I am feeling sad for my parents

[pantsparty]

I just feel like we are THE WORST as kids. LOL.

They've been through a lot the past 15 years with my grandparents and then my brother passing. And now with my one brother back in rehab. I think they just wanted, at this age, to have a normal family and some grandkids and be hosting events, going to recitals and ball games, that sort of thing. I have one brother who is decidedly a hermit, another going to school, living with his girlfriend, probably not getting married until 30 or so, and then there's me, the most stable child, and even I am not having kids. Geez.

It sucks that not one of us can give them a normal grandparent experience, but hell, I'm not stepping up to the plate! Sometimes I just feel sad, though, like I'm disappointing them. 

Anyone else ever feel like that?

[WOT?*]

My kids probably do. At least I get the grandparent experience...coupled with a re-parent experience. And one of them is finally giving me something of the "make something of my life" experience.

[melindafelinda]

Totally. We basically all suck. I'm holding out hope for my 22 yr old brother.

[KKD]

Not in the same sense, but I often think my dad must be disappointed that none of us stepped up to take on the family business. It's part of the reason I started working there after college, and an even larger reason why I stayed there as long as I did. He worked so hard to build the company, and unless I go back when my kids are older, none of us will be there to take over when he retires. I know he is proud of us for what we've done for ourselves, but I can't help but think he wishes at least one of us had an interest in furthering his life's work.

This could very well be all in my imagination, of course, but I doubt it is.

eta: I have talked to my older brother about it and know he feels the same as I do. Have you ever talked to your brothers to see if they ever wonder the same? 

[bonquiqui]

I pretty much feel like a huge disappointment.  I was so close to providing a grandchild, then my marriage failed, and I basically have to start from square one, which I am not even ready to do.  

[sonrisa]

Oct 28, 2013 23:35:50 GMT -5 pantsparty said:

probably not getting married until 30 or so

Well, that sounds pretty awful.

[pantsparty]

I guess we all let down our parents. I just didn't think it would be such a...successful group effort here. LOL.

[pantsparty]

Oct 28, 2013 23:54:41 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

Oct 28, 2013 23:35:50 GMT -5 pantsparty said:

probably not getting married until 30 or so

Well, that sounds pretty awful.

Ha ha, that didn't come out right. The bigger issue is I don't think they're going to have any kids, either. My H's girlfriend has an 8-year-old, whom we all love to pieces. But they (my parents) want a grandbaby fresh out of the box. LOL.

I'm hoping they'll change their minds! They're the last hope!

[pantsparty]

Oct 28, 2013 23:51:00 GMT -5 KKD said:

Have you ever talked to your brothers to see if they ever wonder the same? 

I've just been thinking about it more in the past week or so, what with everything going on. They're good people and it makes me sad things can't be a little nicer and easier for them. I don't know if my brothers really think about this stuff; I should ask them.

[amberlyrose]

Oct 28, 2013 23:57:46 GMT -5 killercupcake said:

Many people make me feel that way and we're planning on having kids. My parents have gotten better about it, but they still ask "When will we be grandparents?!"

If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me about it at my bff's daughter's birthday yesterday, I could quit grad school and live on the interest.

Exactly.
I've been married for 5 years, so the state of my uterus is in constant question. 
My biggest fear is something happening to one of them before I have a kid. I know they REALLY want grandkids, and I'm the only married one, so the pressure is on me. It sucks.

i also hate that we live so far away, so it doesn't even matter. My cousin just had twins, so my mom is a little jealous of her sister right now because she takes care of the babies during the day and all my cousins live close to home and have big get togethers with all their little ones. 

[amberlyrose]

Oct 29, 2013 0:18:22 GMT -5 killercupcake said:

Oct 29, 2013 0:14:37 GMT -5 amberlyrose said:

Exactly.
I've been married for 5 years, so the state of my uterus is in constant question. 
My biggest fear is something happening to one of them before I have a kid. I know they REALLY want grandkids, and I'm the only married one, so the pressure is on me. It sucks.

i also hate that we live so far away, so it doesn't even matter. My cousin just had twins, so my mom is a little jealous of her sister right now because she takes care of the babies during the day and all my cousins live close to home and have big get togethers with all their little ones. 

We're hitting our 7 year wedding anniversary on Sunday. We're the only married couple in our group of friends without kids. One couple just announced that they're having a third. We're all 27/28. It's crazy to me. We're not old by any stretch of the imagination, we have time. 

Thankfully, none of our close friends have kids, but I think it's gonna start happening soon. We're all in the 26-32 age range, so it's coming up for a few. I want to wait 2-4 more years. 

[amberlyrose]

Oct 29, 2013 0:27:17 GMT -5 killercupcake said:

Oct 29, 2013 0:22:12 GMT -5 amberlyrose said:

Thankfully, none of our close friends have kids, but I think it's gonna start happening soon. We're all in the 26-32 age range, so it's coming up for a few. I want to wait 2-4 more years. 

