Visitors After Birth

[pugz]

I vote hotel!

[Mushe]

I vote hotel as well. Honestly, it's great that he's excited, but if you can't already say FIL would be a help by doing xyz thing that he's known for, I would probably just say it's better to have them come out per their original plan.

FWIW, we took baby from CA to PA for Christmas and had a great time. He was 4 weeks old then. It's not for everyone, but I was over the initial hump of being a new mom and it was nice that all of my ILs got to meet him. And since we were in their house, I didn't have to be "on" or worry about doing any of the cooking or cleaning.

[ECB]

Hotel. YOu have a small home, and you don't know exactly the logistics of how things will work, etc. I don't think having someone actually staying WITH you is "help". If he stays at a hotel but comes over in the late morning- then he really might nbe able to help. Clean up the kitchen, do some laundry, help throw lunch and/or dinner together.

I feel like having the seperation at night will help ALL of you out.

[anna7602]

Another vote for hotel.

We lived in a 2BR apartment when DD was born and overnight visitors felt like a real imposition on our space. Even though DD was sleeping with us, it sucked when I realized at 3am that the only clean diapers were in the guest room/nursery, etc. And since I was nursing, I also felt a little self-conscious about nursing around FIL. I got over feeling self-conscious eventually, but in the first month, I didn't want to flash a boob in front of anyone.

[mrshandy]

Ick. Yeah I would vote hotel as well.

You are going to be BF 24/7. I didn't want to BF (even with a cover) in front of my dad or my FIL and they both visited within the first week. They both stayed at hotels since we lived in a 2BR as well. It was difficult when they were around though since I had to sequester myself to the nursery as opposed to the couch in front of the tv.

Visiting at 6 weeks really is a much better plan. Is there any way you can go back to that? Your baby will be much more "interesting" then. To me having my FIL visit would make everything much more difficult. You need "help" that you are comfortable with.

[drloretta]

So, you want someone there, but now you don't want FIL there?

Tell him that, due to the logistics and timing, it would be better for him to stay at a hotel. That would give him the opportunity to get some rest while you're up with a nb, and he can come and go as he pleases. And no, I don't see an issue with a 70yo man doing laundry. I wouldn't trust my dad to do it properly (hello mixing of reds and whites) but he would be the type to cook, run errands, cuddle his grandchild while I took a nap, fix that leaky faucet, and make a Starbucks run.

[Mushe]

Also, my ILs came out to visit when baby was about 10 days old. This was planned in case we decided that Christmas was a no-go, as we made clear we'd reserved our right to do.

Anyway, MIL was insistent that she would help and do whatever we needed, and it was actually pretty stressful. We have a third bedroom so they weren't in the nursery, but she would still ask what she could do to help instead of just f'ing doing something. Exhausting.

Also, FIL wasn't comfortable watching me nurse, so he'd vacate the living room whenever I did it, and eventually I gave up and just retreated to my bedroom.

[hopecounts]

Definitely hotel, then he can help by picking up food for everyone on his way to your house each day.
Also don't be afraid to ask him to help, if he says he's coming to help then hold him to it.
You'll need whatever help you can get so if he insists on coming make it work for you.

[niki]

He won't be a help, he will be a burden and you will feel stressed at the obligation of having a guest while trying to take care of a newborn. Tell him thanks for the awesome offer and tell him you can't wait for him to visit 6 weeks after the baby is born. Don't forget to send him a link for a few moderately priced hotels in the area.

[anna7602]

Jun 26, 2012 14:45:37 GMT -5 littlespitfire said:

I also wanted MIL, who we had to drag kicking and screaming to our wedding, to actually WANT to come see her granddaughter. This whole situation is fraught with emotional issues.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Having a baby stirs up some uncomfortable emotional stuff, including recognizing you have expectations that will never be fulfilled. It's really hard to let go of that. Some of the family stuff surrounding DD"s birth still upsets me a little to this day. Hugs to you.

[fortmyersbride]

Another vote for hotel.

FIL stayed for a week with us after DS was born. He did nothing around the house. He sat on the living room couch and held the TV remote all day. He expected to be served food. DH was back at work. I was miserable and hid in our master bdr for most of the week so I could BF. if you are not close to FIL, it will be a rather uncomfortable week.

[slug*bug]

Even though I'm typically a pretty private person, I had no problem BFing in front of MIL or my mom. If FIL had been there, it would've been a different story: it's a hassle to get up and move every time the baby needed to be fed. It was nice to be able to move around the apartment w/o worrying about modesty, etc., b/c he wasn't around.

[noodleoo]

I recommend you do not have him come out. I doubt he can really be helpful, you will probably feel more stressed that you have to take care of him, and this is not a time to have to worry about that. I'd tell him you appreciate the offer, but think it will be easier for you to adjust as a family just the 3 of you.

[DarcyLongfellow]

It might honestly be more trouble than help.

There's simply not a whole lot that another person can DO to help a new mom. If you're nursing, the baby is going to want you and no one else. You will be stuck in a chair with boobs that feel like they're on fire and a screaming infant in your lap who desperately wants to eat but can't figure out how.

Unless it's someone with experience helping new moms nurse, the only things people can do to help you are to bring you food, clean your house, and do your laundry. But those aren't the things a new grandparent wants to do -- your FIL is going to want to sit and hold the baby. Which really just isn't that helpful at that stage.

If your DH can be direct with him and tell him "hey, it would be great if you could bring us dinner every night that you're here" and if he'll do things like run and unload the dishwasher, then sure -- have him come. But only if he stays in a hotel. You're going to have too much going on for him to stay in your house.

Also -- be careful with plane flights. You could very well give birth up to two weeks late. And the last thing you need when you're overdue and miserable is a soon-to-be-grandparent staring at you desperate for any sign of labor!

[froggy76]

I would tell him to just come for a couple days and stay in a hotel. My boobs were out at least half the time in the beginning. It's really important for you to be able to nurse round the clock and that's hard to do when you don't have privacy.

[bunch]

JUST SAY NO.

[bunch]

Oh, and about this mythical support person, I really think you'll be fantastic without her. I did not ever feel comfortable bfing in front of my mom or mil (and I think they're both swell), nor did I have anyone helping around the house after dd arrived. In fact, dh and I talked later about how important it was that we figured out thing on our own. We really cherished the time that we spent together as a new family. I would not have felt comfortable with anyone intruding on this time.

[SusanBAnthony]

My mom is alive, and was helpful *when she visited*, but she works FT, and doesn't live near us. It sucks to be "alone" (other than DH) but you will be ok!

There is nothing wrong with hired help vs family help, either. Hired help with load dishes, fold and put away laundry, cook food, and clean your house. Family help might do that, or they might sit on the couch all day and expect you to cook for them . Hired help FTW! Get a PP doula, would be my advice.

[Ashley&Scott]

I think you have a good plan & I hope IL's agree to it