S/o gender disappointment

[sesame]

I'm totally prepared to be flamed for this. I feel bad enough as it is, so I can't imagine anything that anyone else has to say will make me feel any worse.

I have my 20 week ultrasound next Tuesday, where, if the little one cooperates, we will finally know what we're having. I'm terrified of not feeling excited or actually feeling disappointed if they say boy. I feel very strongly, for whatever reason, that this baby is a boy, so I will be very shocked if they tell me it's a girl.

I know I should just be happy and grateful that I'm even having this baby, and I am. Truly. I feel very blessed. But a small part of me is just scared to death that I will feel disappointed. I guess I'm not really looking for comments, just expressing my feelings. I don't want to say anything to DH since he's super excited either way, and I don't want to let him down.

[trafficgirl]

It's okay to feel disappointment about gender, as long as it's not all-consuming. Seriously, don't be afraid of your emotions. If you are disappointed, be disappointed for a while. And then try and look for things that will make you excited.

I was unsure about boys at first, but one thing that makes me really really excited that our little ones are boys is to watch the father/son relationship develop between H and the boys.

It may take some time, but I bet you will find something that will make you excited, and it will grow from there.

[annabear07]

What trafficgirl said. I was 100% sure I was having a boy and when it turned out to be a girl it took me a couple days to wrap my head around that. I wasn't dissappointed but just in shock. So if it does take a few days to adjust to something different than you expected that's ok. Take your time!

[soozy87]

I thought that this baby was a girl. As it turns out we are having a boy. I wanted to go team green. Looking back now, I am glad that we found out. It gave me some time to get used to the idea of having a boy and being able to imagine our life with a little boy. I wouldn't say I was disappointed to find out he was a boy, and some day I do look forward to having a girl as well, but boy or girl your baby will be great!

[Yankees21]

It is pretty common to have a preference. Like trafficgirl said, as long as it doesn't completely consume you, it will be ok. I think in most cases, once you have your baby you can't imagine having them be the opposite sex (does that makes sense?)

[osulori]

I was 100% convinced AJ was a girl. Mother's intuition and all. Yeah...not so much. He made it perfectly clear at the a/s that he was not, in fact, a girl. And yeah, I was disappointed briefly. But then I got over it, and by the time we left the doctor's office I was all F YEAH WE'RE HAVING A BOY! (and a little bit F you mother's intuition too ;D)

[marie3246]

Oct 22, 2013 15:17:48 GMT -5 annabear07 said:

What trafficgirl said. I was 100% sure I was having a boy and when it turned out to be a girl it took me a couple days to wrap my head around that. I wasn't dissappointed but just in shock. So if it does take a few days to adjust to something different than you expected that's ok. Take your time!

This exactly. We found out a girl at 15 weeks. I was in total shock. Everyone of our local friends has girls (6 of them!) and both sides of H and I's family's are boys (im the only girl). I had such a strong feeling it was a boy, but there really must be something in the water here haha. I had lots of ideas (clothes, room decor) for boys and girls stuff just wasn't super appealing to me. I wouldnt say I was disappointed, but I just think little boys are so adorable and I would love to have one if that's possible. Having a teenage girl also scares me lol. I'm just now starting to wrap my head around it and embrace all the cutesty girl stuff. 

[natablue]

I have to admit I was in the same boat as you, sesame. I can't lie, I was a little bit disappointed when the tech told me it was a boy. This pregnancy wasn't planned for us, but I was really hoping to have a girl. My "intuition" told me it was a girl, I was drawn to all the girly things, had started planning a girl nursery in my mind, etc.

I know I'm lucky to be having a baby period, so many women try so hard and want one so badly. And it makes me feel like a terrible person.

I can say the disappointment is fading, especially seeing how EXCITED dh is that it's a boy. But I can honestly say while I'm happy, I'm not feeling that excitement I wish I was feeling.

[sesame]

You guys are all awesome! Thank you all!

[shelbyann]

I had no inkling or preference either way, but I think it's totally normal to mourn the lost possibility of whatever sex is not in there. I am thrilled that we're having a girl, but I do get a twinge of sadness when I think of a boy name that I like, or see cute little boy clothes. I really think I would feel the same about girl stuff if we were having a boy instead.

[geek96]

I was there and it took a while to get over it. I feel terrible feeling that way but I wouldn't trade DS for any girl in the world. He is 6 weeks tomorrow and it instantly went away when he was born. My mom told me it would go away right away since she always wanted a boy and I am an only child. She said she never wished for a boy once she saw me. You get used to it with time.

[VillainV]

H and I both have a "feeling" that it's a girl. But until we find out for sure, we make a point to actively think ppositive thoughts about either gender. For example, I think of how awesome it would be to have a little boy like my husband, or a little boy who can grow up playing with his cousin (our nephew). We've both talked about having a girl who might be like me when I was little (H has seen baby pics of me), and how fun it would be to have a girl who likes sports like we do, stuff like that.

