Do you ever feel like you're missing out?

[Deleted]

And what do you do about it?

I have lots of truly single friends who do all sorts of cool things (travel, concerts, etc.). I don't think they intentionally exclude me, but I'm not invited to most things I think b/c they assume I will say no - and they're likely right most times. If I'm truthful, most of the time I'm going to pick doing things with DD and DH anyway. So, I don't know that I feel left out so much as I feel boring (and a bit bored). What do you do when you feel this way (if you ever do).

[karinothing]

Don't you live here? We really need to hang out becuase I feel the same way. It doesn't help that my two really good friends are moving internationally this summer. I feel really bored too, it doesn't help that DH doesn't really want to do anything on the weekends (he is more of a home body than me). I would just like an invite to dinner once in a while ha ha.

While this doesn't address the problem of kid free friends. I was thinking of inviting everyone I know with kids to a party in our apt club house. I feel like I know a lot of people with children and all the mother's talk about being lonely but none of us ever get together to hang out (and a lot of them don't know each other). I was thinking it be kind of cool to have an event where everyone could get to know each other (and hopefully make some friendships). I was even thinking I could do a monthly get together ...but I don't know if people would think that was cheesy or whatever. . .

I just miss doing stuff.

[Deleted]

With my friends? no. I still go to concerts, I still go out with friends (admittedly, not as much as I'd like, but that's really because of DH's job, not DD). My single friends still ask me to come out all the time. My married friends mostly have kids so we do a lot of stuff with the kids.

Actually, DH's job is the biggest hinderance from our social life and vacations- not DD. We have my parents to babysit if we wanted to go away for a weekend, or we'd take her on a long trip. DH just doesn't have the time.

[GailGoldie]

how old are you?

If i had kids in my 20s i think i would have felt that way... but i waited until i was in my 30s and I feel like i got all that out of my system- i DID all the stuff I wanted back then. I still do, now, but just not as often, and i'm 100% happy that way.

I think you need to make some friends who are moms with kids your age- it's much easier to hang with people who really understand where you are in your life. Friendships change over the years- and likey when your single friends get married and have kids- you'll all start hanging out more b/c you'll have more in common again- and that's fine - you can drift apart and back together again over the years as things change- it doesn't make anyone a bad person.

[Deleted]

Jun 26, 2012 9:56:27 GMT -5 GailGoldie said:

how old are you?

If i had kids in my 20s i think i would have felt that way... but i waited until i was in my 30s and I feel like i got all that out of my system- i DID all the stuff I wanted back then. I still do, now, but just not as often, and i'm 100% happy that way.

I think you need to make some friends who are moms with kids your age- it's much easier to hang with people who really understand where you are in your life. Friendships change over the years- and likey when your single friends get married and have kids- you'll all start hanging out more b/c you'll have more in common again- and that's fine - you can drift apart and back together again over the years as things change- it doesn't make anyone a bad person.

I don't know if that's necessarily always true. My BFF does not have kids and I don't think its affected our relationship. When I am going out, 99% of the time I'm not bringing DD with me.

Yes, I am glad I have friends with kids for playdates and weekend parties, but its actually harder to make plans with my BFF who has two kids than it is with my BFF without any kids- so I see the childless (not childfree, she's waiting for her ring, lol) BFF much more.

I also think it just depends on the person. I don't define myself as mommy (see post from yesterday) and I don't need to only do mommy type things with my kid. So I dont miss out on stuff with my other friends most of the time.

Then again, I only have one. I know things will change with 2. Yet another reason I am hesitating with having another.

[karinothing]

Also, I hope that my social life will increase once I can stay up past 9pm.

[Deleted]

My life got infinitely better when DD was STTN regularly.

[GailGoldie]

Jun 26, 2012 10:01:47 GMT -5 @iheartcosmos said:

Then again, I only have one. I know things will change with 2. Yet another reason I am hesitating with having another.

yeah- this is a big difference... it's so damn easy to get one kid out... go to lunch, etc.... doing that with 2+ is a different story- and it's not very enjoyable for a friend with no kids to sit through a meal with a friend who is dealing with 2+ kids.

also- babies are a whole lot easier to get out with than toddlers... etc.

I used to meet friends for lunch with my twins were infants - no problem- they just slept through it... but once they are moving? forget it - i wouldn't put anyone who didn't have kids through that torture

[Deleted]

I took DD out to dinner with my friends last week when DH was working late, and thank goodness the restaurant was empty because she was running around all over the place. She didn't even want to sit to watch Dora. sigh.

[Deleted]

I don't really have that many single friends but I definitely feel envious of our DINK married friends from time to time. I see what they're up to (going out to eat all the time, traveling to fabulous places frequently, not having the stress or frustration that goes along with having kids, having waaay more disposable income to enjoy) and wonder what a childfree life would have been like for us.

Two things help me when I start to feel like this. The first is just reminding myself that we're in a hard phase right now. Our kids are really young and we can't just leave them behind whenever we want to go out. But it won't be like this forever. I'm positive that there will be lots of fun childfree travel and activities in our future. Second, is hiring a babysitter or asking DH's parents to watch them so we can go out with our kidfree friends or just on our own. That always makes a huge difference and is usually so nice and relaxing.

Do you have a regular babysitter? If you find yourself feeling left out a lot, I'd consider booking one at least weekly. Or maybe you and your H could agree to switch off at least once a week so you can go out with friends.

[anna7602]

In NY, I don't have a whole lot of kid-free friends and the ones who are kid-free are super, super close friends who generally include me in things they know I would find babysitter-worthy. It's a whole different story now that we're in Paris, though. Even friends I've made who have kids prefer to have adults-only activities to doing things with the kids. It's a bummer.

