NMMR: Would you say something?

[peachdragon]

And if you would, what would you say?

I have this friend who ALWAYS comments about my (small) breast size whenever we are together.  For instance, we had our core group (4 couples) over for a bonfire Saturday night, and she said something to the effect of, "You have no boobs!" She says it jokingly.  I have boobs, they're just not big.  FTR, her boobs are also of the small variety.  But she has said (seeing me in a bra during a costume change for a musical we were in together), "Hey! Your boobs are smaller than mine!"  That was the first time she commented on them, and I was a little bit dumbstruck.

She had some trouble in her past with bulimia, and she still has major body issues where she thinks she is fat, but is actually quite thin.  

We are somewhere between acquaintances and close friends.  We see each other a lot, but usually only for activities with this core group.  We've had her and her husband over for dinner once, too.  It seems like every single time we hang out, she mentions my tits.

I want her to stop, but I'm not sure if/how/when I should say something.  Usually when it happens we're in front of the group and I don't want to "call her out."  She is a really sweet girl otherwise.  I don't want to make a bigger deal out of it than it needs to be.  

I have had a hard time in the past expressing hurt feelings diplomatically and gently.  I need help in this area.

[soozy87]

How odd.

[Deleted]

If she says something again I would find an opportunity to pull her aside and tell her that it makes you uncomfortable and that even if she thinks it is cute/funny/appropriate it isn't and you want her to stop. If she does it again then call her out in from of everyone. It is weird to continually comment on someone else's breasts and she should worry more about her own than yours.

[lasagnasshole]

Yes, I would say something.

At this point, I wouldn't care about things being awkward. Let her feel awkward for her creeper ways.

I think the simple, "Why would you say that?" could have great effect here.

That is fucking weird.

[msmerymac]

I would say something like, "well, I'm comfortable with my breast size and no one else seems to fixate on how small they are," the next time she says something. How odd.

[kateross]

If it bothers you this much; next time she calls you out on it; just say "what's with your obsession with my boobs?".  If she says something in line with "I've never seen such small boobs!"; then say something like "I've never met anyone say something stupid".  That should shut her up.

But I'm a b*tch, so this type of conversation would be par for the course for me.

[peachdragon]

Yeah. It's weird. I really like her, but she has some major insecurity issues :-(

[mbcdefg]

If it were me I'd probably laugh and say something like, "Geez, Kim, every time we meet up it seems like you comment on my boobs. It's starting to get weird."

[peachdragon]

Oct 28, 2013 11:32:00 GMT -5 msmerymac said:

I would say something like, "well, I'm comfortable with my breast size and no one else seems to fixate on how small they are," the next time she says something. How odd.

I love this.

I wonder how uncomfortable it makes my and her husband.  

[jennistarr1]

next time, rather in public or private...don't try to pacify the situation with a funny comment...stare at her strangely...then as soon as you can go to her privately and say "why do you do that, you're always making negative comments about my breasts, I wish it would stop"

[peachdragon]

So I should call her out immediately the next time, and not send her a note now? It's hard because usually we're drinking and she slips it in in the middle of a lot of people talking. I'll try.

[peachdragon]

Oct 28, 2013 11:32:04 GMT -5 kateross said:

If it bothers you this much; next time she calls you out on it; just say "what's with your obsession with my boobs?".  If she says something in line with "I've never seen such small boobs!"; then say something like "I've never met anyone say something stupid".  That should shut her up.

But I'm a b*tch, so this type of conversation would be par for the course for me.

I don't think she would say that in reply; I think she would say, "I'm just joking."

To which I'd reply, "It's not funny.  To anyone."

[jerseyjaybird]

I'm also a "Why would you say that?" (delivered immediately after the comment) type. Her situation sounds sad and difficult, but she needn't be projecting that onto you.

[Susie]

Oct 28, 2013 11:33:36 GMT -5 mbcdefg said:

If it were me I'd probably laugh and say something like, "Geez, Kim, every time we meet up it seems like you comment on my boobs. It's starting to get weird."

Pretty much.

I'm not a fan of the passive aggressive approaches.  This seems like a fairly straightforward way to get the point across without backing her into a conversation corner/making her feel super awkward. 

I had a friend back in my swimming days who was similarly boob-obsessed.  Mostly, on her own.  I think she noticed other peoples' because she was already sort of insecure.  Sounds like your friend may be the same, so being kind in pointing it out is probably a better route.

[Deleted]

Hmmm. You should say something. I'm not sure whether it would be better to make a joke response or maybe send her an email or grab her privately so she's not embarrassed by her faux pas further?

[mbcdefg]

Oct 28, 2013 11:38:15 GMT -5 peachdragon said:

So I should call her out immediately the next time, and not send her a note now? It's hard because usually we're drinking and she slips it in in the middle of a lot of people talking. I'll try.

Yes, I'd do it when it happens.

If you send a note now, I think she's more apt to say something like, "Well, guys, PeachDragon's boobs look great today, but I'm not supposed to say that! Hahaha," the next time you're together, and then you're back to square one.