Honestly, we are both really excited either way. I guess we'll see how we both feel when we know for sure:-)

[BaliHai]

Oct 23, 2013 6:51:13 GMT -5 @bunnybean said:

I agree that as long as it's not all consuming, it is totally fine. I wanted a girl first, and that is what we are having, though I was SURE she was a boy (probably to get myself used to the idea). I have very serious anxiety, and went through a brief phase where i thought they'd told me the wrong sex and she actually IS a boy, which would be fine, I just want to know to plan and so forth.

As soon as I heard she was a girl, I was really excited. But after I thought about it awhile, I was almost sorry I had wished for a girl, because I knew I'd be happy either way. And I really do want a son one day.

This is pretty much what happened with me, too. My whole life I wanted a girl; I always felt like I'd be missing something if I never had one, and so when we got pregnant unexpectedly I, of course, hoped for a girl, but was convinced it was a boy. When the tech told us it was a girl, and then we had it re-confirmed, I was shocked to find that even though I was thrilled, I was mourning the idea of a boy a little bit. I realized then that I truly do want a son someday, and that I would have been really happy to find this one was a boy despite wanting a girl so badly.

You always hear that the relationship between a boy and his Mom is so incredibly special, and seeing my friends/family with little boys really confirmed that for me. Disappointment is totally natural, and something you should let yourself feel if it happens, but I do think more often than not, you just fall in love with that tiny person once they're on the outside (right away or not), regardless of how you felt before.

[kdrake8]

(hugs)

I knew both times what I was having, just a gut feeling. I was thrilled finding out about my daughter. When I found out about my son, I was ok, but not thrilled. I thought I wanted another baby girl.

My close friend was even pregnant and team green... When she delivered a little girl 2 months ago, I cried.

My little man got here Monday and I could not be more thrilled. He is so so wonderful and I'm so lucky to have him!

Regardless of your right away feelings, you will love your little one so much! He or she will be absolutely perfect when they arrive!

[runblondie26]

OK, I'll admit I was sad when I found out we were having a boy too (event hough I had a gut feeling from the start it was a boy). My brother and I are also about 4.5 years apart. Although we get along, we've always had our own interests and have never really been close. I was hoping having a another girl would help bridge the age gap between DD and her sibling.

I'm excited I'll get to experience having one of each though, and once I hold him it will feel perfect.

I do feel the pull to have a third now, be it boy or girl, to help round out the group.

[nolasteph]

Oct 22, 2013 18:04:23 GMT -5 natablue said:

I have to admit I was in the same boat as you, sesame. I can't lie, I was a little bit disappointed when the tech told me it was a boy. This pregnancy wasn't planned for us, but I was really hoping to have a girl. My "intuition" told me it was a girl, I was drawn to all the girly things, had started planning a girl nursery in my mind, etc.

I know I'm lucky to be having a baby period, so many women try so hard and want one so badly. And it makes me feel like a terrible person.

I can say the disappointment is fading, especially seeing how EXCITED dh is that it's a boy. But I can honestly say while I'm happy, I'm not feeling that excitement I wish I was feeling.

I'm sorry I'm resurrecting an old thread here, but I searched for gender disappointment and here I am.  

I feel exactly like this.  Surprise baby, after months of baby fever and finally deciding we were probably done having kids (the timing just was not good for our family in many ways) despite the longing.  I had made peace with not having another, then surprise.  It's been hard for me to accept this pregnancy, and I feel guilty enough about that.  We decided to find out baby's sex this time (we were team green for our girls) and found out today that we are having a boy.  I can't lie - I am disappointed.  Like I said, I've had a hard enough time accepting the change this pregnancy and baby is bringing to our lives and the one thing I had to cling to was getting to experience it all again with another little girl.  I dreamed of having a girl, anything I was drawn to was "baby girl."  

I suppose it's just what I know, it's all I've experienced.  But I know for sure this will be our last child and I am just so sad that it wont be a little girl.  I feel like my daughters' baby stages flew by and before I knew it they were in school and I'm probably just missing that.  And mourning the loss of another daughter that will never happen.  It's stupid and makes me feel so insanely guilty.  And while we announced to family and friends that there's a new boy on the way, and our daughters are over the moon (they both were hoping for a brother), and everyone is congratulating and making the stupid "Yay, bet Dad is happy!" and "Finally a boy!" I am sitting alone every chance I get and crying.  I cried in the u/s room and the tech assumed I was happy.  DH asked if I was ok - he knew better.  All I can muster up to say to anyone is that I am surprised.

Sorry for the brain dump.

I'm quoting you natablue because I wanted to ask how you got over this.  Everyone says it will change the moment you meet your baby, but I worry it wont.  What if I resent him?  What if I look at him and think, "you were supposed to be a girl."  I know it will take time, and lord knows we hopefully have another 20 weeks for that.  But I'm just looking for others thoughts here.