I don't necessarily feel like I am "missing out," I just feel frustrated. At home, it was no big deal to go have dinner at a friends' place and have some wine and adult conversation while the kids ran around the living room. Here, I feel like it has been really hard to make adult friends because our children don't usually figure into the social plans. If I don't yet know you very well, I don't really feel like spending 100 Euros to leave my kid with a babysitter (nevermind that I actually just found a babysitter 5.5 months after moving here) or giving up time with my spouse on a weekend so he can hold down the fort.

[atouchofklasse]

For me it's just planning way in advance. I find a night that I know DH will be free and plan it out. I've been to NYC with my BFF for a girls weekend, had a few other nights away with friends, and gone out in town a ton of times.

What time does your daughter go to bed? Have friends over for wine and cheese once she's in bed.

Also our daycare is open until 6pm so we can still meet friends for an early happy hour drink before picking up.

[Deleted]

Jun 26, 2012 10:14:24 GMT -5 atouchofklasse said:

Also our daycare is open until 6pm so we can still meet friends for an early happy hour drink before picking up.

:-( :-(

my daycare is closed at 6 also-- which means I have to leave EARLY to pick her up on days the babysitter doesn't get her.

Plans during the week are always after 7 and it means I don't see DD that night.

[mrshandy]

Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.

It depends on the day and my mood. Working full time makes me want to just spend Friday nights at home drinking a glass of wine. But then some days I'm sad because I never get to go to happy hour anymore with friends.

It's a tough situation. I do agree that my social life got a lot better once DS STTN.

I'm in Arlington too, so I would be open to a GTG.

[h]

Hmm, yes and no. Our kid-free friends know that we are willing to hire sitters occassionally and therefore still invite us to all the big, pre-planned stuff--b-day dinners, parties, concerts, etc. And we have a lot of friends with kids who are pretty good about planning kid-friendly social functions. But we definitely miss out on the spur of the moment get togethers, happy hours after work, last minute "let's go shopping" or "let's play golf" invites that take up all day Saturday and Sunday, etc. because our friends know we can't really do that stuff. Sometimes it bothers me, but then I remember that I made the choice to have kids, and this is the trade off.

We almost never go out during the week. It is just not feasible. It is tough enough to get away from work to get the kids by 5:30. Sometimes I try to plan lunch with a friend during the work day to make up for that, but it can be tricky to get away from the office for that, too.

[Deleted]

Kari - We should hang out! I could have written you post exactly. I'm the planner - which is the only way we can really hang out with our friends with kids - and I feel like I'm dragging DH along for the ride most times (even though he likes these people).

Cosmos, when you go out do you get a babysitter? Part of my hesitation is that any time I go out in the evening DH comments (jokingly) that he has to watch DD. And I do feel badly leaving him alone at bedtime more than once per week. It's really one sided too - both b/c DH does evenings and I do mornings so it's harder for him to get together with friends in the evening and b/c he's not a planner. I do think we need to have a "bargain" of sortable that stops the comments b/c it really does hold me back sometimes.

To the poster who asked, I'm 33. But I spent my 20s in lawschool (which was actually a really fun time), and working 70 hr weeks (not so much). In this area early 30s feels "young" for kids. I FINALLY have so much free time, which is so amazingly awesome, but it's new (a few months) and I think I'm at a bit of a loss how to start filling it (not a bad problem to have).

Thanks for all the comments. Typing this out made me realize that I need to talk I DH about a good balance that lets me get out a bit more while not shortchanging him or DD.

I should add too that we do do things on the weekends - and we have plans for almost every weekend this summer. But, I'm comparing myself to friends who go to 4 concerts per month, mostly during the week. The other thing I run into is that my single friends tend not to plan as far in advance so I often have to say "no" b/c I already have plans. I think I just have to remember that we're at different stages right now.

[Deleted]

We just got a babysitter 2x a week after daycare. She usually doesn't stay to put DD to bed, but she has before. I often have networking events at night as well, so she has been a lifesaver. I haven't yet used her for a non-work reason but I may.

My parents also usually come 1 day a week to pick her up and they'll stay late if need be.

DH is super busy in the summer and hasn't been doing pick up as much as he used to. So he maybe puts her to bed 1x a week, if that.

[froggy76]

I sort of feel like I'm missing out when I see that my FB friends are travelling or just out at concerts, bars, etc. But, TBH, I felt like that even before I had DD. I just need to own up to the fact that I'm a homebody and it's usually my choice to be lame. At least now I have a good excuse to stay home.

DH and I are going to try to make more of an effort to get out with DD- to restaurants, parks, etc. We spent the winter cooped up with her and never really got used to getting out with a baby.

[satama]

I wish I had more friends with kids the same age, but we dont feel held back from travel or going out. I think our dogs hold us back more than the kids. We have to find someone to watch the dogs, the kids can come with us. DH and I take turns doing our own thing she the other watches the kids (usually I do drinks and movies or shopping or dinner with friends, DH goes to sporting events and /or has drinks with friends). We also take advantage of my mom being willing to watch the kids to have date nights, or we will have at home date nights with wine and a Dvd or something after the kids go to bed. We also have taken both boys to restaurants and hotels and such from very early so they are used to it and we can easily take them places.

We also try to find things that are fun for adults and still kid friendly. This past weekend we went to the Baltimore/DC food truck battle one day and the aquarium and little Italy the next day. Our local winery also has outdoor concerts and a " happy hour" with a farmers market and vendors. Those are also kid friendly.