I appreciate that you don't want to embarrass her ... but, honestly, embarrassment is how people learn. Especially if they're so clueless that they don't realize from the get-go that this is really inappropriate. If she doesn't realize on her own that this is not right, then I doubt that a note would convince her otherwise. A little humiliation (for lack of a better word) will probably get her to think twice about saying it again, though.

I humiliated myself SO MANY times growing up - I said/did some really stupid things to people that really make me cringe. Yes, it stung at the time, but remembering that embarrassment is what makes me think twice before I say something now.

[lime]

Oct 28, 2013 11:41:08 GMT -5 peachdragon said:

Oct 28, 2013 11:32:04 GMT -5 kateross said:

If it bothers you this much; next time she calls you out on it; just say "what's with your obsession with my boobs?".  If she says something in line with "I've never seen such small boobs!"; then say something like "I've never met anyone say something stupid".  That should shut her up.

But I'm a b*tch, so this type of conversation would be par for the course for me.

I don't think she would say that in reply; I think she would say, "I'm just joking."

To which I'd reply, "It's not funny.  To anyone."

Yes. This is the right approach. 

[Velvetshady]

*I'd* say something, but I wouldn't advise others to say what I'd say. Which would be "Why are you so fixated with my boobs? If you really want to fondle them, just fucking say so." As I walked toward her slowly lifting my shirt.

[FWP]

Oct 28, 2013 11:56:55 GMT -5 mbcdefg said:

Oct 28, 2013 11:38:15 GMT -5 peachdragon said:

So I should call her out immediately the next time, and not send her a note now? It's hard because usually we're drinking and she slips it in in the middle of a lot of people talking. I'll try.

Yes, I'd do it when it happens.

If you send a note now, I think she's more apt to say something like, "Well, guys, PeachDragon's boobs look great today, but I'm not supposed to say that! Hahaha," the next time you're together, and then you're back to square one.

I appreciate that you don't want to embarrass her ... but, honestly, embarrassment is how people learn. Especially if they're so clueless that they don't realize from the get-go that this is really inappropriate. If she doesn't realize on her own that this is not right, then I doubt that a note would convince her otherwise. A little humiliation (for lack of a better word) will probably get her to think twice about saying it again, though.

I humiliated myself SO MANY times growing up - I said/did some really stupid things to people that really make me cringe. Yes, it stung at the time, but remembering that embarrassment is what makes me think twice before I say something now.

If I was upset enough about something like this to bother to write a note to the person, I would be apalled if they responded like you say here.

I would go the note route or pull her aside. That way you don't have a group convo come to an awkward grinding halt while you are trying to make your point.

[CloudBee]

Oct 28, 2013 11:45:45 GMT -5 @kirkette said:

I would clearly and directly say, "Stop making comments about my breast size".
Then, I'd move on.

Agreed.  She needs to be politely called out.

[peachdragon]

Oct 28, 2013 12:33:02 GMT -5 FWP said:

Oct 28, 2013 11:56:55 GMT -5 mbcdefg said:

Yes, I'd do it when it happens.

If you send a note now, I think she's more apt to say something like, "Well, guys, PeachDragon's boobs look great today, but I'm not supposed to say that! Hahaha," the next time you're together, and then you're back to square one.

I appreciate that you don't want to embarrass her ... but, honestly, embarrassment is how people learn. Especially if they're so clueless that they don't realize from the get-go that this is really inappropriate. If she doesn't realize on her own that this is not right, then I doubt that a note would convince her otherwise. A little humiliation (for lack of a better word) will probably get her to think twice about saying it again, though.

I humiliated myself SO MANY times growing up - I said/did some really stupid things to people that really make me cringe. Yes, it stung at the time, but remembering that embarrassment is what makes me think twice before I say something now.

If I was upset enough about something like this to bother to write a note to the person, I would be apalled if they responded like you say here.

I would go the note route or pull her aside. That way you don't have a group convo come to an awkward grinding halt while you are trying to make your point.

Yeah.  I highly doubt she would respond that way.  She's not a mean person. 

I'm worried about not only making her feel uncomfortable, but for, like you said, bringing the convo to a grinding halt. 

[peachdragon]

I think what I'll do, if I get a chance to when it happens, is say quickly and pointedly without a smile, "please stop commenting on my boobs, thanks." Get it over with quickly, don't call undue attention to it. Hopefully she can get the point, and everyone can move on.

[Deleted]

I'd say something like, "You obviously think commenting on my body is acceptable. I disagree. Please don't do it anymore." If she did it again, I'd say, "Why do you think it's ok to talk to me like that when I've asked you not to?"

[barefootcontessa]

I guess I am in the minority but I would not say anything. It is an odd thing to say, for sure, and it would annoy me but ultimately it would not be worth the time and effort to me to say something (because it would not bother me that much). But if it really bothers you then I would probably start with one of the more gentle, joke-like responses and go from there.

I have a "friend" (she is a neighbor) who routinely says things that are on their face are offensive -- like she is too smart to be a SAHM (like me) but I let them go. She seems to be insecure person in an unhappy marriage and my read is that she makes herself feel better by putting other people down. She has some good attributes, which is why I continue to be friendly with her, but I would never really trust her.