When your kid refuses to eat what you've made...

[gmail]

Do you offer him/her other options? Or do you say "Sorry, that's all there is" in some manner?

DS is almost 3 and most nights (lunch too on the wknds), he will throw a fit when it's time for a meal. He never wants "lunch" or "dinner" but only snacks. If the food we offer seems like a meal-food (chicken, tortellini, etc), he goes ape-shit, screaming for a "SNACK! I WANT A SNACK INSTEAD! NO DINNUH! SNACK!"

omg.

So...do we keep up with the "Sorry, this is what there is..." or do we cave and make him something I know he'll eat?

[jerseygrl]

Take this for what it's worth.

Son is 2 and he is a good eater but extremely picky with what he eats.  Most days they are snacks but I offer him everything we eat to see if he'll bite.  If not, we will male him something else.

Our problem with him, though, is sensory.  He is only taking to certain textures so that is the problem we are crossing.

My guess is it's just a phase.  It will get better.  Just keep offering and hopefully one time he'll give in. 

[thebuddhagouda]

I always make sure there is one thing (like mandarin oranges or apple sauce or raisins) that he will see as a snack type food and definitely eat on his plate. Other than that, he gets what we are eating. If he refuses to eat it, I save it for him. If he claims to be hungry later, he can have his plate back but nothing else.

I don't push that he has to eat his dinner. If he doesn't eat it, he doesn't eat it BUT I don't short order cook for him or offer him anything else.

[McGavin]

Our mealtime rules are that DD1 has to sit with us. She doesn't have to eat what we're having but sometimes I make her at least try it. If she didn't eat anything then I make her wait about an hour before I make her a peanut butter sandwich.

[eb777888]

David doesn't eat the same thing as us most days. He just doesn't. He hates fruits and vegetables and we love them. I do put some on his plate every night and at least two other things I know he'll eat. He can eat it or not but he doesn't get anything else if he doesn't eat it.

[DotAndBuzz]

Can you call it something else? E is nearly 3, and getting weird about her meals. "NO! This not DINNER! This a SNACK!" Um, ok. Your mashed potatoes, hot dog, grapes and carrots are a snack. Yes. You're right. Snack it is.

Maybe that could be his snack dinner. Or just call everything a snack.

If he's just flat out refusing to eat it, and demanding snack type food, I wouldn't go with that. Before kids I was very "you will eat what is served or go hungry," but then I got 2 kids who are tiny and picky eaters. So if they don't want what I serve, they can have a bowl of cereal and milk after dinner is done. I'm not making them a whole separate meal, but I'll give them cereal. When they're old enough (if they're still picky), they can make themsleves a PB&J. again, I'm not going to make it for them at that point, but that was the rule in my house growing up, and I'll probably carry it over into mine since it seemed to work well. My mom didn't want to make food an issue (and knew that hungry kids were crabby, poorly behaved kids), so if we didn't want to eat what she made, we could have a sandwich of our making instead.

[pillowpants]

At 3, we put an end to the demands to eat something else if DD wasn't happy with what was being served for dinner. She understands that refusal to eat dinner means no dessert. And refusal to eat dinner in addition to a tantrum means straight to bed.

I do try to incorporate stuff that I know she will eat along with her dinner such as fruit. This way she is getting something in her stomach before she goes down for the night.

[gretchenindisguise]

18mos-3y.o. was the worst trying to feed L. She went from eating everything to nothing. And she's tiny and stubborn. I always request she eat at least one bite of dinner, and after that she can decide if she doesn't want to eat. If she wants something totally different - her choices are: yogurt, cheese stick or fruit. I'm not making something else.

If it's something new - I usually have something else I know she'll eat at the ready.

4 has been so much better on the eating front. The kid finally eats green things again.

[gmail]

Thanks, all.

I'm torn b/w wanting to set up a habit of eating regular food for dinner and not wanting him to be hungry, ya know?

He's usually a good eater! Like, if/when we can get him to eat, he'll eat what we're having. He loves beans, tilapia, chicken, lentils, broccoli, pasta, etc. He would also eat bread w/hummus and a greek yogurt for every meal if I let him.

[gmail]

The other hard part is explaining to an almost 3 yo that we are Kosher, so we don't eat yogurt/cheese/milk with our chicken.

[lilafowler]

I'm going through the same thing-we've just started trying the whole "well that's it-if you're really hungry you'll eat it".

I do try to include at least one thing I know she'll like. I also try to make her take a bite of everything but that usually starts a battle or involves her making horrible faces and letting it dribble or drop out of her mouth like a little jackass.

[thebuddhagouda]

Oct 29, 2013 9:44:05 GMT -5 gmail said:

I'm torn b/w wanting to set up a habit of eating regular food for dinner and not wanting him to be hungry, ya know?

