Poll: WWYD?

[cransplash]

One of my good friends from college got engaged over the summer. When she called to tell me, we talked about the wedding date (it's a destination wedding in Puerto Rico), and she was thinking her bach party would be in January.

Since then, my BFF and I have decided to do a girls birthday weekend with her daughter. She'll be turning 17yo, and we decided we'd go over MLK Jr Day (her birthday is 1/31, so it'll be the weekend before)- that way, she has an extra day off and we can make it a 3-day weekend. We are heading up north (4 hours away) to take her to an NBA game (we don't have an NBA team in our city). Tickets are bought ($180 each), and we decided this earlier this month. My BFF's daughter has also never been to the city, so we're going to do some shopping, lots of eating, and sightseeing too. 

I just got an email from the maid of honor saying that the bach party will be that same weekend in Chicago (with all of our college friends included- we're a close group).

I feel completely torn. My close college friends don't know this, but my BFF doesn't have a lot of money to throw around for $180 NBA tickets (let alone 2), and they also don't get to go on vacations b/c money is tight. (I paid for her daughter's ticket as her birthday gift.) Thus, she and her daughter are THRILLED to be going to this game, and they're going to be saving money from now until January to afford that weekend. (We will be driving, so cost savings there too.)

On the other hand, my college friend is getting married, and this is my friend's  bach party. (FWIW, I will be attending/flying the wedding to Puerto Rico in March.)

MM, WWYD?

[asoctoberfalls]

No question, original plans. Imagine how hurt your BFF (and her teenage daughter!) would be if you canceled because something came up that you'd rather attend!

[takeonyou]

Girls weekend for sure. Bach parties aren't a big deal. At least not as much as this girl's birthday seems to be.

[cransplash]

Oct 23, 2013 6:15:37 GMT -5 asoctoberfalls said:

No question, original plans. Imagine how hurt your BFF (and her teenage daughter!) would be if you canceled because something came up that you'd rather attend!

I am not saying (at all) that I'd rather attend the bach party. I made it a point b/c she had originally told me the bach party would be in Jan (this was back over the summer) but didn't tell me which weekend. Thus, I "knew" about the bach party before I planned the birthday weekend.

[LoveTrains]

Oct 23, 2013 6:15:41 GMT -5 takeonyou said:

Girls weekend for sure. Bach parties aren't a big deal. At least not as much as this girl's birthday seems to be.

While I still think you should go to the weekend with BFF and her daughter, I disagree that the bach party isn't as big of a deal as this birthday. Its an opportunity for OP to see her college friends and get together with that tight knit group.

Since you knew the bach party was going to be in January - and scheduled this without checking with the maid of honor - that is kind of on you. 

I think you have to do the weekend with BFF since it sounds like those NBA tickets can't easily be rescheduled. 

[IrishBelle]

Oct 23, 2013 6:18:17 GMT -5 cransplash said:

Oct 23, 2013 6:15:37 GMT -5 asoctoberfalls said:

No question, original plans. Imagine how hurt your BFF (and her teenage daughter!) would be if you canceled because something came up that you'd rather attend!

I am not saying (at all) that I'd rather attend the bach party. I made it a point b/c she had originally told me the bach party would be in Jan (this was back over the summer) but didn't tell me which weekend. Thus, I "knew" about the bach party before I planned the birthday weekend.

I disagree. You knew there would be a bachelorette party at some point. You didn't "know" when until after you had made other plans.  you need to keep your plans with your BFF.

[Deleted]

It is not a big deal AT ALL to miss the bachelorette party. So go to the game, hands down. Particularly because money has already been spent.

If you feel bad, send a bottle of champagne to the bachelorette party group (arrange it with a restaurant/club they're going to, or if they'll be at a hotel, have room service send up a bottle).

[cransplash]

Thanks guys. My gut instinct was to stick with my plans for my BFF and daughter.

v- I love the champagne idea! Will find out where the hotel is and send a bottle

[jerseyjaybird]

Original plans, no question.

[sunshineluv]

No brainer, original plans. The bach party will go on without you, the other plans are ruined if you bail. I would be really mad at you if I was the BFF here and you bailed.

But I see you already made up your mind . Have a fun weekend!!!

[ECB]

While you knew about the b-party, it's not reasonable to expect you to hold the ENTIRE month open. Hopefully your friend will understand.

And I totally understand your desire to go to the b-party. I love b-parties! But they aren't the "be all/ end all" of events. Remember - it's just a pre-cursor to the REAL event, the wedding.

[MixedBerryJam]

I don't see how this is even a question, to be honest. You made the firm plans with bff ("My bach party will be in January" is not a plan) first, and the friend (and you) made financial commitments to the weekend based on the plan. I don't even see a small conflict here.

[cransplash]

Oct 23, 2013 6:22:55 GMT -5 LoveTrains said:

Oct 23, 2013 6:15:41 GMT -5 takeonyou said:

Girls weekend for sure. Bach parties aren't a big deal. At least not as much as this girl's birthday seems to be.

While I still think you should go to the weekend with BFF and her daughter, I disagree that the bach party isn't as big of a deal as this birthday. Its an opportunity for OP to see her college friends and get together with that tight knit group.

Since you knew the bach party was going to be in January - and scheduled this without checking with the maid of honor - that is kind of on you. 

I think you have to do the weekend with BFF since it sounds like those NBA tickets can't easily be rescheduled. 

You are right- I should have checked in with MOH but it had slipped my mind that her bach party was going to be in Jan. It wasn't until I got the email last night that I remembered that it was in Jan (my friend/bride told me over the summer it would be in Jan, but I forgot).

[Deleted]

I would stick with original plans but let bachelorette people know now you can't make it and see if they can move.

I would be really sad to miss either.