I may delete this, so PDQ.  I just needed some place for someone to hear me.

[runblondie26]

Oct 23, 2013 9:39:15 GMT -5 runblondie26 said:

OK, I'll admit I was sad when I found out we were having a boy too (event hough I had a gut feeling from the start it was a boy). My brother and I are also about 4.5 years apart. Although we get along, we've always had our own interests and have never really been close. I was hoping having a another girl would help bridge the age gap between DD and her sibling.

I'm excited I'll get to experience having one of each though, and once I hold him it will feel perfect.

I do feel the pull to have a third now, be it boy or girl, to help round out the group.

Zombie thread!

And total LOL that I'm back here pregnant with my third. I knew I wasn't done at that point. Another boy on the way!

Boys are sweet and special in their own way, and I couldn't imagine our family any differently now.

[slcjess]

Lol @ myself because I was so confused as to why all these people that already had kids were coming in to talk about gender disappointment. Sometimes it helps to look at dates. Lol.
nolasteph, I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I was honestly a little worried I would be disappointed if we found out we were having a boy (we are) but I surprisingly wasn't. I would maybe ask yourself why you want a girl so badly. For me, it was just because I like our girl name more and I thought my son would be doomed to a lifetime of 'mommy's little ___' shirts, lol, but after really looking, there are tons of cute little boy things. There are so many good things about having a boy, like making your H have all the awkward puberty conversations. I wish I had more advice for you, OP, but I will admit that I don't really understand the obsession with girls (not just you, I feel like I hear a ton of boy-disappointment within my circle as well. My ILs, for example, went on and on for 10 weeks about how they hope its a girl, it better be a girl, MIL just KNOWS it's a girl. I'm curious if anyone else has experienced the opposite). Girls are great and I hope to have one some day, but boys are also awesome and sweet and funny, and I think you'll enjoy being able to experience both.

[jd15]

Like others said, it can be completely normal.

I don't have a preference, but of I didn't already have two girls I could see hoping for one. Dh really wants a boy and will be disappointed for a hot second if it's another girl. I get it.

[Deleted]

I was so confused that all of these nexties are having the same sex again...

I did have a little gender disappointment this time around that we are having a boy because I'm cheap and I wanted to reuse all of dd's stuff. I also think girls names are easier and we had one all picked out. But I know that if it was a girl, we would be slightly disappointed too. My h and I both strongly agree that the sex/gender does not define a person. We are very excited to have a boy and find out his personality.

[nolasteph]

FWIW, I am feeling better today. I am allowing myself to feel the emotions, and be honest with DH about it all, but I'm not obsessing over it.

One of the things that's driving me INSANE today is my mother. She refers to the baby as "that stinkin' boy!" constantly. In a "cutesy" way that I do not find cute at all. I wished for a girl just so she would STFU (ok that's not at all my main reason for the disappointment! but since she has said that from day one, swore up and down that the baby was a boy, I just wanted to shut her up! now I get to hear that damn phrase for who knows how long!). And also how excited everyone in our family and circle is. It makes me sad to think they may not have been nearly as excited had we announced baby was a girl. Yes, we have two girls already, but good lord people. We were not trying for a boy, we were not trying for a girl we were not trying at all!

I feel like I know my reason for the disappointment. We weren't trying for a baby, but it happened anyway. And I really do miss my girls' infancy. I miss the baby bows and little ruffle butt dresses. I miss their tiny squeaky voices. And I know that's normal too - but I feel like I was in a fog back then and I just MISS it. I wanted to relive it. Having a boy will be different. And I know those are silly reasons, but it was hitting me hard yesterday. At school pickup, I saw a mom with her two year old daughter, another holding her infant daughter and it took everything in me not to breakdown right there. It was just hard to come to terms with this pregnancy enough as it is, then once I started imagining going through it with another daughter, or remembering my girls as babies, I began to accept it. Now it's just another WHAM and I feel like I'm back at the beginning again.

[nolasteph]

Andplusalso - sorry for bringing back this old thread - like I said, I searched the board for "gender disappointment" because I thought I had seen it recently, but I obviously was imagining that.

[slcjess]

I'm glad you are feeling better.
I have to admit, I was happy my ILs were wrong, lol, so I get what you are saying about your mom. And I will also mourn the loss of ruffle-butt dresses with you

[Muddled]

I can guarantee you that your little boy will have a tiny squeaky voice, too, and you will love him for that and all of the other things about him that are unique to him.

[ssg73]

We are team green again (not my choice). I think we are having a boy as well and I am a bit sad about it. I think the main reason is that as a lesbian family with a daughter it will just be strange to have a boy and I dread the "man" of the family comments. We will figure it out but oh dear...a boy. It is probably best to get a little testosterone in here though. We also have trouble with boy names so that is a bit of an issue too. I saved all of dd's clothes so...of course we will have a boy! You will love having your little boy I am sure.