Parents: what do you do to focus on your relationship with

[Yankees21]

your spouse, especially when the kids are little? Dovey's thread got me thinking..do you try to schedule date nights?  Have sex even if you are exhausted? Just realize your relationship will be on the back burner for a while? I'm interested to hear your perspectives, as this is my first kid.

[Deleted]

-Date night once a month.
-We had tons of "mini" dates. When the little one went to bed we rented a movie, got our favorite take out and ignored dishes, laundry, etc.
-Phones go in a drawer when you get home. We focus our attention on each other and the kid, not the latest face book status.
-Sleep in saturday, we swap off and one of us gets to sleep in on saturday am.
-nap time quickies. They are the best. Baby is down for a nap? We run to the bedroom. Then take our own nap.

[hopecounts]

we have a monthly date night out (MIL babysits) and weekly at home date nights where we wait until DD is in bed (8) and then have a nice dinner and watch a movie or show together sans kid.

and yes we try to make sure we have sex a couple times a week even when we're tired, usually once things get going being tired is no longer an issue.

[ijack]

Our relationship is on the back burner right now Having date nights definitely helps, it's just so hard. We try to do family fun days on the weekend (breakfast and a hike), and try to spend a little time just being next to each other after the girls go to bed (which honestly with 2 kids is pretty tough).

[Deleted]

We have Saturday date night in, and we stick to it pretty well unless something comes up in advance. Like -- a friend invited me out for Saturday night, calling Saturday morning, and I didn't go. The standing date helps.

I personally try to say no to sex less, and that's been helping too. We get ~once a week, sometimes a spontaneous weeknight thing happens that is awesome.

[papie]

Friday nights is our dinner together with wine night, after the kids go to bed. Well not now though.
And we do walks together for date nights, with a sitter watching the kids.
And also regular sex even if I don't feel like it (DH is always ready, lol).

[badgerwrangler]

I would say yes to all. We definitely do date nights every two to three weeks. We understand that some things are on the back burner but we make sure we aren't forgetting about our relationship/sex.

DH has no problem keeping sex in the forefront but it is more of a struggle for me.

We are spending the weekend alone doing spa/winery stuff this weekend. Can't wait and my parents actually agreed to watch our kids for the weekend.

[Yankees21]

Oct 2, 2013 12:32:21 GMT -5 ijack said:

Our relationship is on the back burner right now Having date nights definitely helps, it's just so hard. We try to do family fun days on the weekend (breakfast and a hike), and try to spend a little time just being next to each other after the girls go to bed (which honestly with 2 kids is pretty tough).

I'm sorry Do you have family nearby that helps at all?

[Deleted]

We definitely need more time away from the kids. This Saturday my mom is taking them for a few hours and we're *drumroll* cleaning. womp womp. I'm thinking we'll grab a few beers and make it fun at least.

[ijack]

Oct 2, 2013 12:36:12 GMT -5 Yankees21 said:

Oct 2, 2013 12:32:21 GMT -5 ijack said:

Our relationship is on the back burner right now Having date nights definitely helps, it's just so hard. We try to do family fun days on the weekend (breakfast and a hike), and try to spend a little time just being next to each other after the girls go to bed (which honestly with 2 kids is pretty tough).

I'm sorry Do you have family nearby that helps at all?

We do, and my parents are really helpful, but it's hard with 2 kids and a husband that travels (mostly on the weekends). I'm also an introvert and need a certain amount of alone time each day to function, which doesn't really work well with 3 other people who constantly want attention from me. We're not in a bad place, just not an awesome place.

[eddy]

Weekend nights are spent together doing something even if it is in. No chores or work. Always booze lol.

We do go out on dates regularly.

I really don't have sex unless I want too. I hate forcing myself into sex. But I keep track in my head and if it has gone over a reasonable amount of time I take one for the team.

Also really the biggest thing is giving yourself permission to be a sub par parent once in awhile. Put the kids in front of the tv so you can sit and have a real conversation. Put off chores so you aren't so exhausted.

[jaycee]

Our focus as a couple has been getting through this newborn stage, so I guess our relationship has taken a backseat (so have other things: the gym, cleaning, big house projects). Now that ds2 is 4 months it's a little easier.

We try to spend time together after kids are in bed.

[chickenlittle]

We try to take an afternoon or evening every couple of months just for the two of us to do something.

It's also an effort every night after DS is in bed to try and connect, even if it's sitting together on the couch and watching tv. I desperately need down time every day where I'm not responsible for anyone but me. DH has been good about taking DS for 20 minutes so I can veg after work, but that's not always possible.

I'll be honest--our relationship sucked for about the first 5 months after DS was born. It was a process to navigate our new roles as parents and adjust to a pretty big change in our way of living. We did more yelling and fighting during that time than we have in our entire 8 year relationship.

I think we found a happy medium by taking care of each other as husband and wife through being parents--offer help, communicate kindly, share responsibility. It's not the same as having crazy monkey sex 3 times a week, but it's helped us maintain a solid foundation through the not so enjoyable times.

