s/o Smart

[speckledfrog]

Reading the first chapter of Nurture Shock really changed my mind on telling my kid he is smart. I still do, on occasion, but I do try to emphasize the process or effort. As much as you can with a toddler, anyway.

[Deleted]

The things that come out of my mouth......

"Good putting that in the cup!"

"Good work not tripping!"

"Thank you for being sooooo helpful and putting the diapers in a pile in the wrong place!"

Oct 31, 2013 9:08:12 GMT -5 speckledfrog said:

Reading the first chapter of Nurture Shock really changed my mind on telling my kid he is smart. I still do, on occasion, but I do try to emphasize the process or effort. As much as you can with a toddler, anyway.

[eb777888]

Hmmmm. I think I have average intelligence. I think David will be smarter than me in many ways. The way his mind works is much like H's. They are both problem solvers and I never have been.

Yes, I tell him he's smart. I also don't lie to him, though. If he needs to work on areas, I tell him that he needs to try harder. lol that he's only four and I talk like he's 25. Poor kid.

[Deleted]

Yes and yes, although for L I also focus on praising determination and effort since those are more within her control than raw intelligence.

[Deleted]

Oct 31, 2013 8:25:58 GMT -5 kevin arnold said:

I love how some people can say, "my husband is A CERTIFIED, CARD-CARRYING GENIUS. Me? Well, I passed a driving test so I guess that means I'm not a total moron..."

Come on, what's with the modesty? There's nothing wrong with saying you think you're smart.

I have no problem being an immodest asshole who will say that she's smarter than her husband.  I *am* smarter than my husband.

But he's the harder worker and he has all the common sense/practical skills in our family, so I think he brings a lot more to the table.

[Deleted]

I think I'm smart, but not as smart as I used to be.

I tell L she is smart pretty often, because she really is. Frighteningly.

[eb777888]

Oct 31, 2013 8:25:58 GMT -5 kevin arnold said:

I love how some people can say, "my husband is A CERTIFIED, CARD-CARRYING GENIUS. Me? Well, I passed a driving test so I guess that means I'm not a total moron..."

Come on, what's with the modesty? There's nothing wrong with saying you think you're smart.

lol!! You have a point. I do think I'm smart but I don't think I'm as smart as a lot of people on this board so, IDK. I do think H is smarter than me. So what? I have a lot of great qualities and I'm smart enough.

[eb777888]

I can use the word "ironic" correctly.

[eb777888]

Oct 31, 2013 9:42:29 GMT -5 mofongo said:

Oct 31, 2013 9:37:09 GMT -5 eb777888 said:

I can use the word "ironic" correctly.

What about myriad?? HMM?

See, I don't even know that that means!!! Lol.

[sonrisa]

In praise of effort:

I was talking to a childhood friend. She and the kid everyone thought was the "smartest kid in class" are both in the same field. Over time, she's seen enough of his work to realize that she is actually smarter than he is and that what got him so far is how hard he worked and how much he applied himself.

Mr. Hardwork? He's a Harvard PhD in mathematics who now teaches cryptology at a top ranked university. (Mrs. "Smarter than him" is an MIT PhD who is very accomplished and well known in her field. She's no slouch - neither in effort nor brains.)

But I stand by the very unamerican notion that intelligence isn't just innate. Part of the reason you need to praise effort is that intelligence is a skill you build, just like anything else. Sure, some have more capacity to build that skill, but that makes less difference than how much you develop it.

[speckledfrog]

Oct 31, 2013 9:58:31 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

In praise of effort:

I was talking to a childhood friend. She and the kid everyone thought was the "smartest kid in class" are both in the same field. Over time, she's seen enough of his work to realize that she is actually smarter than he is and that what got him so far is how hard he worked and how much he applied himself.

Mr. Hardwork? He's a Harvard PhD in mathematics who now teaches cryptology at a top ranked university. (Mrs. "Smarter than him" is an MIT PhD who is very accomplished and well known in her field. She's no slouch - neither in effort nor brains.)