[mbcdefg]

You're already going to the wedding, so skip the bachelorette and honor your original plans with BFF.

[ECB]

Oct 23, 2013 7:52:16 GMT -5 @kcpokergal said:

I would stick with original plans but let bachelorette people know now you can't make it and see if they can move.

NO!!!!  There will always be someone who can't make it.  And I would assume they picked that weekend because it's a 3-day weekend. I would find it horribly rude if I was the MOH and she said "Hey - I can't come.  Can you move it??".  The b-party really is SO not about the OP. 

[soozy87]

Stick with the birthday party!

[Deleted]

Oct 23, 2013 7:54:05 GMT -5 ECB said:

Oct 23, 2013 7:52:16 GMT -5 @kcpokergal said:

I would stick with original plans but let bachelorette people know now you can't make it and see if they can move.

NO!!!!  There will always be someone who can't make it.  And I would assume they picked that weekend because it's a 3-day weekend. I would find it horribly rude if I was the MOH and she said "Hey - I can't come.  Can you move it??".  The b-party really is SO not about the OP. 

I will explain my answer--This sounds like an actual close group. When I had my own bachelorette party, My hope was that every single person could come. And unless it is focused on an actual event (like basketball game in conflicting event), I would have wanted whatever date the most people come.

It wasn't clarified by the OP whether availability was established ahead. If so, then, no, I wouldn't say anything. If it wasn't, I would express my sincere desire to attend but imamovable conflict on that date.

As attendee, bachelorette parties have always been a huge committment of time and money. My impression has been that not attending them would have been the selfish thing to do.

[ECB]

Oct 23, 2013 8:12:52 GMT -5 @kcpokergal said:

Oct 23, 2013 7:54:05 GMT -5 ECB said:

I will explain my answer--This sounds like an actual close group. When I had my own bachelorette party, My hope was that every single person could come. And unless it is focused on an actual event (like basketball game in conflicting event), I would have wanted whatever date the most people come.

It wasn't clarified by the OP whether availability was established ahead. If so, then, no, I wouldn't say anything. If it wasn't, I would express my sincere desire to attend but imamovable conflict on that date.

As attendee, bachelorette parties have always been a huge committment of time and money. My impression has been that not attending them would have been the selfish thing to do.

I think she just needs to say that she can't attend. IF her attendance is SUPER important and the bride wants to find a date everyone can attend, then it's on the bride/ MOH to come back and say "Oh- well what if we moved it?"

I don't think it's for the OP to suggest at all.

And I have to say "what?" to the bolded.  How is it selfish to not attend a b-party?  Especially if they are a huge time/ money commitment (which they don't HAVE to be!)?  I'm genuinely baffled on the logic here.   It's a party like any other party.  Some people can come, some can't.  They aren't "must attend" events. 

[Deleted]

My assumption is that many brides care whether or not their friends attend their bachelorette party.

[ECB]

Oct 23, 2013 8:32:21 GMT -5 @kcpokergal said:

My assumption is that many brides care whether or not their friends attend their bachelorette party.

Sure, they care.  I cared.  BUT I also understood that life is busy and not everyone would be able to make it. 

[whitepicketfence]

I'm glad you've decided to keep your original plans. The birthday weekend sounds like a huge deal to the 17 year old. I bet she'd feel awful if you canceled on her.

As for the bach party, there's no way I'd ask the bride to reschedule it. I don't care how close knit the group is. If the bride wants to reschedule it so that you can attend, that's on her.

Sent from my SGH-M919 using proboards

[cransplash]

@kcpokergal- Yes, we are a tight knit group, and we do annual girls trips since graduating from college 10+ years ago. The last few years it has been difficult for all girls (there are 6 of us) to attend due to babies, money, other family commitments, etc.

I knew over the summer when bride told me she had gotten engaged that the bach party will most likely be in Jan sometime. Time has flown since then and I forgot about it completely as there was no mention of dates (or anything b-party related) until I got the email from the MOH last night. So was I told it'd be "sometime in Jan" over the summer? Yes. Did I forget about it? Yes.

Dates were not thrown around, and there seems to be a pretty good crowd (our close friends and her good friends she's made since then). Had dates been thrown around, I would have been able to say yes/no. Obviously I would love to attend, but I don't want to cancel our girls plan either, since we have it set in stone, tickets were purchased, and we are so excited to do a girls weekend away.

I already texted the bride so I can talk to her personally before responding back to MOH. Thanks for all the input!

[Velvetshady]

Oct 23, 2013 8:32:21 GMT -5 @kcpokergal said:

My assumption is that many brides care whether or not their friends attend their bachelorette party.

But if you are a bride that holds it against someone if they can't make it due to pre-existing commitments (or any other real reason), then you aren't really a "friend" to that person, just a self-centered ass.

[definitelyO]

Yup - stick with the original plans (but sounds like you knew that anyway). i get being bummed about the B-party - but you'll still go to the wedding and all those activities - so send regrets and champagne and maybe send a gift along as well if you want.

[msmerymac]

Oct 23, 2013 6:22:55 GMT -5 LoveTrains said:

Oct 23, 2013 6:15:41 GMT -5 takeonyou said:

Girls weekend for sure. Bach parties aren't a big deal. At least not as much as this girl's birthday seems to be.

While I still think you should go to the weekend with BFF and her daughter, I disagree that the bach party isn't as big of a deal as this birthday. Its an opportunity for OP to see her college friends and get together with that tight knit group.

Since you knew the bach party was going to be in January - and scheduled this without checking with the maid of honor - that is kind of on you. 

I think you have to do the weekend with BFF since it sounds like those NBA tickets can't easily be rescheduled. 

Which I assume the wedding will be, too, considering destination weddings to PR are usually not huge affairs.