[Kristinmo]

All of that. We have accepted our relationship is going to take a bit of a backseat right now because of the kids. However, we try to regularly talk about things other than the kids and we have committed to having sex at least once a week.

We don't have any babysitters since we moved so I like Ninja's idea of an at home date night.

[Deleted]

Oct 2, 2013 12:44:36 GMT -5 chickenlittle said:

I think we found a happy medium by taking care of each other as husband and wife through being parents--offer help, communicate kindly, share responsibility. It's not the same as having crazy monkey sex 3 times a week, but it's helped us maintain a solid foundation through the not so enjoyable times.

I completely agree.  We were really there for each other in infancy and it helped us.  We had a strong foundation before having the boys, too, and I really think we are closer since having them.

[litebright]

We shower together on the weekends. And sometimes weeknights. It's good for both a chance to talk (like last night we had a good conversation about DD1's progress) and for sex, lol.

We don't get a lot of date nights. No family nearby, paying for a sitter, etc. We do try to make family time fun, though, and do things *we* like (like hiking) rather than just stuff we think would be fun for the kids.

I put a lot of pressure on myself in regards to our sex life. More than DH does, for sure. If we go too long, I start wondering if we're okay even though there's no basis other than my own anxiety about it. I love sex, too, and once we get into the swing of things I'm usually like, "Why don't we do this more often?"

[Deleted]

Kristinmo, either a TV show you both watch together or rent a movie online. Dinner. Yummy dessert. It's awesome!

We have also had cooking date nights but those are more tiring and we inevitably stay up too late winding down lol.

[Yankees21]

Oct 2, 2013 12:49:00 GMT -5 @tambcat said:

Oct 2, 2013 12:44:54 GMT -5 Lucy Honeychurch said:

We hang out together after the children are asleep. Even if it's just for an hour before someone falls asleep, lol, it's important time to regroup and talk and etc.

Yeah, I think it helps that this sort of thing is mainly what we did even before J. When we went out, it was usually with another couple (and I do miss that). But we are sort of homebodies, so that hasn't changed. I guess it also "helps" that we didn't have much sex before either.

This is us too, so hopefully that will make it not be such an enormous adjustment.

[cleo29]

We alternate letting the other sleep in on the weekends. We have nights where we eat dinner later together and watch a movie or show. We are going to start having date nights once a month too. We also encourage and support each other in doing things away from the house and each other. I think getting your own personal time with friends or even alone is just as important in keeping you happy and your marriage happy.

Parenting can be so hard and I think what has helped us is not just making time for each other but also being aware when the other person needs a break and being supportive of that rather than resentful.

[candreco]

We work in the same place, so will have a lunch date on Fridays if things are slow for both of us. Weekday evenings, we generally try to watch TV together for an hour to unwind once we're gotten through chores, prep for the next day, etc. We've been better about going out for movies, dinner or whatever, but have slacked off on that since DS's arrival.

Otherwise, we try to just be aware of each other- if one of us is busy, the other will take over a chore for example. Try not to take each other's contribution to our family for granted.

[Yankees21]

Oct 2, 2013 12:53:47 GMT -5 @licia said:

Weirdly, my mom actually helped us keep it together right after DD was born. For Christmas, she gave us season tickets to the local theater, with the promise that she would babysit on whatever night we chose to go see the productions. Those dates got us through the summer, and she also has taken DD for birthdays, random weekends, etc.

I think we lucked out on her enthusiasm for spending time with DD. If we didn't have her, I know we would be seeking a babysitter at least once a month.

Moving DD's bedtime up to 7 also helped us. She's down for the count by about 7:30 or 7:45 after bath, bottle and story. We get some solid time to just be adults around each other. Sometimes we have dinner before she goes to bed, sometimes after so it's just us. We'll have sex if we feel like it. Watch a movie. Rub each other's backs. Hell, just talk without some little creature demanding our attention every 5 seconds. At least she's cute. She has that going for her.

This is such a great idea!

[eddy]

Also we have started waking up early in the morning and working out together. Dare I say I look forward to this alone time with him. The house is quiet, no kids are awake, we make funny jokes to each other. It doesn't hurt to see each other working up a sweat lol.

[eddy]

Also my biggest piece of advice is to just be kind to yourself and kind to your partner. All of these things I listed did not happen as much with a baby in the house. We sure as hell weren't getting up to workout lol. But we tried our hardest to just be nice to each other and understand that it was temporary. That helps so much.

[polka]

We try to have a date night once a month.

We make time when we can, even when the kids are there. Like if we are all outside and the girls are busy playing in the yard, H and I will hold hands and walk around the patio while drinking wine or just talking. Or we watch movies and pig out on pizza rolls after they fall asleep.

We also do little things to make the other one know we haven't forgotten them. For example, we leave notes to each other every day. They are usually just one sentence notes. Sometimes we hide them somewhere, like I will leave one on his toothbrush so he sees it before work. He might leave one on the steering wheel to my car. This morning he left one on my mirror that said "I wish I was looking at your beautiful face right now." Lol, we are cheesy, but I love it.