But I stand by the very unamerican notion that intelligence isn't just innate. Part of the reason you need to praise effort is that intelligence is a skill you build, just like anything else. Sure, some have more capacity to build that skill, but that makes less difference than how much you develop it.

Agreed.  There's also a lot be said for the benefits of failure.  You learn a lot by failing and quite a few of those smartest kids in school don't experience that until they get to college and are surrounded by peers who are as smart as they are.  MH saw it all the time in college.   On of the (many) issues with the trend of helicopter parenting is that kids aren't being give the chance to be resilient/problem solve.  I saw this on a very small scale on my BMB when kids started pulling up.  Several mom asked what they could do to avoid having their kid hit their heads.  My answer was to let them fall and hit their head once or twice and they will figure it out.

[mrsukyankee]

I am smart. I have a high IQ. And I wish I wasn't told so often that I was smart. It meant that when something didn't come easily to me that I couldn't do it, so I didn't try - if I didn't try, then failing wasn't proving that I wasn't smart. PLEASE DO NOT TELL YOUR KIDS THEY ARE SMART. Tell them that they are awesome and that they are doing great work, encourage them to do the best that they can and celebrate how they do. But don't focus on smart. There's so much out there right now that points to kids being told that they are smart end up with a closed mindset and end up not taking risks/dealing well with failure. mindsetonline.com/

Off box now.

[Booze Raccoon]

I don't think I'm terribly smart.  
My dd is, of course, and I tell her.

[jane6672]

Smart is not the same thing as knowledgeable.













See, I snubbed other people's responses so I could feel smart and smug.

[bonquiqui]

No, but my cat's are geniuses !

[ginap]

1. Do you think you are smart? I don't think that I am all that smart, but I have terrible self esteem so I likely sell myself short here a bit.

2. Do you tell your kids they are smart? Like a pp mentioned, I read that article as well so I tend to praise her differently - you did a great job on that puzzle, you are so clever for figuring that out, good words, etc. My parents tell her she's smart all of the time though. As an offshoot of this, I also don't help her with a lot of things and make her figure it out on her own and will only help if she truly can't get it by herself and then I will have her do it again on her own.

[ginap]

Oct 31, 2013 13:01:40 GMT -5 speckledfrog said:

Oct 31, 2013 9:58:31 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

Agreed.  There's also a lot be said for the benefits of failure.  You learn a lot by failing and quite a few of those smartest kids in school don't experience that until they get to college and are surrounded by peers who are as smart as they are. 

This is so spot on.  I was that kid that was always told how smart I was and I breezed through school and graduated with honors and then college fucked me up.  I didn't have any study skills because I had never needed them, I had terrible time management, and I had never failed at anything ever.  

That is one of the reasons that I make C do a lot of stuff on her own - she needs to learn that she CAN'T always do everything and she needs to learn how to handle failure.  You can't win every game, you can't ace every test, and the earlier you learn that and learn how it feels and how to cope, the better off you are dealing with real life.  

[underwaterrhymes]

I am smart. Probably not brilliant, but I'm okay with that.

I do plan on praising concrete behavior. Right now it's "WOW! You did such a good job rolling onto your tummy!" or "Thank you so much for not biting my nipple! Good job!"

But I don't think that telling my kid he is smart if he figures something out or handsome in a little toddler tux is going to damage him.

[Deleted]

Being smart is one of the few things I have absolute confidence in. I don't think I come across as cocky or anything, and I certainly recognize that I'm not the smartest person I know - but I never doubt that I am smart and that I am capable of nearly anything requiring intelligence if I want to do it.

I sometimes act dumb because I don't pay attention and sometimes act before I think, though.

I don't have kids but I like to think I would tell them they were smart if they were smart. If they were not, I'd probably focus on other things (i.e. "you're such a hard worker, I know you'll be able to figure out that math problem!). I don't think it's helpful to blow smoke up anyone's ass.