marriage has taken place and a divorce happens, though I'm sure there are some laws related to it.

I would check with your lawyer before doing anything, and then and only then, would I contact your STBXH if your lawyer says the money needs to be split evenly. Otherwise, forget him.

[Deleted]

Eek. Check with your lawyer. Does the e-ring thing change based on who asked for a divorce? If you sell it, is he entitled to part of the money from the sale?

I know you're hurting for money, but I really think you should check in with your lawyer. Also, your STBX is an ass for not paying his money to get this ball rolling.

[pedanticwench]

If your e-ring is worth a lot of money, you should consult with your lawyer, I think.

[Deleted]

I can't believe he is even asking about them. At first I thought he was being sentimental about them but it sounds like it's about the money.

I'd probably hold onto whatever may be community property, but I wouldn't bother telling him about the engagement ring.*
It doesn't even sound like it is worth much (in the grand scheme of things, I get that right now there are money issues).




*In your case. Overall, *I* wouldn't sell my set. I'd find another way to buy a bed.

[berbles]

It's worth "a lot of money" to me, right now. As in $3-4k. I'm not talking about a $25k e-ring, lol.

[pedanticwench]

Sept 30, 2013 15:57:43 GMT -5 berbles said:

It's worth "a lot of money" to me, right now. As in $3-4k. I'm not talking about a $25k e-ring, lol.

That's a lot of money to me, too.

Talk to your lawyer before selling.

[Deleted]

Sept 30, 2013 15:57:43 GMT -5 berbles said:

It's worth "a lot of money" to me, right now. As in $3-4k. I'm not talking about a $25k e-ring, lol.

You never get close to what you paid for these things. I'm wondering if you think you'd get more than you really would?
(I have no idea what I am talking about.)

I'd just hate to part with something like this because things feel dire, but later you might feel like it was better to hold onto it?

[sergey]

I'd double check with your lawyer since you already have one anyway then sell that thing for every cent it's worth and never tell him (not because I'd be trying to hide it, just because it's none of his damn business what I do with my property).

[EmilieMadison]

Another "check with an attorney". Your divorce may not be final yet, but you should know what the decree says because you have already agreed to the terms (it's just official yet, right?). But specific gifts aren't usually community property, especially if state law says its not.

[berbles]

Sept 30, 2013 15:59:12 GMT -5 @gypsy said:

Sept 30, 2013 15:57:43 GMT -5 berbles said:

It's worth "a lot of money" to me, right now. As in $3-4k. I'm not talking about a $25k e-ring, lol.

You never get close to what you paid for these things. I'm wondering if you think you'd get more than you really would?
(I have no idea what I am talking about.)

I'd just hate to part with something like this because things feel dire, but later you might feel like it was better to hold onto it?

I'm not sentimental about things like this.

It was a custom-designed ring, that fits inside the wedding band.  It's incredibly unlikely that it would be used again, as-is.

That said, I would be furious if he wanted notification because he wants the diamond so he can put it in something else.  Hell to the naw.


So what I'm saying is, I know I won't get what he originally paid for it, but I know that selling a platinum band (even if it's just to be melted down and used for something else) and a nice diamond will still get me some monies.

[vicky]

I'm sorry, did you "lose" that beautiful engagement ring in the process of your move? That's a shame.

[Deleted]

Sept 30, 2013 16:03:35 GMT -5 berbles said:

Sept 30, 2013 15:59:12 GMT -5 @gypsy said:

You never get close to what you paid for these things. I'm wondering if you think you'd get more than you really would?
(I have no idea what I am talking about.)

I'd just hate to part with something like this because things feel dire, but later you might feel like it was better to hold onto it?

I'm not sentimental about things like this.

It was a custom-designed ring, that fits inside the wedding band.  It's incredibly unlikely that it would be used again, as-is.

That said, I would be furious if he wanted notification because he wants the diamond so he can put it in something else.  Hell to the naw.


So what I'm saying is, I know I won't get what he originally paid for it, but I know that selling a platinum band (even if it's just to be melted down and used for something else) and a nice diamond will still get me some monies.

I understand. I don't know that I am sentimental any longer about mine, but I guess I don't want to do anything rash?
Maybe a part of me would like to get another diamond and make a fabulous pair of earrings, lol.

I really think he wants to stay connected to the whereabouts of the ring because he purchased it and wants to guilt you into sharing the proceeds.

Hell to the naw to that. Sorry, motherfucker.

[Deleted]

My only hesitation with this would be that if you don't want to use a lawyer, you don't want to piss him off. Once he sees you as being uncooperative he'll have a pass to be uncooperative himself.

At least, that was my stance when I was doing a divorce without a lawyer. Thankfully he never really fought back on anything but I felt like I had to be VERY careful to stay in his good graces or he'd be able to throw a fit and potentially create the need to find a lawyer.

What do you think would happen if you told him "hey, I'm really strapped for cash and want to sell my ring. Is that cool with you?". Why does he want to know about it?

[Deleted]

I think it's a shame to spend $$$$ on an attorney but if he is already do this kind of shit - it's probably necessary.

[berbles]

Sept 30, 2013 16:07:46 GMT -5 @buckybells said:

My only hesitation with this would be that if you don't want to use a lawyer, you don't want to piss him off. Once he sees you as being uncooperative he'll have a pass to be uncooperative himself.

At least, that was my stance when I was doing a divorce without a lawyer. Thankfully he never really fought back on anything but I felt like I had to be VERY careful to stay in his good graces or he'd be able to throw a fit and potentially create the need to find a lawyer.

What do you think would happen if you told him "hey, I'm really strapped for cash and want to sell my ring. Is that cool with you?". Why does he want to know about it?

This, exactly.  

I think I'm going to have it appraised and tell him that he can buy it off me for the appraised value or I will sell it.  I think that's fair.

[orangello]

Honestly, I think you're in the right to do with it what you will, but you will be 100% less likely to open up a shitstorm can of worms if you wait until the divorce is final. I know you want a bed now, but you may be regretting that new bed if he gets angry and the divorce isn't done yet, KWIM?

[bonquiqui]

I would check with your lawyer, and I wouldn't tell him.  Granted, my exH would have let me have whatever I wanted, but he would have never asked for the rings back.