I get that absolutely. I know every kid is different, but I will tell you that my kid will not let himself go hungry. He may whine about being hungry to try to get junk food or a snack, but if he is truly hungry he will eat the food we offer.

That's how I always test him when he has eaten dinner and is still randomly whining for a snack 15 minutes before bed. Yes, you may have a snack but it will be broccoli or peas. Nothing else. If he's actually that hungry, he'll eat it. If he's not, he'll ask for something else and go about his merry way when we don't give it to him. 

[sparkythelawyer]

This will sound weird, and again, I have made precisely zero humans, but I feel like I saw either here or on some blog a mom who would put her kids meals in muffin pans (or fancier serving devices of that size). If it looked smaller, and more fun, and easier to get his hands on, would it be more likely that he considered it "a snack?"

[DotAndBuzz]

Oct 29, 2013 9:36:59 GMT -5 superduper said:

My kids are older, so take this with a grain of salt, but they eat what is put in front of them. Doesn't matter if they like it or not. A normal meal there is a meat, a veggie, and a starch. If the veggie is green beans and they don't like green beans, they are still expected to eat a small amount. We have a clean plate rule and the kids are expected to eat everything on their plates. That said, I always give them less than I think they will eat, I don't want to set up a lifetime of eating issues, but they need to also understand what the expectations are at meal time.

Then might I suggest tossing the clean plate rule, coupled with not giving a shit if they like it or not, because there are expectations to be met at mealtime?  Your whole post is a little WTF to me.  There are many ways to encourage healthy eating habits.  Expecting a kid to clean his plate, regardless of whether he likes the food or not, does not strike me as one of them.

[hawtdog]

Oct 29, 2013 9:37:05 GMT -5 pagas said:

She has to try everything. If she doesn't eat something, she can have fruit in addition to what we are having. I am not making an extra meal.

This exactly. We do no thank you bites and insist she try everything. She is impossibly fussy so never likes it, but I figure at some point that will change. I don't make an extra meal and the only thing she can have if she doesn't eat dinner is fruit.

[thebuddhagouda]

Oct 29, 2013 9:49:40 GMT -5 DotAndBuzz said:

Oct 29, 2013 9:36:59 GMT -5 superduper said:

My kids are older, so take this with a grain of salt, but they eat what is put in front of them. Doesn't matter if they like it or not. A normal meal there is a meat, a veggie, and a starch. If the veggie is green beans and they don't like green beans, they are still expected to eat a small amount. We have a clean plate rule and the kids are expected to eat everything on their plates. That said, I always give them less than I think they will eat, I don't want to set up a lifetime of eating issues, but they need to also understand what the expectations are at meal time.

Then might I suggest tossing the clean plate rule, coupled with not giving a shit if they like it or not, because there are expectations to be met at mealtime?  Your whole post is a little WTF to me.  There are many ways to encourage healthy eating habits.  Expecting a kid to clean his plate, regardless of whether he likes the food or not, does not strike me as one of them.

I agree actually. I want my kid to know that he can stop eating when he's not hungry, and he usually will. He's left half eaten cookies on a plate before. I also don't want to spend my entire dinner stressing about how many bites he's putting in his mouth because nobody has a pleasant meal that way. I ask him to try a bite of everything and make it clear he's getting nothing else if he doesn't eat a decent amount of it, but nothing is contingent on the plate being completely clean.

[runforrest]

Our kids eat what we eat, or they eat nothing. I try to make things that I know they normally like, or at least a meal that has some things that they normally like, but shit, they are 3 and one night apples are amazing and the next they are poison, so who knows?

Our daughter is usually the one we battle with the most, and some nights her food is thrown in the garbage because she refuses to eat anything and just messes around with her food. I don't know if our system is really working, because it's not like she cleans her plate the next night, but we are trying to stay consistent and hoping we turn a corner with her.

[gmail]

The "clean plate club" is a hard one for me. I don't want him to feel forced to eat food if he's really not hungry or already full. I don't want him to feel like he HAS TO clean his plate. I might have to talk to DH about that one.

[fivechickens]

We generally feed them what we know they will eat but I always have them try what I make gor husband and I. Some days that means one of my girls will eat snacks all day. This fine because we have had a hell of a time getting her to this point.

If I knew she would eat it but is being diffcult for no reason than I might do some 'eat or don't but you get won't get snacks if you don't eat it' tough love.

[dragonfly08]

My kids are a little older, but what we've always done is told them they have to at least try what is served. Then they can have something else (healthy and easily prepared...I'm not cooking another meal) to go with it, like a PB&J, or some fruit. They're not going to like everything I make and that's ok, I won't starve them because they have different tastes than I do. But they absolutely do have to give it a chance first.

[sonrisa]

I never offer only one food at a meal and I strive to offer things I think she'll eat. However, if she isn't interested in what I've offered then that is that. She can wait until later and eat then. I don't make a big issue out of it or turn it into a fight. She isn't going to starve herself long term.