Yeah, I think we'll start trying in the next couple of years. Not to mention, I'm in school full time and H's about to get out of the military. Who in their right mind would say "Yes, NOW is an excellent time to have babies?" But I guess we're the crazy ones. I like having a steady income and health insurance. Call me wild!

H is starting to get antsy though. lol It's cute when he gets that way, but not other people. Double standard!

I'm just enjoying the first time in my life that I have money AND time for myself. I've always taken care of others and with our new jobs, DH and I are finally in a place where we can breathe and just enjoy life. I'm not giving that up right now. 

[gretchenindisguise]

My parents got off so lucky. I mean once I didn't die in infancy/toddlerhood the next thing I did was rebelling into religion. I didn't even go the evangelical route even though I was being pulled there by a friend.

[KKD]

Oct 29, 2013 0:03:57 GMT -5 pantsparty said:

Oct 28, 2013 23:51:00 GMT -5 KKD said:

Have you ever talked to your brothers to see if they ever wonder the same? 

I've just been thinking about it more in the past week or so, what with everything going on. They're good people and it makes me sad things can't be a little nicer and easier for them. I don't know if my brothers really think about this stuff; I should ask them.

I get this. I feel the same about my aunt and her kids, who, while they have given her grandkids, have also really put her and my uncle through the ringer. And another aunt, whose son died and whose daughter is 40 and unmarried; I know it hurts her that the rest of us are getting married and having kids.

I think parents have to learn to accept their kids for who they are and the choices they make, and they find a way to be happy as long as we are happy.

[Saint Monica]

pantsparty I'm sure your parents prefer that you be child free than for you to have a baby out of guilt/obligation

[vicky]

Oct 28, 2013 23:53:58 GMT -5 bonquiqui said:

I pretty much feel like a huge disappointment.  I was so close to providing a grandchild, then my marriage failed, and I basically have to start from square one, which I am not even ready to do.  

Yup.

[ProfessorArtNerd]

Well, my sister and I have each prevented a grandchild, but we are likely disappointments in every other way. I feel especially bad, I mean, I went to GRAD school! I was supposed to be a published professor with tenure by now. Not so much...

[pantsparty]

Oct 29, 2013 0:33:09 GMT -5 mofongo said:

Oct 28, 2013 23:57:49 GMT -5 pantsparty said:

Ha ha, that didn't come out right. The bigger issue is I don't think they're going to have any kids, either. My H's girlfriend has an 8-year-old, whom we all love to pieces. But they (my parents) want a grandbaby fresh out of the box. LOL.

I'm hoping they'll change their minds! They're the last hope!

Your H has a girlfriend?? lol, am I reading wrong.

Anyway, yes I get it. I am both of my parents only child and I'm not having any of my own (wilted). My dad has had the experience through my stepbrother, thank God! Now that he's so sick I am even more grateful. But yeah, I get it:( 

Oops, LOL! My brother! Freudian slip?

[pinkroses]

Oct 29, 2013 2:35:49 GMT -5 panicfoot said:

I finally realized that it wasn't MY fault they pinned their future happiness on me and stopped feeling guilty about it. You should, too. I know you know this, but it isn't your fault preconceived expectations about how their lives would turn out aren't being fulfilled.

I like this and am going to have to remember it.  My parents finally stopped pressuring me because they think I'm infertile.  No, mom, it's called birth control. 

[pitterwoo]

I could have pretty much written that. I don't know what happened, we were a pretty normal family when I was growing up. Everyone has dysfunction, but I don't think my parents deserve as much as they've had to deal with. My mom died and so my dad is on his own with everything and I know that's not how he ever imagined it going.

At least H and I are having a baby now, we just told him 2 weeks ago and he was nearly in tears. I hadn't even realized because he never pressured us.

[sparkythelawyer]

I think my Dad got a normal "enough" experience, since both of my sisters have kids. I worry that my family will be disappointed in me if we don't have kids, though, since they are always mentioning it in this "We're all breezy and joking about this! But seriously when are you going to make some babies already" kind of manner. I'm 34. I'm at least a year, at the minimum, from being in a position where I could even think about TTC. The doctors have already told me there could be hiccups in the process. My husband has spent his entire life on a variety of crazy medications who could have done god knows what to his fertility. Yes I'd like kids, but I'm well aware of the fact that the ship could have sailed. I just hope they will be ok with it if that is the case.

[amberlyrose]

Oct 29, 2013 0:39:23 GMT -5 littleduck said:

I relate to the person above who said they feel guilty for moving so far away. Generations of my family have all lived in the same 20 mile radius. My brother and I got out as soon as we could because we felt so suffocated. I'm about to move even farther away. I think my mom and dad are really sad about it. And it makes me nervous that when kid time comes I won't have any family help, and they won't get to grow up with their family close by like I did. Pros and cons though.

If you asked my parents what they wanted the most for us, they wanted us to be successful. Well, they got it. But I think they didn't think about the costs of priming us for that and sending that message our whole lives.

((pantsparty)) you are one tough and awesome chick.

I could've written that word for word, except with my little sister.

[wrathofkuus]

I should probably feel sad for my parents for this reason, but I don't.