For example, I might set out milk, cherry tomatoes, a humus sandwich and apple slices. If she eats it all, great. If she doesn't eat the veggies, then the next meal will have more veggies - perhaps only offering three veggies if she's skipped them for two meals.

[DotAndBuzz]

Oct 29, 2013 9:52:20 GMT -5 gmail said:

The "clean plate club" is a hard one for me. I don't want him to feel forced to eat food if he's really not hungry or already full. I don't want him to feel like he HAS TO clean his plate. I might have to talk to DH about that one.

I really really REALLY take issue with the clean plate club.  Kid's appetites are so strange, and not like an adult's.  Some days they really just aren't hungry, and some days they're bottomless pits.  They can eat a giant lunch, and be fine for the rest of the day.  I think letting them decide the amount they eat is important to learn their hunger and satiation cues.  Trying a bite of everything is something we encourage, but forcing a kid to finish everything in front of them is not necessarily a great thing, IMO.

[PeonyParty]

She eats at a different time as us, so when I make dinner, I give her options which typically include leftovers from us the night before or a small amount of what I would be making that night. I suppose I am sort of a "short order cook" in the sense that she decides what she eats, but I only give healthy or already made options, so it works for us.
She does a good job of asking for snacks when she wants to nibble and telling us when she's hungry.

[gretchenindisguise]

Oct 29, 2013 9:57:31 GMT -5 DotAndBuzz said:

Oct 29, 2013 9:52:20 GMT -5 gmail said:

The "clean plate club" is a hard one for me. I don't want him to feel forced to eat food if he's really not hungry or already full. I don't want him to feel like he HAS TO clean his plate. I might have to talk to DH about that one.

I really really REALLY take issue with the clean plate club.  Kid's appetites are so strange, and not like an adult's.  Some days they really just aren't hungry, and some days they're bottomless pits.  They can eat a giant lunch, and be fine for the rest of the day.  I think letting them decide the amount they eat is important to learn their hunger and satiation cues.  Trying a bite of everything is something we encourage, but forcing a kid to finish everything in front of them is not necessarily a great thing, IMO.

It's been tied to food issues in adulthood. 

[revolution]

We are very laid back about meals. If I make something that only DH and I like, they get some of that but they can also have a sandwich or something else. I always make sure there is a fruit or something on the table they will eat.

DS will still eat everything. DD has always been picky. I try to make sure she tries everything. If we are having peas, since she is 5, she eats 5 peas. after that, she can have the sandwich or whatever but I don't force food on her.

I don't do the 'clean your plate' deal. I try to encourage eating when you are hungry and not because we told you to. So, the opposite of what my parents did to me.

[eb777888]

I used to battle him with dinner. Now I just want him to eat healthy and as long as he's getting a healthy meal, then I'm not stressing. He will not eat vegetables or fruits, he won't. I made him try them once (just ONE bite) and he threw up so I tossed out that rule, lol. I do put them on his plate and hope that one day, he will try them. It will probably take literally years of doing this before he does but I can't force these things. I think he has some mild textures/sensory issues and I'm scared that if I go strict with him on this, then he'll never want to eat them.

My hope is that he'll eventually get bored with the 20 things he'll eat. My pedi said I can't force food, I can only offer it. So....

[PeonyParty]

My father was a clean your plate parent personality which entailed stalemates of me sleeping at the dinner table because I was not allowed to get up from the table until I cleaned my plate. It's the worst thing you could do for food ever. I struggle with overeating and also anxiety and guilt over not finishing meals and I'm 30.

[sonrisa]

Oct 29, 2013 9:45:50 GMT -5 gmail said:

The other hard part is explaining to an almost 3 yo that we are Kosher, so we don't eat yogurt/cheese/milk with our chicken.

For now, could you make either lunch or dinner dairy and the other meat? "we don't eat that for breakfast / lunch / dinner" works pretty well for us.

The lines I've personally drawn usually have nothing to do with traditional meals and more to limit okay but less healthful offerings to only a specific time of day. I sometimes feed her drinkable yogurt before preschool to get us going fast and still get some protein in her. But the sugar content is too high for daily eating so flavored yogurt is a "breakfast food" for her :-)

[BlueNotebook]

Dinner time was becoming a battle ground for us. Honestly I think it was just something she could fight about and try to control. I was tired of fighting so I said she had to eat three bites of what we were having, then she could make her own sandwich. (She will be 4 next month). The first night she ate a sliced cheese and Saltine sandwich and was the happiest kid on the planet. The next it was cheese and.... I can't remember. It as wonderful. Then DH decided he didn't like it and stopped it. I'm working on convincing him.

I realize this only worked for us because it was a power-struggle issue and not a food issue.

[eb777888]

Oh, like sonrisa said, I also don't make a big deal about food. "Okay, eat it don't eat it, no biggie. It's there if you change your mind."